Im new here and need support!

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Paul2Change, Sep 22, 2015.

  1. Paul2Change

    Paul2Change New Member

    My name is Paul I have two young adult kids one a son whom I have just kicked out of my house because a number of reasons. Lack of respect, taking me for granite , and becoming to spread his manipulativeness ways to his 17 y.o. sister. He has been trying to smoke pot with his sister and she is not innocent by any means by indulging with him. So it has become their little secret bond. My daughter has hope and is a senior in high school this year and I refuse to let him taint his sister any longer.
    I admit that I have no claim to being a good father in the past as they were growing up. They were raised more by their mother than myself but when they were at the she of 15 their mother said get out and go live with your father. Now I am reaping what I sowed by being a buddy father more than a real father. I am through the grace of God a changed man and I almost believe I was to late. Even though I have been changed for the better for almost a year now neither kids respect me and my since Ikkicked my son out of the house he text me and constantly
    atattempts to get me to anger and say or do something to him and put me in jail. I have had to hear and take some very painful words from him and the law when I would call would never address the fact of drugs that his car smelled of or the paraphernalia in his car. The system does nothing but encourage his behavior actually stating to me that this is what you get for raising him the way I did.
    Please help
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi, Paul. Sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us.

    One thing I've noticed is that the young people do not see pot the same way we may. Pot, to them, is better than alcohol and it is going to be legal everywhere soon. So pot is going to be part of our society. We don't have to like it, just as people like me don't like it OR alcohol, but we can't stop even our kids from using something if they really want to. We are not going to chnage the mindset of an entire generation. If your son and daughter smoke pot, without abusing it, if it were me, I wouldn't worry. If they can't live without being high every day or have dabbled into other drugs, then I would be scared and sad, but there would be nothing I could do to stop him/her other t han to set boundaries in my own house.

    No pot in your house ever is reasonable. Nobody in my house can even light up a cigarette. They have to be outside.When we had a house, it was that they had to be off th e property. The same went for pot and we did not want drunken folks in our house either so we had a peaceful, calm house as we were strict about enforcing the rules in our sanctuary (our home, wherever that is).But whatthey do outside of our home is up to them. We can only control what one person in t his world does and that is us. But we can control what we allow in our home and you did fine. by the way, who pays for that car? You are not obligated to provide him with a car or pay insurance or gas money. Does your son go to school or work? If not, if it were me, there would be no car. Remember, he is driving while high.

    As for having to listen unfortunately to horrible abuse and blame from our adult children IS within our control. No, we don't have to listen to it. We can be calm and say, "I know I've made mistake, but I love you and I don't want to listen to emotional abuse. From now on, when you start it, I will gently disconnect the phone or stop texting or leave the house until you calm down and talk to me like the adult that you are." Then you can do it. I had to do it with one of my grown kids and after he saw I m eant it, our relationship changed so much for the better.

    Nobody has a right to abuse you. You don't have to listen or stay in their space and feel bad. I don't know t he circumstances of your divorce, but you are doing the right thing n ow and don't need the stress and heartache of listening to your son bashing you. He is angry now because you made him leave. That is when they ramp it up and it gets to be ugly at times. But you don't have to listen to angry tirades and accusations. But always be calm. And always say, "I love you, but I will talk to you when you are calmer. Bye." Disconnect call or text. Put your phone in a drawer if you can't resist reading or texting back.

    I am one who does not respect anything that makes us not ourselves, including alcohol. But the fact is, I have to live with alcohol. It is legal. If it is not somebody getting drunk in my house, and I am with them, it is up to me or stay or leave if people are drinking. Unless it is a drunkfest we stay. Nobody is doing anything wrong.

    I feel the same way about pot now, although Ibelieve pot (and alcohol and cigarettes) can cause health issues that we don't know t he extent of yet. I suspect that, like alcohol, many will be able to safely smoke pot in moderation and many will become addicted to it, even if it's psychological. Many will just smoke pot and that's it. Many will go on to use other things, same as alcohol. So I treat it like alcohol now. At leat in my mind. I have never had a friend who pulled out a Well, not in front of me :) I am 62 so I sure saw it when I was a kid. I didn't like it then and I don't like it now, but I can't stop it's wide acceptance in our young. Our young are different than we are. Each gneration thinks differently than the one before it and we can't control that.

