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Instructed to repost this here, thanks.
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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 620699"><p>I hesitate to write this because I am afraid of being flamed; so please take it with a grain of salt and please know - without a doubt - that I mean this gently and without judgment.</p><p></p><p>I think you are making a mistake by basically telling your wife she needs to choose between you (and your daughter) and her son. That's a line in the sand. You want her to detach for all the right reasons, but being forced to make a choice between her child and her husband is NOT detaching for all the right reasons.</p><p></p><p>Again, I mean this gently and if I were sitting across from you - I would be holding both of your hands and speaking softly and looking straight at you with kindness. You want your sweet daughter out of there because you love her and you would move heaven and earth for her and because getting her away from the turmoil of her older brother is important; even if your marriage has to sacrifice for it. I am guessing that your wife feels the same way about her daughter AND her son. You want her to choose to detach because it's what's best for HIM and for HER and for your family. You can't force her to see that. I understand that you are not coercing her with an ultimatum - I know that you are merely trying to get her on the same page as you as quickly as possible. I get it. I do. I've been there in those crisis days and those moments when you think it can't possibly get any crazier and THEN IT DOES and all you want is a break to catch your breath and a few hours of sanity so that you can think clearly and get out of *Red-Alert-React-Mode* You don't want your wife to feel coerced to "see it your way", you guys need to be on the same page even if you arrive their separately. She needs to see it and arrive there on her own time.</p><p></p><p>And - heaven help me for daring to write this - we moms CAN have a much harder time turning off (or down) our parenting. My ds is 21 and so is my high achieving nephew who is the son of my brother. My brother has pretty much flipped off the parent switch and is constantly criticizing his sainted wife and me for still being concerned about our sons' well being. Nearly all of my friends have sons the same age as my own. Most of the moms I know still fret to some degree (about sons who are PCs) and most of the dads have seamlessly and nearly instantly accepted that their sons are men. I have to think it's biological; a "survival of the species" thing-traditionally it's been moms who literally keep their children alive from conception through age 5 and beyond; and I am sure that it lingers on in some form even when the kids are fully functioning adults. </p><p></p><p>I don't disagree that you and your daughter should leave for a safer place. Just make sure your wife knows you are not leaving HER; you are just giving your 8 year old a break from the turmoil. If you do leave, suggest that your wife turn off her phone (or leave it in the car) when she is with you and daughter. Be patient with your wife, everyone comes to detachment (or not) in their own way. (My own signature confesses that I tried "attached detachment" and even the notion is absurd.) I'm a bit concerned about her reading things here on your advice and then feeling like we are ganging up with you - but let's face it - I think every one of us has been pretty open that we STRUGGLED with detaching and that it took YEARS. I am still not there but I am not obsessing about difficult child as I once did. Wishing we had detached sooner is fine in hindsight, but detaching is a process and it's very very difficult when you are in crisis mode. I suggest some counseling with a therapist who is familiar with SA issues - not because your marriage needs it; but because you both need practical advice for dealing with your difficult child. It was the best thing H and I did and we only went a few times but it really clarified things. My other suggestion is to remember to turn TO each other and not ON each other. I say that aloud to myself when the going gets rough.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 620699"] I hesitate to write this because I am afraid of being flamed; so please take it with a grain of salt and please know - without a doubt - that I mean this gently and without judgment. I think you are making a mistake by basically telling your wife she needs to choose between you (and your daughter) and her son. That's a line in the sand. You want her to detach for all the right reasons, but being forced to make a choice between her child and her husband is NOT detaching for all the right reasons. Again, I mean this gently and if I were sitting across from you - I would be holding both of your hands and speaking softly and looking straight at you with kindness. You want your sweet daughter out of there because you love her and you would move heaven and earth for her and because getting her away from the turmoil of her older brother is important; even if your marriage has to sacrifice for it. I am guessing that your wife feels the same way about her daughter AND her son. You want her to choose to detach because it's what's best for HIM and for HER and for your family. You can't force her to see that. I understand that you are not coercing her with an ultimatum - I know that you are merely trying to get her on the same page as you as quickly as possible. I get it. I do. I've been there in those crisis days and those moments when you think it can't possibly get any crazier and THEN IT DOES and all you want is a break to catch your breath and a few hours of sanity so that you can think clearly and get out of *Red-Alert-React-Mode* You don't want your wife to feel coerced to "see it your way", you guys need to be on the same page even if you arrive their separately. She needs to see it and arrive there on her own time. And - heaven help me for daring to write this - we moms CAN have a much harder time turning off (or down) our parenting. My ds is 21 and so is my high achieving nephew who is the son of my brother. My brother has pretty much flipped off the parent switch and is constantly criticizing his sainted wife and me for still being concerned about our sons' well being. Nearly all of my friends have sons the same age as my own. Most of the moms I know still fret to some degree (about sons who are PCs) and most of the dads have seamlessly and nearly instantly accepted that their sons are men. I have to think it's biological; a "survival of the species" thing-traditionally it's been moms who literally keep their children alive from conception through age 5 and beyond; and I am sure that it lingers on in some form even when the kids are fully functioning adults. I don't disagree that you and your daughter should leave for a safer place. Just make sure your wife knows you are not leaving HER; you are just giving your 8 year old a break from the turmoil. If you do leave, suggest that your wife turn off her phone (or leave it in the car) when she is with you and daughter. Be patient with your wife, everyone comes to detachment (or not) in their own way. (My own signature confesses that I tried "attached detachment" and even the notion is absurd.) I'm a bit concerned about her reading things here on your advice and then feeling like we are ganging up with you - but let's face it - I think every one of us has been pretty open that we STRUGGLED with detaching and that it took YEARS. I am still not there but I am not obsessing about difficult child as I once did. Wishing we had detached sooner is fine in hindsight, but detaching is a process and it's very very difficult when you are in crisis mode. I suggest some counseling with a therapist who is familiar with SA issues - not because your marriage needs it; but because you both need practical advice for dealing with your difficult child. It was the best thing H and I did and we only went a few times but it really clarified things. My other suggestion is to remember to turn TO each other and not ON each other. I say that aloud to myself when the going gets rough. [/QUOTE]
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