I'm so lost

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Olligator, Dec 27, 2012.

  1. Olligator

    Olligator New Member

    Yesterday my husband of 14 years told me he wants a divorce. Totally blindsided me. I'm a mess. Doesn't even want to try counseling. I am so scared for difficult child and easy child. difficult child has been doing a little better, but this will devistate him. How do you tell kids? Especially a difficult child? Any words of wisdom? husband seems to think the kids will be just fine. difficult child sees a psychiatrist every 6 weeks for medications but no other therapist at this time because if financial reasons.
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Im so sorry to hear this. I dont have a whole lot of sage advice on this subject because when I got divorced my son was only a year old and he didnt know a thing about it.

    I think the best thing you can do is to reassure your kids that you love them, that their dad loves them and none of this is their fault. That everything will be okay and you all will get through things just fine even if you dont feel like it right now.
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending my sympathies your way. If husband won't talk about it then you really don't have much choice but to go with the flow. Do make sure that you have legal/financial protection for YOUR interests and the children. In my experience the "friendly" divorces often lead wives to believe that their husband's will make sure the family is well taken care of...but, alas, I have seen many very good men turn into self serving people pdq particularly if they find new female companionship. I am not trying to depress you. Honestly, I'm not. on the other hand my Ex turned into a non participatory or caring Dad in less than a year after we separated. It happens.

    Regarding the children Janet wrapped that up in her post. They need to be out of the stress as much as humanly possible. They need to believe that their Mom and Dad both love them very much. Maintaining "sameness" is the goal. Best of luck. It is not an easy road even when both adults are nice. Hugs DDD
  4. Olligator

    Olligator New Member

    Thank you for the advice. He does want me to trust him on everything, especially the financial stuff. He seems to want this to be very amicable but if I didn't see this coming, how can I trust him? I am so afraid.
  5. Hopeless

    Hopeless ....Hopeful Now

    Sorry for this but do get yourself an attorney so that you and the kids are financially taken care of. Hugs
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Don't trust him. Protect yourself and your kids. Find a good divorce lawyer and hire him to protect your interests.

    Friendly divorces can happen. But even within a so called friendly divorce there are heated moments in which it's best to have a lawyer.

    I'm so sorry this dropped into your lap. I'd be honest with the kids but assure them that this is between you and husband, it has nothing to do with them personally.

  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Money does funny things to people. Dont think 'you know' him and all will be well. Sorry to hear this turn of events.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Get your own lawyer. You don't have to fight with him, but don't trust him either. There's a reason he wants a divorce. My guess is maybe some other woman. You get what you AND the kids deserve. You have VERY young kids. You'll want child support and I'd try to get physical custody. My son hurried his divorce decree to be nice to his cheating ex and he is very sorry.
    Take care of yourself and your kids and don't let him talk you into sharing a lawyer or writing it up together. Let your lawyer and the judge decide how much he owes you. It will probably be more than he wants to pay. I believe you also get half of all your assets (and his).
  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Go Ronald Reagan on him. "Trust but verify". You can tell him that you want to "trust and do it right". If he's so trusting of you, the only lawyer you need is yours.

    Honestly, in this day and age with kids who need special care, there's no way that the average mom or dad could figure out a divorce. You'd be a fool to do one without a lawyer.
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so very sorry, you must be in so much pain to have been blindsided like that. You're in shock and likely have a lot of feelings all over the place, it would be very difficult to make good choices now which will protect you and the children. I hope you have good close girlfriends whom you can talk to, cry to, vent to and who will nurture and take care of you. A counselor may help too. I agree with everyone to get an attorney. You need legal advice to determine your rights with little kids. I don't know where you live but child support and spousal support are all calculated in with all your assets and without someone to guide you through giving you advice on what is legally your right, you will likely not get a fair deal. Of course, there are 'nice guys' who will always take care of their children and their children's mom, and he may be one of those guys, I don't know, but as someone mentioned, if there is another woman involved, those nice guy traits could go right out the window. Protect yourself. You can go to an attorney for a consultation with a list of questions to ask without having to retain the attorney. You are in an emotional place where it's difficult to think clearly, however, get sound advice during this time, don't sign anything, don't agree to anything until you have someone in your corner whom you trust who will let you know what your rights are.

