Increase in teen moms?

[dreamer]

Hmm, Nope I absolutely did NOT "ruin" my mothers life, and my father? he did fine without me at ruining HIS life, altho HE never stopped and looked back, he did not care he had kids at all. Us kids had NOTHING to do with him ruining his own life.
Im not quite sure tho exactly what a ruined life means? My PCs life has changed its original path..we call that "flexibility" any number of things can change a lifes path. Illness, car accident, crummy grades, ....
Life can have hard times, but I do not look at those as ruined life. My own life has been incredibly hard and if not for my children I am not sure I could have hung in and had a life. I have my cosmetology license, my realtors license, my nurseing license.......I have been with my husband 23 years. The most treasured thing in my life IS my children. My biggest accomplishment is my children, even with their various disabilities and any warts and weaknesses etc. The most important thing to me is my children. Has life been hard? OMG YES! My husbands illness devastated the financial security we DID have upon marrying and decideing to have kids...it blew my option of haveing him help me parent our kids right out of the water.
Im not sure what else in life could be more important than my children. Financial wealth? a great career? nope.

Are these kids walking around makeing their babies a fashion accessory? Um, maybe some do------but, MY dtr happens to be high honors attending college......working......as are many of her friends. Just instead of going to movies or bowling or whatever in their non class non work time, they are washing their babies clothes, nurseing their babies, washing bottles, and walking their babies in strollers. Poverty? I can name about a ton of persons who WERE supposedly "mature, of age, married, financially secure" etc etc who hit hard times......or whose spouses walked out, or whose jobs downsized or whatever......who are yes.now needing help from food stamps etc. Only ONE of my kids friends is getting ANY foodstamps-----and partly that is becuz her own parents are both dead and she had been in foster care system till she turned 18. and the father of HER baby died in a work related accident. Just before her baby was born.

As for Yaz? I have heard some rumblings about it. It is low dose, and it is often the first oral contraceptive a girl is Rx'ed. Recently the rumblings hint that becuz it is so low dose it is helping some girls become preg more easily. (instead of preventing preg) <sigh> Yes, My girls were useing Yaz....and condoms.

I was going to be here to help my easy child go to university. Well, now I am here helping my easy child go to comm college. if she feels better next semester, the door is still open at the uni she was going to go to...or next year....or after she has her associates degree. Even if she were married......and done with school.even if she were 30 yrs old...........I am sure she might find my help useful. She might need a sitter while she worked. or not. These girls here? the daddies and mommies work different shifts from each other or take college classes at different times from each other and the mommies and daddies are BOTH taking turns careing for these babies. Yes, the kids are young. BUT THAT alone does NOT necessarily mean they cannot do this. They ARE doing this, and the ones I see are doing an admirable job........and the babies are well cared for and the mommmies and daddies are enjoying it!
Please do not simply assume haveing a baby ruins every young parents life. and please do not assume ALL teen mothers are crummy parents.
Tragedy would be if my child were in a terrible accident and suffered irreparable injuries or died. MY easy child being preg is not a tragedy in my mind or her mind. Her life so far is still on the same track it was on, she is still headed towards her same goal, and no matter what age she might have been, I am here guiding her, helping her.....suporting her. Yes, it remains to be seen, time will tell, for all these kids if these young men will hang in with the girls......etc.....but, that would be true even if these kids were not still kids. 25, 30, 40 and 50 yr old married people split all the time.
No, this is not exactly the life I would have picked for my child, BUT it is far from the end of the world for anyone. and yes I WILL be right here beside her, helping her become a great mother and a great human being. There is no reason to believe she cannot do both. Being a mother is often something any woman could have more help doing, we do not learn mothering in college. we do not learn it just by becoming a certain age. Very often it IS a skill one learns from their own mother....from their own mother being there to offer the guidance.

 

[dreamer]

as for 2nd and 3rd children? Lots of these girls will tell you that they always wanted to have children close in age to each other, maybe becuz they themself had a sibling close in age and they loved haveing a sibling close in age to themself, or some becuz they did NOT have a sibling close in age to themself and they wanted their child to have a sibling who would be close in age. MANY MANY "adult" women have that very exact same logic.
SOME of the girls reasons for haveing children are no different than any other womans reason for haveing children.

