I'm scared, what's going to happen?

[Prayfort23]

I am so lost and scared right now. I haven't slept more than 3 hours in 3 days. My daughter who is 20 is a meth addict, and I just found out. Back story, I was a single mom our whole life. father in and out of the picture, now lives 2 blocks away and hardly talks to her. She yearns for his love but acts out because she is angry... I'm starting to question my parenting as I feel like a complete failure..
My new husband has been telling me for about 5 months that he thinks that they are tweaking (her and her boyfriend) as they were up all night all the time. I would ask my daughter and she would swear she would take a pee test. would get angry and hurt that I even accused her because she definetly is against it. So I believed her, she never lied to me before and I would get upset at my husband for thinking this. But I had to admit that she was SO skinny, like a skeleton skinny and I asked her why she was losing weight and something was wrong.. she had every excuse. End of April her and her boyfriend were in her room - and she asked to use my phone... when I got it back, I noticed that her FB was open and I looked at her messages.. One of her messages said she was clean for a day and she was "tired of tweaking"...... We were having a birthday party for my husband, the kids (young) were there, and his brother...
I walked into the room with phone in hand and confronted her and her boyfriend.. they both admitted and said that they were done and that was the first day they were clean.. Locks went on the doors, gates, she was on lockdown. I told her that I wanted her to go to rehab and she made it seem like it wasn't that much. She wrote out an entire contract stating that she would go to meetings, and counselors and not hang out with the friends, if I would just let her do the meetings.... I took her to an OP rehab.. 4 hours a day for 4 days a week, group therapy 2 days a week. Drug free the entire time as they would test. She didn't like it, didn't think she needed it and wasn't going to take it.... said she wanted to do the meetings and counseling.
Meanwhile, i'm not telling anybody because I feel embarrassed and like a failure, I failed my daughter.. i'm a bad mom.. what went wrong...
She slept for 3 days, only getting up to eat and drink.. her color came back, her weight went up.. I was testing her every week, and she would pass. So I gaave her the car back. She got a new job working 30 hours a week.. I thought she was in the clear.
It was this weekend.. she decided that after work she was going to go to her girlfriends house (mind you she broke up with the boyfriend now). I would tell her taht I dind' want her to go out. I wanted her home, and all she would say is "i'm 20, I want to act 20.. don't sketch out on me everytime I move, i'm fine! so she became very flippant this weekend.. I would text her and ask where she was and when she coming home.. I got the "later", "not sure", "on my way" but would never come. I threatened her that she is getting the car taken away and then good luck going to work.. I would get "Im sorry, I won't use your car after today".. It went on all night.. for 2 nights.
Today i'm working at home (she was supposed to work in the afternoon). my doorbell is frantically ringing... It was the boyfriends mom saying "you have to come with me, they are spun out of control and at my house fighting!" I get in the car and go up there and she looked horrible.. she hadn't eaten in 3 days. she was sleeping in my car with her boyfriend.. I treatened him and all his friends. telling him to tell everyone to stay away..
After I left the boyfriends mom called the cops on him because he was freaking out. Cops came and arrested him because he had meth on him. I took my daughter home and wanted her to pee in a cup.. which she wouldnt for awhile but then decided she would but I have to turn half around... when she handed it to me, it smelled fruity.. (i've since learned to pass a drug test for meth, you add citrus to the urine sparingly and it gives a negative result. which it did, and I knew she was high.. she fell over the stairs, it was so sad.

Anyway, long story short. I took her phone away.. and figuring that I can't do this alone, I called her grandparents, and yes, her father and his girlfriend. We all met at his house, where he told me it was my fault because I let her do anything... she is 20, I can't hold her back.. wanted me to admit that I was a bad mom... and that he can't help that kid becuause she don't want him to.... the grandparents were on my side and the father said "why don't you step up and be a father, this is not all on her".... census was that they would come over tomorrow afternoon, so she can sleep more... and we would all talk to her... this is why i'm scared.
1. She is my shining star who I have trusted and loved her whole life.. I feel like i'm betraying her by telling on her.
2. I'm scared if she gets mad and freaks out, she will leave, with nothing and into the arms of all the druggies.. and if she dies, nobody will care because they are in it too.
3. Im scared that she will hate me.

Positives
1. I will get more help to guide me, or to help me if she leaves.
2. I will save her life possibly.
3. It will get her away from the trash in this town.
4. She will be normal..

What do I do if she wants to leave?? I can't let her go out alone.. I'm to scared. Once she wakes up and finds no phone it will be crazy.

Does anybody have advice??? I'm desperate. She has to go to rehab... but whats the consequence?

