I'm sorry-the cards were beautiful!

1905

Well-Known Member
OK, The cards are sent! I do not want to be fat! That is all that I think of, day and night. I'm not even hungry-your friend is the same way. Even though she craves sugar, or whatever, I garantee that's the only time she feels hungry-some things are just too goood- for me it's Cheerios and water. I eat that for every meal, It is the BEST thing in the universe. I see a fat person in the miroir and now that I went somewhere where there was this refeeding process, nothing was fixed, I have to lose it again. I feel mental because this weight I just gained is painful, I can feel it, it itches.I have been adding other things in my diet, like I found these 40 calorie rice cakes and I put a tiny smear of peanut butter and raisins- its a feast, I don't want to die. I am now very week and can only go to my boxing gym with husband and not the other- that was 11 times a week. But of course now I eat much less. I also must stay hydrated because that is why a skinny person dies of a heart attack- it's the electrolytes and potasium something- but if I start stumbling around- I better start drinking, I know I'm dehydrated. A small sample of my mind. My insurance co gave me other numbers but how can I go there? I can't be this fat. I understand about your friend, She just feels fat, and it's embarasing to look like this in public. I've managed to avoid my friends, family, and have ruined my social life, I've manged to avoid me.For me it's not over, because my job knows, and husband is more astute than normal- I can fake certain things-like last nightIi had lettuce for dinner with one calorie salad spray- He thought I was having diner with the family. My friends worry, but I can only help myself.
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
So in her mind when she eats the food she thinks she can actually feel where it goes in her body to build muscle or she thinks she can actually feel where it goes to make fat? That's really intune with your senses to a degree that would be very hard to explain, but you did it very well. When you say it itches, do you think that's building muscle or fat or is it a doesn't matter basket B situation, that is in your mind muscle is weight; fat is weight at it must come off?

I ask because...if you are 94 lbs. That's good right? 94 and hydrated maintained would be doable for her. So if she just drank the protein shakes and got her vitamins and minerals, maintained 94 lbs, drank water - remained hydrated and had very very small amounts of food would that be enough? In your opinion? I think you are right about the exercising. She is fanatical about it too. I have literally never seen or met anyone that NEEDED new tennis shoes because the bottom tread was worn off due to wear. She also drinks a lot of Mountian Dew. I think it's for the caffeine??
Any thoughts? Do you suppose or have any idea about us getting her to like protein bars something sugary? Or does that go back to the feeling it adding weight? Do you think the protein drinks are doing the same thing because she tells us they just taste nasty and I drank a vanilla one and thought not too bad....a little sugary for me..but still?

Also....thank you so much for sharing, I'm learning a lot and appreciate the opportunity.
 

1905

Well-Known Member
Well I think she just doesn't care if it's muscle or fat. And a protien shake is the "cheapest" way to get a meal,calorie wise. The need to work out is something that I had too- but medicine takes away that urge, now I can't eat though-where before I was eating way more, they were callling anorexia with purgelike quailities, because the workouts were my purge. But I still go to the gym, just not twice a day, now I really won't eat. All I see is the fat. 94 is good for me, even 92 becasue I know I won't die at those numbers, but starving and freaking out at how fat I am is bad and I'm too old to starve my body. I just want to be normal. Just be nice to your friend, that is what she needs. Those protien bars have about as many calories as a Snickers bar-just not as tasty and they don't really do anything. The clases they taught at that place were all about loving yourself and stuff like that. She needs to remain hydrated, and water alone isn't as good as gatorade, I know, but it has calories. If she has a problem, a Dr.l is the best thing, I'm the worst person to ask. I want to be skinny, and am ruining my body because the need is too powerful.
 

totoro

Mom? What's a difficult child?
I was thinking about you last night just wondering how you were feeling.
Hoping you are staying hydrated. Not preaching.

I know I am only a cyber friend but I am here. Or at least trying to be. :)
 

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
Ahhh! I get a reprieve! I only sent out half my cards. I'll send out more this week.
Thank you, Alyssa!

