Improvements in difficult child and myself (long)

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, Jun 14, 2007.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Well, when I wrote my last note I was hanging on by a thread, but things have improved.

    difficult child has been much better lately... since I spent the night at my friend's house, it forced husband to get onboard (I walked out, but, being responsible, I told everyone where I was going and that I'd be back in the a.m. A few days later, I went to MN to help out--my dad has Alzheimer's, my best friend's dad died, my little sister moved out).
    Since then everyone seems to realize I mean biz and won't back down. I just had to get everyhone's attention.

    The other HUGE factor is that husband wakes up difficult child every single morning and gives him his pill. If it weren't for that, I don't think I'd be living here. There's just such a huge change in difficult child's demeanor after he's had those itty bitty 20 mg.

    Also, part of it was me, escalating things. I have to really pay attention to my reactions. (I realize that also, from re-reading my old notes here, and also from reading a lot of notes simlilar to mine.) I'm taking Effexor, talking to a pro, and most importantly, when difficult child gets rude, I just walk away.

    He still makes noises about not wanting to go to Sylvan but he goes, and he's on time. He got all A's and B's on his year-end report card. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

    When I picked him up on the last day of school, he showed me his report card, and I told him he could have something special. He of course asked for a PS2 and I said, "No, you're not getting one, ever. Try something else."
    "Baseball cards?"
    LOL! (Kids are so funny... $300 or 50 cents?)
    We went straight to Target and got a $6.99 pack of baseball cards and a Reese's peanut butter cup and he was in heaven.

    He loved little league. Their closing ceremonies were last weekend. He finally found a sport in which he excels AND he likes. He got lots of compliments from other parents about his demeanor and skill level. I signed him up for day camp/baseball camp (among other camps). He said he will hate it because it's too long... 9-2. Yeah, right. He'll love it. (He's still a complainer but I'm learning to blow it off.)

    He's doing well not eating as much wheat and that helps the hyperactivity. He's completely given up red dye, and we're going to introduce blue dye Sun. or Mon., since he's been off of it, to see if there's a reaction. He ate ice cream for the 1st time in a bazillion yrs yesterday, only because his sister was babysitting (grr) but otherwise, never, ever complains any more about his almond milk or rice milk. AMEN!

    Mostly, I've noticed that difficult child is not melting down as much... I realize he's on Adderal, but still, he's processing info better. Eg, the other day I picked him up from day camp and told him we were getting gas, and returning a waaaaay overdue book to the library. He had a fit about it the screamed at me for 15 min. yada yada.
    Today I just said, "That's where we're going." And I kept on driving. He shut up. (Whew.)

    Now when he does have a meltdown, it only lasts 20 min. or so. ("Only" is a relative term... parents like us understand that.)

    husband and I had a nice visit with-the child psychiatric the other day... I told husband he HAD to come along ALONE with-me. The dr finally said he thinks that difficult child may be one of those "out of sync" kids, and recommended the book with-the same name, and he said that as difficult child has gotten older, it's easier to see the gap/disconnect between his cognitive skills and emotional level. (Uh-duh!!!) But he said there is light at the end of the tunnel... it's just going to take a lot longer to get there. He spent a lot more time this time asking Qs about difficult child's bparents and his infancy.
    husband has reconciled himself to the fact that both his wife and son are on medications... the very antithesis of his chiro philosophy. Tough. If he wants any peace around here, it's got to be that way, at least for now. Sometimes a philosophy looks great on paper but doesn't work in real life.

    difficult child's room is still pretty bare... one of these days he'll earn back his bookcases and dresser and bedframe... and he's still paying us back for the chandelier glass he broke with-his football, but I've resigned myself to the fact that if he never gets his furniture back, and he never has a "normal" room, it's not the end of the world. (And in fact, breaking the light was actually a pretty normal kid thing.)

    I had to digest the fact that whatever I experience with-him is not going to be traditional childhood, and that I just plain cannot expect to have fun with-him. (I see a lot of moms here who have the same issue... the disappointment and sense of loss, that these kids are just not fun and you don't always like them... and sometimes never like them.)

    Once I grasped that concept, everything just got better. (Okay, the Effexor and a glass of wine at night help, too!)

    I have spent a lot of time playing catch with-him, since he loves baseball, and have let him watch a bit more TV (especially since school is out).

    Detachment is everything. I hope I can keep it up. Thank you all for your support over the last few months.

     
  2. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Terry, the improvements in your life sound good. Chaos can still happen but you have learned coping skills...they will last you a lifetime.....

    Hoping your detaching skills bring you some sanity......

    Thinking of you and your family.....
     