Thank you.

 

[Nancy]

Welcome and I'm so glad you found us. Your daughter needs help now, if she does not get help she will continue to spiral out of control and there is a good chance she can die. You can't do this yourself, she needs treatment. My suggestion is that you get together with your extended family and determine what help you are willing to provide, what your insurance will cover, and what you can supplement. Make the arrangements and then have an intervention with your daughter. You may want to consult with an interventionist. Our moderator Kathy813, used one with her difficult child and was very pleased.

Please know that it is not your job to have your daughter like you, you want her alive. She will hate you because you will not allow her to continue using. Once she is clean the stinking thinking will be gone and she will realize you love her too much to let her kill herself. Many of us have had to face the fact that our difficult child may leave and die if they don't get help. Some of us have even had to make treatment a condition of living with us. Your difficult child will pull out all the stops not to go to treatment. She will promise you anything. Just remember those promises are nothing compared to the pull of addiction.

Your post is very close to my heart because it brings back so many memories of the early stages when we were trying to get help for our difficult child. Don't give up. Like Carol O'Connor said, "get between your child and drugs any way you can."

You asked what were the consequences of treatment. I ask what are the consequences that she doesn't go to treatment?

 

[Zardo]

I'm so sorry you're going though this and sorry for the great dispair you feel right now - it's a feeling that is far too common for many of us.

You are doing the right thing - she is using meth - you MUST take a stand. It is true that she may walk out and something bad may happen - but if you do nothing to try to stop her use - something bad WILL happen. If nothing changes nothing changes. She is sick right now, you must be hard and firm and keep pushing her toward recovery. Your gut is telling you the right way to go. If you do not take a stand you are going to lose your daughter to meth. You may anyway - but you have to be willing to fight to try to save her. I have been through the fight for a while myself. My difficult child has been through times when he has lied to me and hated me for getting in his way - but I have never backed off. If in the end I cannot help him find a happier life by setting firm limits and not accepting a life of use - I will be at peace knowing I did everything in my power that there was to do for him. There is a peace that come with that in this battle. In the meantime, there is a great book called "Beautiful Boy" - a true story of one man's fight to save his son from meth addiction - it will help you. Good luck.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Hi and welcome from another parent of a meth addict. Meth is an awful, awful and powerful drug. It is not that they get physically addicted - it is the mental cravings for it. They begin to not even feel "normal" unless they use. And it is sheer poison that they are pumping into themselves.

My daughter got hooked on it from a boyfriend when she started high school. We started seeing her get skinnier and looking like koi all the time. Sores on her face, bruises on her body, etc. They would use meth and then have these fighting matches. I saw a video once and it freaked me out. I threatened the boyfriend and got arrested for terroristic threats. (The judge heard the story and said he didn't blame me - he reduced it to disorderly conduct and gave me a fine).

She got expelled from high school for attempting to sell drugs. She was on probation. We begged for help and got none. difficult child refused rehab. We had her committed - twice. When we found a meth pipe in her room (directly across the hall from my younger son), we gave her the ultimatum of rehab or leave the home. She left and she was 17 at the time. (This is a summary but really, we tried everything and went through years of sheer torture).

She has couch surfed, been homeless, slept on bug infested porches, etc. She has lived a life of sheer hades for almost three years now. I will never understand how they choose that over rehab, but that is the power of addiction.

She finally relented and went to rehab late last year. We had hope for the first time! She had her color back, gained a TON of weight and was so pleasant again. We were so excited. And then right before she would have had 30 days, she left and relapsed.

She is now five and a half months pregnant with my grandson. She was arrested for battery against her baby's father - that is when I jumped on it and enlisted the court's help to force her to get help. She went to pre-trial services, they popped her with a drug test and she failed. They then put her back in jail and Tuesday was 5 weeks. It hoovers that it has to be this way. But she now has over 35 days clean! Her attitude is changing and I am hopeful this will finally be a turning point for her!! She is starting to think about her son and her future. The doctor at the jail told her she gained too much weight this past month but we all know that is from not using. I have a meeting tomorrow with the court to go over treatment options for her. I am praying we can continue in the right direction!

What I have learned over the years and want to pass on to you is this - YOU didn't DO this. Drug addicts come from ALL areas of life. Doctors, lawyers, perfect parents - they have all been parents of addicts. We didn't do a thing to bring this on. You didn't CAUSE this, you CANNOT cure this and you CANNOT control this. If only we had that magic wand...we would all be fighting over it!

