I'm so tired of being lonely...feel like running away

[BusynMember]

Before the whine starts, remember I am borderline. I have come far, but I"m still borderline. So maybe this lonliness is part of that. I don't know. I'll continue.

What the hello do you do about intense lonliness? I am going to whine about myself...please close this window if this gets on your nerves.

I have no family. Mom dead, disowned me. Father 87, not at all interested in me or kids. Sister in Illinois (I'm closest to her, but she's far away and has her own family). Brother in NJ. Not real close. Scott is no l onger my son...he doesn't want to be. That leaves SportsFan, PastryChef, Jumper and Sonic.

SportsFan lives in Missouri. I can't see him more than once every two years for a few days. I can't afford it. He can't afford it. PastryChef...I'd like to live near her. Hub says we can't afford it. Jumper is so involved with her boyfriend J. that now his family is trying to make nice with him...and with her. It's sincere. Long story, but she may actually spend part of Thanksgiving with his family if I talk to them, which I believe they are willing to do. IT'S NOT FAIR! She is only fifteen and is already involved with an older boy who is serious about her. So she is pulling away, not completely, but I'm sure not ready to share her on holidays and I could make her stay home, but she wouldn't do it happily. So what's the point? Sonic will probably spend most of the time upstairs, like he always does. His autism makes him this way. Hub? Nice guy, but he doesn't understand how lonely I am. I want to get away from here and live closer to PastryChef and my sister. I don't want to be stuck four hours away from the two people I am closest to. Friends? I have only one close friend and she travels a lot because her hub retired early and she has her own family.

I HAVE A VERY SMALL FAMILY.

Hub doesn't see his sister much. He does not seem to need to be with people, like I do.

Tonight I feel sick and depressed. I want to run away. I am not sure where I want to run,b ut I want to run away from all of the people who will leave me in the end. I want to go somewhere far away from here. Everyone seems to do just fine without me. I've even thought about suicide, but that is not on the table. It's not going to happen. Just that it's in my thoughts make me think that I have to make some drastic changes.

I'm so tired of hearing about people who are living with their kids and grandkids (yes, that makes me jealous). I'm tired of hearing about people spending holidays with their extended family, of which I barely have anyone. I feel like I"m the one taking care of everyone else and nobody cares one wit about me. Although I can usually talk about m feelings, I am too depressed to do that right now. I get like this sometimes. This isn't the life I wanted for myself...alone, alone, alone.

Right now, I feel like grabbing my little dog and just going out for a ride. I can't take the lonliness. I can't sit here and feel it. And I don't know how to stop it. Worse, nobody cares about it.

I am maybe looking for some uplifting words. I wish I had met some of you, although I would have been sooooooooo shy and awkward. Probably none of you would have wanted to keep in touch with me, but maybe one of you would have. Maybe there is somebody else who feels like me and spends holidays basically alone and has no real family...and maybe we could have become friends. But if one is too shy to talk...one doesn't make many friends. I'm better on the phone and one on one than in a group anyway.

Now I"m rambling. Thanks for listening. Think I'm going to take a ride now.

Hugs,
Pam

 

[hearts and roses]

{{{Pam}}} I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I wish I were there taking a ride with you, with our little puppies' heads hanging out the window.

I know how you feel, I really do. The only two options I can see that may help you is to either plead your case, very seriously, to H about moving. Before doing so, investigate costs, job prospects, etc., so you're prepared for his questions and objections. You're right about H not needing the same human contact that you need-you fullfill those needs for him. My H is the same way.

The second option is to seek out supportive relationships with other women in real life. Maybe there's a book club at the public library. Maybe a cooking class, or crocheting/knitting, gardening, painting, ceramics, sculpture, etc. You said you're shy, but taking a class doesn't require a lot of social interaction unless you want it to. And these classes are usually inexpensive through your local rec dept.

Big hugs, I'm thinking of you.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Pam, I understand. I really, really do. The only thing that keeps me occupied is my job. My husband travels - he is gone all week this week. difficult child hasn't lived here in quite a while and I rarely even hear from her these days anyway. My son spends the majority if time in his man cave upstairs. ALL of my family is in Massachusetts and I have just one good friend down here. So, it is me and my little dog most of the time. If it wasn't for my work, I don't know what I would do.

Could you volunteer somewhere? I think I am going to do that over the holidays. I don't think our trip home is going to work out - can't see spending so much money for a long weekend. Staying here is just going to be depressing. I think if I could help someone else, it might fill that hole in my heart.