    I hope you take good care of yourself. Enjoy time with your daughter, but do your own things too. You are doing the best you can and do not need to listen to ANYONE verbally abuse you for any reason.

    Glad you joined us. Keep posting ;)
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    OK first of all..... forgive yourself for the past. Yes own up to it, but dont let the guilt take over. All you can do is move forward from here and be the good father is sounds like you have become. We all make mistakes. And I believe I have been a good mom and my son still ended up a drug addict...... and I went through some periods of trying to figure out where I went wrong and finally came to the conclusion that wasnt helping me or him.

    So it sounds like you have got your priorities straight, you need to protect your 17 year old daughter. Somewhere is right, you cant control your sons drug use and trying to will get you nowhere. However you can set boundaries for your home and certainly where and how you are willing to help him financially. If he is using drugs then you want no part of helping having or use a car.

    Pay no attention to the awful things he says... if what he says are true then just calmly say I am sorry for my mistakes if they hurt you..... dont justfiy them.... but we need to go on from here. If your son at some points wants therapy for the past then be willing to go and work on whatever.... but in the meantime let him know you love him but you cant have that kind of behavior in your house.

    I will say from experience that they will say awful awful things to you to try and manipulate you.... so you have to just let it roll off you and not take it seriously. I have been through that with my son.....and after awhile they learn that they wont get what they want by manipulating you with words.

    Keep posting.
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Paul and welcome. I agree with the comments made already. How old is your son and is pot the only drug he is using?
  5. Paul2Change

    Paul2Change New Member

    Hi everyone I want to begin by saying thank you so much to those who have took time from your own busy lives to reply and make me feel welcome. God bless you all! I am tear filled now from joy that I have found you all.
    I have to admit this is a highlight of my day to come home and read the responses I received. I learned today that my son called his grandmother (my mom) whom is in Ohio and started to emotionally bash her today because she and I were united in this stance to give my son this dose of tuff love and my mother stands behind my decision to kick my son out. I told her about this site and I feel it will be very therapeutic for me to chat with people that are or have been in similar circumstances.
    My son was given his car to him from my mom and I put him on my insurance so today I dropped my policy and went with another insurance company to send a message that I am not playing games with him and my kindness will not be taken for a weakness again by him.
    I do worry about him retaliating against my home or personal belongings that I own because he acts like a 5 y.o. when things do not go the way he wants. I made my daughter go stay with a friend for a few days in case this happens I hate to say this but I do not know what he is capable of. I think I'm going to go and request a restraining order on him tomorrow but the system has failed me three times to help and do nothing but encourage his action because he has become a master of manipulation when he talks to the officers. I pray that they grant me this petition this time before someone gets hurt or worse.
    I will continue my stay on this site and pray that my encounters with this issue that I may someday help someone in my current position.
    Again thank you all for the warm welcoming and again may God bless all you saints.
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am certainly experienced with the tough love approach, having given my daughter a choice of going to rehab or finding another place to live. She chose the latter for several months and then finally took the first choice.

    Does your son still have possession of the car? I'm sure you know that not having insurance will not stop him from driving. We actually had to physically take the car and hide it for two years.

    We would welcome your mom to our board. We have several grandmothers here, she will feel at home.

    Can you please tell us how old your son is and if he is using any other drugs?
  7. Paul2Change

    Paul2Change New Member

    [QUONancyancy, post: 668158, member: 59"]I am certainly experienced with the tough love approach, having given my daughter a choice of going to rehab or finding another place to live. She chose the latter for several months and then finally took the first choice.

    Does your son still have possession of the car? I'm sure you know that not having insurance will not stop him from driving. We actually had to physically take the car and hide it for two years.

    We would welcome your mom to our board. We have several grandmothers here, she will fenot at home.

