I'm new here

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Olligator, Jun 8, 2012.

  1. Olligator

    Olligator New Member

    Hi. This is the first time I'm starting a post and I'll admit I'm really kind of nervous. I'm sitting here's crying because I have an 8 yr old difficult child son who is PPD-not otherwise specified, ADD with some mood components thrown in. He has hAd a bad week, with lots of tantruming. He gets really mean an nasty, saying "I hate you," "you're stupid" you've ruined my life" etc.How do you get past the meanness and the hatred? My husband isn't speaking to him, and he is so fed up he wants to send him away some where. It is really straining our marriage, and I'm devistated because all we do now is argue.

    I should mention that during outbursts I try to ignore him, to the point of shutting myself into a room away from him. When he is not like this ( which is rare) he can be a great kid. He is just so angry and mean. We got in to see his psychiatrist and are changing the medications around. Hopefully that will help. He is under the care of a child psychologist now, but he has seen a neuropsychologist. This is a relatively new psychiatrist, who was recommended by his old one who had to stop practicing. So far I like him.

    I guess I want to know how you stay sane through this.
  2. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Welcome! So sorry he is having a bad week. When difficult child 1 was little and much more violital I would journal everything. His behavior, my reaction to his behavior, what the other kids were doing, ect... It really helped me to get it out on paper (or computer) so I didn't feel like I had to hold it all in. I also have been in therapy off and on difficult child 1's whole life.

    As for husband I'm not really the best one to answer that.

    Glad you're here sorry you're going through a rough time.
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Oh please don't be nervous. I would be willing to bet the vast majority of posters here have felt as you are feeling right now...it is a weird feeling to talk about such serious and lonely topics.

    I have a child who speaks in mean words (has even said "I won't do it, but I wish I could just squeeze your neck and kill you".....pretty hard not to take that and being called a Mo....f-word, b-word, n-word, etc....just can go on and on. Or, youre such a stupid :censored2:. uggg I hate that, yesterday at the playground heard kids from 7 to 15 saying far worse and it helped put some perspective on it since our Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-ers dont really get the rules for words you say only among friends ( not that t hose are OK but kids know to hide it, etc) and how to treat different adults with different levels of respect.

    While I do feel it, I often have to really detach my emotions and go into therapy mom mode. I turn off all extra sounds in the house and do reflect what he means (if his outburst is because of a change I work on the change, etc...). I do have to realize he didn't choose to have this frustration, this issue. Not.his.fault. Yes, we have to teach, correct, appropriately consequence(if meaningful for your child)...but the main thing is to do what you a re doing....figure out what is going on. medications? End of school? Changes in home?? Sensory issues, growth, whatever....it can be so overwhelming. Journaling can really help (record days, times, concerns, food, whatever you feel is needed....make sure to include the schedule.)

    Anyway, gotta go get Q...really glad you joined. Lots of welcome wagon folks will be along, I'm sure of it...hope to talk to you soon.
  4. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Hello and welcome. It is good you have reached out to find support. Many others here understand! What I have realised about my son when he is saying awful things during a tantrum - though this is much rarer than it was and really much more the exception than the rule (oh, that'll be famous last words, of course :)) now - is that he really doesn't "mean" or control it. It's as though he's in the grip of some impulse that has to manifest in that moment... when I view it like that, it helps me keep things somewhat in proportion and not get so despairing about it. But I think the older the child is, the worse, probably.
    Others will have good advice and insights too, I am sure.
  5. keista

    keista New Member

    Welcome and (((HUGS))))

    Try not to take it personally. If he had the flu and threw up after a meal, would you take it personally and think you're a bad cook? NO. Try thinking in the same terms with his outbursts. The anger, the actions, the words are primarily due to the disorder. This doesn't mean he doesn't have to take responsibility for them, but it's not "personal".
  6. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    I understand the mean language is hard to hear, I think everyone here has said things in heat of the moment they wish they could take back. With my girls I realize they are ill and the words should be considered as "verbal vomit" it's kind of like a kid going thru chemo if got sick wouldn't punish but try to find a way to be less sick.

