Im tired of her ruining my day !

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sooooo tired, Aug 23, 2015.

  1. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    I have had an awesome weekend this far!!! So later today I get a voice mail from DCs boyfriend wanting me to call him back and I can hear Difficult Child crying in the background, so he always calls me when he doesnt know what to do with her!! There is absolutely nothing I can do!! Her rants are always the same thing......I hate my life....Im sick of never going anywhere....I hate my boyfriend....Ive already screwed up my life so why try!.....No one gives a **** about me....Why cant you let me move in with you till I get on my feet (which would never happen)....So no I did not call back, but then it keeps running through my head the whole rest of the day!!!! She will be 40 in Feb. When will I ever get a break from this!!!!!!!
  2. Forty!!!! I'm so sorry, So Tired. I would be tired after 40 years of that behavior, too. I didn't know your back story, so I was assuming she was in her 20's.

    I know it's hard, but try not to let that stay in your head. Maybe do something that will keep your mind occupied, like a good movie or a suspenseful novel.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You will get a break from this as soon as you stop getting involved in her life, She is 40, It's time to stop, Why would you call him back? For what reason? You shouldn't be his personal confidante, And you don't need to be your daughter's rescuer either,

    The day you decide you are not going to involve yourself in your daughter's life that way, that is the day you will finally catch a break, By her age you two, in my opinion, should act like two adults, It is nice to be friends with your adult child, If you can't be one, sometimes there is little contact, I do not think it is healthy to be a 40 year old's "mommy," They don't need a mommy, They usually enjoy mature mothers who insist on respect and are nice to talk to, Some adult children never become adults, but we can still back out of being a mommy, We can't live forever, and you dearly deserve to give yourself a break, Nobody can give you a break except you,

    I hope you do it ;) Start by not calling this boyfriend back,
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  4. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    soooo tired, I'm so glad you haven't called back.

    You made a choice. Not to engage.

    We always have choices. We have choices even with our DCs who drive us nuts.

    We don't have to engage. We can set boundaries that create physical separation like you did by not calling back.

    I don't know about you, but there came a day when I decided I was 51% and he was 49%. That was a big day for me.

    I started protecting myself and deciding that I wanted to live a functional life...even more than that...a happy matter what he decided about his own life. That insight was pivotal for me, and even though there were still many days filled with fear and grief about him, those started getting fewer and fewer and I started to have more and more better days and better times.

    We're here for you and we want to support you. Please keep posting and let's walk the path together. Warm hugs tonight.
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  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    You have started. You did not call him back. I wish I could tell you that it's automatic, that when you detach all the emotions just go away but it takes time.
    You are in a much better place than you were a month ago and that is a good thing. Try and stay focused on what went well this weekend, savior those moments.
    An option you might consider is to block the boyfriends phone number. It's a hard step to take and you may not be ready but that is an option, something to think about.
    You know you can't change your daughter, the only one that can change is you and you have started that process. Again, it's going to take time. You are here with us now, you are not in this alone. We are here to support you.
    Try and come up with something to counter these feelings, something to treat yourself. A bubble bath, a walk in the park, a triple scoop of ice cream, something just for you. Something that will help you take your mind off your daughter's situation.
    Hang in there So T. You are doing really well.
    ((HUGS)) to you....................
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  6. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    I love you guys soooo much!!! You make my life easier just knowing your there!
  7. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member


    My son is 34. It took almost two years for husband and me to really separate.

    We found this forum and that was the beginning (I had Googled "How to stop enabling" to find it).

    It did not come easily, nor quickly. It took a lot of ignoring texts and calls. No more trying to reason with our son, no longer telling him much of anything. Just stopping the conversations, stopping all $$. Basically, just stepping way back and focusing on us.

    Again, it was not overnight. It took about 3 months to feel somewhat better and another year to feel really good. husband and I still have shaky moments because Difficult Child will contact us here and there. Still a little guilt here and there, still some what if's? But, absolutely, hands down, no comparison to where we were. You will get there, also.

    Our lives are way better than the old days....when we thought staying engaged was our role as his parents. At one time, we did not realize this was even an option; i think we thought it was our cross to bear--even though we knew (beyond a shadow of a doubt) nothing we were doing was helping our son.

    It is a simple concept, but difficult to internalize for awhile.

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  8. Tyrrell

    Tyrrell New Member

    While reading the section in your post about the boyfriend calling you and asking you what do to about the crying and screaming Difficult Child: the first thing that popped into my head was, " Take her to a therapist!" (Like that would really happen.)
    My Difficult Child daughter who turned 40 several days ago, also equates getting her way ("Let me move back in!" for example) and giving her what she wants with love. I remember the last time I spoke with her she was screaming,"Why don't you love me? Why won't you do what I want?"

    It's tough. Heartbreaking. I'm so sorry that it ruined your day. All you can do, I guess, is to pick yourself up and keep going. It's difficult to not call the boyfriend back. Your baby is crying, for heaven's sake and you want to make her feel better and let her know that you love her, just like you used to do many years ago.

    But if the boyfriend can't handle her and she won't carry on a rational conversation with you, I don't think she can be comforted with what you have to offer her. Which hurts. Hugs, Tyrrell
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  9. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This made me think of a similar situation with Oldest, years ago. Her boyfriend called me one night from work, worried because Oldest was calling him insinuating she was going to hurt herself. He wanted me to go to their apartment to check on her. I took a deep breath and said, "No, I'm sorry, I won't. If you really think she's serious, call 911. But I can't get involved in this." He was shocked, I could tell - and probably angry. But he never called me again after that. (they also broke up a few months later).

    Good for you for not calling back.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think it really helps to remove all the baby and child pictures of the adult who is now still acting like one.

    We need to remember that she or anyof our kids were once a cute baby, yes, but that the reality is they are 20, 30 and even middle aged 40 year olds and are barely related to their cute young selves. Dont tnink of yhem as "my baby" but as what they are: my man or woman who is expecting us to treat them like they are very young in some ways yet think nothing of disregarding OUR needs, abusing us if we dont pay up and blaming us because of whatever will make us feel guilty. They are gtown men and women who selfishly want us to give, give, give...even if it bankrupts us or makes us sick or killd us.

    Do they worry about us? Most middle age adults start to do more for and worry about their aging parents. Most of the adulis we worry about on this forum are selfish, not nice, peter pan adults with entitled expectations of us. At 40 it is inexcusable.

    Stop listening. Set boundaries. Say no money. Disconnect abusive calls. Say "I know you are smart and can do this." Say "I love you enough to not send you money. You are capable." Say "I will talk to u when you are calm. Bye.

    And take down every baby picture so that you remember she is grown up.

    It is not healthy for u or her to let her abuse you or to not mske her stsnd on her own.

    Its hard, but its good for you both.

  11. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    This is one reason I don't care for the term 'difficult child' when talking about our 30+ y/o adult kids--especially middle-aged ones.

    Yes, they are always going to be our children, but we need to see them as they are now--autonomous adults (who have been adults for many years) who are responsible for themselves.


    You are right--enough of this. You are entitled to your own life. Don't put yourself through this any longer. Don't let yourself get sucked into their drama.
    (Her boyfriend must have the patience of a saint to put up with this!) Or something.