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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 213312" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Hi there CTIAM, </p><p> </p><p>Welcome to the Board. Your description of Johnny was so very loving despite the behaviors you are enduring. My first thought has always been with kids like yours and mine - if he's behavior on the outside is this bad, how terrible must he feel on the inside? The answer is horrible....they feel horrible. </p><p> </p><p>My son also (now age 18) had abandonment issues. He is severe PTSD from abuse, ADD, and Conduct Disorder heading towards anti-social behaviors despite medicines, psychiatrists, and residential treatment facilities (known here as Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s). Then there was group homes, Department of Juvenile Justice, jail and it seems like it never ends, so the sooner you find a way to deal with getting EVERYONE in Johnny's life involved and on the same page - the better off it's going to be before someone gets hurt. </p><p> </p><p>A psychological and neurological evaluation would be a great place to start. 15 minutes is NOT enough time to get a correct and proper diagnoses and Strattera? It made my son a screaming meanie. It actually made him WORSE. Abilify helped some. Mine has been on over 64 medications and yet going for another this week. He lives currently in foster care, is a convicted felon at 16 and is out on bond for pending charges that are bogus - but tell that to the judge. </p><p> </p><p>I belive in a few things looking back. 1.) EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION. We all are taught how to talk to someone or so we think. With these children it's like their brains were put in backwards or upside down. So like learning math - some times convention methods of communication don't work. Usually this frustrates normal parents and we end up doing things and saying things we can't ever take back. So find a course in effective communication and LEARN how ---to speak to this child. It's nearly as much fun as learning a foreign language. 2.) Getting a proper diagnoses is very helpful, and KEEPING them in therapy and you and husband going to family therapy WITH him 2x a week I think helped us. </p><p> </p><p>Your son IS angry. He's so p.o'd at the world he doesn't know what to do and despite having a great dad and grandparents around - he's got to learn limits and personal boundaries, and keep in the back of your mind - how you feel inside/vs. outside plays on. I DO think his mother abandoning him is a large part of this. He coped - sure he coped but when you figure at 3, 4 he had to figure out how to COPE with this the best way he could - he only had the skills of a 3 or 4 year old to try to handle this and he has stuffed it. </p><p> </p><p>My son is like a storage unit in a gated community. I take it out of my house (problems) I put it (problem) in the storage facility (back of my mind) and I just keep stuffing, and stuffing and stuffing, and eventually one of three things will happen. The door will explode - You'll just "cope" and get another unit and continue the same depressive behaviors OR in some cases - the problems just get left there. The last option doesn't happen too much in real life. It can, but with limited coping skills it's really hard to rise above loosing your mother, not knowing WHY YOU weren't wanted - because you KNOW he's personalized this no matter WHAT he was told. And then there is a maybe someone told him his Mom was bad or worthless or he's overheard people putting her down. Maybe he hasn't, but if he has - that plays a HUGE part in how he views HIMSELF. We ALL wanted at one time to be loved or like our parents - or to know them if we were adopted or abandoned. We get left with HUGE holes that we fill with doubt, anger, self loathe, and loathe of others and eventually all that bad emotion gets stuffed in that hole or in that storage unit until it explodes....and with kids like ours - who have not been told "It's normal and okay to be angry - but expressing yourself in a proper manner is important, may have missed some key elements in functionality. </p><p> </p><p>Also the WORST thing you can do is MAKE EXCUSES or FEEL SORRY for them. They will USE this (like Gma and Gpa) and exploit the hades out of it. By NO means are these kids dumb - they are bright, intelligent and resourceful. My son on top of everything else is gifted as a writer but won't journal his emotions - and at 18 - it looks pretty awful to throw a temper tantrum. He's been in therapy for nearly 10 years. I dont' know of save few kids here that have been as difficult. He's been an ulcer, heartbreak and handfull and all before he got out of bed most days. </p><p> </p><p>Once I started family therapy (despite HOW lame it felt most weeks) I went. It's a lot like peeling back layers and more layers until you can get to the underlying cause of it. And that takes YEARS - you're starting with him at 10 almost 11? If he sticks with therapy and chooses to accept the help? It could be a s mooth transition into teens - but do get a handle on it NOW - OR abandon ship. I dont' think anyone here would say "No NO - YOU STAY and stick this out." You have to make a decision and I can and others here will tell you - THIS IS NOT NOT going to go away with therapy and/or a medication or camp or Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or anything else - it can be managed, but it's a lifetime of work to change them JUST to be civilized. </p><p> </p><p>I hope this does not scare you, but maybe pulls you more towards helping this boy find help that he needs and his family needs. I love the YMCA thing - our kids seem to do VERY good at athletic /working type activities but a lot of their block is in getting along with others or being ostracised by the other kids. </p><p> </p><p>Please know you are among those that understand - and you are NOT alone. