klmno
Active Member
Ladies, this might be more of a question for those who know the hx of difficult child and myself over the past few years but all I welcome the opinions of all who have kept up with our story . I go back and forth with this a hundred times a day. difficult child could come home and we'll be bombarded with services by people who are inexperienced and aren't even focusing on the real problems in the household. I think of the MST experience, DF's experience, and others. I think of difficult child's future if he comes home and commits another offense against me- not to mention my own safety or what MY personal repercussions will be if he steals, damages, etc, property I'm responsible for at this point. I also have to think of the stress and anxiety it causes us both to bomabard us with this koi and how that increases the likelihood for him reoffending.
on the other hand, I think of how it seems to solidify his future as an adult if he goes to a group home that leads him to 'independent living', encourages them to get a job and on their own (aka quit school) asap, has a 4th anger management course with no additional MH treatment, and never gets the family/internal/MH issues addressed. At worst, he'll be dead, or he'll join a gang and end up incarcerated again- at best he'd become an adult who commits domestic violence. Yes, I think all signs point to that.
It's not my choice, however, I can refuse to allow it if they try to send him home. I would win that fight and I'm positive.
Then, I could spend the little money I have getting an attny to get this in front of a judge so the judge can make the orders, not a PO. I could also save the money and possibly have a chance getting it in front of a judge to fight for what I think is in my son's best interest. While that leaves me with less - or no- chance of winning, it doesn't cost me anything and still lets my son know that I fought for what I thought was best. And, FWIW, I fought an order before the court before and won. However, the toll it took on me was immense.
My dr says don't let him come home, others say let him come home. All I can do is wonder why the PO/super don't have enough sense to figure out that the kid needs an answer that falls between coming home with an inexperienced person giving him a talk about all this and throwing it away altogether and sending him to a group home with gang members. For crying out loud, it's cheaper to do something in between, was recommended by the MH profs, gives difficult child the best chance short and long term, and seems like the only common sense answer to me. But it wasn't "their idea". Yes, that's what I'm hearing. My gut tells me the reason they never considered it is so they can force my hand. But I'm cynical and it doesn't matter anyway- we are where we are now.
on the other hand, I think of how it seems to solidify his future as an adult if he goes to a group home that leads him to 'independent living', encourages them to get a job and on their own (aka quit school) asap, has a 4th anger management course with no additional MH treatment, and never gets the family/internal/MH issues addressed. At worst, he'll be dead, or he'll join a gang and end up incarcerated again- at best he'd become an adult who commits domestic violence. Yes, I think all signs point to that.
It's not my choice, however, I can refuse to allow it if they try to send him home. I would win that fight and I'm positive.
Then, I could spend the little money I have getting an attny to get this in front of a judge so the judge can make the orders, not a PO. I could also save the money and possibly have a chance getting it in front of a judge to fight for what I think is in my son's best interest. While that leaves me with less - or no- chance of winning, it doesn't cost me anything and still lets my son know that I fought for what I thought was best. And, FWIW, I fought an order before the court before and won. However, the toll it took on me was immense.
My dr says don't let him come home, others say let him come home. All I can do is wonder why the PO/super don't have enough sense to figure out that the kid needs an answer that falls between coming home with an inexperienced person giving him a talk about all this and throwing it away altogether and sending him to a group home with gang members. For crying out loud, it's cheaper to do something in between, was recommended by the MH profs, gives difficult child the best chance short and long term, and seems like the only common sense answer to me. But it wasn't "their idea". Yes, that's what I'm hearing. My gut tells me the reason they never considered it is so they can force my hand. But I'm cynical and it doesn't matter anyway- we are where we are now.
). Regardless of what your decision is, the outcome is not not NOT written in stone. Look at thank you. Yes, we've been on several round trips to Hades with- the kid, and absolutely, from age 18-20 was sheer torture as we watched him fumble around and make some *really* bad choices, but ... he survived and he's doing better, and he is the *only* reason he is doing better. We couldn't do it for him. Your kid could crash and burn in either setting, or he could do well in either setting. Again, it is entirely up to him and that's why I really think a huge factor in your decision needs to be how much more *you* can be put thru. It's not selfish to think in those terms. Quite frankly, it's time for difficult child to buck up and get on with his life. I have to admit that I'm a bit concerned that if you do bring him home and it goes bad, it will once again be all your fault (in his eyes) based on some of the things you've shared recently about him being scared and quitting and being "institutionalized". Argh - on the other hand, if you don't bring him home, it will be your fault... so pretty much, you're toast in that regard. So fault and blame need to be removed from the equation, because the reality is, it's *entirely* on difficult child's shoulders at this point, even if he doesn't get it. 
