I'm so very tired....

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by strugglingdad, Jan 29, 2015.

  1. strugglingdad

    strugglingdad New Member

    Hello all,
    This is my first post here. I feel like I have to just say some things to somebody, to anybody, before I pop. I am a 42 year old dad with a 15 year old son. My wife and I (his mom) have been happily married for 17 years. We're a typical one-child, one-marriage household.

    We caught my son smoking pot the first time when he was 14-1/2. That was a serious blow for me. I've never done pot or any other drug and up to that point I didn't want to believe that my kid was the type to do drugs either. I'm one of those people that if I ding someone's car door, I'll leave a note. I have a strong moral compass and I believe in doing the right thing and avoiding doing the wrong things. Apparently, the moral compass is not genetic.

    The year that's passed since then has seen lots of confrontation about his continued pot use. He's had a few fits of rage and punched some holes in the walls, his grades have gone to hell. If his lips are moving, he's probably lying. He has no passion for anything (except pot) and I'm pretty convinced that he's either stolen from us or drug friends that he's brought over to our house have. He's come to the edge of violence with us once or twice, and at 6'1" and 280 lbs, that's a real concern. I could handle him, but my wife absolutely couldn't even though she won't admit it. I've made it very clear that there will be no violence in our home, and any violation of that will result in the police being called to deal with him.

    A week or two ago he was in the woods behind our house with a friend getting high and someone in a neighboring house called the cops on them. As a minor, the cops brought him home and told us that the courts will be contacting us. We're still waiting for that. We hoped that brush with the law would be the scare that would change his mind about drugs, but he's continuing to smoke. Where he gets the funds to pay for it I have no idea. We went from trying to teach our kid financial responsibility (putting his allowance into a teen account with a debit card and showing him how to manage that account) to emptying the account because we can't trust him to have money. Not that not having money is stopping him from getting pot.

    But he won't give it up, he won't do his school work, and he has no real interest in doing anything else. In an effort to try and maintain a bearable home life for all of us, I told him at one point that if he was going to do drugs regardless of our wishes, I'd make him the teenager deal of the century...I would look the other way if a) he brought his grades up and b) he didn't bring pot or any of the stuff associated with it into my house. I hate drugs with a passion and I don't want it here.

    But apparently, that's still too much to ask. I came home the last two days and I could smell it in the house, and I've found the toilet paper tubes stuffed with paper towels and dryer sheets. He's not fooling anybody, he just thinks I'm stupid. My wife knows what he's doing clear as day, but she's still in denial.

    I went to bed last night and the last two things I said to my wife were that I can't wait until he turns 18 so I can kick him out, and I wish he'd just get arrested. As I found consciousness this morning, the gravity of those thoughts hit me like a ton of bricks and I don't know what to do. I love my kid more than anything on this planet. At the same time, I hate him for what he's become. If he weren't my kid and just some person I met, I'd want nothing to do with him.

    That hurts...bad. He and I used to do everything together, now all I can do is wonder how bad it's going to be tomorrow.

    We took him to see a therapist a few months ago, not about pot specifically, just to have someone to talk about things he's upset about, etc. He turns on the charm and in a few sessions the therapist says we can just call him if we need to, but it's up to us.

    We're taking him in for ADD evaluation next week. It seems like he can't sit down and focus on school work and he just kind of zones out in class. Not sure what will come of that, but if medication can help calm his mind down so he can focus and work, and he can develop some pride in his grades, I think that would help. I guess we'll see.

    Anyhow, thanks for letting me vent. If you have any words of wisdom or whatever I'd love to hear 'em. I'm youngest of 5 kids and all of us are successful and happy and our growing up was uneventful. My parents never had to deal with this stuff and we didn't really know anybody who did, so it's really foreign to me and it's taking a toll on my ability to perform at work, etc.

  2. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello and welcome to our little corner of the CD board. Many of us have gone through what you are going through now and understand how you feel.

