I'm heartbroken! She's PG

[Nomad]

I am also very sorry. I think I understand how you might feel and my heart goes out to you.

It saddens and concerns me how often I see difficult children become pregnant. Many have no interest in terminating the pregnancy or putting the child up for adoption, even when they have no means of supporting an infant/ child. So many grandparents try to help or carry the situation. Adopting families often are in for a huge surprise when they discover what seems like "unusual" surprise/genetic situations.

Birthcontrol and education is probably the best solution...but not a guarantee by any means.

What a heartache. We can only hope and pray that somehow this is a learning/growth experience for her.

In the meantime, I do hope that you do whatever you need to do to cope...to find nurturance for yourself...to ease your heartache. I suppose this is part of being emotionally responsible. It is ashame when we take such strong hits like this...but I suppose it "is what it is." Prayers and good thoughts headed your way.

 

[goldenguru]

Hi MW -

I sooooo understand your feelings. I was you less than 3 years ago. My daughter was only 17 years old when she announced her pregnancy. She would not hear of making an adoption plan either.

I understand the anger, the disappointment and awful fear for their future. I get the resentment.

I am so sorry. Please know that I will listen, not judge, and not preach if you need an ear to listen.

Hugs for your aching heart.

 

[meowbunny]

Thank you all for understanding.

Don't misunderstand, I'm not blaming the baby. It is an innocent. I am blaming the fact that any child needs more than love. Finances do have to be factored in. What a parent can offer a child should be a consideration. I don't want my grandchild to be a welfare baby. It's not fair to the baby, it's not fair to my daughter.

by the way -- If one more person tells me any baby is a blessing, I'm going to scream. A planned baby is a blessing and a joy. A baby that is an accident but has responsible parents is a blessing. A baby born to a high school dropout out of wedlock is a disaster.

 

[trinityroyal]

MB, I am so very sorry.
No comments about blessings or disasters from me. I can understand how devastated you are feeling.

This is one of my 2 greatest fears for my difficult child, and why he and his girlfriend are not allowed to spend even one minute unchaperoned. None of us are ready for the fallout.

Just thinking of you, and saying prayers for the best possible outcome for all of you.
Sending many gentle hugs,
Trinity

 

[Steely]

I am SO sorry ~ I cannot imagine.

Seriously, and I am not proud of this ~ this would be one of my worst fears come to life. I was literally relieved when difficult child told me he was gay. Although that sounds sad, because of all the stigmas and drama that surrounds that lifestyle, I truly felt relieved at the possibility that there would not be a future difficult child generation.

If I was in your position I would feel the same way. We have already lived enough hell with our difficult children - so the thought of our difficult children reproducing, and that another being might have a similar life because of the gene pool and the parental influences they have, is overwhelming to say the least.

How many months is she?

You will be in my thoughts, and in my prayers.

 

[rejectedmom]

MB, I am sorry that you are feeling so low. It is very hard when we finally realize that our child isn't going to have a chance at the life we envisioned for them. Deal with your sorrow first and then figure out how much of your grandchild's life you want to be a part of. Wht ever you decide is right for you is OK. Try to remember that your daughter's life isn't over it is just going to be different. -RM

 

[recovering doormat]

Dear God, I can empathize with everything you are feeling right now. I can only imagine how devastated, angry and heartsick you are. I've got an 18 yr old difficult child with the maturity of ten year old, and I'm scared to death of the same happening here.

Right now you're overwhelmed. It will take time to digest this. Until then, just go with your feelings, come here to rant.

Sending you gentle hugs,

 

[dreamer]

aw.....this is a sad turn of events. Im sorry.
Mostly I am sorry for you.becuz of your pain and upset.
My mom was 15 when I was born...life was hard for us.....altho my dad and her did marry, and had my brother by the time they were 18....they divorced and mom went on to marry again, and have more kids....and LOL.my mom even had MORE kids includeing a brother for me when I was 30 yrs old! And moms financial situation did improve, significantly.

In my family, most of my cousins were preg quite yyoung, one of my boy cousins became a dad at 13.