In our town, there has been a severe rash of parents dying in 30s. Even young 30s. SOme speculation is 2 chemical plants here....VERY many of the young parents who have died lived with common water supply. SO we have an inordinate number of older and younger kids who have lost one or both parents in their childhood. SOME of the kids are saying they are afraid they might also die as young as their own parents did, so they WANT to have their children starting at age 18 or 20 so they have TIME with their children. I know between me and my youngest brother.....mom was SO young when she had me, that *I* had a mother for a LONG time......but my youngest brother lost his dad when he was 11 and his mom when he was 19? (IIRC) He often resents that *I* got to have mom for so much longer than he did.
My husband was 40 when we began haveing kids, and he got sick right after 2nd child was born. Had he had kids younger.....maybe he would have been a more active parent.
If every single person on Earth waited until the time was "right" to have children, I fear our species would have become extinct LONG ago. I know me and none of my siblings would ever have been born at all. Neither would my husband have been. Or my parents. Or ANY of my aunts and uncles or cousins. Or any of my friends. None of us. When IS the right time? is there an exact specific age? an exact specific income? What is this thing called Life all about, anyway?
Hmm, fashion accesorries? Reminds me of the things my sister does, my very married, very wealthy sister.......Gymboree.with all the other moms. Mom and Me club. with all the other moms. I thinnk even very married very "mature" very financially secure mid 20 yr olds to mid 30 yr olds all could be accused of wearing their children as fashion accessories. The teen moms I see are often down in the sandbox beside their child barefoot and makeing sandcastles WITH their children. They are turning down offers to go clubbing becuz they say they prefer to play legos with their wee ones. They tell me they enjoy dressing their babies in clothes more than they enjoy buying new clothes for themself.
They pump milk on work breaks. They race home after class. Im not sure what is all so different between them and older moms? and often they have a 2nd child becuz they already found out they LIKE parenting.

 

[janebrain]

Well, we all have our own personal stories but if we are talking about society as a whole then I think being a teen mom is probably not the wisest way to go. I think most teens are not ready to be parents and they should have the experience of figuring out who they are before having children.

Along the personal lines, my mom was 21 and married when she had her 1st child. She does regret marrying and having children. She was a college grad (back in 1944) and she wanted to travel and have fun and maybe teach in a foreign country. The world was wide open to her but she was young and easily persuaded by my dad to get married as he was about to go off to the South Pacific (WWII). She emphasized to both me and my sister that we should not settle down right out of college but neither of us listened to her--typical kids!

Anyway, I guess I am just saying that of course there are individual success stories and people who have come out stronger and better maybe and have made lemonade out of lemons. But on the whole I don't think teen pregnancy is desirable and in my own difficult child's case I know it isn't desirable. I feel sorry for her baby....

Jane

 

[dreamer]

no matter "who we are" we can change simply by becoming a mother. MOtherhood can dramatically change our views of ourself and our view of the world.
I do agree a 13 yr old or 15 yr old is "too young" on the whole. And I know many people who are 30 and not even confirmed difficult children but they are also too young. still. even if they ARE chronologically 30. and if a person does not WANT to be a mom, then it is wrong no matter age or life circumstances at the moment. 18, 19 and 20 can be more of a "gray" area.
Personally I think we permit our people who join military to take far too drastic a step far too young before they can REALLYin their deep heart, understand the possible ramifications of combat military service. But ye, this is directly related to my own personal experience and my own husband combat time when he was a mere 18 and doing "his job" and when he reached 40 his conscience could not accept those things that were part of "his job" back when he was a front line combat Marine. So, my own personal experience was negative and I always get sad when I hear of young 18 yr olds signing on to go to combat, and I always wish they would wait a few years, grow a little, get more life experience.
BUT - for many, it is a positive experience. Just like motherhood for many is a positive experience.

 

[everywoman]

Dreamer,
While I agree that some 18/19 year olds are mature enough to have a child and care for it, I don't think when this thread was started it was meant to be geared to young adults having children. And at 18 or 19, you are a young adult. My issue is that many times these children having children are 16 and younger. They are just children. For God's sake they can't remember to do their homework and turn it in. They can't behave in a classroom. And get mad and want to fight because so and so said something about them! And they are having and raising children.

I raised my children to be independent and self-sufficeint. I am there to babysit my grandson on the occasional weekend, but I would not keep him everyday/all day. My son was 24 when he was born. His wife was 21. My son and his wife are college graduates. They support themselves. They live on their own. I help out if they need me, but thankfully, they are old enough to "take" care of themselves and their child and I get to be what I am---his Big Momma who can spoil and pamper and be what a grandmother should be! As someone whose grandmother was also her mother, I recognize what can happen to a person when those lines are blurred.

While I understand that accidents happen. I also know that in a society where birth control in readily available, that they don't have to happen as often as they are.

