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<blockquote data-quote="dreamer" data-source="post: 335759" data-attributes="member: 1697"><p>Timerlady, I want to send you a hug. It is my moms & her last husbands anniversary, both are now gone, & were when my younmgest brother was rather young. my anniversary was last week. I posted earlier today about issues RELATED to my husband.but HE was not my dissatisfaction. Not at all. My husband & I never got to have the early infatuation time.....we met in crisis (his) and crisis upon crisis, him as the only child hit hard & fast. I myself had been alone & had been on my own away from security & struggling for several years already. We tried in vain for children, as my husband is older than I am. It took quite awhile for us to stop haveing miscarriages and have children, but by that time, my dear precious best friend already began to slip away from me. Not physically, not thenm....but mentally, emotionally & cognitively. Not to alcohol or drugs but to combat PTSD delayed onset with catatonic fugues...lasting several years. A couple doctors diagnosed him early onset alzheimers. My sweet best friend was mostly gone. our kids were preschool. I was on my own, no family help- no education, no resources. Wed already buried his parents. To say Life was extremely difficult is an understatement. As doctors tried to help my husband, he became quite combative, angry, ugly. As such most everyone I did have in my life deserted me becuz I chose to stay with my dear man that I knew was inside this shell. But my husband was not really in that shell exactly, & it was 20 long hard years of seeing his physical presence in appearance & often just a bump on a chair or sometimes an angry babbling drooling peeeing idiot on a chair. Meanwhile I struggled with my difficult child and my easy child and my tiny son........and the schools, & working 12- 18, even 20 hours a day to financially provide our shelter food & sometimes medications. sometimes extremely expensive medications. juggling my work around behavior mod doctors for difficult child and husband.....and psychiatrist appts and therapist and wrap and sass appts.....</p><p>there were times I hated the man I also loved so dearly. I was always exhausted. I was totally alone in my personal life. we were so .hungry. we fell thru the cracks just barely above the limits for help. Sometimes I blamed my husband. I was overstressed. Then MY health failed massively, as you know. my dr felt the stress contributed to my condition. Our life here was SO out of control, SO difficult. Everytime I turned around people told me to dump my husband and things would be easier. Others who did not understand construed my husband behaviors as abuse. I considered it majjor illness, brain cancer was found from Agent Orange from his time in Military.......combined with the extreme PTSD. I just could not walk away from this man. He did not become how he was by his choice. But I can tell you, the VA is not very helpful with these types of diagnosis'es. </p><p></p><p>OK shift forward - in august my husband had his 2nd heart attack (the first was very mild and MANY years ago) I was extremely blown away. Every once in awhile MY man peeks out of the fog & hell helives in inside his head......and for a short time, he can converse with me for a few minutes. </p><p>I have difficult child here, with all her drama & issues and difficulties andpeculiarities. I struggle to educate my son on my own. I now take care of my new (almost 1 yr old) grandson. & I flare, some days so very very bad & some days I myself have to cry at my husband and my kids and tell them well, today I cannot move at all, so YOU need to bring ME water and hold it to my mouth. HA! </p><p></p><p>Last nite.................</p><p></p><p>Last nite my precious best friend my dear husband - had another heart attack. All I could think was OH NO, un un no way.NO! You cannot go yet. I havent really had my dear husband now in 20 years. I did bury a previous husband when I was 25 yrs old. I buried my mom & most fav aunt & also my best friend ? 3 ? years ago? Nope. I. AM. NOT. READY. </p><p></p><p>Yes, I vent. It is extremely difficult to be as alone as I have been..........for so very long. BUT my husband is MINE. and my difficult child is MINE. and my goofy erratic easy child is MINE. and my son is MINE. I spend every minute almost of every single day taking care of them, no matter how hard it can be sometimes. BUT my husband is still my BEST friend, somewhere in there. He hasnt even held my hand in over 15 years. Doesnt matter. </p><p></p><p>BUT when Im down & in the trenches, sometimes I have to vent. Life is hard. I have to let the steam out somewhere. to do so here at my husband or difficult child would only escalate them. That backfires. </p><p></p><p>& my post & my issues were not becuz of my husband but rather by people who have the wonderful good luck to have not had to cope with mental illness or physical disabilities in themselves or close intimate loved ones or children. I so so so hate being told "theres a medication for that" theres a place to put people like that. Theres laws about that. I get so tired of hearing other people refer to my husband or my difficult child or my son or grandson as if they are inanimate objects just becuz they are not mentally or physically conforming and traditional and common. or becuz they mite be difficult or cause me work. </p><p></p><p>I just wanted to let ya know..........I get frustrated. & I get "down" but oh oh oh. NOONE messes with MY loved ones.......becuz I TREASURE them dearly. & I treasuire every day, every minute. Last nite I held my breathe all nite. BEGGING that hospital to just give me my husband back.........imperfect as they mite think he is. Hes mine & I love him, I love him dearly.