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Ineffective Mother
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 327806" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Welcome. You've had some good feddback so far.</p><p></p><p>First, on the keeping a kid up until after midnight to turn in an assignment - did the job get done? If so, good. It's not generally a good idea to get into battles with your kids, because it fosters a "them or us" attitude in both of you and that is unhealthy. But I have done tha "stay up until this is done" method with easy child, she needed it. And I didn't have to do it too often, soon she began to do it for hersewlf when she needed to, then she got better at organising herself to do it right in the first place.</p><p></p><p>But for a difficult child, it's often different. A difficult child who needs medications to focus, for example, is gonig to be fairly useless by 10 pm, let alone after midnight. How you manage seems to be very dependent on each kid and how their mind functions.</p><p></p><p>You do need to find how to plug in to where your child is and how best he learns. Similarly, plug in to yourself. You do sound at lest partly plugged in, you are aware that some of what you are doing is not right.</p><p></p><p>Are you a bad parent? Well, you are donig some things wrong. But the thing is - you are aware of it and are not happy about it. That is really important. A really bad parent simply wouldn't care.</p><p></p><p>Does that mean we will blast you and refuse to have anything to do with you? Of course not. We've been where you are, we understand. We also have had our days of getting it wrong, of screaming at our kids, of doing worse.</p><p></p><p>THis is a loving site, we do try to help one another. Sometimes I feel we're not firm enough with people who need a short sharp kick in the parental conscience, but there's generally a way to say what needs to be said, with tact.</p><p></p><p>In your case, you do need to find another way. For your sake as well as your son's. The book will help, but of course it's not the only answer. But I suspect that once you can begin to find your way out of the minefield, your stress will ease, your son's stress will ease and it will be easier for you to navigate.</p><p></p><p>Keep in touch, let us know how you're getting on.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 327806, member: 1991"] Welcome. You've had some good feddback so far. First, on the keeping a kid up until after midnight to turn in an assignment - did the job get done? If so, good. It's not generally a good idea to get into battles with your kids, because it fosters a "them or us" attitude in both of you and that is unhealthy. But I have done tha "stay up until this is done" method with easy child, she needed it. And I didn't have to do it too often, soon she began to do it for hersewlf when she needed to, then she got better at organising herself to do it right in the first place. But for a difficult child, it's often different. A difficult child who needs medications to focus, for example, is gonig to be fairly useless by 10 pm, let alone after midnight. How you manage seems to be very dependent on each kid and how their mind functions. You do need to find how to plug in to where your child is and how best he learns. Similarly, plug in to yourself. You do sound at lest partly plugged in, you are aware that some of what you are doing is not right. Are you a bad parent? Well, you are donig some things wrong. But the thing is - you are aware of it and are not happy about it. That is really important. A really bad parent simply wouldn't care. Does that mean we will blast you and refuse to have anything to do with you? Of course not. We've been where you are, we understand. We also have had our days of getting it wrong, of screaming at our kids, of doing worse. THis is a loving site, we do try to help one another. Sometimes I feel we're not firm enough with people who need a short sharp kick in the parental conscience, but there's generally a way to say what needs to be said, with tact. In your case, you do need to find another way. For your sake as well as your son's. The book will help, but of course it's not the only answer. But I suspect that once you can begin to find your way out of the minefield, your stress will ease, your son's stress will ease and it will be easier for you to navigate. Keep in touch, let us know how you're getting on. Marg [/QUOTE]
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