    I would start off with finding a new therapist. My difficult child charmed many a therapist. When we found a center where the therapists actually saw through the charm, difficult child didn't "like" them and didn't want to go to them anymore.

    But there are addiction specialists and you need to find one fast. Your difficult child is in a downward spiral and is not going to suddenly turn around. In my opinion, he is way past normal teenage rebellion and experimentation.

    My personal opinion is that you need to look into a residential treatment center. I would do anything to get him away from his druggie friends. I wish we had seen what was really going on when my difficult child was 16 and starting down the same path. Thirteen years later she is a alcoholic drug addict who goes from rehab to rehab. Tell your wife that pot is only the beginning for some kids. Mine eventually shot up heroin before we held an intervention and sent her to a three month rehab program.

    Others will be along with thoughts and advice. We always tell everyone to take the advice that makes sense to you and leave the rest. There will be many different opinions which is a great thing. Everyone has had different experiences to share.

  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You sound a lot like me. If I accidentally am given a store item without being charged for it, I go back quickly to pay. I don't break the law. I have never been drunk in my life and tried pot so that the other kids who said, "Don't knock it till you tried it" couldn't say that anymore and I continued to knock it. It made me paranoid, fuzzy-headed, spaced out, scared and hungry.

    If your son is just now starting to exhibit ADD symptoms consider that he may be taking drugs that make him hyper. My daughter did this while on speed. No, we didn't think she was using speed. Not OUR daughter! She never talked the truth to therapists. That was a waste of money. She DID make them think we were horrible parents though. I digress.

    When I found out my daughter was smoking pot, I really believed she was only smoking pot. It wasn't true. Yes, she started with pot, but quickly advanced and we did not have a clue. Well, hub did, but i didn't want to know it. Twice she was busted for pot and put on parole. Once I turned her in, hoping this would help her or I could get services for her, but she wasn't fazed by parole and kept smoking pot and doing whatever other drugs she did that I did not know about at the time. Boy, she was good at hiding it, but they all are.

    I can tell you right now that if my daughter EVER smoked pot in the house and I found out about it (never happened), life as she knew it would have been gone forever, including ever getting a driver's license with my money or driving my vehicle. She knew this so she really was very careful where she smoked. Heck, I never even let her smoke cigarettes in the house. I would routinely go through her purse and if I saw cigarettes, I'd toss them out. Once she broke the law, I explained to her that she no longer had privacy and that I would go through her purse, her room, anything. Back then the internet was not as big a factor. She is now thirty. I also cut off all money and we only provided nourishing food and clothes from Walmart, so she got a job and probably spent a lot of her wages on drugs, but at least it was her money and not ours. When she was nineteen, hub and me and the two younger kids went to a waterpark for two days and she was not to have anyone over and to watch the dogs. She had plead on her honor by then that she had quit and we chose to believe her. We did this many times.

    Well, the younger kids got bored at the waterpark and we came home one night early. Whoa boy. A huge drug party was going on with lots of kids and pills I'd never seen before along with the boring pot and alcohol. What a mess. She was asked to leave, she left, long story short, she did quit. It's been about eleven years since she has used drugs and has a good life now. I do believe in tough love. It doesn't always work, but making them comfy works even less, if it ever works.

    My daughter was not violent, except once when she put her hand through a window and that was violence against herself. She was always a very sweet person, even in her drug days. But violence is not allowed in our home. My oldest son (whole other story) got violent, and he can never live with us again. Ever. We have zero tolerance for violence. Luckily, he has a good job and doesn't need to live with us and he seems to have changed about 80% of the time, but he does revert. Drugs are not his issue. Anger is.

    Anyhow, welcome to our nightmare...haha. Humor does help.

