I'm in a strange place

[HeadlightsMom]

Echo -- I hear you, feel you, support you. We journey down a similar path. 2 incidents brought a new, helpful paradigm shift to me.

RUSSIAN ROULETTE -- At age 18 (he's now 24), our son was involved in a drug-related game of Russian Roulette. The gun was pointed (by someone else) at his forehead first. Trigger pulled. No bullet. Gun then pointed at another kid's head, trigger pullet, no bullet. The guy pulling the trigger then laughed, pointed gun at his own neck and pulled the trigger. BULLET PRESENT. Shot himself to death in front of our son, not 5 ft away. Our son called and told me. He was extremely apologetic and had a very "brief" period (maybe 2 weeks?) of terror inside him and straightened up. It was a beautiful period for us all, and we're thankful for it -- fleeting, though it was. Then he went right back to drugs, violence, theft, etc. But that moment 6 years ago was pivotal for me. I knew I could lose him. I knew I would, most likely, lose him. Paradigm shift.

COUNSELOR INSIGHT -- About a year ago, I contacted a counselor to address the very same feelings you wrote about in your post. I reached the same point you did. The counselor was fantastic -- very validating and clarifying. I mean, if it wasn't for the fact that these were our kids, who in their right mind would want to spend so much time with them when they bring so much fear, distrust, manipulation, etc? Who? I told the counselor my dilemma was that it felt awful holding onto him and awful letting go of him. It was the LIMBO TUG-OF-WAR that was tearing me up.

The counselor had this idea (to use or discard....my choice):

Our son may very well die young. In fact, if these things remain on current course, he probably will. OUCH! That hurts! But it's true. BUT..............this can be a gift in disguise to know in advance (as it can be a gift in disguise to know about a terminal illness in advance of death). Knowing possibilities in advance means one has the opportunity to say/do everything they want to bring closure. The counselor did not mean closure for our son.... He meant closure for US (the parents).

This was an extremely helpful suggestion for us (my husband and I). It does NOT mean it's the right suggestion for everyone. But, it is for us. Oh, sure, we still "hope" for our son -- in a distant sort of way. But we, like you, do not care to hear details. We do still care that he's alive. But, honestly, I do not think there will be true peace as long as he is. That is SO hard to say out loud!

I believe in love. I believe in forgiveness. I believe in giving a gazillion chances. I believe in compassion. But I also believe in reality and I know his problems/choices are bigger than I can handle. I just have to leave that part up to God.

But, following the counselor's suggestion, I spent some time clarifying what I would want our son to know if he died tomorrow. Wrote it down, then told him face to face -- directly from my heart. He didn't quite know what to do with it. He hugged me and said, "I know." I don't know exactly what that means for him. But I know what it means for me. It means I acted as honorably and lovingly as I could, given brutal life experiences.

And I feel GREAT about that. No matter what his actions are, I feel good about MY actions, MY boundaries, MY decisions....even if he were to die tomorrow. It would leave me with a heavy heart, but I would know that I had closure. Nothing left unsaid.

by the way -- He is our ONLY child.

Echo -- I just re-read your original post on this thread. You have every right to feel as you do. Every right to make healing choices for YOUR life. And, as you can see by this thread, you are soooooo not alone. The word I keep coming back to for all of us parents who live this is............brutal.

It's just BRUTAL.

 

[dstc_99]

I understand. I dont feel that way about my difficult child but I do about my mother. At this point I know I would be upset if she died but I don't want to be in her drama and I dread contact.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Cool.

:0)

For this relief, much thanks; 'tis bitter cold, and I am sick at heart.

That one, Echo?

Here is another:

You are not involved in word games
You are fighting for your spirit, your sanity, your soul.

Sacred ground, Echo.

I don't know where I got that one. It's given me myself more than once.

I hope it helps you, too.

"Seboulissa
Mother goddess with one breast
eaten sway by worms of sorrow
and loss

See me, now.

Your severed daughter
laughing our name into echo
all the world shall remember. "

Audre Lourde


"No person is your enemy; no person is your friend. Every person is your teacher."

Florence Scovel
Shinn

"The pain body may seem to you like a dangerous monster that you cannot bear to look at, but I assure you that it is an insubstantial phantom that cannot prevail against the power of your presence."

Eckhart Tolle
The Power of Now

Be old and patient enough for kinds of love, seasons of it; be quiet in your soul so that when happiness comes again, if it ever does, you will know."

Anne Ricr

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I meant Anne Rice.

Darn phone.

:0)


"Some things are because you name them. You perpetuate them in your language, you commiserate over the woe they have wrought you.

Say simply these things are NOT so.

Do not change the label but the lableness. Eliminate them from your life by washing them first from your tongue. Ignoring that which is false is also a knowing. Thus -- learning. To learn is to grow and to grow is to live. You may practice forgetting and thus learn.

Avata washes your tongue here that you may properly inflect the name and then forget it. Avata brings you this to cleanse you of expectancies.

You are the observer-effect."

Frank Herbert
The Jesus Incident

"Both you and the other came naked into the world, and will eventually sleep in the dust, together."

Jewish Wisdom Quote

"She was directly aware of the passage of History gently flowing through her in a mighty current, and of her own life welling like a wave in the flow of a vast tide."

Toynbee

*********

"Once my fancy was soothed with dreams of virtue, of fame and of enjoyment. Once I falsely hoped to meet with beings who, pardoning my outward form...would love me for the excellent qualities I was capable of unfolding.

Frankenstein's monster speaks
Shelly

And finally, Echo, so brave and honest and kind... If you look behind you Echo, you will see your own footsteps. There might only be one small, shuffling step -- though I suspect the truth is those steps already taken stretch beyond the horizon.

And that is how you can know you are progressing.

Not stuck.

Courage in both hands, one step at a time....

BOOM

Flight.

:0)

Here is one more:

"Thou whose almighty word
chaos and darkness heard...
let there be light."

Cedar







"