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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 426643" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>The trouble he causes in a family game situation may not be jealousy but simply a need for the rules to be adhered to exactly. Or if one of the other kids teases a little (as kids do normally in play) and difficult child is more intense about the game and misses the joke; all sorts of reasons for this. We went through this A LOT with difficult child 3. WHat helped - find different games, ones which rely on strict rules. And SUPERVISE. The best way to do this is to sit in on the game. Another option is to reduce the number of players, and make the game more complex, so the others have to concentrate more too. We found chess was really good for difficult child 3. Despite his early problems with language, despite his other issues, he was a good chess player very early. He used to play it on the computer (a good way to learn the game - set the computer to two human opponents with illegal move alerts turned on, and let the kid play both players). I remember one time we were on holiday when he was about 6 years old. We had gone to a puzzleworld type of place, the sort of place you take a gifted child or autistic child to. They had a large outdoor maze, inside there were lots of optical illusions, mirror distortions and various special rooms which make you look smaller or larger depending on which doorway you stand in. The kids loved it, they could spend hours in such a place. At lunchtime we sat in the restaurant where the tables had puzzles or game boards painted into the surface. difficult child 3 and difficult child 1 went to a table with a chess board and got the chess pieces from the shop counter. difficult child 3 was already a good player at 6 years old. He might have been even younger, but he had started school so he was at least 5. Imagine the reaction on other diners nearby when this five year old turned round and called across to us. "Dad - how do you castle again?" I watched necks snapping at other tables around the room, at the sound of this little kid who knew enough about chess to even know about castling!</p><p></p><p>Penny, this site is administered in the US, but I live in Australia, There are members around the world, although the bulk of the members are in the US. But they put up with me... and also my husband, who joined the site in his own right rather than keep hijacking my avatar.</p><p></p><p>Back to you and your son - I mentioned "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Really. Read it. It will help you in practical ways now, even without a diagnosis.</p><p></p><p>Also - if you are intelligent, and he is intelligent, use this to your advantage. I found that if I studied my own child and tried to work to his strengths, we did a lot better. An example is his hyperlexia - I used it to help him learn to communicate. He actually learned to read as a means to learning to talk. We also found that when he had some maths problems to work on, or anything academic to work on, it calmed him down. Chess was good that way but I did find I needed to referee him a fair bit, the social skills side of the game interactions were sometimes a problem. </p><p></p><p>I used to reward him with brain teaser puzzles, or those little toys where you need to tip the ball through the hole into a teetering platform which tips it off - you get the drift. He liked certain things, certain shops and LOVES puzzles. They give his brain a workout and for a bright child, this is marvellous.</p><p></p><p>One thing we have done which has drawn criticism at times, was to never have the attitude of "He won't be able to do this at this age." As a result I have always been open about explaining to my kids, when very young, about complex concepts such as nuclear physics, chemistry, continental drift etc. Whatever they asked about, I would explain. Or if I didn't know, together we would go look it up.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 3 had language delay but learned to deal with it by being proactive. As a result, he developed an early interest in (and capability in) etymology. At an age when other kids were struggling to even look a word up in the dictionary, difficult child 3 was analysing the information in the dictionary entry to understand the origin of the word. He would actively look up a word to find out where it had come from. I taught him to read phonetics so he could also read the pronunciation guide to the word in the dictionary. </p><p></p><p>We were told that difficult child 3 would never be able to attend a normal school, that he was going to be uneducable, that he was going to need special schooling and lifelong support. He would never interact, he would always be aloof and apart. But we didn't give up. We had no access to therapy (other than occasional brackets of a weekly one hour speech therapy session, every year or so for a few weeks) so I tried to work it out for myself. We got quite inventive at times. We also took risks - when digital cameras were still new and very expensive, I allowed this 8 year old kid who at times threw some horrendous tantrums, to use the digital camera. As with any interaction between him and technology, he rapidly learned how to use every feature of the camera (including ones we didn't know it had) and has become a very good photographer. It has also helped teach him patience - he wanted to take photos of birds. But as he walked near, the birds would fly away. In order to get the shot he wanted, he had to learn to first watch from a distance to see where the birds were, then go there and sit quietly until the birds got used to him and came back. Then he could take his photo.</p><p></p><p>What will work for you and your children is something only you can identify. But the most important thing I learned, was to have courage to break the rules and break the stereotypes. If your child is curious about slime moulds, let him find out more. Go learn about this topic with him. difficult child 3 saw a program on TV one day about mangrove swamps and said, "I'd like to explore a mangrove swamp."</p><p>So we did - that very day. We didn't take long, I let him wander round in it and I talked to him about what I knew about mangroves. We looked at tiny crabs living around the mud ooze, we examined the aerial roots. We looked at the baby plants putting out roots even before they leave the parent tree. We found a couple of large strangler figs a bit further back, and had a good look. When we later had a look at a rainforest, difficult child 3 found more strangler figs but 'behaving' in a different way. He noted the contrast between the hot, salty mangrove swamp and the cool, moist rainforest.</p><p></p><p>These kids love to DO. And the time you spend doing this sort of stuff with them, discovering stuff with them, is gold. For them and for you. It also helps you monitor their progress in so many areas.</p><p></p><p>Anyway, you can do it for yourself. Have faith in your ability to be the best parent, teacher, stimulus, for your children. Find resources for your kids and have fun exploring it all with them. But push the mental stimulation. It might cool things down a bit for you with the problem behaviour, if he's a bright kid who has too much spare mental capacity and not enough direction.