Inappropriate teenage behavior. Vent!!

[Californiablonde]

Okay so I'm at work yesterday and one of MY students walks in wearing a super tight, very short dress that barely covered her private parts. I can't believe she actually wore it to school. So I pull her aside and tell her politely that her dress is too short and ask her not to wear it to school again. What I am really supposed to do is report her to security so they can make her go home and change. But I was being nice, plus she's my TA. Well she didn't take the news too well. She pulled an attitude. Her response was, "Well what do you want me to do about it.? I don't know what to tell you." This girl is normally sweet and shy and a very good helper. I did not take her attitude well. She is not the first girl to dress very inappropriately to school. A while ago, I had a girl bending down to tie her shoe in a very crowded hallway. She had very low rise jeans on and her thong was hanging out. I whispered in her ear that she needed to pull up her pants. Her response to me was that yes, she knew her thong was showing, and she didn't care. I guess she thinks the boys will find it sexy. What these girls don't know is that any guy who has any bit of respect for women would find it trashy.

And then I get these girls that come up to my counter with their breasts hanging out. Literally their nipples are barely covered. I tell them to cover up and again I get attitude. What I want to know is, how are these parents letting these girls out of the house dressed the way they are? And if they are sneaking and changing at school, who is buying these clothes for these girls? Where are they getting such sleezy outfits? My difficult child wouldn't be caught dead in inappropriate clothing. She is big breasted like me, and she is paranoid about showing any cleavage. She makes great efforts to show as least amount of skin as possible. What are these other girls thinking? And where are their parents? Do they think it's cool to have their daughters dressing like hookers? Cause I swear my TA yesterday totally reminded me of a streetwalker. I've seen hookers wear more than she was wearing? So what ever happened to these girls' self respect? Okay vent over.

 

[BusynMember]

I'll explain how it CAN happen (although I'm quite sure some parents either don't care or are just not going to fight this battle with their difficult child's, figuring that they will suffer natural consequences).

When my daughter was doing drugs, she scared the beejaysus out of me by starting to wear all black, including gross black eyeliner and black LIPSTICK. Yes, it exists. The first time I saw it, I was stunned and made her take off the makeup and change her clothes. She was a drug user, but usually surface polite to me so she did it. When she came home, she must have forgotten the morning though because she was wearing the same make up, although her shirt was still red (the one she had changed into). I was furious and checked her purse and backpack. Nothing. She wouldn't answer my questions, just snapped her gum, but I knew the answer. The group of we-love-black dressers had given her the makeup at school. I called the school and they said they couldn't do anything because it wasn't against their dress code and then told me how parents get really ticky when told that their kids are dressed inappropriate, so they have guidelines, but that's about it.
I never saw my daughter with makeup like that again, but I'm sure she looked that way whenever she went to school. Later on, after all this was over, she told me that the kids just swapped make up. Some parents didn't care if their kids went to school looking like Dracula. Also, she switched clothes with her friends at school too. The red shirt would go into her locker and she'd wear a black tight sweater until the bell rang and then she'd change back and give her friend the black sweater back. WHen I asked her why she wanted to wear black all the time and told her I had been afraid she had been in some sort of satanic cult she laughed at me in a nice way (such as "silly mom") and just said, "Mom, those were very dark days for me so I was just dressing the way I felt." She cheerfully likes to say right now that she dresses like a dowdy housewife when not wearing her chef's uniform...so it didn't last. I can only hope that it doesn't last for the girl who lets her boobs hang out either because she is sending a very obvious message to a bunch of horny teenage boys. And, even in this day and age, there are standards and my younger daughter Jumper and her friends (both female and male) refer to certain girls as (pardon my french) "ho's." So there are still standards you are judged by, even in teenager land.
If you work at a private school with a dress code, you are lucky. At least you have leverage if this girl keeps dressing that way.

This is another issue, but I think the sexualizing of clothing for six year old girls sets a poor example. When my girls were young, it was really hard to find children's clothes for little girls. Most of the clothes were copies of teenage clothes and I didn't want to go there. Maybe I'm the only person on earth bothered by little girls dressed like their teenage sisters, but I was.

 

[Californiablonde]

I work at a public school with a dress code. I really should have made this girl go home and change. Her outfit bothered me THAT much. But I didn't. I'm really surprised none of her teachers noticed or turned her in. IF security saw her she would have been busted. I just don't like the fact that I get such attitude when I tell them politely that they are breaking the dress code. It's something they should know already and they shouldn't even bother coming to school the way they do.

 

[SuZir]

Okay, I don't have a daughter. I do have a teenage goddaughter though. She is a good girl. Good grades, driven, nice friends, good hobbies, typical teen at home. Her way of rebelling and exploring is very over the top sexy/cheap looks. Her parents have drawn a line to tats and piercings that would leave a noticeable scar. Hair, the mother tries to like her funky styles; make up, that washes away; clothing, well don't get arrested of public indecency or freeze yourself. They do demand her to wear appropriate clothes to certain functions, but other than that it's her choice. If she chooses to show skin and look silly, that is her problem and as a natural consequences she will be very embarrassed of her old photos in few years. But other than that, skanky dress is not harming anyone.