    It's kind of the same way with the kids with stability they don't say these mean things so I try to achieve stability instead of focusing on punishment of breaking house rule about verbal aggression. Things have heated up at my house recently so kind of hit & run posting this weekend - welcome to the forums hope some of this helps
  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Hi there Olligator! This piece from your post is SO familiar to me. I didn't even feel welcome in the home I was paying the mortgage on. Onyxx had taken up ALL the space with her koi.

    I can't tell you how to stay sane. I can tell you that this board has helped immensely! If I hadn't found it 3.5 years ago, I probably would be divorced from husband or in a loony bin. Having someplace to go and talk and vent and even sometimes brag is awesome.

    husband and I fought a lot about it, too. I did want to send Onyxx somewhere - for treatment - because she so desperately needed it. I didn't want to get rid of her, I wanted to get HELP for her. It took forever, with lots of false starts and detours. And one thing we figured out... There IS a light at the end of the tunnel. Can't see how far away it actually IS, but it's there. (And there are times it flickers, too. Sorry bout that... Our kids are wired differently, and sometimes the connections don't quit make it...)

    :hugs: And welcome.
  8. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Active Member

    Welcome Olligator. The parents here understand what you are going through. I know you've had a terrible week and feel beaten down. You won't always feel that way and when you do, we get it.

    If you guys don't have a copy of The Explosive Child, get ahold of one. I'm thinking that if both you and husband can get on the same parenting page with some of the techniques, perhaps the arguing in your house will lessen. I know dealing with your son is difficult, but it's important that the two of you work together. Arguing between the parents will make your son feel upset and probably lead to more tantrums. See if you can get husband to agree to trying to get the house to a calmer place. If that means he can't talk to difficult child, that could be okay for awhile.

    Hang in there. (((hugs)))
  9. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member


    First rule: do NOT take it personally. None of the words and none of the behavior. It is NOT personal, so do not take it that way. Besides most of our kids can not even begin to understand why we DO take it personally. It just does not connect. It becomes an opportunity for them to become frustrated and be different once again.

    Second rule: It is OK to have moments where you dislike your child or wish them to live somewhere else. It is very draining to parent these children. So, forgive husband, he is just tired. It is OK for him to feel that way. It is natural. Of course, it is unrealistic in most cases. But, necessary in some, too.

    How long has he been on current medications? Anything at all different since starting them? Do you keep a journal? Many have learned specific things (foods, times of day, medications, etc) that seem to either help or make things worse. It is easier to identify if you have things written down.
  10. Olligator

    Olligator New Member

    Thanks for all of the support and advice; it really does ease the burden a bit when you realize you are not alone. The idea of a journal is a great one, I will start doing that. he has been on the trileptal for a little over a year. THe intuniv started in January. We are going to wean him off of that because I believe it makes things worse. Since there has been some improvements with the trileptal, we are going up that dose to see how he tolerates it.

    I do my best to not take difficult child's comments personally, and some days it's easier to handle than others. I just need my family back...a family that will speak to each other and want to spend time together. We don't do things as a family because we don't know how difficult child will be... And that hurts his little brother who spends a lot of time saying I hate it when difficult child is mean to you. easy child gets so upset with the name calling and meanness that he now cries a lot. I'm tired of walking on eggshells to attempt to head off another tantrum. I don't want to fight with husband over difficult child--should we continue with private therapies or do we stop everything because it doesn't seem to be showing improvements. I am so confused.

    I'm convinced that difficult child would not have come as far as he has if not for the therapies. I don't want to quit them. On the other hand, the are very pricey. I need to make sure that the therapies we use are the correct ones. Are there any promising therapies on the horizon that can help, or is the same social skills dyad, and the same Occupational Therapist (OT) worth staying with.

  11. Welcome.

    We have very similar stories. I even started a thread recently asking the question "How do we survive this?"

    "Walking on eggshells" a common term I have used since I started describing life with my difficult child...describing it to family, friends, doctors.....second only to "jumping through hoops" and "bending over backwards to keep him happy and calm."

    Feel free to PM me.

    hang in there,