What you need to do is support positive steps she makes and STOP enabling the bad. Do NOT help her be a drug addict. We do in many ways we do not even realize. Do NOT prevent her from hitting bottom - it will just take longer for her to get there and sometimes they have to hit bottom. That one was a hard one to wrap my brain around. It is engrained in us to comfort, smoothe and protect our children. Detaching is so against everything we feel. But it is what must be done.

Having an intervention is a great idea!!!

So many, many HUGS from me. I wish I could write more, but I have to get back to work. Your post tugged at me because I was exactly where you are. I remember that fear, the terror, the sadness... I know you cannot even possibly imagine doing so, but try to do something for you... you have to be well to fight this with her when she is ready to fight for herself...

 

[kennedyland]

First of all, you are not alone. Second, take care of yourself. Third, intervention is an excellent path to explore. If this has any chance of working, you need to have everyone on the same page. Throwing blame around, "bad mom", "bad dad", "you should have done x,y,z" "etc." it's a waste of time at this point. Let all of that go. Agree as a group/family to be tough, strong, and to take the risk that it may not work out. The one chance for anything to work out is to take the risk of standing up to this awful situation. She will lie to you, she will call you names, she will try to make deals with you, she will blame you for all of it, she will do whatever she can to get around this situation. Don't buy any of it. We can create the possibilities of recovery, but we can't fix them. The only person who can fix this situation is your daughter. You can send her to treatment program after treatment program, but if she doesn't buy into it, it's a waste of time and money. The hunger to end this must come from her. I know that's painful to hear, but it's how all of this works. Yes, she should go to rehab, but if she doesn't want to, there is no point in sending her. This will be, and clearly is, a major battle, but we'll back you up.

 

[Prayfort23]

Update. We did the intervention, she went willingly. She is in now 3 days. Doing well. Still praying.
The stuff I'm finding out through her phone is crazy. I just want her to get better

 

[PatriotsGirl]

That is pretty amazing that she went willingly!! We have been fighting ours for years now... :-(

 

[BusynMember]

Big hugs and lots and lots of good karma in your direction.

My daughter used meth and boy was she skinny when she did! She did quit!!!! Now she is actually chubby and it's so good to see her looking chubby! I so hope your daughter will take the same path. It can happen!

 

[Prayfort23]

Another update: Day 6 she decided she wanted to move to San Francisco and go to art school...?? then she wanted to get her license renewed in Santa Barbara... i'm like, what is going on?? I called the rehab asking them why she is allowed to go on the computer after a week. They said they thought she was applying for school locally, not all the way up in San Francisco. Then they must have talked to her because an hour later, her father called me saying that she was leaving. We raced up there before she walked out the door, and we begged her to stay. Her father cried and she hung on to him for dear life. She agreed to stay, and we were relieved.

She just got her 30 day chip on Friday and I am so proud of her. She looks great, sounds great and has even thanked me for the "gift" I gave her by putting her where she is. She says she has never had a group of friends that are actually happy that she is around, and are all rooting for eachother. I am happy for her. Sunday she moved to the 2nd phase of the rehab which is sober living. Ironically, it's at the apartments that we moved to when we first moved to California. Like she says "we started here, and now i'm starting over here". She is really excited to be living with 5 other girls in an apartment with a beautiful pool and grounds. She comes home and eats dinner, she has some freedom now. She broke up with the boyfriend who finally went to rehab (not to far from hers). She told me that she does not think he is done as he has told her that after his 30 days he's not going to counseling because he thinks he can finish on his own. She is honest and told me that she can't be with him because in her mind, he is drugs to her and she needs to be away from that.

I am happy that she finally realizes what is going on. It's still a long road ahead I know. I'm hoping this is the only time she has to do this, but i'm still cautious. She loves the place. She is staying for the entire 90 days..and even wants to be a house manager and sponsor others. Please God help her to do this. I am still very scared, but happy for her that this is happening.

She told me she does not want to move back to our neighborhood as it reminds her of using, and the kid that lives next door was using as well. I feel sad because I didn't wnat her to move out like this.. I pictured us looking for apartments together, and buying her decorations etc.. not that one day she is gone and moved. I guess to think of what it could have been, her being gone permanently I'll take this.

Her father and I are also attending the family therapy that the rehab provides and decided to put all of our fights in the past and focus on what matters, her. She is 20 and an adult and she needs us.

Please keep us in your prayers!
xo

 

[Kathy813]

Hello and welcome!

I loved reading your update! It sounds like your daughter really wants a clean and sober life. It is awesome that she realizes she is where she needs to be and wants to build a new sober life there.

