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In a bad place...does anyone have a crystal ball?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 147849" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>How old was your father? When was he born? In what era did he go to school? What sort of understanding was there, for kids who are different or who lack social skills? </p><p></p><p>What I'm trying to say here - your son is growing up in a different world, psychiatry is much more advanced than it was (although some of us would argue it still has a long way to go). </p><p></p><p>When I think of this sort of thing, I think in terms of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) because of the autism in our family. difficult child 1 was not diagnosed when he should have been - in fact, when I asked the specific question when he was 6 years old, "Could he have some form of high-functioning autism?" I was told "absolutely not." Seven years later the understanding had changed sufficiently for the label to now be applied to him. At the same time difficult child 3 was two-and-a-half/three years old, and was immediately assigned the diagnosis that still stands today. So just in those seven years, medical understanding had made significant advances.</p><p></p><p>I think back a generation or two - for various reasons I was seen by a number of psychologists and therapists as a child and teenager. I had psychometric assessments, occupational 'predictions' (I can't think of the professional term, but I do remember one assessment which involved phrenology, of all things - I was 11 at the time) and nobody at any time found anything diagnostically wrong with me; if anything, I was constantly being chided for failing to perform to my potential. I didn't know why I could not - something seemed to be stopping me. With hindsight I do wonder if I had some Aspie signs plus ADD(inattentive), similar to easy child 2/difficult child 2. I was bullied badly and this did a lot of damage, but socially it was a different world where I had to learn to accept that bullying was inevitable and to also to live the phrase, "Children should be seen and not heard". I was an adult, a parent, before my brain finally clicked into place and I was able to study and achieve at last.</p><p></p><p>Looking back further - my father in law. He was dyslexic, almost certainly Asperger's. But because he did his schooling by correspondence (aided by a salt-of-the-earth pioneer Warrior Mum) and lived on a sheep station in the outback, he never had to deal with bullying, never got thrown into the rough and tumble of growing up. By the time he had to learn to get on with larger groups of people he was a young man, at last in the city where his parents had moved in the Depression. He didn't cope so he joined the army and served in WWII where his amazing problem-solving skills and knack for inventions helped him survive three or four POW camps.</p><p></p><p>My cousin - born in 1931 in Sydney, was a genius. It's the only way to describe him. His most obvious ability was in music. His parents recognised this early on and fostered it, nurtured and sheltered him and wrapped him in cotton wool while they arranged for the best tutors. His father abandoned his career in the church to help his son. My eldest sister remembers our cousin sitting at our dining table, aged about 15, sheets of blank manuscript in front of him, as he wrote an orchestral score, line by line, from something playing in his head.</p><p></p><p>But socially he was a problem at times. He had an acid tongue, he was never very good at modesty nor did he suffer fools gladly. He moved to England before I was born but would often visit 'back home', at which times he turned his mother's life upside down (his father died when I was still a child - I think it would have been mid Sixties). Somewhere in his life he found the time and energy to also qualify as a doctor, but never practised medicine - he was too prolific and popular a composer, at the time.</p><p></p><p>He wrote a vast amount of music and was widely celebrated, but due to his social ineptitude made a lot of enemies and these days, despite his once world-wide fame, very few people have heard of him. He died five years ago. I am currently trying to track down samples of his music (which can only be described as 'modern classical'). Apart from a recent re-release of a large collection of his composition for piano, nothing currently exists. When he died he was a sad, lonely man. </p><p></p><p>I am convinced my cousin was Asperger's. He certainly felt an affinity for children with autism and began a world-wide campaign to use music as therapy, at a time when people were still told to put autistic kids in an institution.</p><p></p><p>When difficult child 3 was about two years old he was showing the same early signs as my cousin. I mentioned this to my mother, that I was wondering if difficult child 3 might have been following in my cousin's footsteps. "Oh glory be, I hope not!" was her reply. "You'll never have any peace, he has been such hard work, that man!"</p><p></p><p>My cousin and my father-in-law were fortunate to have been sheltered at a time when mainstream schooling would have been horrendous and hampering for them. But even so, they were never understood very well and were happiest when they could order their own lives to their own special interests and abilities.