    I hope you and your wife can get on the same page and band together about what you plan on doing about each infraction. Personally, I feel it is hopelessly disrespectful to smoke pot in your house. Your house/your rules. I don't allow smoking cigarettes in my house and it's legal, but again it is my husbands and my sanctuary and we set the rules for that castle of ours, which is really just 1,000 feet of nice apartment, but it is ours and we make the rules about what goes on here. It is to sheild us. Our kids can make their own rules when they are on their own in their own place on their own dime.

    I don't know about rehabs. Our daughter wouldn't go. She did quit anyway, on her own, in another state away from the bad influences that did not help things any. We are very proud of her. She did it herself. Many people quit without rehab. But if you go the rehab route, make sure it's a decent place. And remember your son will not quit until he wants to. And you have 0% control over him, but you have 100% control of yourself and how you respond to his behavior.
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  4. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    You're telling my story right here. My son went from being in the Gem program to flunking almost everything and being put in remedial classes. Stealing, lying, hurting his brothers, punching holes in the walls were nothing compared to the stress and constant horror we endured living with him. His mantra was, "Why should I?" referring to schoolwork, not lying, maybe finding a job....etc. He was content with this situation, it worked for him.

    He graduated high school, we told him to get a job or go to work, he did neither, he stole from us and I got a restraining order. He had no choice at that point, my brother in law paid for a room in a rooming house for a month for him. At that point he had to get a job, he HAD to....that is the only way he would have.....I didn't talk to him for a couple years, it was very sudden. He slowly got better jobs, saved his money , bought a car, got married and has 2 kids. Now I talk to him every day. He thanks us for being so tough on him.

    He's 27, the restraining order was removed years ago. I had to do something drastic to make him want to change. He would still be laying on my couch not working if we allowed him to let him behave that way. We had to make a move, we had to save ourselves. Forget therapy, he'll lie. This is what worked for me, forget any type of contract or deal, it's a joke to these kids. You just have to hang on, if he can graduate from high school, and he's almost there, you can help him want to change. It hurts and it's unpopular with family members but it worked for me. You just want to help him. He's so young still. I'm so glad you don't give him money or access to money.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I love hearing other happy endings.

    I really, truly believe that the only way to get one is to stop the money, stop feeling sorry for them (hard as that is, but that does not help them), stop bailing them out of trouble and letting them face the consequences. To me, from being here for over a decade, it seems like the ones who turn around do it after we decide WE.ARE.DONE! And we have to mean it. And they have to know we mean it.

    I can't remember every story I've read, but I can't remember any happy endings while the adult child is living at home, receiving aid and comfort for his or her habit at home, or being inconsistent. We have mommy hearts that melt when we hear our kids lie and say, "I'm hungry" and we want to feed them. But that just helps them keep using and the money for food usually goes to drugs...there are many places to get free food and those on the street know where to go.

    It doesn't always work. But it works better than keeping them at home and ignoring that they are snorting, sticking dirty needles in their arms (I was terrified Daughter would get HIV), and stealing from us and probably innocent people too. Keeping them home is for us. It makes us feel better. But in my opinion (which is just my opinion, by the way:p) it does not encourage them to change their lives. Drugs are so seductive. They need powerful motivation to quit. And usually we have no idea the half of how much drugs they are using. We sure didn't.
  6. christianmom

    christianmom Member

    I will be praying for you. Your situation sounds so similar to ours, only son, very close to my husband - my husband considered him, his best friend. My husband comes from a family of 5 siblings also. Our son lived a double life and we had no idea for about a year that he was doing drugs and now has been involved with drugs a total of almost 4 years (off and on). It is much harder when they are underage. Ours is 21 so it is much easier - he left just the other day because he didn't want to abide by our rules. He moved in with some other people on drugs and they've had their power turned off, have no working fridge or stove. It's a pitiful situation but that's what he chose. It is much more peaceful when he is not home, even though he is a pretty laid back guy. I do know that you will get a lot of support on this site. (We had kicked him out once because of stealing but he asked to move back home after a few months and we let him).
  7. strugglingdad

    strugglingdad New Member

    Thank you all for the input. He did the 3 hour AD/HD evaluation test today at the psychologists office and we were given paperwork to take to the counselor/teacher at school as well.