    Can you please tell us how old your son is and if he is using any other drugs?[/QUOTE]
    Yes nancy he is 19 and will be turning 20 in November. I will invite her to the site. I'm sure she would me more than happy to be on the site. She loves to chat and she has the most kindest heart I have ever seen in a human being and I'm not just saying that because she is my mother although I do believe God choose me to be her son for a reason. She taught me so many valuable life lessons that I cherrish every second I either speak to her or when I spend time with her. My father dido. He has taught me how to be a man and as young man I did not quit understand but as life moved forward he has been spot on with his wisdom. Which totally blows my mind as to how I failed as a father early in life, but I honestly believe I was given a second chance and will become a much better father the second half of my life as my kids get older and if they can open their hearts and mind to change as I have.
    On my last note I am only aware of pot being the only drugs my son does but my gut tells me otherwise.
  8. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, Paul!

    Glad you found us.

    Most of our pot-smoking young adult kids have tried other drugs. Not all, but enough to make one assume it is likely. They tend to run in circles of people that use other drugs, so they have access to a variety of drugs if they want them.

    It is terrible that your son has introduced, or at least enabled, your 17yo to smoke pot. You have to protect your minor child, so you did the right thing by kicking your son out. Your son is an adult now.

    Where is he living now?

    I'm glad your mom is on the same page as you, regarding your son. It makes things so much easier! She sounds like a wonderful person who probably has a lot of wisdom to impart to this board if she is interested in joining us.

    We have several members who have adult kids that have turned their life around, or are in the process of doing so. But, in all cases, it has been they themselves who have made that choice, and did the hard work involved.

    Don't let your guilt about the past cloud your good judgment in dealing with your son. Everyone has things they wish they had done differently, but we all have to operate in the here-and-now, not the past.

    Have you checked out the Parent Emeritus Board? There is an article on detachment at the top of the forum that you should read when you have a chance.

    We are all in the process of coping with our DCs. I hope you will stay and walk this journey with us.

  9. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Paul, you came to the right place to get support. Read my posts and you'll see the ordeal I'm going thru with my pot smoking 23 year old. I hate to say this but my son started smoking pot in high school and it's led to him doing worse things. POT, who everyone says is no big deal, has cost my son dearly. Three arrests, recent fine for paraphernalia and suspended license until end of 2016. What did he do today? Went out and bought himself a car.

    I kicked him out 3 times, this most recent time being his last so he hates me. He is going to show me (obviously by buying a car and yelling at me he hates this city and is leaving town (hung up on me) and it's all my fault I kicked him out and I was the one who caused him to get pulled over last month because he had to drive his girlfriends mom's car to go get money and the copst pulled him over & he got ticketed. His is life sucks.... all because his mama caused it all. It's all MY fault.

    Yep, I'm being punished and suffering while he is out driving all over town blowing his inheritance and having a great time, staying in a hotel and boy he'll show me!

    I know kicking him out had to be done (he was doing drugs at home during the day while I was at work, refused to pay me $100/$150 in rent (yet could spend $200 in a day at a smoke shop). It's no fun at all my friend.

    You are in good company unfortunately. It's difficult. We love our kids, try to give them everything and teach them right, then the ultimate betrayal. They stab us in the heart and tell us we are horrible and walk out.

    The day my son was born was the day the Los Angeles/Rodney King riots broke out. I held my baby boy in my arms and looked at the TV and thought the world was coming to and end with the rioting and fires. The nurse looked at me and said "Honey, get ready, today is the first day of the rest of your life you will spend worrying, your a mama, the world will never be the same".

    I will never forget that. I felt like it was this huge omen. Then three months after than my husband suddenly died, followed by the rest of my family (over a span of years). Now my son is addicted to pot and other stuff, I'm 52 and alone, worrying.