    I know you're hurting right now, and it's hard to think about the future, but there will be a future, you will get through this, you will cry and have your feelings, be afraid of the unknown, be sad, be angry........... but at some point, you will gather your resources, find your way through and a new life will emerge which you may surprise yourself and realize you like it way better. Just to give you a moment of reflection in your present chaos, years ago, my husband left me suddenly when I decided to bring my granddaughter to live with us. I was devastated as you are right now. I cried a lot. I also now had a young child to raise and help, alone. It was hard. But I worked through it all. I am presently engaged to a man who is my perfect partner...........the life I have now can't be compared to the life I had before, this one is so much richer, way more fun, easier, nourishing in all ways and he loves my granddaughter, they are like two peas in a pod. You don't know what the future will bring. Take this one step at a time, be smart, ..........protect yourself, be honest with your children, keep life as stable for them as you can, kids are very resilient as long as you are honest and loving............this is a big bump, for sure, but you will get through it and you will be okay..........your heart will mend...............sending you big hugs.......take good care of yourself now........
  11. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I am so sorry for your pain. I do not know why men refuse to go to coulseling but many do. He seems to have made up his mind without ever taking the time to talk to you about being unhappy. You need time to digest this. He has obviously been thinking about it for a while but it is all new to you. Do not make any decisions while you are in this state. Get your own lawyer. What ever you do, do not use the same attorney and do not agree to anything without running it by your own lawyer first. FWIW, My friend told me that the best advice she got when her husband asked for a divorce was 1) to let the judge decide what the ex could afford to pay in alimony and child support. and 2) buy a new wardrobe for the kids and self before the divorce. And 3) make sure her car was in good working order with decent tires before filing any paperwork. -RM
  12. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Definitely get your own attorney, as the others have said. Don't trust that he'll continue to be nice and fair to you when money is involved.

    Hugs. I know, it isn't easy.
  13. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    No new advice but wanted to add in supportive hugs and prayers.
  14. Olligator

    Olligator New Member

    Thank you for all of the advice. I will definitely get my own lawyer. The big problem is I've been a stay at home mom caring for the kids that I have absolutely no income of my own. He has handled all of the finances since we've been married. He is pushing me to get a job right now, but I'm not sure if that will hurt me in the long run when it comes to alimony. Besides anything I make would have to go to child care, and the kids will have enough change to deal with that too.
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Get a lawyer first. My son has to pay all childcare costs for his son...I'd make your husband responsible for that. He's the one whose leaving. Let him pay. The fact that you were a stay-at-home will work in your favor, which is why he wants you to get a job. Stay-at-homes get more child support (or so my son's lawyer told him). Don't do anything your husband tells you to do. He may look amicable, but he's thinking about himself. You need to think about yourself. Make him pay every dime you are owed. Don't take up any of his suggestions. They are self-suiting. Abrupt pleas for divorce are often because of some other honey in the background. Don't give into any of his wishes. Tell him you aren't doing anything until you get your own attorney.
  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Please do not get a job now. Please do not put the children in daycare now. Please don't do anything except find the best divorce attorney in your town...if he hasn't already gotten the best one. I not only got divorced (with a shared attorney..dumb!) but I have lived longer than everyone else on the Board and the "nicest" wives/Moms that I have known have ended up with big problems down the road. It's great to maintain a pleasant relationship if possible for the sake of the kids but...he is the one who wants this radical quick change in lifestyle and that is not in your best interests. Get thee to an attorney...pronto...and do not discuss your choice with your former husband. It has to be approached like a pleasant, civilized war. You, and only you, can protect the future you and your children deserve.
    Trust us on this. When I was thirty I knew a truly lovely, educated lady who was blindsided by her husband of forty years or more. He had sold everything they owned before telling her they were separating. By the time they got to court his only provable asset was their lovely long time home. The Court had them sell the home and split the money but he had mortgaged it to the hilt with-o her knowledge. She ended up in her 60's living in a one bedroom apartment.Terrible things can happen if you don't get into warrior mode. Very sad but very very truel. Vent here as often as it helps you. We're a nice support system with alot of collective life wisdom. Hugs DDD
  17. Olligator

    Olligator New Member

    I kind of thought getting a job would hurt me. I just wish I knew why he wants this. His attitude toward the kids is cavalier -- he honestly thinks they will be just fine. This is going to hurt them deeply. Thanks for letting me vent. My famiy is hours away and I'm kind of alone here. Of course his family is here. I'm terrified of losing the house. I dont know where we'd go. I keep wondering if maybe this is just a phase with him, but then how could I trust him? I also think the timing was particularly cruel-- the day after Christmas. He let me go through this big holiday event and family visit and huge dinner. It's like it was all a big joke to him. Fortunately he is out of town now, but tomorrow I'll go visit my sister for a few days. He has no plans on going leaving the house right now. Sorry for the long vent. I suspect you'll be hearing a lot from me.
  18. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this. My daughter and her three year old son have been right in the middle of exactly the same situation since last spring. Right after their eighth anniversary, right out of the blue, he told her that he didn't want to be married any more and wanted a divorce and refused to go to any kind of counseling! Said it wouldn't do any good. There was no sign of this at all and she thought everything was fine so she was just stunned!

