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I'm in such a funk. (warning - LONG)
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<blockquote data-quote="Shari" data-source="post: 168914" data-attributes="member: 1848"><p>I didn't ask him to do much to get ready for this trip, or for this past 10 days or so, because he was doing hay for his parents, but all I did to get ready for the weekend isn't really what's eating me. I've been begging him to help more (and he does try) and to help cut back on stuff that needs to be done (that's not happening, tho). When he's doing hay for his folks, I have to pick up 100&#37; of what gets done at home, and his folks appreciate me and my kids NADA, and it just ticks me off. Even when he's not doing hay, tho, the work split is probably 85/15, but largely I can live with that. BUT - the bearings on the camper have been needing attention for 2 summers. I am sure in 2 years that I could have given up 3 or 4 horseback rides or something to that effect and got them done (but I rode my horse proabbly 4 times all total last year...I'm making a point to do this FOR ME this year), but I can also sit here and think about 4 or 5 different times off the top of my head when I spent all day on a weekend working on one vehicle or another (not always maintenance, either, usually its truly a broken) and husband spent the first 3 or 4 hours whlie I worked sitting in front of the tv or all day working for his folks. Granted, he was working on his mom and dad's tractor last night while I was home fishing with the kids (not what I wanted to be doing, either), but while I was chasing ponies (that I want to sell and HE wants to keep and I end up taking care of (ie last night...)) to bring them up to the right pen, he was in front of the tv...kids were both asleep, difficult child 2 in the chair without a pull-up (my chair already smells like pee), and easy child 2 in bed without a shower... I do have way more energy than he does, but I don't want to spend it all working my tail off, I want to enjoy my life some, too. I truly beleive it would take me a month full time to get caught up on repairs and maintenance that we're behind on. </p><p>***</p><p>He worked on the lights on my truck til 1am last night, and he stomped around the whole time...he wasn't doing it because it was the thing to do and he had time, he was doing it because I watched the kids, took care of the livestock, fixed supper, cleaned it up, put difficult child to bed, fed the dogs, and then logged on to email difficult child's doctor...he was doing it because he felt guilty if he didn't kinda thing...not cause its just what needed to be done. Make sense? </p><p>***</p><p>And this thing with the tutoring for easy child 2....I know its the right thing to do, but I'll be darned if I can get my head in the right place about it, mainly because of this sort of thing and husband's folks and the rest of easy child's family. Right now, all I can see is all these people that CAN afford it and all their "stuff" that I don't/can't have cause I've spent the last 15 years trying to take care of difficult children 1 and 2, and now I'm looking at forking out another $8grand to pay for yet somebody else's kid who's own parents and grandparents can but wont. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of husband's family treating me and my kids like dirt. I'm tired of husband not doing his share, for whatever reason. I'm tired of going out of my way to make easy child 2 every bit a member of my family as my other kids while husband and the rest of his family seem to go out of their way to EXCLUDE us - just when I think husband is doing fine, he goes and pulls the "charge easy child 1 $20 to use the welder" bullSH*t....easy child 1 mowed our yard without being asked this past weekend while we were gone - I told easy child to go ask husband for money for doing it. I'm tired of working on this piece of **** house that I will probably never own, but I can't afford to have the work hired done. I like doing the mechanic work ont he vehicles, but I'm tired of HAVING to do it because I can't afford to pay someone else to. I'm tired of worrying that I will have nothing to leave my kids, and I'm tired of thinking about what I will do when husband's parents hand the farm over to him - right now, I don't think I'll be willing to move there with him. I think I will refuse to put time and money into something that I can never put my name on, and the way they treat me, that's the way it will be. That's the way, I guess, it boils down to me feeling about paying for easy child's tutoring. They don't give a rat's behind about me and my future, why shold I step up for them. And its so WRONG for me to look at it like that, but dangit, I can't escape the funk that is that... </p><p>***</p><p>If any of this makes any sense at all.</p><p>***</p><p>But thanks for the votes of confidence. Despite all my grumblings, I am truly grateful for having the ability to do what I do and the good friends with the knowledge to help me out when I'm over my head. The camper was a $150 repair bill. If I'd had to pay a shop to do it, it would have been a tow bill, plus $400-500, which means I couldn't afford to fix it. Hopefully some time will pass and I can at the very least get easy child 2 needs back in the perspective they need to be in...the rest of her family and what they have and what I don't have, and what they will and won't do should not be a part of deciding what I will or won't do for easy child 2. Just gotta get my mind back there again...