I'm leaving

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Abbey, Mar 1, 2009.

  1. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    I am leaving H tomorrow. I can't take the see-saw effect anymore. He knows I'm going back to Vegas, but he doesn't know I'm going for good. Another night of being wakened up to rants and raves at 4am I can't do. Just got off the phone with MIL1 and she said she'd take me to the airport tomorrow.

    I'm not doing any of the gigs planned. I'm just frantically trying to put my life into a suitcase.

    He's changed all the pins on various bank accounts and is trying to cut off my cell phone. I think I have that handled as it is in my name. Fortunately I got $60 from the bank yesterday. Haha...leaving town with $60, no job. This should be interesting.

  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Abbey, I am so sorry that he has pushed you this far. You deserve so much more. Do you have a place to stay in Vegas? I know you have connections so getting a job is not your major concern? You've got to be able to live until that first check comes in. A hug and a shoulder to lean on from very far away.
  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Abbey, I'm sending good wishes that this decision brings you happiness and peace. I hope you are taking a laptop with you so that we don't lose touch with you.

  4. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Yes, I do have a place to stay. Job? Ha! That will be a task. Peace of mind? That will be worth every negative penny I have.

  5. ML

    ML Guest

    I'm proud of you for doing what you know you have to do but so sorry that you have to do it.

    Manster, my brother and I will be in Vegas the 2nd and 3rd of April, would LOVE to meet for a drink or a cup of coffee? Even better I will buy you dinner :) Love, ML


  6. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    What about your old job, Abbey. Will you contact them- for something to tide you over, even if you don't want to stay there long term.

  7. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Old job is up in the air. They closed 8 stores a week ago and the manager who put up with me has been moved to one that is quite a ways away from where I'm staying with no car. (Is that the longest run on sentence ever?)

    So, I'll just plug along and see what I can find. One special board friend offered me a car. I just need to find out how to hack the bank accounts.

  8. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    (Hugs). I didn't know. I miss alot since I miss days...even weeks...posting and reading here. I didn't know things were at this point. I agree with- Suz about finding old work contacts and friends. Wishing you all good things. Please post as often as possible.
  9. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    Or document the episode last night. file a report with police. Did any neighbors hear him? Take the bank statements showing money in your accounts, or the
    exclusion of your use of these, the credit cards ect. You are married and doing things jointly, you are making deposits? that way you can show that you were being 'controled'. I assume you were working, but even if not, as a member of the couple you are intittled to leave, and his choice to make you destitude to do so is controlling.
    Armed with the police report, you can get into a domestic violence shelter. there you can have safe and secure housing and emotional support while you reconfigure your life.
    friends are great, too. but having a start where you have time on your own where wither you discuss, or do not, what has happened can return to your control.
    Also, if you are in a domestic violence shelter it is a safe house. He will not know where you are and although you can not control him contacting people he knows you know looking for you, you can control that they and he can not snag your time and attention with whatever he does next.
    In the shelters they have classes and you may learn things that you may have thought you knew, but will see differant now just because you are perhaps for the first time really free of the unremitting obligations that seemed so important to keep you a reciepiant of another persons criticisms and put downs and belittleling and reactive emotions.
    You can go to sleep at a reasonable hour, and if you can not sleep because the issues are plaguing your thoughts, you can talk to someone who is there and there just for exactly this purpose.
    And you can look for a job, a place to live, and if you need clothing and stuff often these are available as well.
    After all you have been through and your devotion to your husband, it is ok to take as much time as you need and want to decide what is right for YOU.
    Verbally abused that prevents you from sleeping and controled to place you in a destitute condition are a form of violence.
    Withholding is another form of abuse. Leave a note or mail one from the town you are leaving. and maybe going directly where he anticipates you to be is not the best choice. this way he can not pretend you vanished for no reason. Let the police know that and why you are leaving him at this time.
    When have you been free befor? Protect that now and whatever happens in relationship with the h you are not going to wonder if you 'let him' influence you when you had not really taken the time to get over the shocks, find your equilibrium, and having stood on your own again(or for the first time) chosen based on what is your true desire, not some tired old habit, not some feeling of obligation that is junk, not anything at all but wither he is worthy of your time, your energy, your future in his hands again.
  10. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Aww, Abbey, I'm sorry that it came to that, but everyone has their limits and you must have reached yours. I hope you get settled and situated quickly and that things work out well for you. Good luck to you, hon.
  11. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Abbey, I don't know what to say. Just that you have always seemed to me a person with her head screwed on the right way, so I'm sure that if you feel that this is what you must do, then this is what you must do. So I wish you luck, I hope everything goes your way and that you manage to break the codes and get into your bank accounts etc. I didn't realise from all your "fun" postings that things had got that bad. Did I understand from your post that your mother-in-law is taking you to the airport and is being supportive? If so, well, both you and she are great people obviously.

