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In law update: husband is a victim of their influence
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<blockquote data-quote="gcvmom" data-source="post: 369967" data-attributes="member: 3444"><p>husband had a bad day at work yesterday -- bunch of stuff went wrong and it was very frustrating and stressful for him. He didn't get home until nearly 9pm, and when he did, I could see he was upset.</p><p> </p><p>He got ready for bed right away and I went up to talk to him for a bit to see how he was doing. Geez, talk about the flood gates opening...</p><p> </p><p>We started talking about work, but then it quickly morphed into a convoluted hour-long mess over his parents. He accused me of not caring about them, of having no compassion for them, and not wanting to be around them. Okay, the first two are not true, but I'll cop to the last one, although not to husband -- he doesn't need to know that. </p><p> </p><p>Everything that came out of his mouth was an attack on me and I could see it was based on some kind of guilt he feels over their situation. They have no money. They have no entertainment. They have no friends. They are isolated. Their life sucks, IOW. For every example I gave of how his parents had plenty of options for solving their problem, he had an excuse for why it doesn't work, and a justification for why they deserve better. I finally shut up and just let him rant. When he got quiet, I asked if he wanted to talk about anything else. He didn't, so I went back downstairs. I wasn't mad. I'm not changing my opinion of them, though. I have every right to my feelings and reminded him of that when he got put out that I disagree with him on a number of points about his parents. He accuses me of not being able to have an "adult" conversation about them because it turns into a disagreement -- to which I said that just because we disagree doesn't mean we can't talk about it. He has some kind of codependent perception that in order to have "permission" to do something I have to be in agreement with him. Sigh. </p><p> </p><p>After about 20 minutes, he came downstairs and apologized, telling me he was sorry, that he loved me, reminding me that I know how crazy he gets when parents are around and explained that his evening medications hadn't kicked in and that's why he was ranting. That was very touching. But it also tells me that underneath his medicated bipolar is a person who feels very connected and obligated to his parents, and that their influence in the way of guilt still leaves a very strong mark on him. And when his medications are not in full effect, his raw emotions, including anxieties, rise to the surface and they cloud his every thought. When he gets like that, there is no reasoning with him and it's best to just not engage.</p><p> </p><p>I don't know if he's going to end up sending them money on a regular basis again or not. I won't give him my blessing, but I won't stop him from doing it either.</p><p> </p><p>The sense of entitlement in this family just blows me away, though. All the kids have this idea that his parents sacrificed everything for the family and deserve to have everything done for them now. That's a nice sentiment, but being an outsider, I tend to be the one to point out the facts about the emperor's clothes, Know what I mean?? And husband doesn't like that. Because that would mean he'd have to admit his parents are responsible for their own situation, including all the poor choices they've made along the way.</p><p> </p><p>Saturday is their anniversary party. sister in law#1 is hosting it at her husband's restaurant and asked if we could chip in $30 for tipping the servers. Hey, I have absolutely no problem with that. She also asked if I could bring a balloon arrangement for the party. Again, no problem -- I can do that.</p><p> </p><p>What I do have a problem with is husband telling me that he thinks his parents only have about $2 in their pocket (what happened to the $300 he sent them to cover their trip out here?) and that their big night out means sharing a burger at McD's and having a 59 cent cup of coffee. (Can you hear the violins playing the entitlement song?) Well, if things are so dang tight, why did have they been to Vegas TWICE this month? The "explanation" is they were invited for a "free" slot tournament. Well, we all know how that song goes...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="gcvmom, post: 369967, member: 3444"] husband had a bad day at work yesterday -- bunch of stuff went wrong and it was very frustrating and stressful for him. He didn't get home until nearly 9pm, and when he did, I could see he was upset. He got ready for bed right away and I went up to talk to him for a bit to see how he was doing. Geez, talk about the flood gates opening... We started talking about work, but then it quickly morphed into a convoluted hour-long mess over his parents. He accused me of not caring about them, of having no compassion for them, and not wanting to be around them. Okay, the first two are not true, but I'll cop to the last one, although not to husband -- he doesn't need to know that. Everything that came out of his mouth was an attack on me and I could see it was based on some kind of guilt he feels over their situation. They have no money. They have no entertainment. They have no friends. They are isolated. Their life sucks, IOW. For every example I gave of how his parents had plenty of options for solving their problem, he had an excuse for why it doesn't work, and a justification for why they deserve better. I finally shut up and just let him rant. When he got quiet, I asked if he wanted to talk about anything else. He didn't, so I went back downstairs. I wasn't mad. I'm not changing my opinion of them, though. I have every right to my feelings and reminded him of that when he got put out that I disagree with him on a number of points about his parents. He accuses me of not being able to have an "adult" conversation about them because it turns into a disagreement -- to which I said that just because we disagree doesn't mean we can't talk about it. He has some kind of codependent perception that in order to have "permission" to do something I have to be in agreement with him. Sigh. After about 20 minutes, he came downstairs and apologized, telling me he was sorry, that he loved me, reminding me that I know how crazy he gets when parents are around and explained that his evening medications hadn't kicked in and that's why he was ranting. That was very touching. But it also tells me that underneath his medicated bipolar is a person who feels very connected and obligated to his parents, and that their influence in the way of guilt still leaves a very strong mark on him. And when his medications are not in full effect, his raw emotions, including anxieties, rise to the surface and they cloud his every thought. When he gets like that, there is no reasoning with him and it's best to just not engage. I don't know if he's going to end up sending them money on a regular basis again or not. I won't give him my blessing, but I won't stop him from doing it either. The sense of entitlement in this family just blows me away, though. All the kids have this idea that his parents sacrificed everything for the family and deserve to have everything done for them now. That's a nice sentiment, but being an outsider, I tend to be the one to point out the facts about the emperor's clothes, Know what I mean?? And husband doesn't like that. Because that would mean he'd have to admit his parents are responsible for their own situation, including all the poor choices they've made along the way. Saturday is their anniversary party. sister in law#1 is hosting it at her husband's restaurant and asked if we could chip in $30 for tipping the servers. Hey, I have absolutely no problem with that. She also asked if I could bring a balloon arrangement for the party. Again, no problem -- I can do that. What I do have a problem with is husband telling me that he thinks his parents only have about $2 in their pocket (what happened to the $300 he sent them to cover their trip out here?) and that their big night out means sharing a burger at McD's and having a 59 cent cup of coffee. (Can you hear the violins playing the entitlement song?) Well, if things are so dang tight, why did have they been to Vegas TWICE this month? The "explanation" is they were invited for a "free" slot tournament. Well, we all know how that song goes... [/QUOTE]
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In law update: husband is a victim of their influence
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