My daughter has some disturbing behaviors that have me so worn out that I just don't know what to do anymore. Maybe if I just "get it out" I'll be able to see things more clearly and gain some much needed wisdom along the way! She is 14, in the 8th grade, and is failing all subjects. She has no learning disabilities and she is intelligent and capable of suceeding at grade level or above. Her grades have gone up and down drastically over the years. The conclusion from her teachers/admin. is that it's a choice, not her abilities. Nothing my husband and I do seems to work, recently. Incentives/rewards (of any kind) or punishment (losing privelages, etc.) do not affect her. Her teachers and principal have explained to her (as we have) that there's a big possibility that she won't go to High School next year. She wants to go but does nothing to change her situation. The grade thing is just the tip of the iceberg. I can't quite figure out what exactly it is that is wrong though. She's always presented the attitude that the world owes her something. She has a way of turning every situation around so people feel sorry for her in some way. She lies so often that my husband and I cannot believe her about anything. She has no close friends, only acquaintences. She's often mean to other kids and her brother. She's even been physical with a few kids. When she was eight she hit a nine year old boy with Cerebal Palsy in the face because he was in her way and couldn't move fast enough because of his disability. In 7th grade she slapped a friend across the face because the girl irritated her by saying "I don't deserve a lab partner". She hurt my mom's 60lb dog because he jumped in her seat when she got out of the vehicle for a minute. She just hauled off and belted him so hard that he crashed to the floor and yipped and squealed with pain. She showed no remorse for any of these incidents. Again, just the tip of the iceberg. I honestly don't know where to start. I'm just letting randomness out because I don't know what else to do. Nothing is ever enough for her. No amount of time, money, love, etc. When she receives a gift she immediately finds a subtle way to express that it's not good enough. Everything is a struggle, a mind game. I question myself a million times before I even speak. I have never had anyone (and certainly not a child) to mess with my mind like this. She creeps and sneaks around at night and listens to every word that is said by day and night. She seldom sleeps. Her lies are often so convincing and her actions so covert that adults question themselves and others. Some lies are trivial and there could be no reason to lie about such things and others are so damaging that I wonder who could even think such things! She just sits in her room waiting for something to happen. I used to think she was waiting to be entertained and would go to great lenghts to spend time with her, to make up for whatever I had done to let her down. Always, in a matter of minutes she cuts me to the bone with sarcastic criticism or does something to get me to respond with irritation or defensiveness. I don't know how she does it but it's always in a manner that makes it next to impossible to hold her accountable, something that could be explained away by a normal occurance and I just look and feel like a jerk for being offended. I continue to try although I must hold back emotionally to protect myself. Often it's her 10 year old, Autistic brother that is manipulated into losing control or just totally shutting down. He once told me that a face that she made at him (I didn't even see her do it, he replicated it though) meant that she was going to get him. It's almost like they have a hidden second language at times. Both children are adopted (daughter was 7, DS was 3). They are biological siblings and related to me. She's even told me before that she believes that she can "control his behavior" and that she could "make her brother act bad and get them taken away". She honestly believes that's what she did before. Lately, her behavior has been more extreme. We got her a laptop for Christmas and that turned out to be enlightening in the worst kind of way. We've talked about internet safety and house rules and what's expected of her for years. She has completed internet safety programs at school for at least the last three years. We have parental control software (Norton Safety Minder) installed on the laptop and on the family room computer that she's used for years. She knows it's there and how it works. If she goes to a site that isn't appropriate or does anything that goes against the "rules" Norton will block it with a friendly pop-up that lets her go back to what she was doing or email Mom that she would like to visit that page. She and I set up her email account together and she knows that I might take a quick glance from time to time. Well, the parental software started sending me a ton of email alerts regarding attempted access to porn sites. I check that email address a couple of times a week so it took me a day or two to log in to the parental software and find out the details. In those few days she googled searches for sexually explicit acts that would make the filthiest of perverts blush! She tried to sign up for numerous online "hook-up" and "date local singles" sites. She created several youtube accounts that violated their terms and youtube had shut down. The parental software blocked most, but not all of her attempts. She saved pics of naked women to the hard drive on the laptop. My husband and I are absolutely crushed and that's not even the worst of it! She was allowed to IM with some friends from school through her email. I thought it best that I look in her account to see if she had gotten through the parental software and actually registered on any of these sites. What I found in her IM records was so hurtful and damaging. She told the most awful lies, and many about ME! I couldn't believe she would say such things! She only had two girls in her contacts and it appears that one of them didn't want anything to do with her. That girl would always log off or ignore difficult child's requests to chat. She would chat with the other girl about music, boys, and school stuff. Then she started to pick at the girl, mess with her head. The girl stood her ground and didn't take any **** but showed fairness and compassion. difficult child kept throwing in the "I'm adopted" thing and this girl told difficult child that it made her uncomfortable and she didn't know what to say. Over the next few days difficult child began to say random, shocking things. She told the girl that I made her watch "love scenes" in a movie and tried to start a conversation about it. The girl didn't bite and a few days later difficult child said, "OMG, my mom just burst into my room and asked me if I mastur***** and if I knew how!" The girl told her how weird it was and she would pray for my difficult child and that she had to go! It just gets worse over the next couple of nights and their conversations ended the same way. The last one was "OMG, my mom just came into my room with a di**o and cond**s and told me it was fun and to give it a try!" The girl was totally disgusted and told her I must have mental problems. Then difficult child proceeded to say, "I know, I am soooooooooo scared! My mom is crazy!" I am horrified, humiliated and deeply hurt. I would never do or say anything like that. Needless to say, my husband and I sat her down to discuss this ASAP. The thing that caught me so off guard was that she wasn't nervous or embarassed. She seemed irritated at us. I had printed it out and asked her to read the conversation outloud so she could hear how awful it sounded. She read it without the hesitation, regret or a shred of embarassment. I would have wanted to ground to swallow me whole if I had to read/say such filthy things in front of my parents! Especially my dad! Especially if I had said those horrible things about my MOM! We took the cell phone and laptop away for a month. Her grades were A's, B's and C's until this incident. Now she's failing all classes. We didn't give her privelages back due to the grades. She says she's trying and her teachers all say she is quite capable of doing the work. It's almost as if we must now pay and suffer for taking the privelages to begin with. Every minute of every day my head spins and my heart hurts. I am so tired of the constant lies and endless head games. If difficult child were anyone else in my life I would just walk away and never look back. She is my child and that is not my option. What does one do if their child is malicous and seems to enjoy it? We've tried the counseling and therapy thing and difficult child has just chewed them up and spit them out. If anyone has any advice on how to do the best job possible raising our difficult child, without getting eaten alive, it will be greatly appreciated.