I'm meeting with my estranged son and his wife for the first time in years! Nervous

[witzend]

I'm glad that you are taking this step with your son. As others said, what a brilliant idea about contacting their church to mediate. I know it will be difficult to keep from trying to revisit his anger, and if it is undeserved, even more difficult to refrain from trying to justify whatever it was that he took offense at. I don't know that I could do this at this point in my life. I know the only way to succeed in that is to just say "it does not matter", and to also may happen again and it can't matter in the future. I don't have that kind of bravery. I know this something that you want desperately and that you have the ability to move forward with your son. I wish all of you the best in this.

 

[shellyd67]

I also have to add my two cents and say your idea of contacting his church was wonderful.

I wish you both a peaceful visit and hope your relationship improves and you continue to be a part of eachothers lives.

 

[TerryJ2]

That's GREAT!!!!

I have often wondered what it was that he perceived you had done. Even if you know, it won't make sense, from what I understand, because as you said, he was 6, which is pretty old, and he has his mind made up about all sorts of issues, including religion. I remember thinking, oh, how heartbreaking and tragic ... and wondering if there wasn't something that could be done.

Can you keep the mediator in the room when you meet, just for a little bit? Or are you meeting at a restaurant or something?

Fingers crossed. I'll be thinking about you and checking back.

 

[hearts and roses]

I am so happy for you, I know this has been an ongoing hop for you to reconnect. You and yours will be in my thoughts. I'm glad you've had a mediator involved - it shows your son that you are not afraid and that no matter what, you want to make amends for real or imagined wrong doings, which is quite a statement. Big hugs to you! I can't wait to hear how it goes!

 

[TheyAreLegallyAdultsNow]

I'm so happy for you MidwestMom and I'm hopeful for us because of your progress. Our adopted kids will be estranged 2 years Aug 1.
Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) son eloped the weekend of the royal wedding... and is planning his "big formal wedding" for Aug 13 with extra efforts to exclude us.

I have over the last two years encountered SO MANY adoptive families who share our story of estranged adopted adults.

While it gives great comfort to me to know we are not alone, My husband and I grieve the "loss" of our beloved children. We hope "one day" they will be strong and healthy enough to develop a reciprocally-loving parent/(adult)child relationship.

I'm praying for God's absolute best for you, your son and your family's relationships.

Please keep us posted on how it goes... I'm vicariously enjoying the concept of reunion!!!!

 

[BusynMember]

Thanks again, everybody. I have been very blessed in the adoption department. All the children that I adopted (minus psycho kid who abused the younger ones) are REALLY good kids/adults and this includes S.

To answer questions:

We are meeting at the church and the mediator will be there.

Although what he thought I was doing did not happen, things DID happen and I can see where I have done some t things that were dumb and even not so nice. I don't think they were so awful as to need five years to work them out, but I respect his feelings and his pain and I have no anger left in me. I am just going to listen to him and move forward. He is NOT the type of person to be abusive, although he can be blunt. I can handle that. He won't swear at me. He does not swear. His wife will be there as a support system and to get to know me. We never had a chance to get to know one another because this all happened around his wedding.

I am hoping for the best. It is very hard to adopt older children (and by older, I mean kids older than infants). The older they are, the less they feel you are their parents. My son has said to me, "I was formed before you met me. What I am, I did myself." He has said this often through the years and not to be mean. It was simply fact. He came at age six. He had already learned to cope and had decided, as young as five, to become somebody special. His drive did not come from his father or me. We loved and encouraged him, but did not cause it. It was inborn.

I check his facebook sometimes and he's always been very handsome (still is) and his boy (my grandson!) is cute as a button. I would like to be in his life. But...baby steps.

I am nervous, but I believe this could work out well. We really got along well until this mishap. In fact, I can't recall ever having to discipline him...he was always very well-behaved, attentive, and often very caring. My ex's grandmother adored him because he would pull out her chair for her and treat her with the utmost respect. I feel I really must have screwed up because this is no difficult child...this is a good young man...it makes me cry to think about it and I'm just rambling now. All I can do is pray it works out.

Thanks again!

 

[DDD]

I can't recall exactly when you guys are meeting but I hope it is soon. Try not to think back too much. All of us have done or said somethings we regret during our active parenting days but even if we took missteps our intentions were not negative. My easy child son cut off communication with me for two or three years because of a letter I wrote to him. He did not live in our town. To make a long story short he finally agreed to meet with me and he "thought" that a couple of sentences in the letter referred to his son...and they didn't. We reestablished contact after that; however, his family does not stay in close touch. Individually he will call a couple times a year and it is always a great "connection" between us. He and his family usually come for Thanksgiving and one other time a year and everyone (except his wife) has a great time. She and I will never be close...and...she is his wife. When they got married he and I talked before the nuptuals and hugged. I told him "well starting this week your main loyalty will be with your wife as it should be" but "please try to keep us close too". They've raised two nice kids and live a nice life. I don't think I'll ever "get it" but it is what it is. Just having contact with him is something to be thankful for. I hope your visit will lead to more visits and more happiness for everyone. Meanwhile I do completely understand your anticipation of just being in the same room. Hugs. DDD