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Ineffective Mother
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<blockquote data-quote="aeroeng" data-source="post: 327565" data-attributes="member: 6557"><p>You are a good Mother, and you are not alone. I used to fantasize about beating the hel out of the kid, with a determination that I really would never do it. Then one day he was exploding and being highly disrespectful. I walked away while imagining hitting him. Then he grabbed the back of my jacket and yield, "You don't walk away when I am talking to you", and he pulled me backwards". That was it. With all the strength I had I whipped, my arm over his arms breaking his grip and smacking him hard with the back side of my hand. This event ended with the police being called. We both told them the same story and the police spent over an hour lecturing the boy. "You never lay a hand on your Mother! If we find you do that again we will take you in!". The only words they gave me were advice and comfort. But, yet because I imagined hitting him first, I still felt guilty. But for me to focus my energy on feeling guilty will not help my son develop the social and anger management skills he will need in his life. </p><p> </p><p> The Explosive Child did help but did not give enough information on HOW to teach the skills necessary. (Read the book you will understand). I found out that the counselor at our local family center did a much better job at teaching me how to behave and act. It includes:</p><p> </p><p> - Keep control of my anger. The better I am at not losing it the smaller the explosions become.</p><p> - Don't spank or hit. Particularly when you are angry. For us spankings really did not discourage anything. It only encouraged me to become angrier.</p><p> - Try to avoid yelling. I use what a call the "Hal Voice". From the move 2010, when the computer (Hal) says, "I am sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that" in an overly calm emotionless voice. I use this voice because when I am mad I cannot talk in a normal voice, and I don't want to yell. I have even said, "I am sorry difficult child, I'm afraid I can't do that". I am sure some day when he is older he will watch the movie and discover my secrete.</p><p> - Reflect: This is a technique which the Family center taught husband and me. A similar technique is covered in the Explosive Child. Only the Explosive Child did not go into enough detail on how to use it. But by using the reflecting technique you ether repeat what the child has said, or you state what you believe the child is feeling or wants. Don't worry if you don't get it correct the child will correct you and then you state the corrected version. This technique helps the child verbalize what is frustrating them, lets the child know you are lessening and helps set things up for a more calm discussion. I have even used it at work and now have a reputation for being able to manage more difficult employees.</p><p> - If possible, identify the things that set him off and talk about them early.</p><p> - Natural consequences work better than yours do. Example: "If you don't write the paper you will fail the class and will not be allowed to play on the team" works better than any punishments you can do.</p><p> - Sometimes you need to walk away. I once left the 13 yr home alone and went to a move at midnight. (Mall cop, good mindless move for a frustrated mother).</p><p> - Find time for yourself. Take mini vacations. Big mug of chocolate and 15 minutes in a quiet place. This is more important than cleaning the house if it can help you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="aeroeng, post: 327565, member: 6557"] You are a good Mother, and you are not alone. I used to fantasize about beating the hel out of the kid, with a determination that I really would never do it. Then one day he was exploding and being highly disrespectful. I walked away while imagining hitting him. Then he grabbed the back of my jacket and yield, "You don't walk away when I am talking to you", and he pulled me backwards". That was it. With all the strength I had I whipped, my arm over his arms breaking his grip and smacking him hard with the back side of my hand. This event ended with the police being called. We both told them the same story and the police spent over an hour lecturing the boy. "You never lay a hand on your Mother! If we find you do that again we will take you in!". The only words they gave me were advice and comfort. But, yet because I imagined hitting him first, I still felt guilty. But for me to focus my energy on feeling guilty will not help my son develop the social and anger management skills he will need in his life. The Explosive Child did help but did not give enough information on HOW to teach the skills necessary. (Read the book you will understand). I found out that the counselor at our local family center did a much better job at teaching me how to behave and act. It includes: - Keep control of my anger. The better I am at not losing it the smaller the explosions become. - Don't spank or hit. Particularly when you are angry. For us spankings really did not discourage anything. It only encouraged me to become angrier. - Try to avoid yelling. I use what a call the "Hal Voice". From the move 2010, when the computer (Hal) says, "I am sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that" in an overly calm emotionless voice. I use this voice because when I am mad I cannot talk in a normal voice, and I don't want to yell. I have even said, "I am sorry difficult child, I'm afraid I can't do that". I am sure some day when he is older he will watch the movie and discover my secrete. - Reflect: This is a technique which the Family center taught husband and me. A similar technique is covered in the Explosive Child. Only the Explosive Child did not go into enough detail on how to use it. But by using the reflecting technique you ether repeat what the child has said, or you state what you believe the child is feeling or wants. Don't worry if you don't get it correct the child will correct you and then you state the corrected version. This technique helps the child verbalize what is frustrating them, lets the child know you are lessening and helps set things up for a more calm discussion. I have even used it at work and now have a reputation for being able to manage more difficult employees. - If possible, identify the things that set him off and talk about them early. - Natural consequences work better than yours do. Example: "If you don't write the paper you will fail the class and will not be allowed to play on the team" works better than any punishments you can do. - Sometimes you need to walk away. I once left the 13 yr home alone and went to a move at midnight. (Mall cop, good mindless move for a frustrated mother). - Find time for yourself. Take mini vacations. Big mug of chocolate and 15 minutes in a quiet place. This is more important than cleaning the house if it can help you. [/QUOTE]
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