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Shari, post: 168914, member: 1848"] I didn't ask him to do much to get ready for this trip, or for this past 10 days or so, because he was doing hay for his parents, but all I did to get ready for the weekend isn't really what's eating me. I've been begging him to help more (and he does try) and to help cut back on stuff that needs to be done (that's not happening, tho). When he's doing hay for his folks, I have to pick up 100% of what gets done at home, and his folks appreciate me and my kids NADA, and it just ticks me off. Even when he's not doing hay, tho, the work split is probably 85/15, but largely I can live with that. BUT - the bearings on the camper have been needing attention for 2 summers. I am sure in 2 years that I could have given up 3 or 4 horseback rides or something to that effect and got them done (but I rode my horse proabbly 4 times all total last year...I'm making a point to do this FOR ME this year), but I can also sit here and think about 4 or 5 different times off the top of my head when I spent all day on a weekend working on one vehicle or another (not always maintenance, either, usually its truly a broken) and husband spent the first 3 or 4 hours whlie I worked sitting in front of the tv or all day working for his folks. Granted, he was working on his mom and dad's tractor last night while I was home fishing with the kids (not what I wanted to be doing, either), but while I was chasing ponies (that I want to sell and HE wants to keep and I end up taking care of (ie last night...)) to bring them up to the right pen, he was in front of the tv...kids were both asleep, difficult child 2 in the chair without a pull-up (my chair already smells like pee), and easy child 2 in bed without a shower... I do have way more energy than he does, but I don't want to spend it all working my tail off, I want to enjoy my life some, too. I truly beleive it would take me a month full time to get caught up on repairs and maintenance that we're behind on. *** He worked on the lights on my truck til 1am last night, and he stomped around the whole time...he wasn't doing it because it was the thing to do and he had time, he was doing it because I watched the kids, took care of the livestock, fixed supper, cleaned it up, put difficult child to bed, fed the dogs, and then logged on to email difficult child's doctor...he was doing it because he felt guilty if he didn't kinda thing...not cause its just what needed to be done. Make sense? *** And this thing with the tutoring for easy child 2....I know its the right thing to do, but I'll be darned if I can get my head in the right place about it, mainly because of this sort of thing and husband's folks and the rest of easy child's family. Right now, all I can see is all these people that CAN afford it and all their "stuff" that I don't/can't have cause I've spent the last 15 years trying to take care of difficult children 1 and 2, and now I'm looking at forking out another $8grand to pay for yet somebody else's kid who's own parents and grandparents can but wont. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of husband's family treating me and my kids like dirt. I'm tired of husband not doing his share, for whatever reason. I'm tired of going out of my way to make easy child 2 every bit a member of my family as my other kids while husband and the rest of his family seem to go out of their way to EXCLUDE us - just when I think husband is doing fine, he goes and pulls the "charge easy child 1 $20 to use the welder" bullSH*t....easy child 1 mowed our yard without being asked this past weekend while we were gone - I told easy child to go ask husband for money for doing it. I'm tired of working on this piece of **** house that I will probably never own, but I can't afford to have the work hired done. I like doing the mechanic work ont he vehicles, but I'm tired of HAVING to do it because I can't afford to pay someone else to. I'm tired of worrying that I will have nothing to leave my kids, and I'm tired of thinking about what I will do when husband's parents hand the farm over to him - right now, I don't think I'll be willing to move there with him. I think I will refuse to put time and money into something that I can never put my name on, and the way they treat me, that's the way it will be. That's the way, I guess, it boils down to me feeling about paying for easy child's tutoring. They don't give a rat's behind about me and my future, why shold I step up for them. And its so WRONG for me to look at it like that, but dangit, I can't escape the funk that is that... *** If any of this makes any sense at all. *** But thanks for the votes of confidence. Despite all my grumblings, I am truly grateful for having the ability to do what I do and the good friends with the knowledge to help me out when I'm over my head. The camper was a $150 repair bill. If I'd had to pay a shop to do it, it would have been a tow bill, plus $400-500, which means I couldn't afford to fix it. Hopefully some time will pass and I can at the very least get easy child 2 needs back in the perspective they need to be in...the rest of her family and what they have and what I don't have, and what they will and won't do should not be a part of deciding what I will or won't do for easy child 2. Just gotta get my mind back there again... [/QUOTE]
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