boy did I feel like I was going to break down this morning! I don't know if it's my gut feeling, my own anxiety, or me feeding off difficult child's anxiety, but I just don't feel 100% comfortable with the Day Program difficult child will be attending. We were originally given the paperwork for the place a little over a month ago from the Day Hospital difficult child was attending BEFORE his re-admit to the psychiatric hospital as an option for his "next step" when leaving the day hospital. Reading the paperwork felt overwhelming to me and their point system sounded very strict and of little reward. I don't know...it could be just me. So, I've just felt uneasy about this place from the begining. Today was our in-take meeting and we went through the whole process...the guy who did our in-take was nice and easy to talk to and then he asked me for what goals I would like difficult child to work on while at the Program and he kept bringing up the Oppositional behavior. I just couldn't get the impression out of my head that they expect difficult child to be able to comply with rules and regs when he may not be able to. Like that they're SO "Basket A" it could destroy him. Again, it could just be me...it could be all in my head, but my stomach was in knots and my heart was in my throat and I felt like I was going to burst out crying at any moment! I just kept brining up goals like coping skills and recognizing meltdowns before they happen and reducing isolation...and I explained how difficult child gets "stuck" and I don't want this to be a negative experience for him and I don't want him to dread coming here...I guess I was just trying to make myself feel better. Then, it came time to leave and difficult child was so anxious and upset about the whole Program thing (he *SO* does not want to go) that he wouldn't get out of his seat to leave...intead he bunched up his body and was hitting his head. I tried to nicely talk to him...bribe him with McDonalds...bribe him with the reminder that his grandfather was at home...nothing worked...so the guy doing our intake said, "Where did you park?" and I pointed to the side of the tiny building...and for some strange reason, he said, "Well, why don't you pull your car around to the other side?" I said, OK figuring there must be a door closer to his office and he must be thinking we can just carry difficult child out....this tiny little building has about 10 doors...all unmarked and all apparently locked because when we got there, we had no idea where to go and couldn't get in! So, I go out, move my car, and figure this guy is going to meet me at the locked door I came in at to let me back in to get difficult child...he doesn't! I'm locked out of the building and my upset child is inside! I knock on the door...nobody comes. I walk around the building to see if there's a marked door....nope. I go back to the locked door and knock again....no one comes. I go back to my car...HIS OFFICE WINDOW IS RIGHT BY WHERE MY CAR IS....I'm thinking I KNOW HE CAN SEE ME....no doors open...the blinds don't part...he says nothing through the window. In fact, when I start to walk towards the window, the window shuts. I heard the a/c turn on too...probably a coincidence...at least that's what I'm telling myself. He couldn't have seen me coming and shut the window on purpose. I grab my cell phone and call his office....he doesn't pick up...it goes to voice mail. I have no idea what's going on inside that office with my son. I have no idea how severe the meltdown has gotten. I have no idea what this "stranger" is doing. I can not get into the building. I called my husband who is 3 states away on business choking back tears to tell him "I don't like this place!" and husband says he's in a meeting and can't really talk, he'll have to call me back. I have no choice but to sit in my car and stare at the mans office window. FINALLY, and I have no idea how much time passed, he opens a window and tells me that difficult child is "still in here" and I can finally say, "I CAN'T GET BACK INTO THE BUILDING!" and he tells me where to go. I swear I was going to have a nervous breakdown. Even thinking back about it I am on the verge of tears. I probably sound like a lunatic! Yes...the door he directed me to....yup...it was unlocked. It was on the backside of the building, unmarked...one of the 10 doors...how the heck was I supposed to know?