</p><p></p><p>For whatever reason, your father found the world intolerable. He used drugs to try to break it down into manageable pieces but the trouble with drugs, is that they are very hard to control; soon they control you. In your father's time, in his life, there were far fewer supports, much less understanding, than there is today. Your father never really knew that the way life was for him, need not have been so difficult. Imagine how difficult school must have been, with the degree of strictness there used to be! Now think about what your son's classrooms and teachers have been like - vastly improved.</p><p></p><p>Your son has a much better chance than your father, of realising as he grows up that being a difficult child is not his fault. He has wonderful intelligence and potential, if he can manage to overcome the difficult child-ness that is currently getting in his way. But he has support, he has understanding, he has you on his side and showing him that there are other ways.</p><p></p><p>Your father didn't have that. He didn't even come close to having that. And the attitude to psychiatry in your father's day was one of utter shame if you ever had to consult one, plus the barbaric nature (by modern standards) of a lot of the treatments. Even today, I have a hard time discussing psychiatry or psychology with just about anyone of my parents' generation, they are so scathing and negative about it. I am amazed my mother ever allowed me to be seen by psychologists.</p><p></p><p>The Aspies in my family are also not typical. Aspies we know well do seem more obviously socially inept. When making the movie with the other Aspie/autistic kids, their parents said to me, "Meeting difficult child 1 gives me hope that my son could maybe do that well one day." They were amazed at him, found it hard to believe his diagnosis, they told me (hey, try living with us!)</p><p></p><p>Jen, you are doing everything you can. Your eyes are wide open. There are resources available. You understand.</p><p></p><p>Think of your father - there is no way anybody around him could have had the same support, the same understanding. He would have been constantly chastised for misbehaviour, for inattention, for poor organisation and this undoubtedly from teachers and parents alike. Compared to your son, he would have felt so alone, so unsupported - that sense of always being on the outside, looking in. An outsider, never belonging.</p><p></p><p>Your father's life and those of others like him have been part of the journey that medical science and psychiatry has been on, to get where it is today in terms of better understanding. His grandson can now benefit from this collective knowledge, but for your father, it all took its toll.</p><p></p><p>Have hope, Jen. Be on guard, and maybe your son can have a much happier, productive life without needing to use drugs to numb the pain.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry for your loss - it really hurts, especially when it is suicide. But whenever anyone notes the similarity between the grandfather and the grandson, be grateful that your son is benefiting from this greater understanding and support. For people to smile when they say it - it means that today, they understand. Sixty years ago, they didn't.</p><p></p><p>Hugs, Jen. You're doing a good job.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 147849, member: 1991"] How old was your father? When was he born? In what era did he go to school? What sort of understanding was there, for kids who are different or who lack social skills? What I'm trying to say here - your son is growing up in a different world, psychiatry is much more advanced than it was (although some of us would argue it still has a long way to go). When I think of this sort of thing, I think in terms of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) because of the autism in our family. difficult child 1 was not diagnosed when he should have been - in fact, when I asked the specific question when he was 6 years old, "Could he have some form of high-functioning autism?" I was told "absolutely not." Seven years later the understanding had changed sufficiently for the label to now be applied to him. At the same time difficult child 3 was two-and-a-half/three years old, and was immediately assigned the diagnosis that still stands today. So just in those seven years, medical understanding had made significant advances. I think back a generation or two - for various reasons I was seen by a number of psychologists and therapists as a child and teenager. I had psychometric assessments, occupational 'predictions' (I can't think of the professional term, but I do remember one assessment which involved phrenology, of all things - I was 11 at the time) and nobody at any time found anything diagnostically wrong with me; if anything, I was constantly being chided for failing to perform to my potential. I didn't know why I could not - something seemed to be stopping me. With hindsight I do wonder if I had some Aspie signs plus ADD(inattentive), similar to easy child 2/difficult child 2. I was bullied badly and this did a lot of damage, but socially it was a different world where I had to learn to accept that bullying was inevitable and to also to live the phrase, "Children should be seen and not heard". I was an adult, a parent, before my brain finally clicked into place and I was able to study and achieve at last. Looking back further - my father in law. He was dyslexic, almost certainly Asperger's. But because he did his schooling by correspondence (aided by a salt-of-the-earth pioneer Warrior Mum) and lived on a sheep station in the outback, he never had to deal with bullying, never got thrown into the rough and tumble of growing up. By the time he had to learn to get on with larger groups of people he was a young man, at last in the city where his parents had moved in the Depression. He didn't cope so he joined the army and served in WWII where his amazing problem-solving