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i'm totally spent, i need some advice :)
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<blockquote data-quote="TerryJ2" data-source="post: 210758" data-attributes="member: 3419"><p>Susie and Adrianne have some GREAT ideas.</p><p> </p><p>We've done many things to both accommodate and deliberately NOT accommodate, most of which were suggested by our child psychologist. I'm not very clever when it comes to outsmarting my kids--I was a rule follower as a kid--so it's been helpful to have a pro with-ideas, and also with-a sense of humor.</p><p>I totally agree that building up the child from a little bit to a lot of tolerance is the way to go. They've got to learn to live in the real world. They've got to learn to deal with-their anxiety. They've got to learn to cope.</p><p> </p><p>I always wondered HOW my difficult child would learn to cope. I thought it would be something I would tell him. But it gradually happened as I followed the psychiatric's advice.</p><p>For example, difficult child would ask where we were going when we'd run errands. (I apologize in advance to all of you who have heard this story b4! LOL!) If I changed one tiny thing, he'd have a fit. I mean trashing my entire car. Broken CDs, broken console, broken door handles, screaming, spitting, pulling my hair through signal lights, you name it, all because I went to the P.O. b4 the grocery store when I said I was going to do it the other way around.</p><p>So the psychiatric suggested to deliberately reverse or rearrange the order of the errands to show difficult child that I was in charge, and that he would survive if things were not "just so." </p><p>Yes, difficult child tantrumed and raged.</p><p>Yes, I went on medications. Heh heh. So did he. Sigh.</p><p>And most importantly, yes, it worked! Every day, it works a bit more. </p><p> </p><p>The main thing was the sense of empowerment it gave me. Instead of not knowing why he was flying off the handle, I was causing a meltdown. Yup. Causing it. And a lightbulb went off in my head. Oh, if I can cause a meltdown, I can prevent one. And so can he.</p><p>(Sometimes these psychs actually know what they're doing, LOL!)</p><p>And that concept gave me the emotional strength to continue the "errands." (Of course, this also consisted of dry runs, where I really didn't need to go to the store and planned his meltdown so I could yank him out immediately to teach him that he could not get away with-that. You've got to go through the motions.)</p><p> </p><p>Some days I give him leeway and other days I bite his head off. He lives with-me. I am woman. Hear me roar. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> I can roar as loudly as he can. Of course, it's practiced and measured roaring. Flying off the cuff is not going to help anyone, and it leaves you exhausted.</p><p>My difficult child is now 11 and he occasionally complains when I run errands, but after one or two signal lights, he stops and just lives with-it. I never, ever thought we'd get to this point.</p><p>It can be done.</p><p>It's never too late.</p><p> </p><p>Sometimes these kids can do so much damage, you wonder why you bother at all. My son has ruined so many things in our house, I can't even begin to list them. Okay, twist my arm--I'll tell you that we finally replaced the off-white carpeting last yr (bad color for kids and dogs) with-blue--and within 2 days, difficult child had spilled bleach on it! (Hey, what's $2,500 down the tubes?)</p><p>I didn't yell at him... because he was carrying bleach to his rm to spray his mattress because he still wet the bed. It's his job to take care of his rm. Lord knows, these kids are either too uncoordinated or too manic to do things "right" so it's one of those things where I am just thankful he was doing what he was supposed to do with-o complaining.</p><p> </p><p>I cooled off for 2 wks, and finally came up with-the idea to buy Rit dye at the fabric store and color the spots. It worked!!! It doesn't match perfectly but it's a 90&#37; match. And difficult child is still spraying his mattress ...</p><p> </p><p>Luck and hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="TerryJ2, post: 210758, member: 3419"] Susie and Adrianne have some GREAT ideas. We've done many things to both accommodate and deliberately NOT accommodate, most of which were suggested by our child psychologist. I'm not very clever when it comes to outsmarting my kids--I was a rule follower as a kid--so it's been helpful to have a pro with-ideas, and also with-a sense of humor. I totally agree that building up the child from a little bit to a lot of tolerance is the way to go. They've got to learn to live in the real world. They've got to learn to deal with-their anxiety. They've got to learn to cope. I always wondered HOW my difficult child would learn to cope. I thought it would be something I would tell him. But it gradually happened as I followed the psychiatric's advice. For example, difficult child would ask where we were going when we'd run errands. (I apologize in advance to all of you who have heard this story b4! LOL!) If I changed one tiny thing, he'd have a fit. I mean trashing my entire car. Broken CDs, broken console, broken door handles, screaming, spitting, pulling my hair through signal lights, you name it, all because I went to the P.O. b4 the grocery store when I said I was going to do it the other way around. So the psychiatric suggested to deliberately reverse or rearrange the order of the errands to show difficult child that I was in charge, and that he would survive if things were not "just so." Yes, difficult child tantrumed and raged. Yes, I went on medications. Heh heh. So did he. Sigh. And most importantly, yes, it worked! Every day, it works a bit more. The main thing was the sense of empowerment it gave me. Instead of not knowing why he was flying off the handle, I was causing a meltdown. Yup. Causing it. And a lightbulb went off in my head. Oh, if I can cause a meltdown, I can prevent one. And so can he. (Sometimes these psychs actually know what they're doing, LOL!) And that concept gave me the emotional strength to continue the "errands." (Of course, this also consisted of dry runs, where I really didn't need to go to the store and planned his meltdown so I could yank him out immediately to teach him that he could not get away with-that. You've got to go through the motions.) Some days I give him leeway and other days I bite his head off. He lives with-me. I am woman. Hear me roar. :) I can roar as loudly as he can. Of course, it's practiced and measured roaring. Flying off the cuff is not going to help anyone, and it leaves you exhausted. My difficult child is now 11 and he occasionally complains when I run errands, but after one or two signal lights, he stops and just lives with-it. I never, ever thought we'd get to this point. It can be done. It's never too late. Sometimes these kids can do so much damage, you wonder why you bother at all. My son has ruined so many things in our house, I can't even begin to list them. Okay, twist my arm--I'll tell you that we finally replaced the off-white carpeting last yr (bad color for kids and dogs) with-blue--and within 2 days, difficult child had spilled bleach on it! (Hey, what's $2,500 down the tubes?) I didn't yell at him... because he was carrying bleach to his rm to spray his mattress because he still wet the bed. It's his job to take care of his rm. Lord knows, these kids are either too uncoordinated or too manic to do things "right" so it's one of those things where I am just thankful he was doing what he was supposed to do with-o complaining. I cooled off for 2 wks, and finally came up with-the idea to buy Rit dye at the fabric store and color the spots. It worked!!! It doesn't match perfectly but it's a 90% match. And difficult child is still spraying his mattress ... Luck and hugs. [/QUOTE]
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