    We finally heard from the courts...we have to go to an "intervention hearing" with the court officer on Monday. I'd like to say I'm hopeful that it'll scare some sense into him, but I'm really not.

    We went to a vocational school open-house tonight and he's shown some interest in one of the programs there. If he can get into it it'll be very good for him because it would remove him from his drug friends every other day during the week, and he'd learn some real-world skills that he can use as a working adult. Pray for us that he gets in.

    Thank you again for sharing your stories. While they are depressing in that they show me how much worse it can get, at least I know I'm not the first to go through this.
  8. MomOntheEdge

    MomOntheEdge New Member

    Hi strugglingdad - this is "strugglingmom", aka lovemyson2, aka MomOnTheEdge....
    Your story is so similar to mine. My son - just turned 16 - and since he was 14 we have been in the battle of the Pot. That is the only thing he is motivated to do or talk about, or work towards. School is a waste of time according to him, and following rules is just a "suggestion from society" in his mind. It's been a living nightmare. He moved up to trying acid and molly, and just recently - like a month ago - started drinking any alcohol in our house that he could get his hot little hands on. He doesn't care if he gets caught. He doesn't care if he gets grounded or loses his phone for 2 weeks, or anything. I can't monitor him 24 hours a day - I work full time, like most of us do - so when I'm working...he's playing. I know he's smoking pot in his room - I took the door off. Can't tell is he's still doing it or not. He sprays Axe body spray all over the place and burns incense so I don't know what the hell I'm smelling half the time.

    I offered him a similar deal - abide by my curfew, don't skip school, and don't do drugs in the house and I will try to look the other way. That seemed to be a good deal until all this alcohol started going missing and I started finding these suspicious hollowed out pens with melted ends just this past week...the pens are what brought me here to this forum (thank god). I don't have any answers. I follow your thread in the hopes of getting more advice as well.

    I find myself hoping that he's not home when I come home from work - because I just can't deal with him. If he's got no plans on a Saturday - it makes for a LOOOOOONG day for me.

    I'm in the same boat - keep reading and asking questions on here. I am hoping we both get some relief at some point.
  9. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    I'm so sorry you are In this situation with your son.

    Several things come to mind:

    1. Stop the flow of any money.
    2. Don't believe anything he says.
    3. It can get a lot worse. Run don't walk to find any resources you can find right now---to help intervene in his path toward serious drug addiction.
    4. It may not stop or slow down the progression but try it all anyway.
    4. Don't get over worried about him "getting a record". He will do just fine with that on his own if this path continues. Seek the help of any and all local and state departments including the police.
    5. Right now because he is a minor you still have control over his life legally. Use that control to get help.
    6. Here is a common problem: we believe them for way too long and by the time we are "on" to them it's almost too late in terms of their age or serious trouble they are in.
    6. Get lots of support for you and your wife. Learn new ways of thinking and behaving. You and your wife are going to have to get a lot tougher with him and it is very hard to do. Basically you need to learn how to stop enabling and it takes a while for it all to sink in. I recommend alanon as a key resource.

    We are here for you. Keep posting. We care and we get it.
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  10. strugglingdad

    strugglingdad New Member

    We had the intervention hearing with the Juvenile Court officer this morning. We met with him at the same time as the kid he was caught smoking with and his dad. I would have preferred not to do that, but it is what it is. By law, he's in a 120 day 'diversion program'. The court officer will bring him in to randomly drug test him (supposedly he's using a 12 panel test, if such a thing exists). He has to write a 2500 word essay about his future and he has to hand-write an apology letter to his parents, which he has to provide a copy of to the court. He also has to do 25 hours of community service. Failure to do any of this will result in failure of the diversion program and the officer can press the charge of possession. Completion means nothing on his record that could affect his getting a permit/license, insurance rates, etc.

