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I'm new I can see I'm not as alone as I thought
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 653856" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Hi, Isla. I am so glad you found us, so happy you are here with us, now. I am a grandmother, too. I find it to be true that whatever the child is going through, knowing there is someone out there who would stop it if she could, someone who cherishes the child and believes in her, makes a tremendous difference in the child's strength and resilience. There are so many things we cannot change for our grands, but we can love them really strong and let them know that we celebrate their lives. We can let them know how grateful we are that they are who they are, and that we got to be their grandmothers.</p><p></p><p>That is alot, when you think about it.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes, we are meant to be that person on the outside who witnesses for the child, and who helps them to see themselves in a healthy, cherished and cherishable way, so they will grow into strong adults, whatever their challenges have been as children.</p><p></p><p>In those ways, we can learn to be very strong and very centered for them as they grow up and then, they can pattern themselves on the strength they have learned from us, and on the ways we have taught them to see themselves.</p><p></p><p>It is good to have a grandmother, and it is good to be a grandmother, and that seems to be our job, here.</p><p></p><p>It is tempting to want to take over, to take the child yourself. I have taken grands until their parent was able to take them back, but I have never had to take the parent's place or role. It seemed to me that parenting their own children would save my addicted son or daughter and I think it is true that their responsibilities to their children were, in the end, the thing that saved both my children.</p><p> </p><p>I feel badly that these things are happening in your family, but there is so much we have no say about.</p><p></p><p>It is a hard thing.</p><p></p><p>Brene Brown writes that we humans are hard-wired, from birth, for challenge.</p><p></p><p>That comforts me in those times when I am so worried about my own grands.</p><p></p><p>They are very strong.</p><p></p><p>They have us, loving them and protecting and teaching them who they are and can be.</p><p></p><p>It is good to think of someone far away who loves us, when we are sad.</p><p></p><p>That is who we are for our grands when our children are messing things up for everyone in the family and we sort of hate them for it.</p><p></p><p>It's all so confusing, but if we try to know the best we can how to respond, given the situation, then we are doing all we can do.</p><p></p><p>And somehow, that has to be enough.</p><p></p><p>It's really hard.</p><p></p><p>The other thing is this: The child does not know how different things are supposed to be. She does not understand anything but that she loves her parents, and she will make the best of her situation, as all children do. In my family, I have tried to be very careful not to let my opinions about the parent over whatever it is that is horrifying me lately leak over into my conversations with my grands. I think it is valuable to them to hear from me that their parents love them and are really great parents. </p><p></p><p>Now, with all the terrible things that have happened in the past few years, I have learned to say, "When your parent is on her game, there is no better mother."</p><p></p><p>This is true, actually.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes, we have to know where we can be of most support.</p><p></p><p>Often, that means strengthening the relationship, and the trust, between our grands and their parents.</p><p></p><p>That can be such a hard thing, when we are so angry and shocked and disappointed in our children's parenting or partners.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 653856, member: 17461"] Hi, Isla. I am so glad you found us, so happy you are here with us, now. I am a grandmother, too. I find it to be true that whatever the child is going through, knowing there is someone out there who would stop it if she could, someone who cherishes the child and believes in her, makes a tremendous difference in the child's strength and resilience. There are so many things we cannot change for our grands, but we can love them really strong and let them know that we celebrate their lives. We can let them know how grateful we are that they are who they are, and that we got to be their grandmothers. That is alot, when you think about it. Sometimes, we are meant to be that person on the outside who witnesses for the child, and who helps them to see themselves in a healthy, cherished and cherishable way, so they will grow into strong adults, whatever their challenges have been as children. In those ways, we can learn to be very strong and very centered for them as they grow up and then, they can pattern themselves on the strength they have learned from us, and on the ways we have taught them to see themselves. It is good to have a grandmother, and it is good to be a grandmother, and that seems to be our job, here. It is tempting to want to take over, to take the child yourself. I have taken grands until their parent was able to take them back, but I have never had to take the parent's place or role. It seemed to me that parenting their own children would save my addicted son or daughter and I think it is true that their responsibilities to their children were, in the end, the thing that saved both my children. I feel badly that these things are happening in your family, but there is so much we have no say about. It is a hard thing. Brene Brown writes that we humans are hard-wired, from birth, for challenge. That comforts me in those times when I am so worried about my own grands. They are very strong. They have us, loving them and protecting and teaching them who they are and can be. It is good to think of someone far away who loves us, when we are sad. That is who we are for our grands when our children are messing things up for everyone in the family and we sort of hate them for it. It's all so confusing, but if we try to know the best we can how to respond, given the situation, then we are doing all we can do. And somehow, that has to be enough. It's really hard. The other thing is this: The child does not know how different things are supposed to be. She does not understand anything but that she loves her parents, and she will make the best of her situation, as all children do. In my family, I have tried to be very careful not to let my opinions about the parent over whatever it is that is horrifying me lately leak over into my conversations with my grands. I think it is valuable to them to hear from me that their parents love them and are really great parents. Now, with all the terrible things that have happened in the past few years, I have learned to say, "When your parent is on her game, there is no better mother." This is true, actually. Sometimes, we have to know where we can be of most support. Often, that means strengthening the relationship, and the trust, between our grands and their parents. That can be such a hard thing, when we are so angry and shocked and disappointed in our children's parenting or partners. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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