    Enough about me - keep posting (even if you post over and over go for it). This is therapy and support and some of the greatest people are on here to help you thru the dark moments. Welcome to a club I wish all of us never had to join.
  10. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    It's never too late Paul. Don't ever give up on your kids or yourself. There's always hope. In my humble opinion show your difficult child firmness with lotsa love. Don't tolerate verbal abuse nor dish it back. Celebrate the fact that you have changed your life for the better, use your "mess" for your "message".
  11. Paul2Change

    Paul2Change New Member

    Good morning all! I hope and pray that peace comes to us all today.
    I had a very trying day yesterday, I had never been to this point even though I just reviewed Sea Genies plug about being worried about her son and not knowing if her son was OK or not. By the way Happy Birthday Sea Genie!!!!! My birthday is tomorrow! But back on track, I was up at 5 a.m. as I am every morning for my devotion with God. I even had it right in face in what I was reading about worry yet I still came across a dilemma just an hour after reading about "worry". I was on the phone with my aunt as I call her every morning to talk about life and how her day was the day before and as I was speaking to her on the phone a call came in that was local but I did not recognize it but it was early so I answered it and it was my sons boss. He asked me if my son was there because he had not made it to work and it was pay day for him and that's the day he seemed to always make it on time. I explained to him I had kicked my son out almost a week ago and I have not heard from him in several days. He began to tell me how bold and disrespectful he had become at work and then his boss said that he had enough with my son and was going to let him go. I told him it was inevitable and he need not apologize to me because my son was of age and he will start lossing things one by one till he hits bottom.
    I was not bothered by this until a few hours later when I had to meet an aquatints that I sub-contracted work with to get paid and he knows my son and sees him every now and again at the little gas station deli that he (my son) works at for 15 to 20 hours a week. I told him my son was M.I.A. and his boss called looking for him for he did not k ow that he had been kicked out. This acquaintance of mine planted a seed that said " man I'm not sure what's going on with your son but he might be "H" ing out (using heroin). I never truly believed that he was into that cause I never seen my son show those characteristic before of nodding out ordid iI ever see "track marks" on his arms it back of his hands. But nevertheless by accident or which I truly believe it was the devil trying to stir me up the seed had been planted. I collected my money from him and just sat there in my truck and prayed. I called the police to see if there were any arrest made under my sons name and the local hospital. All came back negative. Thank you Jesus !! I still was at a loss because we all know how our minds go when we don't know for sure, they tend to get very creative with negative thoughts. I had a doctors appointment at 10 which was right down the road from where my son worked and I debated after leaving to drive that way back to my job or just not do that. So afterwards of the doctors visit I just called my sons boss and asked if he ever heard from my son yet. His reply ..."Yes he came in late and he will becoming back at 11 to get his check" I asked his boss to not tell him I was worried to death and almost, who am I kidding I was crying like a baby lol that he was OK and not dead.
    My day from that point on was that of utter relief and very exhaling .
    This episode put a new aspect on this whole situation that their is a chance that day could come and that I truly pray that he was not lying to me when he said he did believe in God and asked him in his heart. I don't know for sure buy I pray there are still at least a few brain cells in his head and just one God parical floating around up there in his brain.
    Thanks for listening all and God bless.
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Paul, I'm sorry for your pain. Your son is behaving likeke anyone using serious drugs. Nothing matters at that point but the drug of choice until/unless the have had enough and finally go to a rehab. From rading this forum and with my own child, I personally dont think it helps to et them into treatment before they are ready. Nd tapking to a druggie with common sense or caring bounces off of them. Bet the paycheck goes for drugs.

    Are you in therapy? I think it is important to learn to take care of ourselves nd cope when e have this going on with our adult children. Al_anon is a free resource for people who love drug addicts. It helps one learn to let go

    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
    The courage to change the things I can,
    And the wisdom to knw the differece.
  13. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Look at the good part he has a job which means he is quite a few steps ahead from many other cases on this forum. Also from what you know he does not use more powerful drugs so that is a good thing. What I want to say is look at the bright side in the end he is doing quite well for someone his age this day and age.
    Be optimist and consider this a learning experience for him.
    When he stayed with you did he pay rent or anything like that like paying for utilities?
  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi Paul. Welcome.

