I'm losing my mind with grief tonight

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by GuideMe, Oct 25, 2014.

  1. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    I have been in a full blown panic attack since 8:00 pm tonight. As angry and scared I was of difficult child, I never wanted her to be in a psychiatric hospital or jail or anything like that. I was ok with it for the first few days, but now they won't tell me when she is getting out when it's only suppose to be a short term facility. I talked to her and she said people have been coming and going. It's only suppose to be a 5-7 day facility. She is going on her 6th day tomorrow with a tentative release date on Tuesday. That will make 8 days being there and that is TENTATIVE! I don't like not knowing what's going to happen and this is why I hate when the system gets involved. I know me and difficult child had our problems, but I only wanted her out of my home, not in some place like this. We just can't live together but we get along otherwise. I'm sorry, I can't handle things like this at all. Call me weak or soft, I don't care. It's TOO much for me. I miss her and want her back badly. I am just in panicking pieces tonight. I don't want to bother anyone anymore with this so I am going to take a break for a while.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    GM, hon...a hospital is not "the system." It's the same as if she had appendicitis and had to be hospitalized.

    You're not bothering me...but I'm not sure what you're afraid of. They keep her as long as they feel she is a danger to herself or others. It's nothing like jail.

    I'm more worried about YOU. She was going to kill you, but you miss her and want her back badly.Calm down about the time she is in there. She was dangerous and they want to make sure she is not dangerous before letting her go. That may take a while.

    I recognize panic disorder. I have it. My son has it. If you can't calm yourself down, perhaps a visit to the ER would help you. They won't admit you as you are not a danger to yourself or others. But they may be able to calm you down and guide you to a good place where you can get help for yourself. Somewhere where you can start caring about yourself.

    The focus needs to be on you right now. Your daughter is safe, but she is not safe for YOU. She needs to get treatment so she will not hurt somebody else. If it wasn't you she had attacked, she'd be in jail. This is on HER, not you. But you do need some sort of professional help.

    I wish I could help more. Hugs to you for all your pain and hoping you do something to help your own pain and to make your life better.
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  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    How are you doing today GM?

    It may be prudent for you to get yourself some help during this trying time. After so many years of the abusive treatment at the hands of your daughter, it sounds as if you are suffering from PTSD or as MWM indicated, some kind of panic disorder. These are all treatable. This is a wake up call for your daughter and it is for you too. When your daughter is home abusing you, you are in a state of panic, and when she is away you are in a state of panic...........that's where our minds go after years of anxiety, fear, anger, rage, all of it. You are overloaded and overwhelmed with all of the recent events. Many of us here land where you are, it is not anything to be ashamed of or afraid of, it's a reaction to way too much stress for way too long.

    Many if not most of us here have had to get professional assistance of some kind as we maneuver through this maze of insanity our adult kids drag us through. Without a safe place to go to vent and be able to unload all the pent up feelings we begin to collapse from the weight of it all. You've been at this a long time. You need a break and it sounds like you need help to get you through this.

    Look for help GM, someplace you can go and feel safe, get heard, be able to express your feelings and get the nourishment and guidance you deserve.

    And, GM, this is "too much" for all of us......the only way we get through it is by taking it one moment at a time and usually with truckloads of help. As COM tells us, we all need a "tool box" an arsenal of things we do to keep ourselves healthy, sane, motivated, centered, balanced, nurtured and well supported. We must take care of ourselves or we too become a casualty..........take care of YOU now GM.
  4. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I think this is great advice from MWM and RE, GuideMe. You have been through so very much for such a long time. Your daughter is in a safe place. This is a time for you to find someone to talk to, a chance to let some light and space in and regroup. You deserve to feel safe in your home, to not be living in fear, to not be put in impossible situations. You are not bothering anyone. We have all been at various stages of where you are now.
  5. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    GM, the other ladies have given you good advice that you should follow. I understand somewhat of how you are feeling. We had to have our then 16 yr. old daughter removed from our home. I experienced many of the same feelings that you are. To me, the only way I could express what I was feeling is that it felt as if my daughter had died. I was morning what had been and what I had hoped for. It's not easy and it is going to take a while for you to process what has happened in your relationship with your daughter and the hopes and dreams you had for her and for you two together. It is a death of sorts, a death of unhealthy living.

    You did not, nor are you now harming your daughter. YOU did not make this happen even if you weren't the best mother you could be. I would say 99.9% of us are not the perfect parent we wish we could be. Everyone has things they are not proud of and had hoped they would have acted in a different way.

    The LOVING thing you did for your daughter, and don't ever forget that this is a gift you gave her, is to call the police or have her admitted in the hospital. I don't know your whole story, but she is RIGHT where she needs to be. You need not feel an ounce of pain or hurt. You love your daughter, this is EXACTLY where she needs to be, so that she can get the help she needs to lead a healthy life.
    She may cry and scream and tell you all kinds of horrible things, because she knows that you will feel badly and rescue her. Do not do it! Allow your daughter to receive the help she needs so that she can grow into a healthy productive adult that respects the bounderies of others and shows her mother the respect you deserve.

    Use this time to grieve the loss of the unhealthy relationship with your daughter, no matter how comfortable that "known" relationship may be to you. Take time to examine why you want to go back to that, and think very hard about all the things you did to make a good life for the both of you and how you DO deserve to be respected. Think about how you are her mother, the breadwinner of the family, how you own EVERYTHING there and how YOU are the one that decides what you do with your life.

    Your daughter does not respect you for what ever reason. You've said you fear for your life around her. Why in the world would you want for her to come back?! You must know this is unhealthy! You know you are having a hard time functioning now while your life has changed. You need to see your doctor most likely for some medications to settle down, so that you can think reasonably and make sound, safe decisions for your life. Sound decisions that include disallowing your daughter back into your home. You need to find a support group along with us to give you strength and guidance, to hold your hand through this time in your life. You need to find new purpose for your life. Are there volunteer opportunities in your area you could participate in, do you have hobbies you are interested in? Anything to occupy your mind and give you a sense of peace and purpose?

    Now that your daughter is out of your home, it is time to make some rules that you both have to live by. You should NEVER, EVER waiver from your rules. I would make it a priority that she cannot come home when she gets out of the hospital. The social workers there can help set her up with housing and supports. They cannot not realease her onto the street. You can insist that for the first 6 months your visits in person be with a mediator present. Your daughter should not visit you at your home, you should have a restraining order in place. This is for your protection and also so that your daughter gets the message that she does not get to bully you any more.

    Your daughter may have mental health issues, but they are not your fault! She is in the hospital now to getting a diagnosis, medications if needed and a life set up for her. This is a blessing! and you should look at it that way.

    I wish you peace GM, I wish you healing and I wish you a heart and eyes to see that you have been given an opportunity for a new life and a new relationship with your daughter. You don't have to live that fearful, scary life any longer. Hold your head high and believe you deserve all the good things life has to offer and much happiness. Make it happen!
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    Last edited: Oct 26, 2014
  6. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    GM -- Some great replies on here. So many of us in this forum care about you and your difficult child. Our difficult child's lives are what they are -- sometimes easier to help than others. And, remember, they have to WANT the help. If they don't, it's a moot point no matter what we do as their parents.

    This is such a hard process for all of us! GM, when I read your post, I can vividly recall days when I felt so much like you do. My heart is with you!