So I am going to grab my little dog and come with you and Jo!

(((HUGS)))

Michelle

 

[KTMom91]

I'm so sorry you're feeling so alone, Pam. Wish I lived closer and we could visit...go have some tea and just talk.

 

[Steely]

Sweetie - you are not alone. I am right there with you. I would hope that had we met, I would have connected with you, because I think we would have been great friends.
You are NOT the only one.
I have zippo.....except for difficult child. My sis and dad are dead, and my Mom, since my dad died, has become so distant and unreal I don't even know what to say to her. I have Matt, that's it - and he is still in every form a difficult child.
So I get it.
I am sending you so many cyber hugs - In some sense it is good to know I am not alone. I was thinking of posting something similar to your thread when you posted yours.
Many, many hugs - I only wish I had more wisdom to offer.

 

[keista]

((((HUGS)))) Well, if you don't mind big messes and a house in utter chaos, and you really decide to just drive? Head down to FL. I'd love to have you. We can shop every day (it's my job) and when we're not shopping, we'll be home working and sipping cocktails!

I know that loneliness. I feel it often. Hasn't struck really hard lately because the kids and work keep me too busy to stop and think about it, but it's there. Especially when I hear friends and family are doing this, that or the other thing, and I'm just too far away to join them. I've got 2 "friends I can touch" here in town. One of them, I'd rather not have as a friend, and the other, well, we get together when our girls get together.

Recently, my saving grace has been a support group. They meet twice a week. Once in rented space, the other at a restaurant. I go to the restaurant meeting. I get to have a meal out (without feeling guilty for not including the kids) and I get to chat with other moms of difficult children. Yeah, it's that kind of group, but we end up chatting about all sorts of topics.

H&R had many other great suggestions. You just need to go out an look for a good fit for yourself. And you know someone will bring it up, so why not me? Maybe get a medication tweak? Yeah, sounds like you are going through a rough depression patch. Your borderline comes through in your "solution" - to run away and isolate yourself even further. "Running away" in the form of a vacation isn't a bad idea though. A weekend trip to visit to visit sis and/or Pastry Chef, may just recharge your batteries.

 

[BusynMember]

There aren't any groups. I looked. A lot of the groups are for much younger people too. PLus I'm nervous in groups. It's just really hopeless...thanks for the suggestions though.

 

[Wiped Out]

MWM-You are not hopeless. Is there a type of volunteer work that wouldn't involve large groups? For a while my mom used to volunteer to work in the surgical waiting room at a local hospital where she lives. She really enjoyed it. She did a few other volunteer activities but, of course, I can't remember them now.


Sending caring hugs your way.

 

[Fran]

Midwest mom, I have the advantage of remembering you when you first came here. You are infinitely more warm and kind and understanding than I remember you way back when. I'm sorry you feel lonely. I lived away from my extended family for a long time. We made our new social friends our family especially for Thanksgiving. Extending your self will allow others to see your heart that is very big and loving. For me extending myself helps alleviate loneliness. I hope you feel better tomorrow and you wake up realizing that you are not alone because there are people who love you. Hugs.

 

[HaoZi]

*hugs*
I agree with H&R, find a local group you share some interests in or someplace you can volunteer at to get the social interaction you crave. I'm more of a loner myself, and even I sometimes need interaction (that doesn't include work).

 

[PatriotsGirl]

((((HUGS)))) Well, if you don't mind big messes and a house in utter chaos, and you really decide to just drive? Head down to FL. I'd love to have you. We can shop every day (it's my job) and when we're not shopping, we'll be home working and sipping cocktails!

I know that loneliness. I feel it often. Hasn't struck really hard lately because the kids and work keep me too busy to stop and think about it, but it's there. Especially when I hear friends and family are doing this, that or the other thing, and I'm just too far away to join them. I've got 2 "friends I can touch" here in town. One of them, I'd rather not have as a friend, and the other, well, we get together when our girls get together.

Recently, my saving grace has been a support group. They meet twice a week. Once in rented space, the other at a restaurant. I go to the restaurant meeting. I get to have a meal out (without feeling guilty for not including the kids) and I get to chat with other moms of difficult children. Yeah, it's that kind of group, but we end up chatting about all sorts of topics.