My mom was 15 when I was conceived, 16 when I was born. She was not ready to be a mom. This was during a time when she could not go to school and be a mom. She ended up getting a diploma in night school. She lost custody of me when I was 8. She never recovered from her guilt at not being able to do what she so desired to do---be a mom. There were some mental health issues as well, but many of her life problems stem from having me before she was ready physcially, mentally, and emotionally.

 

[dreamer]

Puberty- many kids are now coming to puberty younger. I am not sure- is it the hormones etc in the foods? But, I have heard kids hit puberty younger. Their little bodies are developing in *that* way sooner. and what they are taught in school, they are taught more academics much younger than I ever was in elem school, I know that. Classes I took in college - my grade school kids were covering the same material as I was at the same time, and in k garten goodness, I did not read or write. I played and whatever. But now the kids learn to read and write beeginning in nursery school. Seems EVERYTHING is on a faster track, done younger, now. More academics at a younger age, more resposnsibilities at a younger age, more activities, more time out of the family home, even overnite, - much younger than when I was a child. My kids all had 6th grade school field trips overnite out of state. Many kids takeing care of younger siblings....many kids takeing over house chores etc, too.
TV and internet and our culture opens things to kids younger than ever. Even in the classroom. Lots of kids spend far more time with sports coaches, or mentors or various people....and get a broader view of the world.
Everything is "instant" fast food, instant credit, the war is in our liv room live. Life is fast paced and everything is up front and immediate.
Kids are more apt now to get killed in car acidents - becuz the volume of traffic in many geographical aras is so congested. We have an active war and many kids who are older teens know someone personally, maybe a friend, who is over in combat or in military service. ANd this war can be seen live on TV, little is left to imagination. The kids can SEE daily how fragile and tenuous life can be......Life is intense and extreme. And in their face.
Im not sure how if they see school shootings and things like 9-11 on TV unfold, then are they really gonna be any too much afraid of consequences of haveing a child when they are young? Some of the horrible things they witness or see or know friends must cope with? Maybe they simply do not view a new baby as "bad" in the big picture of Life? Maybe some of them are finding reassurance in their newborn babies? Parenting is hard work, yes, BUT the rewards? They CAN be priceless. And maybe some of them have older cousins or younger aunts and uncles who got caught in the bitter tragedy of waiting to stabilize a career before beginning to try to become preg and saw firsthand the sad reality of someone who who found out too late that for them, becoming a parent was not gonna happen all so easily or quickly?

Not everyone has a desire to travel or see the world or light it on fire. There are some people whose main goal in life is simply to be a parent. IF that is someones goal, is that so bad? Each of us should be able to chose our own ultimate life goals. Who am I to criticize anothers life goals? And many of lifes other goals can still be a reality even if you do have a child or 2 or 5.

 

[dreamer]

everywoman.....please, if you have not done so, please do read ALL my replies to this thread? Yes my mom was also very very young. altho I had no grandparents.

The original post - Nancy? I think her daughter is not under 16, but at the moment, I am not 100% sure. And yes, Nancys dtr, being a difficult child that alone has more bearing on her ability to parent than her age, I would think.

LOTS of things affect any persons ability to parent. ANd while I was most independant and running my own household since age 12, and financially and every other way single handed running my home and 3 kids and ill husband for years, I got hit hard with extremely debilitating illness, and oh boy I sure could have used a hand, any hand.....but who could have foreseen it? Things happen, people roll with them. New mothers, any age, any financial situation, any marital status often do need help and support. Some more than others. and yes our personal experiences do have a lot to do with how we feel about any topic. MY experience is a very very young mother......but, my mom would never ever say haveing children young "ruined her life" and I would never say haveing such a young mother ruined my life. and yes, I put my story out becuz maybe it is not the typical normal usual answer and outcome. My experience and yours are very different from each others. I think it is awesome we have someplace to go to get the stories from all different people. I guess if all our experiences and outcomes were identical, maybe we would have no need for such a place to come share?

 

[jolsonegli]

I have noticed that moms anymore are either in their 40s or their teens. I think it becomes an epidemic.

