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I'm so tired of being embarrassed
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 555093" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>(((((hugs))))) it can be so hard to handle the embarrassment, sometimes as bad as handling the other stuff.</p><p></p><p>What would embarrass him if you did it? Would that be a way to get through to him? It works on some kids, not on others. </p><p></p><p>We had a friend who's teenage son said some really out of line things at his grandmother's during a family dinner. Parents, esp the dad (it was the dad's mom's house), were mortified. A few days later they were at Walmart and the son saw a girl he liked. Dad walked up to him, put his arm around him so he couldn't get away (should have been the kid's first warning!), and asked if he had found the Superman underroos he was looking for (remember those - underwear for kids that looked like costumes?). Dad has a naturally booming voice and he did NOT keep his voice down at all. The kid was mortified and not happy, and the girl thought it was hilarious.</p><p></p><p>Dad then, in a whisper, asked him if it was fun to be embarrassed? Flat out told him it was the consequence of his behavior at Gma's. The kid never again acted up at his grandparents.</p><p></p><p>People used to tell husband and I that it was 'abusive', but we told Wiz that if he embarrassed us when at our workplaces or in front of our peers then we would go to school and sing Barney songs over the loudspeaker dedicated to him. His jr high LOVED it. The office ladies and principal said they would be happy to let us do that. He was SOOO well behaved during jr high, in public at least. I don't think it was abusive at all. Esp given the things he liked to do to make people uncomfortable. He actually would PLAN ways to embarrass us. We know because we found notes about the plans in his room before he did them - and he did carry out the plans until we made sure he knew we would return the favor. </p><p></p><p>My kids know they may be creative and smart, but I have a LOT more experience and am not as easily embarrassed as they are. Except for unplanned mistakes, they don't embarrass me in public if they can avoid it. </p><p></p><p>BUT if your difficult child cannot see that his actions were not appropriate, maybe some social stories would help? Simple stories that you create to help him learn the social rules that most people learn by osmosis can be very helpful. You can search amazon or google for some (I think one author is Carol Gray, but I could have the name wrong) and once you know what they are you can write your own fairly easily. We had to do a LOT of training on how to behave at parties, in stores, etc....</p><p></p><p>One thing we found was a HUGE factor in Wiz' behavior in social situations was hunger and the type of foods he ate in those situations. If he was hungry he had a much harder time remembering manners. If he mostly ate sugar then his behavior became atrocious because he lost impulse control and became grumpy when the sugar crash hit. I kept a supply of the Balance brand protein bars around or got a snack with protein for him as soon as I realized he was hungry. He often ate deli meat or chicken or a protein bar on the way to a party or friend's house because then he could have the soda or juice and cookies or whatever was offered/provided without suffering the aftereffects of hunger and/or too much sugar. </p><p></p><p>It may sound odd, but it really made a HUGE impact on his behavior. I got criticism from teachers, other parents, my father, etc... for 'spoiling' him by feeding him a burger on the way to a party or whatever, but I blew them off because it was just something that my son needed in order to be able to function with any semblance of appropriateness. </p><p></p><p>The Balance brand bars and Zone brand bars not only taste good to him (and the rest of us even ultra picky me!), they have a balance of 40% carbs, 30% protein and 30% fat. Many, if not most, of the 'nutrition' bars out there are basically cookies and have very little protein. We might as well have given the kids a big bowl of frosting as one of those low/no protein bars - it had a similar effect. The really high protein bars were much more expensive and didn't really make any difference than the Balance or Zone bars did. </p><p></p><p>Given that your difficult child is only 8, it would be worth trying the social stories and protein and working on any sensory issues to try to help him learn how to behave more appropriately. even when Wiz knew how to act and chose deliberately to embarrass us, making him go back to the stories and other things that taught good manners helped. He was abut 8 or 9 when I sat him down and made him watch Barney's Best Manners twice and discuss what the specific behaviors were that the show was teaching. He loathed Barney by then, but had 2 much younger siblings so it was still part of our lives and video collection. The specific manners issues were not a problem again for quite a while because he didn't want to have to sit through the video again if he had to pay attention to it. It also showed him that it wasn't just his mom who said these were good manners.