  3. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Terry,
    I'm so glad to hear about the improvements for difficult child and for you. Sounds like you are doing a great job detaching. Hugs to you!
     
  4. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    You've come a long way, baby...

    Thanks for the wonderful update. :flower:
     
  5. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    :thumbsup:

    Terry,

    I appreciate this very positive update. You've learned that it's your reactions, your ownership of the situation that will help you survive. :bravo:

    I'm glad that you've gotten to this point in your life. :flower:

    Again, thanks for sharing with us.
     
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    :bravo:

    Good for you! You have made great strides with difficult child, yourself and your husband!!! AND you came out not drooling on the other side!

    :dance:
     
  7. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    What a great update! :biggrin:

    Life gets easier when things start to come together. Good for you and yours! :bravo:
     
  8. pigless

    pigless New Member

    Wow! I'm really impressed that you got Dr. Chiro onboard with the medications. :bow: What a huge step forward.

    Good for difficult child on his great report card! No PS2 here either; too bad, so sad.

    Here's an idea for those in the car meltdowns: play something on the stereo that only you like and really crank it up. It beats listening to the whining/wailing/moaning. Metallica used to work well for me, but Sir F. now requests them. I had to switch to an old AC/Difficult Child tape that I must have recorded off an 8-track (yes, I'm that old). It is truly horrible and even worse at high volume. It makes the worst tantrum considerably shorter. :wink:
     
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Well, difficult child is now tall enough to sit in the front seat. He constantly plays with-the radio stations, against my wishes, and likes "nice" rap. (Is there such a thing?) When he won't stop it, I usually just say "No music at all," and it all goes off. But since he's been sitting in the front seat, he hasn't had any tantrums, either. Something about control, being side by side, etc. must be a factor. He only has tantrums in the back seat. Hmm.
     
  10. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    Terry,

    Thanks for this great update!!! I'm really proud of you!!! I also, had to learn the hard way that I am in control of my reactions when it comes to dealing with my difficult children. Once I learned that I am in CONTROL of ME, things got much easier. My difficult children don't have the same constant negative impact on me that they used to.

    Of course, this is always easier said than done!!! There are times when my emotions get the better of me!!! However, when this happens, I try to correct the situation ASAP - I put on my running shoes first chance I get. For me, lots of exercise seems to work miracles...

    Another thing that helps me quite a bit is envisioning what I want my life to be like when my nest is finally empty. While the road to my empty nest is full of bumps, sharp turns, detours, etc..., I am DETERMINED to get there!!! This thought keeps me going in my darkest hours.

    Enough about me. You have done an excellent job turning your life around!!! I'm glad that your difficult child has found a sport that he loves. I hope Little League continues to be a positive outlet for your difficult child. It's great when a child finds a sport or hobby that they truly love and you can share in their joy. It's so nice you're playing catch with your difficult child and have found a way to connect with him.

    And, like you, I found that medication was a blessing. Until difficult child 1 was medicated, he was impossible to live with. Now, at least, I can tolerate him. I think that medication is necessary in some cirumstances. It can make a world of difference!!!

    You have really turned your life around!!! You've also managed to get your husband on the same page as you. You're doing better, your husband is doing better, and I can also see how this has made positive changes in your difficult child too. Way To Go!!! :bravo: WFEN
     
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thanks... funny you should post this today... difficult child was snotty this a.m. He did what he was "supposed to do," aka feed the dogs, bring them in, etc., but with-a very snotty attitude and snarly voice. He was the same way last night... then when he went to bed, he wanted to cuddle. Say what? I said, "No thank you, I'm too tired."
    Sigh.
    I think it's because he stayed overnight at the Great Wolf Lodge and was overstimulated and didn't get much sleep.
    I knew the other shoe would drop... at least he isn't violent.
    husband took him out to eat for Father's Day brunch. I went for a walk. I thought about what it would be like to live alone and not have to deal with-an attitude 24/7, and then I felt badly because he can be a cute kid sometimes. Then I had to remind myself of my new motto: NO GUILT!
    Overall, there have been improvements, but every day, there are reminders that he is not a normal kid and this is not a normal household.
    Thanks for the support. We're all in this together, despite the fact I feel like I'm the only one (like you and most of the moms here feel). I'm trying.
     
  12. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I am glad to read YOU are doing better, honestly that really makes a big difference. As you are seeing. Even though our children will still be riding the roller coaster, you will now be able to keep up!!!

    When I started feeling like I could breathe and step back or away it really did help. and a glass of wine here and there!!! oh and the Zoloft... LMAO!

    I am happy for your family.... good job.
     
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