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 426643, member: 1991"] The trouble he causes in a family game situation may not be jealousy but simply a need for the rules to be adhered to exactly. Or if one of the other kids teases a little (as kids do normally in play) and difficult child is more intense about the game and misses the joke; all sorts of reasons for this. We went through this A LOT with difficult child 3. WHat helped - find different games, ones which rely on strict rules. And SUPERVISE. The best way to do this is to sit in on the game. Another option is to reduce the number of players, and make the game more complex, so the others have to concentrate more too. We found chess was really good for difficult child 3. Despite his early problems with language, despite his other issues, he was a good chess player very early. He used to play it on the computer (a good way to learn the game - set the computer to two human opponents with illegal move alerts turned on, and let the kid play both players). I remember one time we were on holiday when he was about 6 years old. We had gone to a puzzleworld type of place, the sort of place you take a gifted child or autistic child to. They had a large outdoor maze, inside there were lots of optical illusions, mirror distortions and various special rooms which make you look smaller or larger depending on which doorway you stand in. The kids loved it, they could spend hours in such a place. At lunchtime we sat in the restaurant where the tables had puzzles or game boards painted into the surface. difficult child 3 and difficult child 1 went to a table with a chess board and got the chess pieces from the shop counter. difficult child 3 was already a good player at 6 years old. He might have been even younger, but he had started school so he was at least 5. Imagine the reaction on other diners nearby when this five year old turned round and called across to us. "Dad - how do you castle again?" I watched necks snapping at other tables around the room, at the sound of this little kid who knew enough about chess to even know about castling! Penny, this site is administered in the US, but I live in Australia, There are members around the world, although the bulk of the members are in the US. But they put up with me... and also my husband, who joined the site in his own right rather than keep hijacking my avatar. Back to you and your son - I mentioned "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Really. Read it. It will help you in practical ways now, even without a diagnosis. Also - if you are intelligent, and he is intelligent, use this to your advantage. I found that if I studied my own child and tried to work to his strengths, we did a lot better. An example is his hyperlexia - I used it to help him learn to communicate. He actually learned to read as a means to learning to talk. We also found that when he had some maths problems to work on, or anything academic to work on, it calmed him down. Chess was good that way but I did find I needed to referee him a fair bit, the social skills side of the game interactions were sometimes a problem. I used to reward him with brain teaser puzzles, or those little toys where you need to tip the ball through the hole into a teetering platform which tips it off - you get the drift. He liked certain things, certain shops and LOVES puzzles. They give his brain a workout and for a bright child, this is marvellous. One thing we have done which has drawn criticism at times, was to never have the attitude of "He won't be able to do this at this age." As a result I have always been open about explaining to my kids, when very young, about complex concepts such as nuclear physics, chemistry, continental drift etc. Whatever they asked about, I would explain. Or if I didn't know, together we would go look it up. difficult child 3 had language delay but learned to deal with it by being proactive. As a result, he developed an early interest in (and capability in) etymology. At an age when other kids were struggling to even look a word up in the dictionary, difficult child 3 was analysing the information in the dictionary entry to understand the origin of the word. He would actively look up a word to find out where it had come from. I taught him to read phonetics so he could also read the pronunciation guide to the word in the dictionary. We were told that difficult child 3 would never be able to attend a normal school, that he was going to be uneducable, that he was going to need special schooling and lifelong support. He would never interact, he would always be aloof and apart. But we didn't give up. We had no access to therapy (other than occasional brackets of a weekly one hour speech therapy session, every year or so for a few weeks) so I tried to work it out for myself. We got quite inventive at times. We also took risks - when digital cameras were still new and very expensive, I allowed this 8 year old kid who at times threw some horrendous tantrums, to use the digital camera. As with any interaction between him and technology, he rapidly learned how to use every feature of the camera (including ones we didn't know it had) and has become a very good photographer. It has also helped teach him patience - he wanted to take photos of birds. But as he walked near, the birds would fly away. In order to get the shot he wanted, he had to learn to first watch from a distance to see where the birds were, then go there and sit quietly until the birds got used to him and came back. Then he could take his photo. What will work for you and your children is something only you can identify. But the most important thing I learned, was to have courage to break the rules and break the stereotypes. If your child is curious about slime moulds, let him find out more. Go learn about this topic with him. difficult child 3 saw a program on TV one day about mangrove swamps and said, "I'd like to explore a mangrove swamp." So we did - that very day. We didn't take long, I let him wander round in it and I talked to him about what I knew about mangroves. We looked at tiny crabs living around the mud ooze, we examined the aerial roots. We looked at the baby plants putting out roots even before they leave the parent tree. We found a couple of large strangler figs a bit further back, and had a good look. When we later had a look at a rainforest, difficult child 3 found more strangler figs but 'behaving' in a different way. He noted the contrast between the hot, salty mangrove swamp and the cool, moist rainforest. These kids love to DO. And the time you spend doing this sort of stuff with them, discovering stuff with them, is gold. For them and for you. It also helps you monitor their progress in so many areas. Anyway, you can do it for yourself. Have faith in your ability to be the best parent, teacher, stimulus, for your children. Find resources for your kids and have fun exploring it all with them. But push the mental stimulation. It might cool things down a bit for you with the problem behaviour, if he's a bright kid who has too much spare mental capacity and not enough direction. Marg [/QUOTE]
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