    I won't say that they've found the perfect solution because they seem to be stalled halfway through the divorce. But from watching what my daughter is going through, my best advise to you is DO NOT TRUST HIM, especially where money is concerned! If he hid all this from you for that long, who knows what else he might not be telling you! Open your own bank account that he has no access to. Get your own attorney (that HE will end up paying for!) and get something down on paper about temporary support ASAP. Until you have an order signed by a judge, he can legally get away with paying you nothing and if things get tough, that could be exactly what he does. My sister in law decided to quit the job he had before he found another one and went for three months without paying the child support that he had promised to pay but since they had nothing legal in writing, there is nothing she can do to get that money now. He is not your concern now and you should be taking every possible step to protect yourself and your children. If you do decide to go back to work, there is usually subsidized day care available that will be a big help. DO NOT worry about hurting his feelings and DO NOT trust him on anything concerning money. Find a good lawyer who will look out for your best interests and file the properwork to get you LEGALLY seperated with court ordered support that can be enforced.

    I know how hurt you must be and what a shock this had to have been. But trust me on this one ... sooner or later you will stop feeling hurt and start getting MAD, and then you will know that you've turned that corner! Best of luck and many hugs to you, dear.
  19. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good morning Olligator. I hope you are feeling better today. I am no legal authority, however, as a Stay at home Mom with 2 small children, it seems that the wise choice would be not to make any job choice until you consult with an attorney. The fact that your husband is pushing for you to get a job doesn't feel right. If he has taken care of all the finances, you may be completely in the dark as to what you not only have in terms of assets, but what exactly you are entitled to and he may use your lack of knowledge for his own gain. With an attorney, they can find out all of that info and it all goes on the table and then your attorney negotiates for you, knowing all the facts. If you get a job now, that will be a factor in the determination of spousal support. You can also get what I believe is called temporary spousal support which will give you the opportunity, if you want it, to get used to all of this, prepare your kids, etc. and get a job, say a year or two down the line when everything settles down. But, you will get to choose that if you decide that's what you want. Your children are very young, I believe you are entitled to child support and spousal support until they are 18 or even 21. There's schooling, college, insurance, medical,........ an attorney can look down the road into the future to figure out what the kids needs will be and negotiate for you and the kids much much better then you can.

    This is not sounding healthy to me, he blindsides you with this severe change in your life and then pushes you into getting a job..................please, ask around and find a good attorney to give you advice. I have a feeling that he has done all his homework, he's had time to figure it all out, you haven't. You need time to absorb all of this, you're in shock. You not retaining an attorney, you getting a job and you being in the dark are all advantages to him and my guess is he is fully aware of that. He will now have to support two households, the law in most cases will protect you and the children and the amount of money he will have to offer you is likely substantially more then he would like. He will also have to pay for an attorney as well, since you don't have a job. It's difficult to believe that a man who just decides to leave a marriage would be asking you to get a job immediately if he were really looking out for the well being of you and the children. It all sounds to me as if he has a plan and that plan depends on you being in the dark and playing it out the way he designs it. Just because you don't have a job does not mean you have no power, you do. Do not allow him to direct you through this, take your power, get clear legal advice as to what your options are before you do anything. Geez, I am so sorry. You need someone to help you through this legal stuff. If you have any friends who've been through a divorce, contact them and ask about attorneys, it's always good to get a referral from someone you trust. Hang in there Olligator, you just need to get the facts, find a good attorney and take care of yourself and the children................all the pieces will fall into place as you walk through it. Follow your gut on this, don't let him push you into anything. This is the start of the beginning of the rest of your life..............I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it is............stay strong...........big hugs for you..........
  20. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Recoveringenabler is right. In most places, there is a formula used to figure the amount of child support paid depending on the incomes of both parties. So if you are working too, the amount of child support he has to pay will be much less. And if you are working, you may end up getting no spousal support at all. He has had time to think all of this through, figure all the angles, and you haven't. And once the decision to divorce has been made, living in the same house will become very uncomfortable. Sooner or later he will be getting his own place and have all the added expense of two households and you can just bet that his own bills will become a priority and yours will come in second. And where does he get the idea that the children won't be affected? My grandson is only three and he knows that something is very different now, even though he sees his daddy often and they still take him places together all the time. He doesn't understand why daddy has his own house now and doesn't sleep there anymore and he still cries every time he has to say goodbye. At his age he doesn't understand divorce but he does know that things with his parents have changed drastically and not for the better.