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 555093, member: 1233"] (((((hugs))))) it can be so hard to handle the embarrassment, sometimes as bad as handling the other stuff. What would embarrass him if you did it? Would that be a way to get through to him? It works on some kids, not on others. We had a friend who's teenage son said some really out of line things at his grandmother's during a family dinner. Parents, esp the dad (it was the dad's mom's house), were mortified. A few days later they were at Walmart and the son saw a girl he liked. Dad walked up to him, put his arm around him so he couldn't get away (should have been the kid's first warning!), and asked if he had found the Superman underroos he was looking for (remember those - underwear for kids that looked like costumes?). Dad has a naturally booming voice and he did NOT keep his voice down at all. The kid was mortified and not happy, and the girl thought it was hilarious. Dad then, in a whisper, asked him if it was fun to be embarrassed? Flat out told him it was the consequence of his behavior at Gma's. The kid never again acted up at his grandparents. People used to tell husband and I that it was 'abusive', but we told Wiz that if he embarrassed us when at our workplaces or in front of our peers then we would go to school and sing Barney songs over the loudspeaker dedicated to him. His jr high LOVED it. The office ladies and principal said they would be happy to let us do that. He was SOOO well behaved during jr high, in public at least. I don't think it was abusive at all. Esp given the things he liked to do to make people uncomfortable. He actually would PLAN ways to embarrass us. We know because we found notes about the plans in his room before he did them - and he did carry out the plans until we made sure he knew we would return the favor. My kids know they may be creative and smart, but I have a LOT more experience and am not as easily embarrassed as they are. Except for unplanned mistakes, they don't embarrass me in public if they can avoid it. BUT if your difficult child cannot see that his actions were not appropriate, maybe some social stories would help? Simple stories that you create to help him learn the social rules that most people learn by osmosis can be very helpful. You can search amazon or google for some (I think one author is Carol Gray, but I could have the name wrong) and once you know what they are you can write your own fairly easily. We had to do a LOT of training on how to behave at parties, in stores, etc.... One thing we found was a HUGE factor in Wiz' behavior in social situations was hunger and the type of foods he ate in those situations. If he was hungry he had a much harder time remembering manners. If he mostly ate sugar then his behavior became atrocious because he lost impulse control and became grumpy when the sugar crash hit. I kept a supply of the Balance brand protein bars around or got a snack with protein for him as soon as I realized he was hungry. He often ate deli meat or chicken or a protein bar on the way to a party or friend's house because then he could have the soda or juice and cookies or whatever was offered/provided without suffering the aftereffects of hunger and/or too much sugar. It may sound odd, but it really made a HUGE impact on his behavior. I got criticism from teachers, other parents, my father, etc... for 'spoiling' him by feeding him a burger on the way to a party or whatever, but I blew them off because it was just something that my son needed in order to be able to function with any semblance of appropriateness. The Balance brand bars and Zone brand bars not only taste good to him (and the rest of us even ultra picky me!), they have a balance of 40% carbs, 30% protein and 30% fat. Many, if not most, of the 'nutrition' bars out there are basically cookies and have very little protein. We might as well have given the kids a big bowl of frosting as one of those low/no protein bars - it had a similar effect. The really high protein bars were much more expensive and didn't really make any difference than the Balance or Zone bars did. Given that your difficult child is only 8, it would be worth trying the social stories and protein and working on any sensory issues to try to help him learn how to behave more appropriately. even when Wiz knew how to act and chose deliberately to embarrass us, making him go back to the stories and other things that taught good manners helped. He was abut 8 or 9 when I sat him down and made him watch Barney's Best Manners twice and discuss what the specific behaviors were that the show was teaching. He loathed Barney by then, but had 2 much younger siblings so it was still part of our lives and video collection. The specific manners issues were not a problem again for quite a while because he didn't want to have to sit through the video again if he had to pay attention to it. It also showed him that it wasn't just his mom who said these were good manners. [/QUOTE]
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