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I'm so torn and so sad
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 678420" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Your son sounds very smart. He knows what he wants and he knows how to manipulate people to get it.</p><p></p><p>He's smart enough to flip the switch to "I love you" when you told him about acting hateful.</p><p></p><p>He has a car, so he driving.</p><p></p><p>Sounds like he is pretty high functioning.</p><p></p><p>Most of us here will tell you that we have experienced being manipulated by our d cs. It is hard to see it when it is happening, because we are stuck in all the drama of it. If we step back a bit, and create a mental timeline, we can see a pattern of the kids behaviors, and also a pattern of our responses to them.</p><p></p><p>It is good that you are here posting, because <em>it is like journaling. </em>The great benefit is that we are sharing our experiences with this forum, and receiving advice and concern from others who are on similar journeys, all at different places on the path.</p><p></p><p>There is no right or wrong way, we are not experts or therapists, just moms and dads, who have pretty much been there, done that, and understand the frustration and pain of it. Keep posting here, it really helps. It has helped me learn a lot about my two d cs and myself.</p><p></p><p>What I have learned here on CD is about our adult children having accountability, even if they have issues with disorders.</p><p></p><p>My two have slid down the slippery slope of addiction. It has been a hard ride for all of us. They do not think, or act with clear heads, that is not an excuse, it is true, <em>but they are still responsible for their choices.</em></p><p></p><p> Please do not throw this back on yourself. By doing this, you are buying into your sons rhetoric. What you did, was correct, you shared with your husband that his adult son has stolen from you both. You shared the truth. You are supposed to, he is your husband, the father of your son. It is not "telling' on him.</p><p></p><p>Your son has made you the "keeper of his secrets." He has made you "the fixer."</p><p></p><p>In this, he has ensured that <em>he can continue doing what he does, and you will take the responsibility to "fix" it.</em></p><p></p><p>What is happening is called triangulating.</p><p>It is a process in which our d cs single out one parent as their "go to." This is usually the parent who is easier to manipulate and will "cover" for them. It is hard to break this habit. I am glad that you are seeing that you can't fix this. The more you buy into trying to be the heroe and "fix" this, the more he will continue to see you as his friend and his father as his foe.</p><p>He will use this again and again.</p><p>It becomes a game.</p><p>It is a game no one wins, and the biggest loser will be your son.</p><p></p><p>The responsibility needs to be on your son and his actions, his bad choices and the consequences. You were taking on the job to manage his accountability. "Protecting" him from his father, who may be a bit more heavy handed with the consequences.</p><p>It is nothing new to most of us.</p><p>It is a "good guy" "bad guy" thing.</p><p>I am glad your husband is not mad at you and understands how you have taken on this role. He says he will "handle it" but it really is a shared responsibility. Your son needs to know that mom and dad stand together.</p><p>If you and you husband can sit down and get on the same page, agree on consequences, your family will benefit tremendously.</p><p></p><p>Your son will most likely be upset with this. It will be uncomfortable for him, because he is used to the old way. It may be uncomfortable for you, too, because you are used to the old way, too.</p><p></p><p>Change does not come easy. It takes practice and consistency. It takes time. It takes help, too. There are groups out there for face to face support. There are videos on YouTube, books and articles. One I am reading is "Setting Boundaries with our Adult Children".</p><p></p><p>Take the time you need and be very, very kind to yourself. It is hard enough already to go through this. We did the best jobs we could, and when our d cs go down paths we never imagined for them, it is heartbreaking and mind boggling.</p><p></p><p>Our thoughts usually turn inward and we start to blame ourselves. Don't go there!<em> It is not your fault.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>Do something good and relaxing for you. If you can take some time to just breathe and be by yourself, it will help you. "Me" time is important. You have value and worth. Most of us moms, have given so much of ourselves, we kind of get lost in the shuffle of daily chores, jobs, kids. It is important to take time to build yourself up.</p><p></p><p>You are here now, and it is a good place to be. Keep posting and take care dear, most of all, know that you are not alone.</p><p></p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 678420, member: 19522"] Your son sounds very smart. He knows what he wants and he knows how to manipulate people to get it. He's smart enough to flip the switch to "I love you" when you told him about acting hateful. He has a car, so he driving. Sounds like he is pretty high functioning. Most of us here will tell you that we have experienced being manipulated by our d cs. It is hard to see it when it is happening, because we are stuck in all the drama of it. If we step back a bit, and create a mental timeline, we can see a pattern of the kids behaviors, and also a pattern of our responses to them. It is good that you are here posting, because [I]it is like journaling. [/I]The great benefit is that we are sharing our experiences with this forum, and receiving advice and concern from others who are on similar journeys, all at different places on the path. There is no right or wrong way, we are not experts or therapists, just moms and dads, who have pretty much been there, done that, and understand the frustration and pain of it. Keep posting here, it really helps. It has helped me learn a lot about my two d cs and myself. What I have learned here on CD is about our adult children having accountability, even if they have issues with disorders. My two have slid down the slippery slope of addiction. It has been a hard ride for all of us. They do not think, or act with clear heads, that is not an excuse, it is true, [I]but they are still responsible for their choices.[/I] Please do not throw this back on yourself. By doing this, you are buying into your sons rhetoric. What you did, was correct, you shared with your husband that his adult son has stolen from you both. You shared the truth. You are supposed to, he is your husband, the father of your son. It is not "telling' on him. Your son has made you the "keeper of his secrets." He has made you "the fixer." In this, he has ensured that [I]he can continue doing what he does, and you will take the responsibility to "fix" it.[/I] What is happening is called triangulating. It is a process in which our d cs single out one parent as their "go to." This is usually the parent who is easier to manipulate and will "cover" for them. It is hard to break this habit. I am glad that you are seeing that you can't fix this. The more you buy into trying to be the heroe and "fix" this, the more he will continue to see you as his friend and his father as his foe. He will use this again and again. It becomes a game. It is a game no one wins, and the biggest loser will be your son. The responsibility needs to be on your son and his actions, his bad choices and the consequences. You were taking on the job to manage his accountability. "Protecting" him from his father, who may be a bit more heavy handed with the consequences. It is nothing new to most of us. It is a "good guy" "bad guy" thing. I am glad your husband is not mad at you and understands how you have taken on this role. He says he will "handle it" but it really is a shared responsibility. Your son needs to know that mom and dad stand together. If you and you husband can sit down and get on the same page, agree on consequences, your family will benefit tremendously. Your son will most likely be upset with this. It will be uncomfortable for him, because he is used to the old way. It may be uncomfortable for you, too, because you are used to the old way, too. Change does not come easy. It takes practice and consistency. It takes time. It takes help, too. There are groups out there for face to face support. There are videos on YouTube, books and articles. One I am reading is "Setting Boundaries with our Adult Children". Take the time you need and be very, very kind to yourself. It is hard enough already to go through this. We did the best jobs we could, and when our d cs go down paths we never imagined for them, it is heartbreaking and mind boggling. Our thoughts usually turn inward and we start to blame ourselves. Don't go there![I] It is not your fault. [/I] Do something good and relaxing for you. If you can take some time to just breathe and be by yourself, it will help you. "Me" time is important. You have value and worth. Most of us moms, have given so much of ourselves, we kind of get lost in the shuffle of daily chores, jobs, kids. It is important to take time to build yourself up. You are here now, and it is a good place to be. Keep posting and take care dear, most of all, know that you are not alone. (((HUGS))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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