I have been reading and every time I read, I just feel more and more "relief" of sorts Im not alone. I know I said this before here. I still ask myself why my kids? Why? But you know what? I think Im starting to figure it out, I hate any child/adult having to live with any health or mental problems and of course wish my kids can experience pure relaxation and happiness, no rages no sensory issues, just a normal life. As you all do for yourselves and your kids. My son asked me yesterday if Id ever have another kid and he wants a brother, daughter wants a sister. Well I explained to them Im too old and I already have two kids! My son asked if I could go back and have different kids if I would. "No, it may be hard with all of our different issues but I love you both and would do it all over again." He said "knowing what you'd get?" Yes, I said knowing what Id get. I meant it. Of course it hurts me to see my kids having issues, worrying about their futures, but I love them, their mine and yes, Id have them all over again. And another thing, yes, working is a good thing but I am very fortunate to have been able to spend the extra time I have with my kids by me not working! I wish I had money saved up, my own place by now, but, Im going to try to look at this as a positive experience from now on. Life is too short to lose any time with anyone. I have been so embarrassed about this, so low to the ground for not having that income, but we still have been fortunate overall. This will help me be who Im trying to be currently. Im thinking more and more what Id like to do for a career in the future( a job, any job, will do just fine until then!!) And I have a few things in mind, kind of an addition to the working with animals of course. Still going to learn computer programs etc, but, I just need to figure out how to get my career off the ground, and yes, it involves owning my own business or a partnership! Even if my own business never takes, I still want to be doing what I am thinking of one way or another. And yes because of my kids, my life, my thoughts, other people and their kids, the world issues if you will, I have been really going on this deep thought process. So if ( hopefully when) my plans pan out, Ill let you all know after my kids and dad know!!! ( don't want to jinx myself too much now by saying too much as I usually do) Yes, its been a rough day, but hey, arent most days in one way or another? I can have my relaxing minutes haha Sorry so long!!!!!!!!!!