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="dreamer, post: 335759, member: 1697"] Timerlady, I want to send you a hug. It is my moms & her last husbands anniversary, both are now gone, & were when my younmgest brother was rather young. my anniversary was last week. I posted earlier today about issues RELATED to my husband.but HE was not my dissatisfaction. Not at all. My husband & I never got to have the early infatuation time.....we met in crisis (his) and crisis upon crisis, him as the only child hit hard & fast. I myself had been alone & had been on my own away from security & struggling for several years already. We tried in vain for children, as my husband is older than I am. It took quite awhile for us to stop haveing miscarriages and have children, but by that time, my dear precious best friend already began to slip away from me. Not physically, not thenm....but mentally, emotionally & cognitively. Not to alcohol or drugs but to combat PTSD delayed onset with catatonic fugues...lasting several years. A couple doctors diagnosed him early onset alzheimers. My sweet best friend was mostly gone. our kids were preschool. I was on my own, no family help- no education, no resources. Wed already buried his parents. To say Life was extremely difficult is an understatement. As doctors tried to help my husband, he became quite combative, angry, ugly. As such most everyone I did have in my life deserted me becuz I chose to stay with my dear man that I knew was inside this shell. But my husband was not really in that shell exactly, & it was 20 long hard years of seeing his physical presence in appearance & often just a bump on a chair or sometimes an angry babbling drooling peeeing idiot on a chair. Meanwhile I struggled with my difficult child and my easy child and my tiny son........and the schools, & working 12- 18, even 20 hours a day to financially provide our shelter food & sometimes medications. sometimes extremely expensive medications. juggling my work around behavior mod doctors for difficult child and husband.....and psychiatrist appts and therapist and wrap and sass appts..... there were times I hated the man I also loved so dearly. I was always exhausted. I was totally alone in my personal life. we were so .hungry. we fell thru the cracks just barely above the limits for help. Sometimes I blamed my husband. I was overstressed. Then MY health failed massively, as you know. my dr felt the stress contributed to my condition. Our life here was SO out of control, SO difficult. Everytime I turned around people told me to dump my husband and things would be easier. Others who did not understand construed my husband behaviors as abuse. I considered it majjor illness, brain cancer was found from Agent Orange from his time in Military.......combined with the extreme PTSD. I just could not walk away from this man. He did not become how he was by his choice. But I can tell you, the VA is not very helpful with these types of diagnosis'es. OK shift forward - in august my husband had his 2nd heart attack (the first was very mild and MANY years ago) I was extremely blown away. Every once in awhile MY man peeks out of the fog & hell helives in inside his head......and for a short time, he can converse with me for a few minutes. I have difficult child here, with all her drama & issues and difficulties andpeculiarities. I struggle to educate my son on my own. I now take care of my new (almost 1 yr old) grandson. & I flare, some days so very very bad & some days I myself have to cry at my husband and my kids and tell them well, today I cannot move at all, so YOU need to bring ME water and hold it to my mouth. HA! Last nite................. Last nite my precious best friend my dear husband - had another heart attack. All I could think was OH NO, un un no way.NO! You cannot go yet. I havent really had my dear husband now in 20 years. I did bury a previous husband when I was 25 yrs old. I buried my mom & most fav aunt & also my best friend ? 3 ? years ago? Nope. I. AM. NOT. READY. Yes, I vent. It is extremely difficult to be as alone as I have been..........for so very long. BUT my husband is MINE. and my difficult child is MINE. and my goofy erratic easy child is MINE. and my son is MINE. I spend every minute almost of every single day taking care of them, no matter how hard it can be sometimes. BUT my husband is still my BEST friend, somewhere in there. He hasnt even held my hand in over 15 years. Doesnt matter. BUT when Im down & in the trenches, sometimes I have to vent. Life is hard. I have to let the steam out somewhere. to do so here at my husband or difficult child would only escalate them. That backfires. & my post & my issues were not becuz of my husband but rather by people who have the wonderful good luck to have not had to cope with mental illness or physical disabilities in themselves or close intimate loved ones or children. I so so so hate being told "theres a medication for that" theres a place to put people like that. Theres laws about that. I get so tired of hearing other people refer to my husband or my difficult child or my son or grandson as if they are inanimate objects just becuz they are not mentally or physically conforming and traditional and common. or becuz they mite be difficult or cause me work. I just wanted to let ya know..........I get frustrated. & I get "down" but oh oh oh. NOONE messes with MY loved ones.......becuz I TREASURE them dearly. & I treasuire every day, every minute. Last nite I held my breathe all nite. BEGGING that hospital to just give me my husband back.........imperfect as they mite think he is. Hes mine & I love him, I love him dearly. [/QUOTE]
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