    He's been better about his school work lately, so maybe there's a snowballs chance he'll actually write the essay and the apology letter, but I'm not holding my breath (actually...yeah, I kinda am). He had to tell the court officer the last time he smoked so that the officer would know when to expect a clean drug test. He claimed it was the day he was caught by the police. I gave him multiple opportunities to change his story but he stuck with it. Probably a bad idea on his part.

    Thanks to all of you for your posts. It may be a few minutes of your time to type it out, but it really has helped me keep my sanity. I've done a lot of challenging stuff in my life. Being a parent takes the cake.
  11. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    I know it was hard today but I see a lot of good in this. He has a chance to make different decisions now and there is a clear roadmap to do it.

    He can make a different choice starting now and can completely turn things around.

    Being accountable is good. It is good for all of us.

    It is not just mom and dad talking now. The community is talking to him and he will have to suffer the consequences if he does not comply.

    It is not up to you to do this. I am sure you have had the serious talk already.

    Now it's time to wait and watch and stay out If the way, if You can. This part is very hard for us as parents.

    You are doing the good job of being viligant parents and that is all you truly can do.

    We can't control other people even our minor children, as you do well know.

    Try to do something nice for yourself and your wife now. Warm hugs.
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  12. strugglingdad

    strugglingdad New Member

    Thanks CoM. I'm an engineer....I fix things. It's what I do. Not being able to fix this has been brutal. Knowing that I had a hand in creating this thing that is fully autonomous and can choose to destroy itself if it chooses...man is it ever hard. It also makes me wonder what we did wrong to get to this point. I am friends with lots of people who have kids that are happy, productive, motivated young adults. Why isn't mine? If we're products of our environment, what environment did I create that led to this? Too hard on him? Not hard enough? Life too easy? Too spoiled? We've always talked about actions and consequences and taking responsibility for what you do. I know he understands these things at an academic level. He just doesn't seem to....care. I don't get it.
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  13. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    StrugglingDad... Most of us mom's are "fix-it" people too. That's what Mom's do. So, we understand.

    As to what happened... there are a LOT of options. He may have been born wired differently. There may have been side effects from trauma that either seemed minor or that you don't know about - a single concussion can impact thought processes, depending on what region of the brain is affected. There are many outside influences... once a child begins school, they are out of your control and influence for a substantial part of every day. You have no idea what actually happens at school. Kids don't tell us because we'll try and fix it and make it worse, but... if they don't tell, things usually get worse anyway. We didn't know most of what went on until after our first kid quit school. If he was into sports or other activities, there are other people involved again. The systems behind these activities can be a negative influence on some kids. Certain adults in key roles can be a negative - or even toxic - influence. Chances are fairly high that it wasn't just you.

    Having said that: you're an engineer. One well-known specialist on Autism Spectrum Disorder has been known to state that from his experience, one of the risk factors of a child having Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) is... having a parent or grandparent who is an engineer (or mathematician, or PhD-level scientist, or in the technical side of IT, among other things). Don't take that personally - it's not a slap against you, it's just a statistical reality that people on or close to the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) spectrum tend to gravitate to those fields of study.
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  14. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hi Struggling,

    You are not alone.... remember parents always make it seem to others that their kids are all fine and doing great. I am convinced that there is much more than environment who makes us who we are. I think innate wiring is a big part. I have two kids, both adopted. The grew up in the same environment but have different genetics. And from very early on the differences between them were obvious. My daughter is in college and doing great. My son started using substaces very young and has been struggling ever since. At the moment (now at age 23) he is doing better and I currently am hopeful... but also know I cant count on anything. So dont buy into that baloney that a person is a product of their environment... that is one small part of the picture.