 

[amazeofgrace]

nope, I work with a teen mom's ministry and the are definatley going up and the age range is getting lower and lower! It's becoming "trendy" and also some girls feel they have a "piece" of their significant other, their ignorance lands them with a kid and they are too immature to care properly for their child

 

[Nancy]

I am not referring to young women 18-20 who have strong family and community support, although I think that is not a good decision either. I am speaking of those young girls who like everywoman said can't even remember to do their homework. The ones who go out every weekend and drink and do drugs, who are barely getting through school, who live on the edge. They drag their babies to the mall and hang out with their friends. They take them to the high school football games when they should be at home. At last Friday's game there was a young teen who was 16 carrying her baby who looked like a newborn, no blanket or bonnet or carrier, just carried like a sack of potatoes. I guess she found out it isn't much fun sitting at home with a baby while all her friends are out having fun.

I'm talking about the girls who make drinking dates with their friends as soon as they deliver....can't skip a beat here can we. The ones who won't finish high school and who pass along their addictions to their babies.

Yes my difficult child is 17....still way too young to have a baby. She can't even get herself up in the morning, let alone wake up to feed a hungry baby in the middle of the night. There seems to be an epidemic. I have read that these girls want babies for someone to love, they think that will solve all their problems. They aren't looking to grow up by the experience.

difficult child's friend had a baby on Monday, the same day as her one year anniversary of dating the baby's father.....ONE YEAR. Hmmm so that means she was dating him for three months when she got pregnant. And she thinks this boy is going to stick around. This girl turned 17 on Tuesday. Today she wrote on her myspace that she can't wait to go out drinking with her friends.

Nancy

 

[everywoman]

Dreamer---my mother has never made the statement that having me ruined her life. She is very proud of me and my sister. We have overcome the obstacles of our lives to become productive, involved citizens.

I say that having me ruined her life because she was never able to get back on track after I was born. She let her life become a nightmare of poverty, excuses, and menial jobs. She looked for validation in the wrong places for years. She is a very smart woman, who because of the path she took never got to be who she could be because of my birth. My father was the same.
Did they love me? Yes, they did. Were they able to be good parents? No, they weren't. They were both good people. But, they never got to reach their potential because they were forced into being parents before they were ready and able.
As an adult I am able to see clearly why their lives turned out the way it did. I don't blame them.
I, too, am glad we come from different places. I think a healthy exchange of ideas is an important tool. We don't have to agree for me to respect your opinion. You have the right to believe the way you want to believe. I don't live in your community. I don't see the young mom's you see who are facing their lives with dignity and grace. What I do see in my community is a disproportionate number of young girls who are getting pregnant because they think it's cool. I see these young people without parental support who will have to overcome insurmountable odds in order to eek out a living in a town that has lost all manufacturing jobs and whose base income is based on the low-wage tourism industry.

My daughter is 18 and is currently at basic training. I neither encouraged or discouraged her from joining---she is a young adult. She doesn't live in my home. She supports herself. Her choice to join was her choice. She is not bringing a young life into this world without the means to support the child. The only life her decision is affecting is hers. It's quite a different choice.

 

[dreamer]

As I said, a difficult child is another story entirely than just a blanket statement of young mothers. difficult children are VERY different than typical teens. BUT just becuz a girl is a teen mother does not mean she is a bad mother or a difficult child. It does not at all mean she does drugs or anything like that.
and as for a baby being at a football game? Im not so sure why that is such a crime? My son was hours old and went with me to class for final exam. My kids were all less than a month old first fireworks outing.....why does a baby belong "at home"? I did not use a carrier, I much prefered skin to skin contact and holding my baby, not my babys carrier. As for bonnets etc, I know there are women of all ages all over the place who in my opinion their babies look too cold or too hot to suit me personally......each of us has a different idea of what is too warm or too cold, and with MY babies, everyone seemed to always want to wrap my babies up and my babies ran too hot and got miserable if too warm.
Yes, I admitted there is a difference between 16 yrs old or younger haveing babies or 18 yrs and older.....yes, I admitted that difficult children and non difficult children are 2 totally different answers, and persons who do not WANT babies should not bother to have them. No matter how old they are. MANY people find mothering to be a very very pleaant experience. I myself personally ADORE being a mother, even while I also admit I was very much without any support at all....and even while I had 2 spec needs kids, and a very ill husband I had to take care of and even while I was also very ill myself.

I posted about other age groups besides under age 16 becuz many people posted about experiences of older teens in this thread.