Yes, my 18 yr old easy child is preg. becuz she was so extremely sick, she transferred from private univ with her full academic scholarship to our community college. I have never heard her say being pregnant ruined her life.and I have never thought it. we do say, however, it altered the plans, altered how she will go about things.
Sure some things might be more difficult.......if you want to view it that way. We are talking up the part about wow, how blessed to have a new family member to enjoy on Lifes journey.
as near as we can see, it ruin nothing, simply changes some things. I was 30 when I had my first child, and I was married, and financially ok.....BUT..that did NOT insure much of anything. very soon after our first child, my husband got tremendously ill. My family turned their backs......
Yes, I attended college ..part time.while working and supporting my family.and began nurseing school when I was 40 years old.....with a difficult child, a easy child, a very sick husband and sick myself and preg with my son. and I finished nurseing school with a 4.0 av. WHat I learened was.....seldom do any of us ever get the life we "deserve". Life is what it is and we can make the best of that life. Babies do not ruin much of anything, except maybe someones sleep when the babies are crying for their needs to be met. Haveing nothing but love is not as bad as it sounds......I grew up with only love and due to my DHs illness and then my own, on top of 2 of my kids being spec needs.I have had to raise my kids in a home with not much more than love in it.....truth is most of their friends like to be at our house best of all places. Im not sure what you mean about education? for your child or your grandchild to be? your child might be able to get help to attend college......and so might your grandchild to be. Or they can simply work their way thru school themself when the time comes. My experience seems to show me that when people have to take responsibility for paying for their own education, they seem to do better learning?
I also learned that even financially secure married women with careers can become preg by accident. And even women who are preg with a planned pregnancy can still need help, moral support etc. ANYONE can need help when preg or when a parent. difficult children are not the only ones who need a helping hand when preg. and yes, birth control can fail. Not only difficult children have birth control fail. Rich womens birth control can fail. High power career womens can fail......very intelligent womens can fail. OK, maybe your daughter didnt use because.......it amazes me - a pregnancy......I had 14 miscarriages before I had 3 kids. It really truly is against all odds when a pregnancy occurs, and against even more odds when a baby is born. Literally.

I have seen people who looked like they would be the very best parents i n the world turn out to be some of the lousiest parents ever.......and I have seen some people who you would never believe could do it.and they do it great. none of us have a crystal ball. a baby can for many people be The Motivator. Maternal hormones can be quite powerful. Many people never understand their own parents or their wn relationships with their parents or their own behaviors UNTIL they become a parent.
It does not sound like your daughter is much interested in abortion or adopting her baby out. if she is not interested, the ramifications of either of those options could undo her far more than haveing a baby.

I am prayng for peace for you with the situation. I hope time can help lessen your pain over it all. I hope your daughter can rise to the occasion. I hope this baby can be born into a loving family of people who are able to love him or her. Just as your daughter deserves certain things for her life, so does this unborn baby deserve good things, too.

 

[dreamer]

the financial aid part? Im not quite sure why you are so opposed to it? If your daughter was not pregnant, was she going to pay for college as she went?
were you going to pay for her college? Im a little confused..however she was going to pay for it before finding out shes pregnant, why does that have to change just becuz of a baby? many schools have work progrms, so thats not exactly "charity" and many schools have on site day care..some schools use their on site daycare for the early childhood programs so it is like doubly beneficial.
When I was in nurseing school, some of my co workers came from other countries and they kept asking me why I had not gone to get my nurseing degree earlier.....they were shocked to find out I was paying for my school on my own along the way..they told me our country sent money to their country to pay for their college...they assumed everyone here got to go to college for free.
Our community college just began a new program THIS semester...ALL HS graduates from our college district will now get FREE college providing the begin college in the semester immediately follwoing HS graduation. And ALL GED graduates have gotten free community college for a few years.....the thought behind this is that providing an education NOW helps people get established so they CAN be productive and hopefully- they will "pay it forward" but at the very least, never ever land in an unfortunate situation hwere they would need welfare or whatever.
Matter of fact, I think it is almost required at our community college for a student to do a FAFSA no matter what, before they register for any classes.

 

[Star*]

Any baby is a blessing (wait for it..........wait.........listening)
Any baby is a blessing (wait for it...........um.....listening)

Any baby is a blessing (ohhhhhhhhh there you are)

Didn't quite catch the jet lag on hearing your scream from you to me.