H&R had many other great suggestions. You just need to go out an look for a good fit for yourself. And you know someone will bring it up, so why not me? Maybe get a medication tweak? Yeah, sounds like you are going through a rough depression patch. Your borderline comes through in your "solution" - to run away and isolate yourself even further. "Running away" in the form of a vacation isn't a bad idea though. A weekend trip to visit to visit sis and/or Pastry Chef, may just recharge your batteries.

I would LOVE to have that kind of group here. And how do you get a job shopping?? I mean, that is my thing!!!!

MWM - is there anything keeping you where you are besides your husband saying you can't afford to move?

 

[BusynMember]

I do work and I like the people there, but nobody seems to want to extend a friendship. I volunteered at the humane society, which was mostly kids, and my knees went bad. I don't really have a lot of time to volunteer. I work screwy hours at the daycare. usually I'm on the bus so I work from 6:30am-9:30am then 2-5. Honestly, most of the places I've offered to volunteer at haven't been that receptive and aren't very friendly.
I have a lot of acquaintances but for various reasons never develop into friends. I think the fact that we don't drink is a big reason. They do get together to drink. Hub is also not very social. I was thinking of trying a bowling league, but I'm not sure I can, with my work hours. Even so, that doesn't replace close, loving family. I have made a few friends that I considered family. One has drifted away since I moved out of Illinois. One died of breast cancer at fifty. I miss her very much.
I got very short with Jumper for asking to go to J's family for Thanksgiving, when there are only four of us and they weren't very nice to her in the past. But realistically I can't keep her here for more than a few years. Sometimes I feel like it would be better if I wasn't here, being a pain in the neck.

 

[Signorina]

Hey sweetie - you are not alone. And the time change (afternoon darkness) and the sudden cold (and the snow flurries) on top of the upcoming holidays always adds to my melancholy.

we're here...

I think a trip to see pastry chef or to see your sister would be a great idea.

{{{hugs}}}

 

[BusynMember]

There are a few things keeping us where we live. One is that, although we are rather far from PastryChef, she is within striking distance and Sonic and jumper like it here. But, really, I would move anywhere if there was a support system there. It seems that hub does not miss one. I get so lonely I can barely stand it so obviously I need one...and may never have one.

 

[HaoZi]

Is there a local college you could audit classes at? Not the same as social interaction, but a good way of learning stuff cheap (since you don't get credit for the class) that you find interesting.

 

[tiredmommy]

I have an idea... you are obviously a very bright and vibrant woman with a lot to offer... have you thought of being a senior companion for a few hours a week? Many older folks are painfully lonely too and just want to make a connection. My understanding is that the companion helps with errands and "little" things around the house all the while giving friendship and some time to a senior.

 

[pepperidge]

sorry you are hurting. It is hard to want social interaction but not be comfortable seeking it. It doesn't come if you don't seek it out, generally. This is a hard time of the year not to be one of those with the storybook extended families.

How about volunteering at your local library shelving books?

 

[Star*]

MWM,

I don't know if this is going to come off as the screwball thought of the group (but what else is new) BUT.......why is it that everyone is always in such a dire pit if they don't have companionship like everyone else? (exhales and thinks a long time wincing eyes and pursing lips) I'm guessing I'm the little weirdo that would probably end up on the end of the dirt road, back of the hills with a bunch of animals all alone and be just dandy with coming to town once or twice a month for supplies and maybe a poke my head in the local tavern for a round of whatever - then back to my place in the woods -----alone. Content as can be. I'm putting on either. Also as far as I can tell I'm not borderline, or have any disorder other than one I've coined as "I can't take your BS so please don't leave any at my door step."

See over the years? I've thought I've had this complete desire to have "GIRLFRIENDS" omg would just perish without them. I 'needed' them, wanted them, had to have them, could not wait to get to be older to have them because growing up - my Father was quite the recluse and didn't allow us to have friends at our house. We (thinking back) may have had one or two cousins spend the night once in my entire life. We never had friends IN our house, because he was so ultra private - so we never actually went and stayed over either for fear the favor would be reciprocated. Call it what you will but in my entire life I never slept over at anyones home. Never - ever. The first person that ever spent the night at my house was IN my own apartment when I was 16. Kinda strange but that's what began all the learning of why I really didn't need knives in my back.