Our interventionist and the therapists at our daughter's rehab told us that the best chance of success of staying sober is if you stay where you got sober for at least a year. They said if you could do that you would be ready to move anywhere and stay sober.

Please keep posting and letting us know how your difficult child is doing. We are all rooting for her (and you).

~Kathy

 

[BusynMember]

You're in my prayers for sure.

Meth is very hard to kick. VERY hard. If she allows you to, be her buddy and watch her all you can. She can do it. But it's very hard. I could tell when my daughter quit the meth because the weight came on again (besides her behavior changing for the mucho better). But, man, we know we dodged a scary bullet there. I really had no idea at the time that meth was any harder to kick than other drugs. Stupid? I think so. (Stupid me, that is).

Keep us posted. We care. (((Hugs!)))

 

[Prayfort23]

Kathy,

You interventionist said that if she stays in the place she got sober for a year, she will have a better chance? Meaning if my daughter stays at sober living for a year? She is trying to stay as long as they let her. She will be there for sure until August 30th. She would like to become a house manager, which means she would start drug testing others etc. Hopefully they will let her stay. The rehab she is in is great, and they don't worry much about the money just getting them better. Thanks for the well wishes I wish your daughter well too.

 

[Prayfort23]

Meth is horrible, and like you I didn't think it was as bad as it is. Now looking back she was a skeleton, and I didn't see how bad that is until i'm looking at her now with all her weight back on. I believe if I didn't do what I did by putting her in rehab she would have been dead. I saw some pics on her phone of her in her underwear, and it's heartbreaking, she looked like one of those girls on Dr. Phil that are 80 lbs... well actually she weighed in at 80 lbs and she is 5'5.. She wore big clothes, but I don't think her body could have taken much more. She has since gained 35 lbs. Meth is the scariest drug ever, and since she has been in rehab i've learned alot about it and even found out alot of people who actually kicked it. Some in my circle of friends that I would never suspected. They have given me hope, that she can live a productive life. I'm glad your daughter kicked it. wheww..

 

[Prayfort23]

Thank you so much. How is your daughter now? I'm so sorry that you are going through this as well, it's so hard as a parent to see your child going through this. Why do they want to do this to themselves?? Did your daughter go to rehab after jail, or is she still in jail? I hate drugs...

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry things are so hard. It is incredibly difficult to deal with an addicted loved one. One of the hardest parts is realizing that YOU are sick and need help just as much as your loved one does. Addiction is a truly bizarre disease that infects everyone in the addict's life, not just the addict. I urge you to go to NAfamily meetings and/or alanon family meetings. Generally an addict will also drink in addition to using, and in many towns (at least in my area) there are not as many NA family meetings as there are alanon meetings, so alanon becomes the place for families of all types of addiction not just for those addicted to alcohol.

You mentioned thinking you are a bad parent and blaming yourself. I have a quick and easy test to show if you are a bad parent. First, did you wake up and think about how best to ruin your child's lfie at any point? Second, did you do the best you could, and when you learned better or became able to provide better, you did and/or provided better at least as much as you were capable of?

If you answered No to the first question and yes to the second, or even most of the time to the second, then you are a good if notgreat parent. I have seen bad parenting. Bad parents do NOT try to improve, and they do NOT worry about whether they are good parents. They don't care. YOU DO. It is clear that you care,and care deeply about your daughter. You are FAR from being a bad parent.

You were not to blame when your daughter came home with a cold,or strep, or any other infection. Not even if she got head lice. You are not to blame for her addiction. That is stinkin' thinkin' and will trap you in codependent and enabling behaviors. You want to get help for her and for you so that you can change those things, but they do NOT mean you are a bad parent. They mean this illness has crept into your thoughts and behaviors and you need treatment also.

When your daughter was in school, if there was something you could do to help her raise a grade from a C (70%) or D (60%) to an A (100%) or B (90%), would you have done it? I bet that answer is yes. Did you know that if the family gets help, includingindividual therapy and regularly going to alanon or NAfamily meetings, it raises the odds that the addict will get and stay clean by 30%. So go to get the help that you and she both need, and follow what you learn as you get that help. It canmake a HUGe difference. I have a sibling who is an addict and having the family get help makes a big difference in every family I am aware of.

I don't care what a man who gave a few min to create her and then never had time for her says about your parenting. Where was he when she was sick, had homework, played a sport, performed in a play or with the band, worked on a project, was grumpy or dealing with PMS or otherwise just being a difficult teen? Until he has been there through the tough times as well as the good ones, he has ZERO right to say a single word about your parenting. If he thought you were a bad parent, why didn't he try to get custody? Clearly you could not have been that bad,or he would have, wouldn't he? Ignore him if he isn't helpful.