LOL -

I get it -
She got it-
You don't want it-

Understood. Nuf sed. Deal when you can - and write often. (scream if you need to - or if you can without me uttering ANY baby is a blessing?) I'll be glad to say it just so you can scream. m.k.?

Love ya - Star

 

[judi]

These kids play with fire and often get burned. What works as a good solution for one family, isn't right for another. Take care, know many of us have faced this situation. We all deal with it differently.

 

[CrazyinVA]

I haven't read through all of the replies, but wanted to say.. so many of us have been there... me included. My heart sank when I found out Youngest was pregnant. It was a difficult pregnancy, and difficult first few months after the birth oh difficult is an understatement.. I wanted to kick her butt so many times). But.. I honestly think it saved her life. She might have overdosed or been killed driving drunk, had she not given up both those things for being pregnant.

 

[SRL]

Meowbunny, I'm so sorry.

 

[Fran]

meowbunny, I so identify with your thoughts.
There are several mom's on this site who turned their lives around after kids but there are many,many difficult child's who do not. They continue with their self absorbed, dysfunctional lifestyles. The babies suffer.

I have met Stella. She is a smart, strong and determined woman who made her child her priority. So many young mom's do not have that ability.
The chances diminish of your difficult child being financially independent and emotionally ready because of her emotional obstacles and now a huge responsibility.

The thought of your much loved child living this marginal lifestyle on the public dole would be very distressing.

My only hope is that difficult child is one of those who finds the situation deplorable and becomes smart, strong and determined to make her child her priority.

Hugs.

 

[bran155]

Meowbunny: I have been thinking about you. How are you holding up? I hope you are doing okay. I so empathize with your situation and how you are feeling. You are in such a tough spot. A spot that I will no doubt be in one of these days!!!! I am terrified, so I can imagine how you feel.

Hang in there Mom!!!

 

[Stella Johnson]

Honestly, I could have handled this much better two years ago. I expected something this stupid back then. Two years ago I agree that it might have helped her grow and mature. But today, no. She was getting her life together, actually seeing that she needed an education, needed to make changes. The way things were going, I could see her getting her GED after she moved back in, taking classes at the local CC to get a degree to become a vet tech. Now, all I see is another single mother with no hopes and no chances.

It's not fair to the baby. It's not fair to the young woman she was becoming. I won't reject her or the baby. I'll be there as much as I can before the baby is born. I'm not sure how much I'll be there for either of them after the baby is born. The idea of her getting financial aid, let alone welfare, nauseates me. That's not how she was raised and obviously not something I believe in. It is morally wrong to me so long as you are capable of working. You. Don't. Take. Charity. You. Don't. Ask. Others. To. Pay. Your. Way. You give of yourself as much as possible. You help others. You don't ask others to help you. Heck, asking my mother for help almost killed me.

Sadly, I can see her future. She'll take her tips from her "friends." That means she will get all the financial aid she can muster. She'll take the easy way out. She will love her baby and take care of it to the best of her ability. She won't see where she is cheating her child. She'll see that there is financial aid for a low-income female with a child and take every dime she can get. Basically, she'll be like her biomom minus the alcoholism and drug abuse.

I don't think I have it in me to love this baby. It is her choices, but her choices will be limited by being a parent. My heart is invested in my child, not some baby she will have that will destroy any chances she has for the life she deserves.

It can be done without welfare of any kind. I never applied for it or asked for it. Didn't want it. I knew I could do it on my own.
The closest I got of getting anything for free was that the school district paid for difficult child's special needs camp for one week a summer for 3 years.

I was never raised around welfare type stuff so it never occurred to me. Several people asked why I didn't do it. I don't like having someone telling me what I can and can't do and managing what I do with money. I would never do well dealing with those state aid workers.

My point is, it can be done. Keep up the hope. Maybe it will turn around.

My little sister is 7 months pregnant. She tried for almost a year to get pregnant. The baby died today. She's at the hospital being induced. I know you aren't happy about your daughter's pregnancy but I would do anything in this world to give my sister a baby right now. She's a wreck and so is our entire family.

Please try to come to terms with your daughter's pregnancy. As much as you are angry about it, it could be worse. She could be in my sister's shoes right now delivering a baby that has died.

Steph