Since then, and now at 47? I can honestly say to you the best friends I've ever had in MY life are the ones I have here on the board. My phone calls to some of the members here are more meaningfull, and more pleasurable than any I've had with people I've met face to face and have done scads more for (in my humble opinion). Each and every person I've met here in SC? Have all asked things of me, gotten things from me, borrowed things from me, never replaced things from me - and never repaid me - ever. ALL have soon forgotten me. I've never done favor for a favor - yet when I was in dire straights and they KNEW it? NONE came to my aid and more than once they all stabbed me either in the back or the heart. I never did that to them.......and one by one; I've stopped calling, and now I'm once again alone and actually happier to just go shopping by myself, yard sale alone, library alone, volunteer alone.......and I'm content to do most everything alone.

What I get out of it? I have no hangups......no gossips, no heart breaks, no drama, and it's actually nice because when I need something the one person I can count on (me) is there all the time and I've gotten used to my schedule. It's actually amazing what you CAN accomplish on your own without all the drawbacks and hangups of having to deal without the BS. I'm not saying there aren't really good people out there - but what I've found here? Not a reliable person in the bunch - What I've found on the board? Best in the world. So as far as I'm concerned? I'd rather go hang out with myself, come here - chat and then go do a few things like volunteer - kill some time, do some good - hang out with the animals.......and then come home.

Someday maybe I'll hit the lotto, buy that animal rescue and then be the reculuse I'd like to really be. Philantrophic recluse is on my bucket list. lol.

Just thought maybe you'd like a different take on being alone and the fact that it's not so bad.........really. I too miss my kids.......but I'm happy that I raised a son that is off living his life -------living well. My job there? Completed well.

And ............just because you're 'older' does not mean ya can't find something FUN to do - I mean what IS on YOUR bucket list?

Belly Dancing?
Pottery Class?
Stained Glass Class?
Karate?
Archery?

Most community centers offer classes ALL.THE.TIME......so do vocational centers, Michaels Craft centers, Jo Anne Fabrics......I mean there is NO excuse if you WANT to make friends to get out there and find SOMETHING you are passionate about to share with others and NOT be a recluse.
Motorcycle Club......(Tech School get your license)

Tech School -------get a degree.....
Continuing Education........
Volunteer at the school as an Aide.......

OH right now????? Salvation Army is ABSOLUTELY in need of volunteers.......

 

[Hound dog]

((hugs))

It can really hoover not having anyone you're really close to except immediate family. While I don't encourage interaction with my extended family members, it doesn't mean that there aren't times when it think how nice it would be if we were a close and loving family...... Ehh, it's not that we don't care about each other, but they're too deep into their own difficult child drama......and I escaped that drama and have no wishes to return to it.

I sometimes wish I had a close friend to just sit and have coffee with in the mornings and yak. I haven't had that in many years, I miss it. And while I"m close to my girls, it's not the same thing.

I have been considering volunteering somewhere. I dunno yet if I will as employment would be a good thing for me to have first.

 

[buddy]

And how do you get a job shopping?? I mean, that is my thing!!!!

Actually there are volunteer jobs to help elderly or disabled people shop. sometimes you just go get the food for them (or whatever they need) and others you go with them.
I get really lonely and in my case, it is partly my fault because I could overcome my social phobias (I usually fight thru them and no one would ever know when you meet me anymore) but where it shows up is in my not making the call in the first place and letting friendships slide. It is s wrong of me but it has been hard not to be able to just join friends with their kids having fun... mine ends up bugging someone at best, hurting them at worst. It happens even within my family so though we do things together, we are not invited as much and it really hurts. Mostly I have to hide how hard things really are. My facebook posts say, q is having a good day today, and to you guys I will tell it all like it really is. Even with people around we can feel so lonely, I am sorry you are going through that.

I do force myself to volunteer at the school, reading to kids in teh severely physically and mentally impaired classes, and helping in the library. It just turns my day around to have little projects, do them and have other people to talk with. And the kids are great too! I have done this three years now. Especially helps in teh winter with the short days and darkness/cold/etc.

You are among friends, yes it would be great if we could just meet for coffee and by the way, i bet we would do fine. I have never been one who is in a click or anything, I had groups of friends and friends from all areas, rockers, nerds, sports guys, drama club folks,,, and now as an adult, I have friends from all over the world, different religions, different personalities and disabilities, etc. I think we would do great! So move here, nto far for you... come on, you'd love the twin cities. (and if shopping is your thing, WELL.... You know what is about 8 minutes from me even in traffic?????)