    I am so sorry for the situation you find yourself in. I agree with all of the other posters. Do not judge yourself harshly. Today is a new day. We can all start again. We have and we will. "I am sorry" was invented for a reason. No more is needed.

    Your children are blessed to have you. To have a parent who is willing to recommit to them and to himself. Many are not.

    Today was a good day, not a bad one, I think. You have faced the truth of the situation. You have already begun the process of change. The insurance. If the car is in your name, get it back.

    You need a plan of action. What will you do when your son contacts you? He surely will. What will be your ground rules? You have leverage now. You control the game. If there has been violence or threats of it, you have grounds for a restraining order.

    Of course, your daughter's safety is first, and your own. What is it you want, and need, for each child and for the house? I would think that your daughter needs to be involved, too, in this change of regime. Is there a chance she could be using harder drugs?

    This has to be faced. There is the question of drug-testing. For each of them. You have more control with your daughter, but you may have some control with your son, now, that he has lost his job. Others will weigh in about this.

    Your son is still very young. There is a heroin epidemic in the country, among young people. Like Dad said, that your son was working, is a good sign. Up to a point he was able to and willing to conform to the requirements of a job. Until he could not or would not. It was a start. People turn themselves around all of the time. You did. We all did and are doing better every day.

    Welcome. We are glad you are here with us. Remember, this is not your fault. Your son made his own choices. He can make new ones. I believe he will. We as parents cannot determine when. We can only be the best parents and people we can be. Keep posting, Paul.
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2015
  15. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Oh Paul I am so sorry to hear this and I can totally relate. Nothing is more gut wrenching than worrying about where they are and if they are ok. I think these past 2 weeks my stomach has felt like someone kicked me in it and Ive had this constant feeling of fear that I cant shake. The anxiety and feelimg of impending doom wont go away. My biggest fear is meth or heroin. These kids are doing anything & everything. You and I are going thru the exact same thing and having birthdays and evaluating our lives.... I tell ya - nothing in the world is as difficult as dealing with this. Hang in there and keep posting - we're all in this together.
  16. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    So just a question does he still have a job or not? I know he said he will let him go but my question did he followed trough?
  17. Proudmama888

    Proudmama888 New Member

    Hi Paul,
    I too am new to this site. As I am typing this, I have no idea where my 16 year old daughter is tonight. She too claims she only uses pot. Most likely not true. But, in the grand scheme of things what difference does it make. Here in Canada, when kids hit 16, they are considered old enough to legally not have to live at home. Crazy!! We have given her a choice. Rehab or leave. Her behaviour over the last 3 years sounds just like your son's. The manipulation, blame, self destruction. All I can say is what I've learned from therapy, educating myself regarding enabling vs helping & this forum. We cannot control their choices. I keep telling her i love her and when she is ready to leave this lifestyle, I am here for her, 100%. This forum is amazing for support!! Keep posting & Good luck!
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  18. Paul2Change