    One thing that has really helped me is finding a really great alanon group for parents. The first time I went my son was 19 and in jail. It felt to me like the worst thing a mother couuld go through, and except for this list I didnt know anyone else whose kids were going through the stuff mine was. Like you I wondered what I had done wrong. My first meeting I cried all the way through it..... but afterwards I felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. Here were other parents, and good parents, whose kids were also abusing drugs. They understood the late night phone calls and all the feelings I had. One of the things I took away from that meeting was the adage, You didnt cause it, you cant cure it and you cant control it!! So very true I have found. So I really suggest you find a real life support group for parents of kids who abuse drugs. My husband, also an engineer, goes with me. I think initially he went to go with me, but now he goes for himself. He rarely says anything but just being with others who get it is a comfort to him.
  15. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Ok, a LOT of what has been said covers what I believe but will still add my two cents in! First off, you and your wife need to be on the same page. If you aren't, its going to cause a huge amount of strain on your relationship. Im speaking from personal experience here. Our son started at 16 and we didn't really notice/ignored it until he was 17 which is a bad time in this state. Legally responsible for them but cant make them do anything. Its rough. But on top of the fact that it will cause you stress, if you don't stay on the same page when dealing with your child it will not only be useless but counter productive as well. My wife is the fixer, Im the disciplinarian. He calls mom not me because she's the softer touch and easier to manipulate. Before you deal with him talk to her in private and present a united front.

    Its been said but I'll say it again because you need to hear it. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT! Even if your child has some mental health issues he is choosing to do what he is doing. Granted, its because he doesn't know a better way but its still his choice. That being said, don't try to get a mental health diagnosis while he's on drugs, its useless.

    Always be hopeful but be cautiously hopeful. The program your son is interested in. Is it something you have to pay for? If so, I'd advise against it until he has been drug free and shows marked improvement in school for quite a while. Our son was VERY good at bringing his grades when needed to keep us off his back. When we backed off a bit, the grades went back down.

    Finally, make NO deals! Your house, your rules, end of discussion. MWM is right about tough love. It doesn't always work but being soft on them never does. It took my wife a while to figure that out but now that she has, things are going much better. Granted, our son is still doing stupid things but we are no longer funding it but more importantly, WE feel better for it. Our son was smoking cigarettes, pot, and K2 in the house. He was stealing from us and trashing his room. We finally kicked him out for stealing, now he has court tomorrow for shoplifting from Wal-Mart. But it was HIS choice to do this. We tried to teach him a good moral compass but as a teenager, friends have more influence than family. Morality and living a good life is boring and most teens, even the good ones, don't want boring.
  16. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    I understand. In every area of my life, until I met addiction, I could do things that would make a difference in the outcome. Not addiction. Doesn't work.

    I am an action-oriented person. I own my own business, I exercise every day, I volunteer, I ask for what I want in life. I'm "out there." I make things happen. Not with addiction.

    We've met our match here---we action-takers. Doesn't work. I tried it for years and year and years. If taking action would have stopped it, it would be stopped. If love would have stopped it, it would be stopped. If reasoning would have stopped it, it would be stopped. If kicking him out/seeing him homeless/allowing him to stay in jail/turning him away from the front door at 3 a.m. would have stopped it, it would be stopped.

    What has changed things with him, I cannot know.

    Here is what I "think":

    His mother (me) getting out of the way consistently for a long long time.
    Him getting older.
    Him being scared to death in jail the last time that he was going to prison for four years.
    ???? Other factors I have no knowledge of.

    My son seems to have changed somewhat today. At least, he is working and has an apartment. He is pretty much supporting himself. I say that because he is using food stamps and I did give him $90 for his electric bill last month. That is the second time i have helped him since late October when I paid the security deposit and $300/partial payment for his first month's rent.

    It's not pretty. It's not all "fixed." There are still things that worry me, upset me, that I don't like. He lives with the girlfriend who was convicted of stabbing him last summer. Etc.

    As others have said---what could you possibly have done/not done to cause this? I say you aren't that powerful. You didn't cause this. It is very likely a combination of genetics and choices.