 

[BusynMember]

My daughter as far as I know kicked all drugs herself. She is EXTREMELY STRONG WILLED!!!!!! If she wants to do something, she does it. She never did go to any rehabs and was on probation a few times for pot, but never ended up in jail. Part of that is because she actually quit around age nineteen so she was on her wild ride from about 12 (yes, 12) until she moved out of our town at nineteen and met her boyfriend. She is chubby now. Wow, I love seeing her chubby!!!! She was an absolute skeleton when she used and I was positive she would be dead soon. I so hope your daughter can do this. I know how good it feels to see them with meat on their bones!!!!!! Keep us all posted, please!

 

[Prayfort23]

WOW.... I'm crushed right now. ...
My daughter has been doing awesome in sober living. I was so excited.
She went to a pool party with us this weekend and talked to my husband, her stepdad, for a long time. He just now told me that she told him that she has been doing heroin in and off for TWO YEARS!
Also that she kicked the habit and that her drug dealer who is OUR AGE, who hangs out at the same place we do. (Very small town) was having her drive him around while he had a huge sack of meth giving it out to kids to sell, all the while feeding it to her and her boyfriend.....
In my car...
And I'm sure that I probably know who he is because this town is so small and if we hang at the same place? She gave my husband a first name but said she's not even sure it's real.... I'm LIVID. I don't know what to do. I again am looking at everyone..
What should I do? I want to ask her why?? But since she is in sober living and doing great my husband told me to leave it alone.
I feel like I don't even know her?? I just want to run away... I'm scared all over again...

 

[Prayfort23]

90 day update!
She made it!! 90 days!! She has decided to stay in sober living as long as possible as she has a great group of friends there.
She actually got a job at the rehab being a tech because she is doing so great.
She is also called back to the rehab whenever someone is threatening to leave or is having a bad day. She's also called to pick up clients who need to go to court.
She now wants to become a drug and alcohol counselor and her rehab is going to help her get her CADC!!
I'm really proud of her and I PRAY that this was her wake up call and helping others is her calling...
Her ex boyfriend has been arrested 3x for feline drug possession and is now back in rehab... That would have been her.
Yesterday she went to the spot her friend died and put a note and her 60 day chip there in remembrance and a promise to stay sober...
I keep praying for her that this was for a better reason..

 

[alongfortheride]

Your update does my heart good. So glad to hear of her success.

 

[Prayfort23]

I don't know what to do... I need advice. My daughter who was doing awesome, left sober living last Friday.. She did not want to move into my house for the fact that she thinks its a sad place because of her past use. She moved in with her girlfriend and mom about 5 min away.
We painted her room last Friday and we got all her stuff in there.
She's been borrowing my car this week to go to meetings. I've been feeling pretty weird about things pertaining to her... I had a hunch she wasn't telling me the truth..
Today I text her and she didn't respond... Red flag.. Kept calling, nothing. Finally she said she would be right here..... She didn't come in, only told me to come outside...
I get in the car to drive her back to her house and I ask her what's wrong..she tells me "nothing I just had a bad day, I don't want to talk about it because you will freak out"
So I start freaking out.... I drop her off she tells me she loves me and I leave..
I pull up in my driveway and I am over one with bad feelings... So I drive back to her house to talk... Turn down the street and she's walking... It's 9:00 at night...
I pull over and ask what she's doing. She says "did you come to do a 12 step on me??" She gets in car and I ask her wth is happening... Where is she going...
She tells me she was going to del taco, so I take her there..
She tells me she was hanging out with her ex who is actively using..they got in a fight at her house and the friends mom heard unbeknownst to her... When I dropped her off there she heard a bunch of people outside in back talking about drugs and she heard the mom say she doesn't want her there if she's using....
So instead of getting intervened she left...
I'm freaking out in my head..
She's crying to me saying she feels like everyone is putting her on a pedestal and looking at her expecting her not to screw up... So feels so much pressure to be perfect..
She said she hasn't used but wants to and her dirtbag ex told her that he won't be the first to use with her but when she does it he'll hang out with her...?????????
I sat with her in the car for 3 hours talking to her trying to see that she had come do far, why go in this slippery slope??
She says she pry got kicked out of her friends house and Does not want to stay there..
She says she never wanted this yo happen and she looks at other people her age and they are not going thru what she is..
I told her she has to slay her demons..
She's home sleeping right now..
I'm back to horrified.. I'm sleeping on the couch again... What do I do??
She was all into 12 step and even had sponsorees. Now she's saying its all bs......
What do I do????