Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
Inappropriate behaviour?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 184719" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>"Stories like that make me wonder why anyone would remain living in such a terrible environment."</p><p></p><p>With my friend, she got married fairly young. Her sister got engaged soon after, so both girls got out of the house while very young.</p><p></p><p>Their mother - complex problem but the logic makes sense, in a warped kind of way. She "had to get married" but kept it all very secret, her eldest daughter was just a bit premature, that was all. A two month premature ten pound baby... yeah, right. But she had married someone her parents didn't approve of. And for him - he had no life to go back to. It was wartime Britain. They only had each other, and their new family. </p><p></p><p>I think the man's wife spent her life feeling that she had to justify her decision to get married to whom and when she did, and needed to find another reason other than the shameful one (which she never admitted to) and so 'invented' the myth of undying love. All through their marriage when his behaviour was so bad, the woman dealt with it by telling herself it wasn't that bad; the girls didn't mind; "he's only joking" (which he used to say often, especially if challenged by someone he was tormenting); and always the fiction that Daddy is right, he is the head of the household, his will was law.</p><p></p><p>As they both got older and more infirm, he resisted all efforts to bring in outside help. His wife was in constant pain from degenerative spine and osteoartritis and was going blind, but he wouldn't allow her to use a walking stick so SHE loudly insisted that she didn't need one. She kept telling everyone, more and more, that they had been in love for sixty years and would die in each other's arms.</p><p>He got worse as dementia added to the problems. It was very sad to watch them both deteriorate, to see that they needed help but to know they would never get it. She was drinking heavily in order to deal with the increasing pain as well as to numb herself to his moods. There was at least one incident where my friend dropped in to check on them and found her father in bed asleep, he had been there like that for three days. His wife had over-medicated him (we think deliberately) and had not called the doctor when he failed to rouse. But to call an ambulance would have put one or other of them in hospital and neither would have ever been allowed to go back home. They knew it and because HE would have made such a fuss (and she was both afraid of that, and also needing to continue the fiction of her life which by now was deeply ingrained) she refused to allow him to be taken to hospital.</p><p></p><p>Then he fell. Long story, but some sort of accident was inevitable. He broke his hip. And because it happened out in public, they couldn't just pretend nothing had happened as they had with previous falls (they found she had broken ribs and a cracked pelvis from old injuries that had been unreported). They had no choice but the hospital. And even there, she STILL insisted he was OK and they could both be sent home, she tried to refuse to allow him to be admitted.</p><p></p><p>My friend had to step in and get her mother committed as an involuntary patient, so she could get her father admitted for treatment. From that point on, the wife refused to see her husband. It was as if he didn't exist. Meanwhile he was asking for her.</p><p>His wife was too weak to be allowed to go see him. They discovered she was badly malnourished and her spine was a mess. She had been drunk on admission. She went into DTs during her time in the psychiatric ward.</p><p></p><p>My friend had been waiting for the chance/need to step in and make arrangements. The house was cleaned up (and cleaned out) then put on the market. A nursing home was found for her father, attached to a retirement hostel for the mother. On discharge, the mother went straight to the retirement hostel. She was still refusing to see her husband and wouldn't even ask after him.</p><p></p><p>Then he was ready to be moved. He would never walk again, his dementia was too bad for him to learn. He also was failing to recover from the injury and subsequent surgery - he too had been malnourished. But as he was dying, when he had a few hours left, they took her to sit with him. My friend said she seemed bewildered, very self-absorbed. But she stayed there while he died.</p><p></p><p>I remember her at the funeral. She was playing the grieving widow to the hilt and most people were totally hooked in by it, giving her all the sympathy she was milking. I remember her leaning over to me telling me how her darling husband had died in her arms, just as they had always wanted. I believe technically that was true. But only technically. Of course I didn't say anything - no point. She had already rewritten the story, as she had done all the girls' lives. In her mind, what she chose to believe/remember was truth. Very sad.</p><p></p><p>She had another few years during which time she gained back a lot of her strength and energy, but she was very self-absorbed most of the time, behaving like a spoilt child. 'What did you bring me?"</p><p>I remember joking with my friend that her mother was now 'channelling' her late husband. But at least the girls were happy to make sure their mother was cared for and kept as pain-free as possible, in her last years.</p><p></p><p>Very sad. And also very sad to see it perpetuate.</p><p></p><p>People choose their own truths according to what they can handle and will often put up with abuse if they feel the alternative (shame? Being shown to have made a sad mistake?) is far worse. How often do we hear people say, "I'd rather die than admit to being wrong."