In a "Lose-Lose" Position...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DaisyFace, Jan 29, 2013.

  1. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    I don't know whether I'm just venting - I think mainly, I am looking for understanding...

    I am tired of being in the "lose-lose" position of being difficult child's Mom.

    Any other adult gets the "sweet and charming" version of difficult child - I get the nasty stuff. Everything coming out of difficult child's mouth is a lie. All of it. Good stuff. Bad stuff. It doesn't matter - none of it is true....and honestly, I don't know whether difficult child can even tell the difference between "truth" and "lies".

    This week, for example, there is an ROTC event to which parents are invited. I would like to go and cheer on my daughter.

    difficult child cannot even give me a straight answer as to what time it starts. (10am - no 9am. I don't know....10 or 9, I guess - just come whenever you want.) husband is so disgusted with the bs he's not coming. It's hard to blame him.

    Report cards came out this week. difficult child says she "didn't get hers"....but that's OK - because grades don't matter to her. Besides, she's going to ace her way out of all of her final exams by getting good grades during the semester. The reality? - she's failing math. If she doesn't pass - she won't graduate. Good thing grades don't matter...

    I feel like I just cannot win, with this kid, ever. I can't support her in positive things - I can't help her through negative things. No matter what - I'm the nasty, b*tchy, horribly unsupportive Mean Mom who should have known what time the event was or should have known that difficult child needed help with her homework or shoulda, woulda, coulda some other thing....and no matter what, this all just proves that Mom does not love her.

    Instead, difficult child wants to share her successes and failures with other adults - other people who are SOOO much better than Mom in every way.

    And if I may confess something?

    Sometimes I do wish that difficult child does NOT participate in something or other, because it is less painful that way. It's easier on the heart to listen to difficult child complain that she is not this, that or the other thing - than listen to how great it was that Mr. R came to her concert or that Mrs. M was smiling in the front row...Oh, Mom was there, too? Oh...

    Does that make me a bad person?
  2. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Nope! been there done that! It sucks but the truth is it is hard to not have anything you do appreciated. It is hard to never win no matter what you do. My difficult child is the same way. If I step up to be a part of something I am overbearing and get alot of guff. If I don't bother then I am a horrible mother for not being supportive.

    Right now she is with the grands living it up and hasn't texted or called me for anything other than help getting a new cell phone when hers broke. No personal contact at all other than the one time I texted and told her I loved her. On the other hand she had no problem using it against me in therapy that I wasn't contacting her. Well guess what the cell phone works both ways she hasn't contacted me either.

    It is dissapointing to never get the good side of having a child and I completely understand where you are coming from.
  3. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    No, it does not make you a bad person. I get a milder version of this with my difficult child sometimes. He says that I only go to his things, like concerts or sporting events that he is participating in, because I'm his mom and I "have" to be there. If I don't go then that will just prove to everyone else what he's been saying all along: that I'm a terrible mother who does not love her son. I have felt the same way you feel. Nothing I ever do is good enough for him. I could be his best cheerleader, but he only remembers that Gram and Grandpa were there.

    It's frustrating and hurtful because you want to see her do well and succeed, but it only opens you up to ever more criticism. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I can only say that I understand completely how you feel.
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    My refrigerator is covered with pictures and crafts and gifts from both my kids when they were very little. There are cut-outs of their hands and first Valentine's cards - things that are just too precious to put away in box.

    difficult child cannot see that any of her items are on that fridge. She tells anyone who will listen that I have kept everything from DS and nothing from her - because I don't love her! When a behavior therapist in our home confronted me on this - wanting me to think about how that must make poor difficult child feel - I literally dragged that woman to my fridge and showed her all of the items that belong to difficult child.

    Therapist then confronted difficult child - who didn't seem to realize that I had all of those items. She just knew that I would not have kept anything SHE made.
  5. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    Ah, yes! The "poor difficult child" thing. It's amazing how they can convince anyone who will listen about how no one loves them or cares about them, yet when they are confronted with proof of the contrary, it's never enough evidence. It's just never enough.

    A friend asked me one time how I feel about being the parent of difficult child, and I told her that I feel resentful about it, for all of the reasons stated in this thread. Daisy, I don't know if you feel that way, but if you do, you are not alone.
  6. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    I know what you are saying....I don't know if "resentful" is quite the right word. It's kind of a helpless sadness - a resignation to hurt - an aching - and definitely jealousy. Jealous not only of parents of PCs - but I'm also jealous of the people for whom difficult child "pretends". I'm jealous of the people who get to see difficult child's charming side. I'm jealous of the joys she chooses to share with them...

    And that makes me sad all over again, because that charming, sharing person is not really 'real' - it's a just a persona difficult child adopts with strangers.
  7. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    Hi Daisy,

    I'm sorry you are going through this.

    Your daughter has a personality disorder. Sadly, this is who she is. :-(

    She is this way with you and not other people, because she spends the most time with you. You know her and call her on her lies. Other people don't spend enough time with her to see her truth. (If she is like my difficult children, she makes sure people don't know who she really is by making sure she doesn't spend enough time with others so they can to figure her out.) It's not you; it is her. Until she makes the changes as to how she treats others, this is the way it is going to be. And honestly? She may never do that. :-(

    Question: do you want to go to the ROTC event or do you feel your suppose to go because you're the mom?
  8. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    I want to go because I am in denial of the reality.