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 213312, member: 4964"] Hi there CTIAM, Welcome to the Board. Your description of Johnny was so very loving despite the behaviors you are enduring. My first thought has always been with kids like yours and mine - if he's behavior on the outside is this bad, how terrible must he feel on the inside? The answer is horrible....they feel horrible. My son also (now age 18) had abandonment issues. He is severe PTSD from abuse, ADD, and Conduct Disorder heading towards anti-social behaviors despite medicines, psychiatrists, and residential treatment facilities (known here as Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s). Then there was group homes, Department of Juvenile Justice, jail and it seems like it never ends, so the sooner you find a way to deal with getting EVERYONE in Johnny's life involved and on the same page - the better off it's going to be before someone gets hurt. A psychological and neurological evaluation would be a great place to start. 15 minutes is NOT enough time to get a correct and proper diagnoses and Strattera? It made my son a screaming meanie. It actually made him WORSE. Abilify helped some. Mine has been on over 64 medications and yet going for another this week. He lives currently in foster care, is a convicted felon at 16 and is out on bond for pending charges that are bogus - but tell that to the judge. I belive in a few things looking back. 1.) EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION. We all are taught how to talk to someone or so we think. With these children it's like their brains were put in backwards or upside down. So like learning math - some times convention methods of communication don't work. Usually this frustrates normal parents and we end up doing things and saying things we can't ever take back. So find a course in effective communication and LEARN how ---to speak to this child. It's nearly as much fun as learning a foreign language. 2.) Getting a proper diagnoses is very helpful, and KEEPING them in therapy and you and husband going to family therapy WITH him 2x a week I think helped us. Your son IS angry. He's so p.o'd at the world he doesn't know what to do and despite having a great dad and grandparents around - he's got to learn limits and personal boundaries, and keep in the back of your mind - how you feel inside/vs. outside plays on. I DO think his mother abandoning him is a large part of this. He coped - sure he coped but when you figure at 3, 4 he had to figure out how to COPE with this the best way he could - he only had the skills of a 3 or 4 year old to try to handle this and he has stuffed it. My son is like a storage unit in a gated community. I take it out of my house (problems) I put it (problem) in the storage facility (back of my mind) and I just keep stuffing, and stuffing and stuffing, and eventually one of three things will happen. The door will explode - You'll just "cope" and get another unit and continue the same depressive behaviors OR in some cases - the problems just get left there. The last option doesn't happen too much in real life. It can, but with limited coping skills it's really hard to rise above loosing your mother, not knowing WHY YOU weren't wanted - because you KNOW he's personalized this no matter WHAT he was told. And then there is a maybe someone told him his Mom was bad or worthless or he's overheard people putting her down. Maybe he hasn't, but if he has - that plays a HUGE part in how he views HIMSELF. We ALL wanted at one time to be loved or like our parents - or to know them if we were adopted or abandoned. We get left with HUGE holes that we fill with doubt, anger, self loathe, and loathe of others and eventually all that bad emotion gets stuffed in that hole or in that storage unit until it explodes....and with kids like ours - who have not been told "It's normal and okay to be angry - but expressing yourself in a proper manner is important, may have missed some key elements in functionality. Also the WORST thing you can do is MAKE EXCUSES or FEEL SORRY for them. They will USE this (like Gma and Gpa) and exploit the hades out of it. By NO means are these kids dumb - they are bright, intelligent and resourceful. My son on top of everything else is gifted as a writer but won't journal his emotions - and at 18 - it looks pretty awful to throw a temper tantrum. He's been in therapy for nearly 10 years. I dont' know of save few kids here that have been as difficult. He's been an ulcer, heartbreak and handfull and all before he got out of bed most days. Once I started family therapy (despite HOW lame it felt most weeks) I went. It's a lot like peeling back layers and more layers until you can get to the underlying cause of it. And that takes YEARS - you're starting with him at 10 almost 11? If he sticks with therapy and chooses to accept the help? It could be a s mooth transition into teens - but do get a handle on it NOW - OR abandon ship. I dont' think anyone here would say "No NO - YOU STAY and stick this out." You have to make a decision and I can and others here will tell you - THIS IS NOT NOT going to go away with therapy and/or a medication or camp or Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or anything else - it can be managed, but it's a lifetime of work to change them JUST to be civilized. I hope this does not scare you, but maybe pulls you more towards helping this boy find help that he needs and his family needs. I love the YMCA thing - our kids seem to do VERY good at athletic /working type activities but a lot of their block is in getting along with others or being ostracised by the other kids. Please know you are among those that understand - and you are NOT alone. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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