I'm new here & need your suggestions

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Lilliana, Aug 31, 2007.

  1. Lilliana

    Lilliana New Member

    Hi everyone,

    I was going to sit down and write a very well-composed message to introduce myself, but I think I am just too exhausted. Tonight is just another night in a long list of nights where my 16yo daughter has stressed me to no end. She has gone out, refused to answer my calls/text messages, will probably violate curfew, and come home high. She has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and ADD, inattentive type. Starting this summer, I caught her high (weed) on probably 5 occasions. The pattern has been that she goes out with friends, lies about where she is actually going (I find out later), refuses to answer my cell phone calls or text messages, then returns past curfew (at worst one hour late), and clearly under the influence. I ground her for a few weeks, take away her computer and the lock on her door (since she would tend to run in there and refuse to let us speak to her until she sobered up the next morning), etc.. The minute she is done being grounded, she breaks the exact same rules again. I am so tired, so weary of this. I have to admit that I am having thoughts in the last month like I just wish she was 18 and I would kick her out of the house. I never imagined in my worst dreams that I could feel that way about my much wanted and much loved child. She has no conscience it seems. She is causing such enormous stress to everyone in our family. I don't know what more to do. Anyone with ideas would be helping a lot if you would mention them. More on my other, younger child later -- for now, I just want to run away, and I know I can't. This is not what I signed up for....ha. Thanks in advance for any suggestions you might have.

    age 43, mom to 16yo daughter and 13 yo son
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Hi and welcome. I've been extremely lucky that my daughter hasn't been involved with drugs. However, she did have much of the same behavior of your daughter with a few other things thrown in (like violence, theft, lying).

    She was great at not answering her phone when she deemed it convenient. I finally deemed it convenient for her to not have a phone since one of the main reasons she had it was so that I could contact her when needed. I actually called Verizon and had them shut it down (and I didn't tell her it was happening). The first time was for two weeks. The second time was for one month. The third time was for six months. Amazingly, after the six months, she got the message and always answers when I call unless her phone is dead.

    Since I could not trust my daughter to come home at appropriate times, I started taking and picking her up each and every time. She wasn't grounded. That didn't work since she'd just leave or sneak out. But it was no fun being 16 and 17 and having mom take you to wherever you wanted to go and pick you up. I also would call the police and report her missing if she wasn't where I was supposed to pick her up.

    Honestly, if my daughter had ever come home high, I would have called the police right then and there. You might want to consider filing a CHINS (Child in Need of Services) on her. This will get the courts involved, which can either be very good or very bad. If you get a good judge, it is a step in getting needed services, including rehab. It you get a judge who feels that kids like yours are incorrigible, the only thing she may get is juvie. So, it might worth some research to see which way the courts lean in your area. Given that you have a younger teen, it is even more important to try to find a way to stop her drug use.

    I'm sure others with more experience on the drug issues will come along to help. You might also want to post in the drug abuse forum. There's a wealth of information and ideas there.

    Good luck! You're not alone.
  3. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I don't live in the US, I can't help you much in the way of what is available legally. I like the idea of turning off her phone. In Australia, nobody under 18 can own their own phone, an adult has to be responsible for it. But we do have pre-paid and kids have adult friends...

    You're in trouble with the discipline. You need something enforceable. You should never impose a punishment, or threaten a punishment, that you can't enforce. Once this happens, she has won and you have lost face and power as a parent. Very bad situation.

    There are many others here who have been where you are now. They should be checking in soon. help is near. It might be difficult, but you may just have to bite the bullet and try the harder options.

    Welcome. Sorry you need us, glad you found us. Welcome to the mob!

  4. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Hi Liliana,

    My son is younger than your daughter. He was only 10 when he purchased pot, was caught(at school) and he admitted to smoking.

    My reaction...I called the doctor and requested a drug test. Wanted him screened for All drugs.
    - this came back clean. Even to what he admitted doing.
    - Dr. said he either didn't know what he was doing, or pretended
    - I had random drug tests. Requesting blood draws also.
    - I have home drug tests purchased from Walgreens.
    - I arranged for a tour of the Detention Center.

    I did not forbid the group of friends. I was afraid if I did that he would sneak around and lie to us.

    The time he saw any other kids were limited. An hour or two.
    He knew I had the home tests. I told him if I ever found drugs on him in our house, or in his room, I would call the police.
    When he whined and complained I asked if he would rather live somewhere else and follow those rules. I told him I loved him often.
    Grantid, being as young as he is/was, it is much easier to control.
    I speak with teachers/counselors and social workers often. I know the staff cannot tell me anything about other students, I do ask there opinion about whomever he may be hanging around with at the time. Basically ask if I should encourage or discourage a relationship. From the way they answer that, I come to my own conclusion. They would never come right out and say either one, I just try to read between the lines.