    In my head, I always picture myself sitting in the audience with a big smile on my face and watching as my child performs. My child will be SOOO proud of herself - and so eager to share the experience with me. Afterward, she will want to talk with me about it, in that breathless, excited way. Did I see her? What did I think? Did I like this part of the show? Did I see how there was almost a mistake?

    But that's never how it is. I sit in the audience. difficult child does her thing....and leaves to go sit, talk, and be with other people. Usually I have to go track her down if I want to see her afterward...and then she just wants to talk to or about somebody else. (Oh hey, I'm hanging out with so-and-so over here - we're waiting for her ya later...)

    And then, much later, when we finally have a chance to talk about the show - it's all about how this person scr*wed up or that person did the wrong thing.

    So - do I want to go to the event and experiece the sort of thing that usually happens? Truthfully - no.

    I want to go and get my happy moment....


    This just stinks.
  9. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    Maybe your happy moment will be found in not going and spending time with your husband and DS. IF she asks why didn't you go, tell her she never let you know the time and place, even when you asked. Repeatedly. Maybe a natural consequence will be the smack of reality she needs. But probably not....
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    And, unfortunately, that approach just provides more "real" ammo to prove she isn't loved.
    At least by being there... it's like the pictures on the fridge. She can complain to anybody, but you have the pictures to prove otherwise...

    Unfortunately, we really don't want to go to stuff just to cover our own backsides... but sometimes that is how it works.
  11. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    And, unfortunately, that approach just provides more "real" ammo to prove she isn't loved.
    At least by being there... it's like the pictures on the fridge. She can complain to anybody, but you have the pictures to prove otherwise...

    Unfortunately, we really don't want to go to stuff just to cover our own backsides... but sometimes that is how it works.

    Oh, believe me I know. I'd still do it and document it all. Hold her accountable. Daisy could throw her difficult child a parade everyday...with a laser show...and her name written in the sky, and it would never be good enough. Ever. I know. Her difficult child, like my difficult children, live in their own reality. The truth means nothing. Unfortunately, Daisy and her family are hoovered in to difficult child's world 24/7. Eventually, that needs to stop and difficult child be held accountable for her choices and actions.
  12. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    I think... maybe... you're also still hoping that 5... 10... years from now... or when she has kids of her own... that you being there WILL have meant something, even if it doesn't mean something now.
  13. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    You are not alone. I keep Eeyore very limited in what he gets to join. It is hard on the heart to deal with his delusions of granduer and the embarressment.

    Parenting difficult children just hurts.
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, I'm so sorry, DF. I can totally feel your hurt. It just goes on and on.
    And I agree with-the others, this is truly who your difficult child "is." I don't see how anything can change it. All you can do, is the right thing, and somehow accept that in your daughter's eyes, it won't be right. Her reality is not yours or ours.

    What ever happened with-the school musical she was supposed to be in? I don't remember reading a note about whether it really happened.
  15. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    And that, for me, would be a good reason to go. Because sometimes it does work like that. And because even small chance of that makes it worth it.
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yes, I forgot to note that in my response: I would go to the ROTC event no matter what. Make sure she sees you but do not expect anything from her.
    There's got to be another way to find out what time the event takes place. The school office should be able to give you the email or ph # of the Sgtmstr.
  17. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    DF... :hugs:

    I know. All too well, I know. Onyxx does it deliberately - makes sure I know I am nothing but a STEPmother. To be STEPPED on... I love her anyway, which is why it hurts so danged much. (If you walk into her room, the only pictures she has visible are her and her mother, and her and her deceased sister. The ones of us, biogma, Jett, Meggie - are in a drawer under some trash. I wouldn't have noticed if husband hadn't pointed it out.) Everyone else is more important than the people who care the most - not just me, but husband and Jett, and her grandparents. And it is so much like your difficult child. If you go, you feed the drama, if you don't go, you don't love her.

    She's 17... I'd say go if YOU want to but don't even bother telling her.
  18. Karenvm

    Karenvm Member

    My 17 year old son sounds exactly like your daughter! The lies... It is unreal! And he is often so far from reality (just like your math class example). I have no advice, but please know you are not alone!
  19. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    MY difficult child #1 who I now list as easy child 2 was like that but now as an adult she does appreciate me for the most part. She still has her moments but overall we have a good relationship and enjoy each others company. She did many years of therapy to get to this point but it helped. So hang in there keep being mom and show up. -RM
  20. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    We had something like this happen before Christmas. The middle school does this assembly for the kids who make honor roll. The parents get invited to come and see their child's name get announced. They walk across the stage, get congratulated by the principal and the vp, and get a reward. When the ceremony for the first quarter rolled around I rearranged my whole morning to be there. Then something triggered him that morning and he just finally screamed at me not to even bother to go because he didn't want me there because he knows I really didn't want to go because I don't love him, anyway. So, I didn't go. And in all honesty, I didn't even feel badly about it.

    When he got home that afternoon he said he was sorry and that he really DID want me there, but by the time he calmed down and realized this he was being marched to the assembly. I looked right at him and said, "It must have really sucked being the only kid there who didn't have his family there to cheer for him."

    Maybe he learned something that day. That is really is nice to have your mom there cheering for you, regardless of whether he thinks I want to be there or not.