skills and knack for inventions helped him survive three or four POW camps. My cousin - born in 1931 in Sydney, was a genius. It's the only way to describe him. His most obvious ability was in music. His parents recognised this early on and fostered it, nurtured and sheltered him and wrapped him in cotton wool while they arranged for the best tutors. His father abandoned his career in the church to help his son. My eldest sister remembers our cousin sitting at our dining table, aged about 15, sheets of blank manuscript in front of him, as he wrote an orchestral score, line by line, from something playing in his head. But socially he was a problem at times. He had an acid tongue, he was never very good at modesty nor did he suffer fools gladly. He moved to England before I was born but would often visit 'back home', at which times he turned his mother's life upside down (his father died when I was still a child - I think it would have been mid Sixties). Somewhere in his life he found the time and energy to also qualify as a doctor, but never practised medicine - he was too prolific and popular a composer, at the time. He wrote a vast amount of music and was widely celebrated, but due to his social ineptitude made a lot of enemies and these days, despite his once world-wide fame, very few people have heard of him. He died five years ago. I am currently trying to track down samples of his music (which can only be described as 'modern classical'). Apart from a recent re-release of a large collection of his composition for piano, nothing currently exists. When he died he was a sad, lonely man. I am convinced my cousin was Asperger's. He certainly felt an affinity for children with autism and began a world-wide campaign to use music as therapy, at a time when people were still told to put autistic kids in an institution. When difficult child 3 was about two years old he was showing the same early signs as my cousin. I mentioned this to my mother, that I was wondering if difficult child 3 might have been following in my cousin's footsteps. "Oh glory be, I hope not!" was her reply. "You'll never have any peace, he has been such hard work, that man!" My cousin and my father-in-law were fortunate to have been sheltered at a time when mainstream schooling would have been horrendous and hampering for them. But even so, they were never understood very well and were happiest when they could order their own lives to their own special interests and abilities. For whatever reason, your father found the world intolerable. He used drugs to try to break it down into manageable pieces but the trouble with drugs, is that they are very hard to control; soon they control you. In your father's time, in his life, there were far fewer supports, much less understanding, than there is today. Your father never really knew that the way life was for him, need not have been so difficult. Imagine how difficult school must have been, with the degree of strictness there used to be! Now think about what your son's classrooms and teachers have been like - vastly improved. Your son has a much better chance than your father, of realising as he grows up that being a difficult child is not his fault. He has wonderful intelligence and potential, if he can manage to overcome the difficult child-ness that is currently getting in his way. But he has support, he has understanding, he has you on his side and showing him that there are other ways. Your father didn't have that. He didn't even come close to having that. And the attitude to psychiatry in your father's day was one of utter shame if you ever had to consult one, plus the barbaric nature (by modern standards) of a lot of the treatments. Even today, I have a hard time discussing psychiatry or psychology with just about anyone of my parents' generation, they are so scathing and negative about it. I am amazed my mother ever allowed me to be seen by psychologists. The Aspies in my family are also not typical. Aspies we know well do seem more obviously socially inept. When making the movie with the other Aspie/autistic kids, their parents said to me, "Meeting difficult child 1 gives me hope that my son could maybe do that well one day." They were amazed at him, found it hard to believe his diagnosis, they told me (hey, try living with us!) Jen, you are doing everything you can. Your eyes are wide open. There are resources available. You understand. Think of your father - there is no way anybody around him could have had the same support, the same understanding. He would have been constantly chastised for misbehaviour, for inattention, for poor organisation and this undoubtedly from teachers and parents alike. Compared to your son, he would have felt so alone, so unsupported - that sense of always being on the outside, looking in. An outsider, never belonging. Your father's life and those of others like him have been part of the journey that medical science and psychiatry has been on, to get where it is today in terms of better understanding. His grandson can now benefit from this collective knowledge, but for your father, it all took its toll. Have hope, Jen. Be on guard, and maybe your son can have a much happier, productive life without needing to use drugs to numb the pain. I am sorry for your loss - it really hurts, especially when it is suicide. But whenever anyone notes the similarity between the grandfather and the grandson, be grateful that your son is benefiting from this greater understanding and support. For people to smile when they say it - it means that today, they understand. Sixty years ago, they didn't. Hugs, Jen. You're doing a good job. Marg [/QUOTE]
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