In and out of rebab etc.

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Feb 28, 2016.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hi Everyone,

    I was getting so confused and missing what was going on with folks that I started following the timeline on my iPad and then posting some in the PE forum thinking the rest of you were more clear about this process than I was. Nancy asked me to come back and post what is going on here so I am doing that..... And I see that a lot of posts have been going on here and I have just been seeing them on the time line.

    Anyway don't know where I last left off but my son went to rehab last July. Did well for 3 months... Relapsed and went back to detox.... Went to a couple of sober livings which were not great and got kicked out of those.... Finally ended up in another sober living then a friend visited from out of town and he relapsed again! This time he got himself into a residential program for a week on his own which was progress.....

    And I must say I think the current IOP he has been going to and the sober living really have his best interested at heart and want to help him. So last week a different friend visited from back home and he relapsed again. He told us which was good.... But also played me some for money.

    And I am just getting so sick of all of this. So Thursday night the current sober living told him he need to find himself another place to stay for a few nights while he figures things out. So he took the bus out to the beach and stayed on the beach. Then on Friday he called us trying to figure out what to do.... And basically we told him to figure it out. The IOP told him if he could get there Saturday they would give him something to eat and he could take a nap. So I did get him some money to get the bus back but he had to sleep on the street again.

    I have a terrible cold and worrying about him is not helping me get the sleep I need!

    So yesterday we talked to him and he told us that he had lost everything on the beach. His computer and bike had been stolen. At first I was just so bummed for him and kind of heartbroken for him. And then I thought well maybe this will be the lesson he needs to figure out that his doing it his way is just not working for him.

    I think he does want to be sober but I am not sure he has been willing to do what it takes to stay sober.

    So the sober living he has been in is associated with one program that he has not been crazy about but they basically had told him if he relapsed again he would have to go back and do their partial hospitalization program. So yesterday he did decide to do that.

    A person from the program called me last night and said they were picking him up and admitting him there. And she basically said we shall see where he is in 3 days... He needs to let go of his ego and just surrender to doing it our way.

    I think she is right. At this point he needs to make getting and staying sober his number one priority... It comes before everything else.

    The good news is there are people out there who care about him who do really want to help him.... Now he just has to let them.

    So at least for now I can sleep cause I know he is safe. We are going on vacation in a week with our daughter and hopefully he will still be there so we can just relax and enjoy ourselves.

    Nancy asked how I stay so calm during all these relapses. Well I don't always but I sure have had a lot of practice! What really keeps me calm is the serenity prayer and the knowledge that there is not much I can do. It really is his journey.
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Well he called tonight and we had a really good conversation. He is getting there even if it is really slowly. He said that last summer he knew he really needed help but then he got it into his head he could drink moderately and he has just proved to himself that that is not true. He is not feeling good right now because he is detoxing. I asked him more about that and he has been drinking until he blacks out and then can't remember what happened. That's how his stuff got stolen.....

    So he says he is committed and clearly his way has not been working.

    He is also realizing his of which is women and yeah he probably needs to stay single for awhile. And he shared he realizes adoption is a big issue for him....I have known that for a long time but this is the first time he has acknowledged it.

    So it is way to early to tell but at least for now he is saying the right things.
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh TL, doesn't your heart just break for him? I can't believe he wants to be this way, I just don't think he wants to do what it takes to change. It sounds like he has so much going on in his hear. In some ways I'd like to shake him. You have stood by him, loved him, supported him and given him every opportunity and yet this adoption thing is so powerful that there is a hole in his heart that he can't fill.

    You know when we go into adoption we think as long as we do all the right things everything will be ok. At least for me I never realized it wasn't about me, it was about her. Until she could resolve her issues she could not love herself and couldn't love us.

    Like I said before I wish there was a medical way to attack the addiction gene and fix it. I hope you son finds a way, a motivation, to finally change his path and get off this merry go round.
  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TL, our kids are so much alike. My daughter is going to her 5th Inpatient rehab tomorrow. I truly believes she wants to be sober but she wants it to just magically happen. so far, she has not been willing to put in the hard work that it takes.

    Her latest idea is to get the Vivitrol shot. She thinks it will help with her cravings. After doing a lot of research, there does seem to be a trend toward medical management for addiction. Particularly with opiate addiction. The Vivitrol is also supposed to help with alcohol dependence.

    Of course, all of this takes money. We were lucky that our daughter was able to get an Obamacare insurance policy since she moved and it was a qualifying event. It is completely covering the cost of the inpatient stay (the facility waived the $2500 deductible) and I am hoping it will cover the Vivitrol shots. Otherwise, she will not be able to get them as they cost $1000 per month.

    I read what you said in another post about your son having mental health issues but that you believed that addiction was his primary issue. My therapist has told me that over and over. My daughter does have some mental heath issues but they can be treated with medications and she can have a fully functioning life if she could stop the substance abuse.

    Oh, and one more thing. When my daughter talked to the intake people at the newest rehab here in Georgia, they asked her about where she had been before. As she told them about the past four years of going from Inpatient to IOP to halfway houses and then repeating the cycle over and over, they said, "Oh, we have a name for that. We call it the South Florida shuffle."

  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Nancy my heart has broken for him so many times..... I am really glad though that he is starting to look a the adoption issue because I do think it is a key issue for him. Sad that somehow as their moms we can't make up for the loss they feel.... And it is interesting how some kids are more resiliant in this issue than others. My daughter is also adopted and she acknowledges the issues and definitely thinks that is an issue for her brother which she understands..... But she somehow has a different handle on it and can see that her birth mother was just trying to make the best decision for her and has somehow resolved it within herself. I think that probably has a whole lot to do with her innate personality which tend to look at the positive side of things.

    That's funny about the South Florida shuffle... My son has literally been all over the country going from one place to another. I just hope that they both can figure it out this time.
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    TL are your two children related to one another, i.e. same birth parents?
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Couldn't agree more. I have a very good friend who adopted her two daughters. The older one struggled and still does, with her identity. She found her birth father three years ago and never told her parents. She recently got pregnant and moved in with him and his girlfriend. She changed her name, both first and last name (a real kick in the gut to the parents that loved and raised her for 22 years). That lasted three months and she now wants to move back with her parents. She decided they weren't as bad as she thought. Their younger daughter has never expressed a desire to find her birth parents and is very well adjusted. Resilience.

    For as much as my daughter said she hated us and wanted to find her birth mother and move in with her, she now has done a complete 180. The cards we get for birthdays and holidays are full of how much she appreciates our love and support and that she doesn't know where she would be without us. I was driving to a family shower 4 hours away this weekend with both the girls. My older daughter is getting married this summer so we were talking about changing her name. My difficult daughter announced that when she got married she was not going to take her new husband's name, that she wanted our last name, her dad's. I was shocked.

    I think if your son learned how to be comfortable in his own skin and could learn how to love himself the substance abuse would follow. I have always felt they needed more qualified adoption therapists to help guide our special children.
  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I agree with all that you say. My daughter does want to meet her birtmother some day and talks about it. But she and I have a very close relationship and I know she and I will remain close. I think my son has some anger towards his birth other even though she clearly loved him and tried to make the best choice for him.

    I do think if my son could accept and love himself that it would make all the difference in the world. That would be the key to him being able to have good relationships with women..... And those not so great relationships are a big trigger for his substance use. And of course learning how to deal with all his feelings in healthier ways.

    He just called me.... And he is still sounding good.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Totally agree that adoption is a big issue to even a well adjusted child. Jumper, my very well adjusted kiddo, said once that afoption should be considered a special need. It is!! It can make achild vulnerable abd DNA is huge too.