    Best of luck, dear friend, and please please keep in touch.

    Do you know, the very first time I felt truly attached to this board, after I had been on it a while, was when your son was missing. I came home from work one day, logged in, shouted to my husband "they've found him!" and burst into tears. Since that day I have been attached to the board, and you are very special to me.

    So please, please keep in touch with all of us. We are all truly concerned and want to know how you are doing.

    Love, Esther
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Abbey I'm so sorry it's come to this sort of desperate "escape" type leaving. I understand the whole peace of mind thing though, truly I do.

    About the bank accounts.......Can you just go to the bank and withdrawl the money? I say this because this is why husband now handles the bills and not me. He used to bounce all my checks by doing that. He'd go to te counter and write a counter check withdrawl all he wanted and check made out to bills bounced all over town. You don't need your routing number either. Just give the clerk your SS number and she'll look it up.....after checking your drivers license to make sure you are who you say you are.

    If I lived in Vegas you'd be more than welcome to stay with me. Actually, if Vegas isn't a definate destination........The offer stands. Want to come to ohio? Like Star says.......I like to take in strays.........Only you're no stray, my friend, you're family.

    Please find a way to keep in touch even if it's using the library's computer. We'll worry.

    Saying prayers for you.

  13. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    {{{Hugs}}}. Please check in asap so we know you are well.
  14. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    I hope you find what you are looking for. I hope you find a place to live and a job. I also hope you get to a library or somewhere where you'll have internet access. We will certainly miss the carp out of you!
  15. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Thanks all for the support. So far I've got 3 things in my bag. It's a slow day.

    Rope...he's not physical, just mental wearing down. Oh, and draining all our finances.

    MIL1 is very supportive. She says she doesn't even know him anymore. Well, join the crowd. At least I get a ride.

    Tried the bank thing today. Nada. Since he was the first one to come up here, all accounts are in his name. He easily changed them today. I have no access. $60 bucks. That's probably not going to get me too far.:tongue:

    In the end, I seem to make it somehow. There is a library about 2 miles from where I'm staying. After tomorrow, I'll try and check in.

    Daisy...Ohio? I DON'T DO COLD, but thanks for the sweet offer.

    Esther...what a nice post. It's what makes this site work.

    I'm off to try and pack a few more things.

  16. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Deb I don't know what to say either. You were always a source of support to me, I wish I could do the same for you now.

    What about going back to teaching. Can you get a job subbing?

    Be safe and please stay in touch.

  17. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Abbey, if you ever make it to middle Tennessee, you are more than welcome to stay with me for as long as you like! And I mean that! It's cold here some but not bad at all! If you ever need to, I can pm you my phone number or email.
  18. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Abbey, hang in there. I'd still be talking to someone about access to the contents of your bank accounts, because if you contributed, you are entitled to some of it and he shouldn't have been able to cut you off like that. I'm amazed they allowed it, unless they were only in his name to begin with, with you having co-sign rights. But even if they were, if you cna show that you contributed to the balance in the past (say, having pay tranferred to those accounts, or making deposits) then you could make a case for some access.

    There doesn't need to be physical violence for a relationship to be controlling and abusive. Cotrolling finances is just one form of abusive relationship. Talk to the police before you go, see if you can make a statement and get a report so that he can't say much later on that you've only just made it all up.

    I understand your need to just go - but put in some groundwork as you go, to make it possibly easier on yourself later on. You just don't know what you'll need later on in terms of corroboration.

    I wish I could reach across and help, but I'm a bit far away.

  19. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Abbey, Abbey, Abbey........

    Girl, I know how horrible and hard this is - but you are on the right path.
    In fact, I believe we are on the same paths.
    As you said, right now the most important thing is getting out of there.
    Beyond that - things will fall into place.
    They will, as you already know, be better soon.

    You will be in my thoughts and prayers as I fly to the same region as you are flying - and we both attempt to start new lives.
    Maybe we will see each other in the clouds.:peaceful:
    Many, many hugs.
  20. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Hoping that this goes smoother than you may be expecting.

    You're a resourceful gal. I bet you'll do just fine.

    Don't be surprised when he comes looking for you to beg you to come home, because he most likely will in my opinion.

    Take good care. And keep us updated. Hugs for you.