And I'm so glad you're getting help.
Working out is great. Good for your heart, lungs, muscles, stamina.
4 a.m., not so great. ;)

I'm thinking about you and wishing you luck and strength.
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
Okay -----

I got some Gatorade, and some Snickers bars ;). I kept them here in my desk and when she comes in I'll offer her those. I'm not trying to change her or be sneaky...she is who she is. Her life, her choice. I get it. I just wanted to try and understand. Thank you so very much for your honesty and insight.

Now.....GET ME MY CARD....(said like......KAHHHHHHHAAAAARD)
lol.

Hugs & Love
Star
oh and send one to Shari and Toto too.....pft......;):tongue:
 

1905

Well-Known Member
Star, Your 2 cards should be there any second!!!! As well as everyone else's!!!! All kidding aside, pray for your friend. She needs help. I do also, I can't stop crying for almost 2 days now. I just re-read my previous posts and I sound like a lunatic. It's embarassing. I'm much more normal in real life- well, maybe not recently. -Alyssa
 

tiredmommy

Well-Known Member
{{{Alyssa}}}

Thank you for the card... it truly brightened my mood on a cold, wet and dreary January day.

I'm worried about you. My mother had bipolar disorder and, I suspect, an eating disorder. She was 5'3" and 82 lbs when she died of lung cancer a few weeks ago. She was always concerned about her weight. I think, for her, it related to her mania/hypersexuality and need to be seen as a viable sex partner through the years. And it was something she could control... that is until controlling her weight controlled her. I think I read something a few years back that as many as 30% of people with bipolar disorder also have a co-morbid eating disorder.
 

gcvmom

Here we go again!
Alyssa, thank you for my "sweet" card today! Woo-hooo! I've got mail :D

I'm sorry for what you are struggling with. I hope you find a program that works for you. Compulsive behavior, no matter what the type, is not healthy for anyone. My husband has his own issues -- they're better now thanks to some of the medications he's had to take for his seizures (and I thank God every day for that) -- and I got sucked into it and dragged down into my own little pit until I got the help I needed to climb back out. It took a long time to find that ladder. Some days I'm not so sure I'm all the way out, but I sure as heck ain't on the bottom anymore. It's all about baby steps, right? One rung at a time, hand over hand, until one day you wake up and you're THERE. It's as gradual as the process that got you at the other end in the first place.

Thanks for thinking of me!
 

timer lady

Queen of Hearts
UAN, thank you for sharing your strength - your dignity in this battle. The fact that you went for treatment speaks volumes of self awareness & honesty. by the way, thank you for the card - it's beautiful.
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
(I STILL haven't gotten MY card....:tongue:) hehe.

You know......(thinking insert) ...exhale....

YOU re-read your stuff and you think "Oh, i must come off as crazy, a lunatic...did you know that the word lunatic has to do with the phases of the moon - luna....have no idea where the tic came in unless it has to do with actual tics that only are present during moon phases....then you put them together moon-tics.....lol...moon tics....sounds like a new bug. "My dog didn't have regular tics...he had those night-time critters....moon-tics." Anyway. :tongue:

When I re-read what you write, I see compassion, explanation, education, a willingness to share, keen insight, a want for understanding. I don't see a nut or a crazy woman or even a night time dog biting critter (moon-tic). I just see a friend, who actually took the time to explain to me something that I wanted to know about and was kind enough not to say (#($)(((((( off Star - too personal) or MYOB - it's just a thing, or "Go look up on the internet."

See years ago I had or thought I had Bulemia. I was newley married, and my x was unforgiving of the slightest weight gain. I was also forced to eat meat and couldn't stand the beatings if I didn't. So I did what he wanted, then purged. Then for comfort I'd eat sugary stuff. It just became a habit over a period of years. I had done it for quite a long time and had scaring, stomach problems and while I kept my weight down - it didn't keep me as his one and only. It was an exercise in futility. The reason I stopped eventually was due to pictures of what your insides looked like, the fact that I had a child and someone needed to be around for him. So THAT mental aspect I get. I also went through intense therapy for years to recover from his abuse. Not to mention my own.

