Hi step -
First of all - Welcome to the family. (((((huge hugs)))))) And as with any family - you can see we all have our own opinions, and thoughts, thought processes. While it can be a little eye brow raising to a newbie? I assure you everyone here has something of major value to contribue as far as life experience, being in the trenches, and coming out hopefully on the other side - about 1/2 sane. (lets not shoot for normal here - cause I haven't seen THAT in years)
Your post said "I'm so stressed I feel sick." I don't think there is ANYONE here that can't relate to that, hasn't been through that in some way shape or form, and with a lot of parents here? You just pray for the day someone tells you "OKAY YOU- with the crazy hair, vacant expression, and blinking eyes - GET OUT OF THE TEA CUP - the Mad hatters ride is officially O...V...E..R..) but the sad reality of life is - Stress is going to come at us never ending. HOW we deal with that stress, those situations and process our feelings? ABSOLUTELY dictate how we move forward - and not stagnate in our lives OR for that matter be an example to our children that say (in a whiney voice) "OHhhh I'm falling apart, look what you are doing to me, I (drops to floor with arm bend over forehead) think I am having a heart attack from the things you do to me (peeks through another eye - OMG do you even care that an ambulance has to come get me (rolls around on floor clutching heart, gasping) and when you open the other eye - in this psuedo reality? YOUR son, MY son - HER daughter, his step daughter? Have been gone from the drama of YOUR reaction for ohhhh ummmm say 15 seconds after you first opened your mouth if not sooner. (see them inserting Ibuds, turning up volume on the Iphone YOU pay for, rolling eyes, haughityly stomping out of "YOUR HOUSE" while slamming YOUR door" and all of this was in an effort to get them to care () <------yup that much. But do they??? Nooooooope.
And why? Well first of all - YOU need to take a self evaluation of YOURSELF. (and you are like ME? WTF did I do?) iT'S him/HER - THAT'S THE BOZO HERE. And while that statement is VERY TRUE......it seems that children mimic what they have seen, see or believe WILL get them THE.MOST. BANG. FOR. THEIR. BUCK. And ----dare I say - at his age? The good ship Mommytot - has sailed. I don't know what age my difficult child developed his own thinking mind - (thinks back - about 7 months old??? ---yeah I've had this a long time, cause he's 22) and I did EVERYTHING under the sun - to help him, to CHANGE him - or rather to FACILITATE change in himself. I begged, I cried, I had Residential Treatment Center (RTC), psychiatric hospitals, TOUGH love - hell I'm so well read that I bought a book shelf and DONATED the hundreds of books I had (plus board donations) to the State for underprivledged parents. Named the dang thing after my kid. Did the psychiatrists, the Tdocs the 65 medications, the group homes, the foster respites, the foster family help? hhhhhhmmmmmm yes and no.
So WHAT is the magic key? (shrugs) Each child is different - and in THAT? I want you to know that like others have said - YOU did the best you could with what you knew and UNTIL you are able to accept THAT statement in your life - YOU WILL NEVER STOP - trying to FIX him, and never stop ENABLING him...and NEVER stop STRESSING YOURSELF OUT. Because after all ------this thread isn't about YOUR SON - it's about YOU - you said I AM SO STRESSED I FEEL SICK.....to me? That's a cry for help. A very good cry, a very good - reach out .......BRAVO BRAVE ONE - you're on the right path.
Does that mean that what your kid does won't sicken you? Noooooooooope (pops the p with her mouth answering that)
Does that mean that your kid will see YOUR example and think - OMG OMG I need to be on the right path? hmmmmmmm eventually we hope. (there is always HOPE - ALWAYS)
Does that mean that your kid will hit the skids and cause you MORE heartache? ....AND THERE is the rub. Thats a question that YOU have to answer and figure out NOW before -------you end up like I did. Lemme see - I had a stroke, I gained 160 lbs, my hair fell out, I got diagnosis with a posisble brain tumor TWICE because of the reactions of stress, I ended up in the hospital 2x because of anti depressants that weren't right - and in the mean time? While my son was looking at 30 years to life - at 15 years old? I lost my job......DF had to have multiple surgeries.....I mean - (meah ) that's life...but I handled it ALL ON MY ATLAS sized shoulders and fell.
What helped me most in detaching or the ART of war - as it's called in our home.......was LEARNING HOW - to do a few things that take time - ACCEPT my faults (so few, so few) snort. Accept that I can't change my son - but I CAN move forward without guilt...(very hard Moms are pre programmed for guilt) Learning to stop saying the words "I SHOULD HAVE" and accepting that WHAT I DID at that TIME was THE BEST I could do for my son, and myself and HAD I KNOWN BETTER? I would have done it differently - and not being angry at myself for NOT knowing differently. (acceptance) and that takes hard work, soul searching, and time - lots of time. Good news is - you are fixable.....I know this not because I'm a psychic - but because you are here - looking for help. REACHING OUT. ASKING - "THIS IS NOT WORKING (shoulda woulda coulda) NOW WHAT DO I DO?? (accepting that you can't fix everything) ----and getting HELP. NOW how to get that help?
Well I HIGHLY recommend therapy. FIND a therapist you enjoy talking to - it's not going to be a comfortable thing at first. But make sure you are on the same page as far as family values. My therapist was a guy that used to doctor the prisioners within the prisons, and had faith but didn't plunge it down my throat. My ex was a sociopath/psychopath with Bipolar, alcholism, had drug problems and was over sexed. He was abusive, torturous and a 13 year marriage took 15 years in therapy to overcome. BUT while I was in therapy - I learned that I had issues from my childhood even though I had a great childhood. I was adopted and didn't even know that caused anger. Made me make poor choices.....weird huh? (and now I'm all well adjuseted - sticks tongue out turns head sideways and crosses eyes) yup adjusted, not normal. (sticks tongue out again- kinda to the right of the corner of my mouth like a crazy person would do - and GAWDE if you could see my hair - Einstein would be jealous this morning. NO NO Go away with your white coat foul hethan) Oh it was just my fiance with a sweater.
So.....first things first - TAKING CARE OF BUSNIESS (or bineszz) say it however you like......is UP TO YOU. Because see NO ONE can take car of you...but you. No one can help you BUT YOU......and no one can get YOU to see that......hey wait - Read that again....now apply it to your son. Hmmmmmmm interesting hypothesis. Not? And yup he's going to screw up, and get his lumps but if he doesn't get them now? They get a lot harder, and a lot more expensive as he gets older - and if you deny him his lumps? THEN knowing what you know now? THEN you can say "WOW did I mess that up=======you have been told." Mk? Mk.
DO NOT DENY THE BOY HIS LUMPS........help when he reaches out .......sincerely as you are now - but UNTIL THEN??????? LET lumpy get bumpy ........and Mom gets her life together and then kid M AY wonder - WTH happened to Mom? She doesn't cry like a little girl when I say "IF YOU DON't X I'm going to....z" -------
and be warned - it' gets worse before it gets better - they REALLY reach into their bag of tricks when YOU start to change. UGH - I pass you my super uber thick - RHINO SKIN suit....you're gonna need it. But it will be worth it - give or take a few years. THAT depends on your kid and how much he likes lumps.
HUGS & Love -(lumps removed to protect the nearly innocent)
Star