?</p><p></p><p>For some people that is true.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 184719, member: 1991"] "Stories like that make me wonder why anyone would remain living in such a terrible environment." With my friend, she got married fairly young. Her sister got engaged soon after, so both girls got out of the house while very young. Their mother - complex problem but the logic makes sense, in a warped kind of way. She "had to get married" but kept it all very secret, her eldest daughter was just a bit premature, that was all. A two month premature ten pound baby... yeah, right. But she had married someone her parents didn't approve of. And for him - he had no life to go back to. It was wartime Britain. They only had each other, and their new family. I think the man's wife spent her life feeling that she had to justify her decision to get married to whom and when she did, and needed to find another reason other than the shameful one (which she never admitted to) and so 'invented' the myth of undying love. All through their marriage when his behaviour was so bad, the woman dealt with it by telling herself it wasn't that bad; the girls didn't mind; "he's only joking" (which he used to say often, especially if challenged by someone he was tormenting); and always the fiction that Daddy is right, he is the head of the household, his will was law. As they both got older and more infirm, he resisted all efforts to bring in outside help. His wife was in constant pain from degenerative spine and osteoartritis and was going blind, but he wouldn't allow her to use a walking stick so SHE loudly insisted that she didn't need one. She kept telling everyone, more and more, that they had been in love for sixty years and would die in each other's arms. He got worse as dementia added to the problems. It was very sad to watch them both deteriorate, to see that they needed help but to know they would never get it. She was drinking heavily in order to deal with the increasing pain as well as to numb herself to his moods. There was at least one incident where my friend dropped in to check on them and found her father in bed asleep, he had been there like that for three days. His wife had over-medicated him (we think deliberately) and had not called the doctor when he failed to rouse. But to call an ambulance would have put one or other of them in hospital and neither would have ever been allowed to go back home. They knew it and because HE would have made such a fuss (and she was both afraid of that, and also needing to continue the fiction of her life which by now was deeply ingrained) she refused to allow him to be taken to hospital. Then he fell. Long story, but some sort of accident was inevitable. He broke his hip. And because it happened out in public, they couldn't just pretend nothing had happened as they had with previous falls (they found she had broken ribs and a cracked pelvis from old injuries that had been unreported). They had no choice but the hospital. And even there, she STILL insisted he was OK and they could both be sent home, she tried to refuse to allow him to be admitted. My friend had to step in and get her mother committed as an involuntary patient, so she could get her father admitted for treatment. From that point on, the wife refused to see her husband. It was as if he didn't exist. Meanwhile he was asking for her. His wife was too weak to be allowed to go see him. They discovered she was badly malnourished and her spine was a mess. She had been drunk on admission. She went into DTs during her time in the psychiatric ward. My friend had been waiting for the chance/need to step in and make arrangements. The house was cleaned up (and cleaned out) then put on the market. A nursing home was found for her father, attached to a retirement hostel for the mother. On discharge, the mother went straight to the retirement hostel. She was still refusing to see her husband and wouldn't even ask after him. Then he was ready to be moved. He would never walk again, his dementia was too bad for him to learn. He also was failing to recover from the injury and subsequent surgery - he too had been malnourished. But as he was dying, when he had a few hours left, they took her to sit with him. My friend said she seemed bewildered, very self-absorbed. But she stayed there while he died. I remember her at the funeral. She was playing the grieving widow to the hilt and most people were totally hooked in by it, giving her all the sympathy she was milking. I remember her leaning over to me telling me how her darling husband had died in her arms, just as they had always wanted. I believe technically that was true. But only technically. Of course I didn't say anything - no point. She had already rewritten the story, as she had done all the girls' lives. In her mind, what she chose to believe/remember was truth. Very sad. She had another few years during which time she gained back a lot of her strength and energy, but she was very self-absorbed most of the time, behaving like a spoilt child. 'What did you bring me?" I remember joking with my friend that her mother was now 'channelling' her late husband. But at least the girls were happy to make sure their mother was cared for and kept as pain-free as possible, in her last years. Very sad. And also very sad to see it perpetuate. People choose their own truths according to what they can handle and will often put up with abuse if they feel the alternative (shame? Being shown to have made a sad mistake?) is far worse. How often do we hear people say, "I'd rather die than admit to being wrong."? For some people that is true. Marg [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
Inappropriate behaviour?
Top