    Fortunately he has changed his group of friends not long after he became involved with them. Even so..I still have a stock of drug tests in the house.
    This was his first year of middle school, and I was terrified.

    We are now entering his last year of middle school. We definately have struggled through. No incidents of alcohol or drugs since.

    I pray you get the drugs under control. Good Luck
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I wish I could help more. I had a daughter who did that. The only thing that worked was throwing her out at eighteen. She did straighten out after that. I would try looking for an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). They're not a perfect solution, but they'll get her off the street. By the way, my daughter's main drug of choice (although she did them all) were ADHD medications. She and her friends crushed them in pillcrushers and snorted them either alone or with other drugs. They are a big abused drug. The most popular is Adderrall, but they use them all. If your daughter is using pot most likely she is using more. We thought our daughter was just smoking pot. Now that she's clean, she has told me the entire story. It scares me to death. She even shot heroin once (thankfully just once). I'd get her off the street any way I could and into treatment. If I'd known about Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s, and the extent of my daughter's drug use, I would have.
  6. Sara PA

    Sara PA New Member

    Think twice before you call the police. Involving the juvenile justice system may mean you lose all control of any decisions about the child, the child can be sent to some very nasty places, there may be legal costs to you, and while a judge can order rehab no judge can force a child to rehabilitate herself.

    on the other hand, the behaviors your describe are so common in teens that if every parent who had to deal with them contacted the juvenile justice system, the system would be totally overwhelmed.
  7. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Hi Lilliana

    Wanted to say hello and welcome.

    Self-medicating with illegal drugs is a problem with-many of our kids. You might want to cross-post this thread in the Teens and Substance Abuse forum.
  8. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    Hi Lilliana! Welcome to the group! I'm sorry, I don't have much advice as far as teenagers go. I only have one that is in the pre-teen attitude and he's a easy child. Still a pain in my rear, but a easy child.

    The only advice I can give is that you take care of yourself. Get some away time, some down time. A hot bubble bath, a drink with friends, whatever. Our kids are difficult and we need to be sure we take some time for ourselves and breath.

    More moms with older kiddos will be along to offer some great advice as I'm sure some above me did as well. You've found a great family of people in the group here. They offer so much support!
  9. jill324

    jill324 New Member

    Boy, can I relate with you. My heart goes out to you completely. I've been going through the EXACT IDENTICAL thing. But I did it with two daughter. So I believe I'm the one that failed. The other daughter is 24 - she's much better but still has outbursts. My youngest will be 18 in 6 weeks and I know what you mean when you say you can't wait until she's 18 to kick her out.
    I don't know if I have any good advice. We even sent her to a Christian boarding school for teens with problems like hers. Drugs, behavior, rebellion, you name it. She was there a year. While she was there, we got letters that sounded like she had completely changed. She really fooled us. At the school they even said she was just saying those things to make us feel good.
    We are in the same boat again. Her behavior sounds exactly like yours. And truthfully? I believe once they are 18 if they aren't contributing anything for living with you, you are not obligated to house them. And also I've adopted this belief. That we are doing them more harm than good by sheltering them. It's like pushing a bird out of the nest. They will never be able to fly until we do.
  10. jill324

    jill324 New Member

    I'm wondering what some of the lingo means.

    Like difficult child? Residential Treatment Center (RTC)?
    And what is my UBB Code?
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    A easy child is a "perfect child". A difficult child is a "gift from God" which is
    the way we describe our challenging children. An Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is a residential treatment center.

    A UBB??????? Good Grief! I've been here for seven years and I
    don't have a clue! :rofl: It must not be too darn important!

    Welcome newbies. Glad you found us. Sorry you had to. Welcome
    to our CD family. DDD
  12. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome to our world.

    I have a 22 year old daughter who also went through a period of time when our lives were a lot like yours. in my opinion, your daughter's behavior is way past typical teen (typical teen) stuff.

    She is openly using drugs and doesn't seem to care if she gets caught. I think it will only get worse unless you do something and do it now.

    In my case, my husband and I didn't know for sure that my difficult child was doing drugs until she was past the age where we could send her to a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or EGBS (emotional growth boarding school).

    If I were you, I would look into a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and do it fast. She needs help that I don't think you can give her (not for lack of trying or love ~ the lure of friends and drugs is just to strong to combat).

    We finally had to resort to throwing our daughter out of our house (at 19 and then again at 21) and thankfully she seems to be finally "getting it." But I wish we could have taken action earlier and saved her and us the hellacious years.

    Good luck and welcome to the board. Check out the Teen and Substance Forum, too. There are many other parents there with experience of dealing with teens and drugs.