I understand her parents. There are more important things and these choices, while not stylish, are not harmful. And she will grow out of them.

Of course we live in different culture with different taboos. Nakedness is not taboo over here. We just see that thing totally differently. I would have no real problem for example seeing any of my neighbours naked or have a problem if they saw me. Of course it could be slightly uncomfortable if for example some strange man would walk in with me sunbathing naked in my garden, but only that. Skin is skin, it isn't much different if it is on your nose, on your nipple or between your legs. And if you discount some weirder deformations no one really has anything that everyone wouldn't had seen hundreds of times before.

And with the black thing. Well I live middle of about few million women who stongly think one can not wear anything else but black. If we get really wild, we may consider white (shirt) or maybe even dark brown (in our shoes.)

 

[Californiablonde]

I personally wouldn't mind at all if my daughter chose to wear all black or wore black make up. She can dye her hair any color she wants to too. If she chooses to look that way it's her choice and most likely she will outgrow it anyway. I do have a problem with dressing provocatively. It's dangerous. There's a lot of sick people out there who could possibly do something thinking the girl "wants it" and "deserves it." Of course most people wouldn't have those thoughts but there are some dangerous perverts out there that do. And the consequences could be devastating. That is why I would not let my daughter dress inappropriately. Luckily I don't have to worry about my daughter, at least not yet. She is dresses very conservative and is paranoid of showing to much skin, thank goodness.

 

[SuZir]

I do have a problem with dressing provocatively. It's dangerous. There's a lot of sick people out there who could possibly do something thinking the girl "wants it" and "deserves it." Of course most people wouldn't have those thoughts but there are some dangerous perverts out there that do. And the consequences could be devastating. That is why I would not let my daughter dress inappropriately.

Many would disagree about this. There are dangerous people out there who hurt other people. But do they really do it because of skanky dress? What I have read studies about it, it doesn't look like it. There are of course risk behaviours. If you for example drink too much and pass out to the park, you have high risk to be victimized. And it is not usually best idea to leave from night club to some strangers home alone just to 'talk.' But kid wearing a short dress or showing her thong to school? Not really a risk.

Rape is about violence, not about sex. There are ways to put you to bigger risk, but your clothes are not that.

People like to find a way to blame a victim and for that 'skanky dress' etc. fits perfectly. That makes people think that if thy just are 'proper' they are not in risk and nothing can happen to them. That is not true of course but it makes some people feel better.

 

[Californiablonde]

I am not blaming the victim at all whatsoever. I have a lot of experience with men. I know how they think. And yes dressing provacatively can set some people off.

 

[BusynMember]

Suzir.....can't you just give us a little more of a clue as to where you live? It's driving me crazy!!!! J/K

Ok, seriously now. The black thing reminded me of a satanic cult, which does go on here. It really scared me. She was such a dark kid, as far as her moods, and it was really not cool to dress in all black with black makeup smudged all over her eyes...it was cultish looking and often cultish. I'm not religious, and it even scared ME. The boys in her group dressed in black with long black coats and black eye makeup too. It was spooky. They were secretive and very low achievers. How you dress meant something.


Now as my daughter grew older, she went into Cosmotology before she decided to go back to school to become a Pastry Chef. The Cosmotology girls were very flamboyant and my daughter had new hairstyles and new colored hair every day. One Fourth of July, s he dyed her hair the color of our flag. On Halloween, she dyed it orange. Once she got over the black thang, she just wore very flashy colors and managed to make them look good. I had NO problem with that. She is very creative and that was just who she was.

But her black black days left a terrible impression both with her normal peers, whom would not hang around with her, and her teachers who didn't like her, although she has always been just a tad below brilliant. People were scared of her group, as I was scared of what the black meant. In general, I really don't tell my kids what to wear to school and for Jumper, my sixteen year old, that's really not an issue anyway since she likes to just wear sports sweat shirts and sweat pants as in "I don't care how I look at this school. The boys in my school are nice, but I'd NEVER go out with them so who cares how I look???"

I do think that is you dress almost naked, you have to expect to get hit on in that way. If that's what you want, I guess it's fine...once you are over eighteen and not in my house. In the US, it would still send a very strong message that says, "I'm easy." And teens aren't too smart about contraception, at least not here. I, for one, have no interest in raising a grandchild.

Of course, sometimes it's the girl who dresses like the librarian who gets pregnant (wink)

 

[DammitJanet]

Suzir, you live in a completely different culture than we do and it is far more lenient and trusting than ours I believe. I wish we were more like some other countries in that respect. Unfortunately we do have portion of our society that is just sick. They will look at how a person is dressed and decide what she is based on her clothing. There is actually a new term for it out there now. S l u t shaming. Wasnt sure that would get past the censors.

 

[SuZir]

I know how they think. And yes dressing provacatively can set some people off.

Maybe that too is cultural. That is not my experience at all. Yes, men may think someone is 'easy' or not because of a dress and give attention based to that. But after that it is what one says or does.

And again, this was about school clothes. If there are preps who prey school children in school or mall or places like that, they are more likely be interested of children who look, behave and dress like children. If they would be looking for people who look like adults, they would be at night clubs...