Yes, Nancy, I agree- do get your daughter on some reliable birth control. She is a difficult child and she sounds difficult and no way ready to be a parent, sounds like maybe never will she be. It also sounds like you will not be ready anytime soon to pitch in the amount of work she may need to help her. No, a baby coming from her would not be a good thing at all, I am sure.
BUT when you are looking around at the other teen mothers, please be careful how you judge them. None of us here like to be judged in public for how our difficult children behave....becuz others have NO idea what is going on in our personal lives behind the scenes with our difficult children. The same is true of some of those young mothers. None of us know for sure if maybe they are good little mommies. and it is petty for us to judge based on that their baby is not in a carrier at the game, or if it has a bonnnet or not. As for being a sack of potatos? Babies are pretty resilient......depends on just exactly what the young parents were doing. And maybe they just needed someone to gently bring their attention to things, rather than critical judgement. And that is not necessarily a sign of their youth, there are LOTS of mothers of ALL ages who sometimes need a little "help" or "advice" etc. I have this feeling not a single one of us here could be called The Perfect Parent 24-7 forever and ever.

But, I am still confused what is so terrible about a baby being at a HS football game? Or not in a carrier at the game?

Some people find parenting to be wonderful and fulfilling and good. Some don't. Some are good at it. Some are mediocre. Some are outright lousey. Sometimes lousey ones just need a little loving guidance and help.
It benefits the whole society to pitch in for the sake of these new little people and their mommies. And the whole world sure would be a much nicer place if people could find it in their hearts to be kinder and nicer to each other. Young teen mommies included. and their babies.

Yup- I am VERY excited. My easy child is very excited. She is working so hard to do everything the doctor says, and to do all her schoolwork and in spite of her devastateing health issues right now she is manageing to stay with straight As and also to continue working. After she does her homework, she has been researching info re vaccines, car seats, safe cribs etc. IF she happens to go out one sept afternoon next year with her baby and not have a lil bonnet or baseball cap or whatever on her babys head? I doubt the world will end. and so long as *I* live and breathe, I highly doubt she will be looking to ask anyone else to babysit, or pay her way or anything. BUT that does not mean she will not WANT to take her baby out with her in public. Last I knew that was not a crime. Some Babies enjoy going out and haveing a change of scenery, too.

 

[dreamer]

sounds like there is a possibility your mom and dad might have fallen into that sad life, whether you were born or not. And if your community is that bad with economy, it is likely it is also affecting non teen young new families. How sad. It is partly becuz of the economy I am even more willing to be here with open arms right now. It IS a hard economy out there, and even established families are struggling. I have a sanctuary I can offer to my children ....

My mother and I discussed the topic often. I often wondered if I made her life harder becuz she was so young. She often said no, my birth made her life easier, gave her a reason to hang tough, hold on, move forward. Different strokes for different folks. I have to believe my mom, considering she CHOSE actively to become a mother again when I was 15 and yet again when I was 28. IF my mom ever had any even remote opinion haveing children was not wonderful, I doubt she would so actively choose to do so so many more times later. I do wish some people did consider the whole thing more carefully, tho. My DHmother never wanted kids, and she never should have had any. it was VERY obvious she found the whole thing unpleasant. and it had NOTHING to do with her age at all.

 

[Nancy]

dreamer I didn't read your entire post and I won't debate the football game issue with you. Let's just agree to disagree on this one.

Nancy

 

[dreamer]

?? Im confused. how do you know whether you agree or disagree if you have no idea what I even said? I do not mind if you did not read my reply, - I understand noone has to read everything posted everywhere or anything BUT.....please do not assume to know what I say or do not say if you have not read what I wrote. Thats not very fair. If someone wants to comment on something I say in any post, they should first know what I said.

 

[Nancy]

dreamer please refrain from writing about or assuming you know anything about my difficult child or what support I am willing or not willing to give her. I have asked you to stop commenting on my children before but perhaps you forgot. At one time you said you skipped my posts, I think that is probably best.

Nancy

 

[BusynMember]

We are talking about difficult children here. I would not have wanted mine to get pregnant. Good heavens, she was on drugs!!! That could have affected the baby.
I wouldn't allow a baby to ruin my child's life. I love, love, love kids and would raise the child until my daughter was ready to take over (hopefully, this would happen one day...lol). But I think it's best all around if kids DON'T have babies as teenagers. There is a rash of that where I live and it's always grandma who is raising the kids, even if the teen is still living at home. The families do consider the babies a blessing--how can you not once they are born and cuddling into you? But I'm pretty sure most wish their kids had used birth control.
If my twelve year old daughter becomes sexually active at a young age, I will put her on birth control (crossing my fingers--so far she's a really good kid).
I don't think anyone should judge another mother's decision to prevent her difficult child from having a child. And shots do work best. My 24 year old put herself on the shots because she can be forgetful. The last thing 24 year old wants is a baby, but she's sexually active with her boyfriend of six years.