    My older son was raised in the same household and he has a Master's degree in Math and works as a professional Statistician. He is engaged to a Pharmacist and they will be married in August. He is a kind, caring, hard working person who takes responsibility and is on a very good path.

    My younger son, I believe, has the genetics of addiction. His dad is a recovering alcoholic. His maternal great-grandmother was addicted to Demerol. My brother, his uncle, is a highly functioning alcoholic. His paternal grandfather was an alcoholic.

    I also believe---if we made any contribution to this at all--his dad and I---mainly me---did too much for both of my sons. I made sure they played every sport, had every opportunity, were constantly talked to about the future, i.e., going to college, had part-time jobs, had responsibilities at home, had curfews, had to make good grades, etc. etc. But I was too vigilant.

    Okay so what? I didn't cause this, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. In Al-Anon we call those the three Cs.

    We can sit all day and play woulda, shoulda, coulda. I believe the best response to that is: You're just not what powerful.

    Addiction is powerful. And then, personal choice is personal choice. My difficult child has chosen much of his path. He has not chosen to get involved and seriously work a 12-step program. I believe that is the best course of longstanding success for most addicts.

    But I can't be involved in that--if it is to be, it will be because he chooses it. I've said it all to him over the years, 1000 times.

    Hangin there. Perhaps this can be a turning point for your son. I sincerely hope so. Warm hugs. P.S. You can't fix this. I wish you could.
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  17. strugglingdad

    strugglingdad New Member

    Sorry I haven't stopped by here in awhile...life has been hectic.

    The psychologist that did his ADHD evalution say he definitely has ADHD along with anxiety and mild depression. The report goes to a doctor that will write a prescription for some medication. That app't is this week. I really believe he needs it if he is going to have a shot at success in life. He'll burn himself to the ground otherwise.

    The drug use I believe, for now anyway, has stopped. He is still expecting the random call from the courts to come in and be drug tested. That's probably the only reason he's staying clean. He spends all of his free time at home because, to use his words, "All of my friends smoke pot, so I can't be around them or I might fail my drug test." I'm both happy that he has some sense of self-preservation, and sad that he has no friends that are clean or would abstain from drugs so they can hang out with him. I know he's lonely and even though he and I used to be the best of pals, I can't fill that void. He got his learners permit and has been doing a fair amount of driving with us. I know he enjoys driving and I'm hoping that knowing it's a revocable privilege will act as a long term deterrent.

    But I'm worried about what he will do when he's off probation...I believe it's the only reason he's staying clean. I contacted the court officer to ask what my options are if I find out he starts using again after probation and I let my son know what those options were and that I would not just do nothing. At least now he knows what the consequences of disobeying the law and the rules of our home will be. He'll have some choices to make. When I was having that conversation with him, he said he dreams about smoking pot...he really misses it. Ugh. And when I told him that the last few weeks have been pretty nice (he's a jerk when he's using), he disagreed...he said it's been hell. I don't know what to say to that. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop here.
  18. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Here's hoping the anti-anxiety/depression medications kick in before he's off probation. He may be using pot to "self-medicate", in which case life IS really rough without it because he has nothing else.

    NOT that I condone self-medicating.
  19. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My daughter was always nasty when using pot also. She was a different person when not using. I hope he continues to resist the temptations. The problem is with all the talk about legalizing I think many think it's only a matter of time until they can use legally.
  20. Rina

    Rina Member

    Welcome to the boards. I'm in a similar situation - 16 year old son, using whatever he can get his hands on. He's in a short-term rehab program now.
    I'm happy to hear your son has a sense of self-preservation - from what I hear, many addicts lack it, and it naturally makes their situation much worse. I hope you'll be able to continue offering consequences to drug use that would incentivize him to stay clean, and get him counseling to get to the bottom of the issue.
    My son has only one non-using friend, and they barely talk nowadays. Like you, I'm worried he'll just get back in touch with his using friends because he'll get lonely. Time will tell I guess.