    Paul2Change New Member

    Thank you all so much for replying, I am sitting on my front porch reading and crying as I read all of your uplifting reply. I don't know if I'm crying because I know I'm not alone and these are tears of joy for eeveryone's support or just built up tears of pain from which we are all in. Nevertheless they are flowing and I am a man and I do cry.
    I'm not sure if his boss fired him or not for sure, but I'm happy that his boss knows the truth now and is not under the false pretense of whatever story my son tells him.
    On a bright note my daughter came by after work last night and brought me my favorite pizza from her work and her and I had dinner
    together and I was the happiest dad on the world at that moment from just simply eating a pizza w my daughter on my birthday. I believe she is maturity right before my eyes and growing up into a beautiful young woman that has such potential and direction that I'm amazed God gave me her. She has been staying with her best friend this past week because I wwanted her to just as a per cautionary reason in case my son would try to manipulate her into letting him in my house or in the laundry room where I keep my tools as that is my lively hood to pay the bills. She told me that she was happy her brother was gone and said that she thinks he will hit bottom at some point and make a change for the better and grow up. My daughter is 17 and she's got her head screwed on tight. She is a blessing to me. She asked me for advice about her boyfriend and wanted my opinion on a few things and Itold her my tthoughts and she said wow dad that makes a lot of sense and I think you might be on to ssomething. It made me feel so good to have my daughter w me talking about what was going on in her life and asking me for advice. I give all the thanks and glory to God for that. It just amazes me how my kids can be so different from night and day.
    As far as my son is concerned I did not get a text or call from him to wish me happy birthday but its OK I expected that. I just pray that he is alive and OK. Some one posted on here one time that really put my heart on ease saying that are kids are only on a loan to us from God and I believe that. So thank you whom ever wwrote that sorry I can't remember whom wrote it. But thank you none the less.
    To "a dad" the car my soon drives is his he owns it his tags and now his responsablity to have his own insurance and not my worry any more because like I said before I changed insurance companies and got a new policy just for my daughter's car. I made a deal with my daughter several months ago that I would take her to a car lot and she could pick any car on the lot and I would pay the down payment and taxes on the car but afterwards she is responsible for her car payment and gas. I told her I will pay for her insurance each month as long as she did not miss anymore than 3 days of school a month and has to keep at least a 2.5 GPA. she agreed and as been doing everything she said she would do. My son has now been given two vehicles to him free and clear one by my father and one by his grandmother. The first one he just drove it to pieces and now the one he drives is the last thing he's getting from my family so I pray he gets it that tthat's ur last shot as far as cars go. I see the differences between my daughter and her SUV and the pride she has for it cause she earned it and has to pay for it as apposed to my son whoms car is not even half as nice as hers is and he has no appreciation for it. At least not till it breaks down on him and he has to walk or tale ABU's or ride a skate board around town if he wants to go somewhere.
    Wow all I have to get going and go make some money today to pay the bills. Thank you all again from the bottom of my heart to all ofyou that rreplied and has taken time outof ttheir lives to read my plug. God bless you all and I pray that we all find some kind of peace today ! :)
  19. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Paul So sorry for your ordeal with your son,I have been down this road a long time now and wish I had found this site earlier.

    Your son's attempt to rein his sister in to his world by smoking pot with her is reprehensible. Absolutely unacceptable.

    I hope that you are able to stand firm in your decision. It will force your son to be a man and fend for himself. He will not have the luxury of living at home and dragging his sister down with him. It would be a different story if he was contributing to your household, but he's not. He has removed himself from your home due to his behavior. No matter what he says, or what the past was, the choices he is making now make it impossible for him to live in your home and for you and your daughter to have peace.

    We tried for many years to help our difficult adult children by allowing them to come home. They would make an effort for awhile, then go back to destructive ways, It wreaked havoc in our house. 11 long years later, I am finally realizing the toll it has taken on my husband and I, as well as taken away from being there for our boy.

    Both of my daughters have plenty to say about why they do what they do. According to them it is all my fault. The guilt card has been played many a time and it is VERY affective. It keeps us, as parents, examining ourselves and our past mistakes, while our manipulative difficult children continue status quo.

    We are only human. We make mistakes in all aspects of our lives, including parenting. When our children reach adulthood, their choices belong to them, irregardless of where, when, who, how, what, why happened in their past. Others have had tragic lives as children, but grown up to better themselves and did not dabble in drugs. As adults, they need to own up and face responsibility for their decisions.

    You did the right thing by not allowing your son to live with you. He is a danger to his sister and detrimental to the peace in your home as long as he is using. As long as he is using and you give in to him, it prevents him from getting help.

    Please read the article on Loving Detachment. It is very helpful towards sorting through all of this.

    The fact that your daughter is happy her brother is not at home is a big neon sign for you. The fact that you have to keep your tools that are essential to your livelihood locked up, for fear that your boy will steal them is telling. We had money missing from our wallets, family heirloom jewelry stolen, tools taken the list goes on.

    The worse theft is the TIME stolen from us, as we tried to rescue our two. It ALWAYS came back to bite us.

    Please keep posting here. It is a very helpful place to be. You are not alone in this struggle.
  20. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi Paul,

    How are you doing today?