 

[BusynMember]

Not me. I"m glad we have some controls left. Dressing like you are practically naked isn't an invitation for rape...NOTHING IS...but it does tell the boys that you are ready and willing. I think how you dress is very indicative of how somebody is. A very nice, trendy dresser is probably different than me...lol....I dress like Jumper, jeans/sweatpants/just wanna relax/no heels, thanks.

Maybe looks shouldn't matter. Julie, my pastry chef, used to say that it wasn't fair that people judged you by what you wore. She was a teenager then and I told her, "Sweetie, maybe not, but they do. It is the first impression you make." The fact is, until her black phaze was over, she scared lots of her peers.

 

[ThreeShadows]

I have raised two sons and their group of male friends were always at our house. It was very distracting for them to have to concentrate on their studies when thong- wearing girls in short skirts would bend down to tie their shoes. It's hard enough being a teen boy without this provocative behavior because he has to learn to deal with his raging hormonal changes and it's a confusing time of life. Those trashy clothes are not all right with THIS mother. Students don't live in a vacuum, their behavior affects everyone. US citizens aren't used to the whole naked sauna tradition.

 

[SuZir]

I too have two boys and also know many of their friends. Let's put it this way: They don't need to see thongs to get distracted...

Well more so now with easy child. difficult child is older and living with the girlfriend and getting some distance to puberty he isn't that distractable any more.

 

[Californiablonde]

I am a victim. It was a neighbor who invited me over to watch movies. I was wearing a thong under my jeans because that's my preferred style of underwear. All I own are thongs. His reasoning was that I was wearing a thong so obviously I was asking for it. He blamed it on me. Then he choked me when I scratched him in attempts to get him off me. I had to beg for my life. I reminded him I have children I had to live for and please don't kill me. Luckily he stopped choking. At least he didn't kill me. He still blamed me and said it was my thong that set him off. That was his thinking. So yes it does happen. I can't imagine going through something like that as a teen. It was hard enough as an adult.

 

[SuZir]

CB: I'm very sorry for that.

But please understand that it wasn't about you or your choice of preferred underwear. He didn't do it because you wearing something or because of your choices. He did it because he wanted to. He probably planned it, but thought he could keep you quiet by blaming you and your choice of dress. If you had not been wearing thongs, it would had been your bras or jeans or hair or whatever. But that is not a truth about it. The truth is that he did it, because he wanted and because he enjoyed the feeling of power it gave him. It was all about him, not your fault at the slightest.

 

[Californiablonde]

I even had a male friend blame me and say I misled the guy. I was only thinking movies and nothing more. Innocent me. For a long time I did blame myself. Had a lot of PTSD too. Thankfully I'm over it now.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Our school tried to prevent that kind of clothing. And got shot down... by the teachers' union.
The rules would have "impinged on the teachers' right to choose what they wore to work".

As in - yes, the teachers were part of the problem. The kids were more extreme, but...

Until we, as a society, get past this whole "I can do whatever I want because it doesn't affect anybody else" attitude... we will continue to go downhill.

 

[AnnieO]

What I want to know is, how are these parents letting these girls out of the house dressed the way they are? And if they are sneaking and changing at school, who is buying these clothes for these girls? Where are they getting such sleezy outfits?

As a former teenager... Who had HORRIBLE self esteem... I can answer that.

I had a black tank top, made of thin nylon with gold lamé imprinted in a snakeskin pattern. The shoulder straps were about 1" wide, it wasn't low cut, but it was very clingy. My mother would have had a fit. So I wore other shirts over it. Same for my denim miniskirt - I'd change in the backseat of my boyfriend's car, or in the bathroom. Now that was the 80s - I was still decently covered. But - inappropriate, still.

Who is buying them? The girls themselves, of course. With allowance and birthday money and if they have a job... Some, like Onyxx, pilfer them.

Where do they get the outfits? Ready for this? Hot Topic, Pac Sun, Abercrombie. Wet Seal. Skin-tight cut-to-there. Thongs with Hello Kitty on them. And even JC Penney.

Until we, as a society, get past this whole "I can do whatever I want because it doesn't affect anybody else" attitude... we will continue to go downhill.

Except, as you know, IC, it does affect others...


in my opinion, it's called "advertising". Whether people should judge you by your appearance or not, they do.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Except, as you know, IC, it does affect others...

Step... you know this, I know this... but at least half the world out there around us, doens't. Or, more likely, just doesn't "want to" know.

 

[CrazyinVA]

I didn't always approve of Youngest's clothes. I hated a lot of them. I didn't buy her or pay for the ones I hated, by the way, she usually got them from friends. Borrowed, traded, who knows. Sometimes she'd wear one thing to school and change. Sometimes I'd attempt to argue with her over her choice, but quite honestly with everything I had going with her at the time, it was a battle I gave up on. Sometimes she got sent home, sometimes she was made to wear a really ugly colored t-shirt to cover up. I kind of liked that policy actually, wear an ugly neon orange shirt if you wore inappropriate clothes. Which of course probably drew more attention than the clothes, but still ... it made a point.