So when you lump yourself into "I'm a lunatic, I'm crazy, I wrote this and you must all think I'm nuts?" Nah...(chuckle) You read the stuff I write. Do you think I'm....(wait.....never.....mind) .....Gonna rephrase that....gimme a minute. I write things that I'm sure aren't the norm. ;):tongue: But I write them sometimes to share with people here because I feel safe in getting them out, and down on cyber-paper, and when I share? It leaves what I share open for interpretation of all kinds. Some are sympathetic, some are spanking, some are OH ARE YOU KIDDING? ---but all ARE responsive aren't they? So THAT in itself means - you read it, you cared enough to respond.
You cared.....about...the person that wrote. If you wrote something I don't agree with...okay. I put it out there. But I gave it a try.

A lot of times you can come here and put your thoughts down, and get a plethora of ideas from all the friends you have the "know" you, and read your words and feel what you are saying and 10 people can interpret it 10 different ways....but you may click with one person....and just that one click lets you know you aren't alone. Sometimes that is all it takes in a day to make you feel just () much better about yourself, or to let you know someone shares about THEIR experiences like TM sharing about her Mom...WOW...now you know....you are not alone and someone KNOWS first hand how that feels to watch and knows what it must feel like from a daughter's perspective....so YOU gain insight. VERY COOL...sharing. The beauty in it all ....is that we open up....share....and we're here.

For each other. Hug or spank.....It's for each other.
And you are one of us. And I'm so very glad.
Cause you're just cool.
Even if -----my card is sooooooooooo late. UGH. :tongue:;)
(Look look TM, gcv, KT & Linda got THEIR card....whoopie....) does swirley finger....pft....hahaha.

When I get it ---YOU WILL KNOW!!! (probably hear me) :D

Love ya -
 

trinityroyal

Well-Known Member
Alyssa, I got my card too. It's beautiful. Thank you.

I'm glad to hear some more strength in your voice. Hang in there. It's really really hard at first, so just take it one day at a time. One thing that might work to start with is to not focus on your "magic numbers". Sounds like yours are the numbers on the scale. Mine were too. I haven't weighed myself in over 15 years, because seeing my weight is a HUGE trigger for a relapse. Instead, I go by clothing size and measurements, which don't bother me nearly as much. If clothing size is a trigger for you as well (it is for a lot of us), then pick something else by which you can gauge your overall health, such as muscle tone, or the shiny-ness of your hair.

It's amazing how taking the focus off your trigger seems to take the focus off so many other aspects of the ED.

Sending you hugs and strength.

Trinity
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
Pootie not eats DAT card Auntie G...(sez Pootie)

Go see Mommas post about 2 cards....she crazy...:tongue:
 

1905

Well-Known Member
TM- I'm so sorry about your mother! Thank you Star and everyone for your kindness and understanding. Trinity, I can tell my weight by how my clothes fit. I try not to weigh myself ever, in that place, they woke you up at 4 and weighed everyone. I considered myself one of the larger people there and that was upsetting. My one dear, dear friend weighs 67 pounds. Why am I jealous? I never told on her, but she was spilling her tube feeding out in the sink and mixing about 60% of it with water. My heart just breaks for her. I took my medicine last night- I never took it after the first 2 days, it makes me tired but it makes me "normal". I'm happy with the once a day workouts. I'm struggling but am ok. Thank you- STAR- How could Trinity, who lives in CANADA get hers, but you not yours???? Maybe today! You are all such sweethearts for caring about me.-Alyssa
 

Shari

IsItFridayYet?
I got my card, too, and thank you! Wee and I are diligently working on ours and hope to send them out soon! I kinda like the opportunity being left off the list has given us! :)

As for your struggles, UAN, thank you for sharing, and if you are a lunatic, I'm not even sure what that makes me... Lunatic is the last thing I would think of by reading your posts. Brave, courageous, helpful come to mind...lunatic? I missed that one.
 
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