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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 379227" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>A strong message for your husband - kids do stupid things. Even easy child kids. Impulsivity is normal in all kids, especially boys. Especially teen boys as testosterone surges. Ask husband to think about some of the things he did as a kid. Ask him about what his friends got up to. Do not ask him to talk about this in front of difficult child!</p><p></p><p>"Boys will be boys". Never forget this. It doesn't mean you don't get angry and deal with each infraction, but this is normal, tat's what I'm saying.</p><p></p><p>GFGness adds another layer of parental concern.</p><p></p><p>Being too strict will not prevent, it just drives it underground. If instead you have more openness, then difficult child is going to be more inclined to come to you and say, "I don't think your request for me to [raise $500] was reasonable because..." While this may seem to be arguing, it is actually much healthier to engage in dialogue (and to allow it) because tat openness allows you to guide your child and to compromise .And in compromising with your child, you teach your child how to compromise.</p><p></p><p>This is what you have been doing. and what husband doesn't know how to do. To husband, compromise seems to be weakness. But it is actually strength. It shows your child that your ego is secure enough to e seen to be fallible and to change your mind. Also, circumstances can change and then decisions sometimes have to change.</p><p></p><p>It is not perfect, and to begin with, your kid is going to mistake dialogue for argument. YOU need to show him the difference calmly, politely and firmly. I think the first thing that needs to happen, is to make sure you and husband both know how to argue constructively, politely and effectively, with one another. There are rules that must be followed. There are other rules which are often broken and are the ones that cause problems. From what you say, husband breaks those rules when he says, "You're too soft with him, you're weak." In doing this, he is making "you" statements, he is blaming you, he is name-calling, he is dumping it all on you. Instead, he should learn to put it as "I" statements. "I feel frustrated when you don't back me up in being firm with difficult child."</p><p>This then leaves the door open for you to say, "I feel frustrated when you don't allow enough wiggle room, but instead lock us into a decision with difficult child that he can't achieve."</p><p>husband is almost certainly going to say at that point, "Well, I did it so he won't achieve it, we don't want him to have piercings yet."</p><p>At which point you say (because husband has just admitted to his real motive - the beauty of "I" statements), "So you don't want him to raise $500. Your main aim is to prevent him succeeding. It is not fair or kind to deliberately set your son up for failure. It also means that he will not learn his lesson, he will only fail in being pierced because he fails to raise the money. He won't learn anything about the good or bad about choosing or not choosing to have piercings. He also won't learn anything positive about respect for authority."</p><p></p><p>Constructive argument is an art and a gift. Once you can do it between you and husband, then you are equipped to teach your children. It is one of the best gifts you can give them.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 379227, member: 1991"] A strong message for your husband - kids do stupid things. Even easy child kids. Impulsivity is normal in all kids, especially boys. Especially teen boys as testosterone surges. Ask husband to think about some of the things he did as a kid. Ask him about what his friends got up to. Do not ask him to talk about this in front of difficult child! "Boys will be boys". Never forget this. It doesn't mean you don't get angry and deal with each infraction, but this is normal, tat's what I'm saying. GFGness adds another layer of parental concern. Being too strict will not prevent, it just drives it underground. If instead you have more openness, then difficult child is going to be more inclined to come to you and say, "I don't think your request for me to [raise $500] was reasonable because..." While this may seem to be arguing, it is actually much healthier to engage in dialogue (and to allow it) because tat openness allows you to guide your child and to compromise .And in compromising with your child, you teach your child how to compromise. This is what you have been doing. and what husband doesn't know how to do. To husband, compromise seems to be weakness. But it is actually strength. It shows your child that your ego is secure enough to e seen to be fallible and to change your mind. Also, circumstances can change and then decisions sometimes have to change. It is not perfect, and to begin with, your kid is going to mistake dialogue for argument. YOU need to show him the difference calmly, politely and firmly. I think the first thing that needs to happen, is to make sure you and husband both know how to argue constructively, politely and effectively, with one another. There are rules that must be followed. There are other rules which are often broken and are the ones that cause problems. From what you say, husband breaks those rules when he says, "You're too soft with him, you're weak." In doing this, he is making "you" statements, he is blaming you, he is name-calling, he is dumping it all on you. Instead, he should learn to put it as "I" statements. "I feel frustrated when you don't back me up in being firm with difficult child." This then leaves the door open for you to say, "I feel frustrated when you don't allow enough wiggle room, but instead lock us into a decision with difficult child that he can't achieve." husband is almost certainly going to say at that point, "Well, I did it so he won't achieve it, we don't want him to have piercings yet." At which point you say (because husband has just admitted to his real motive - the beauty of "I" statements), "So you don't want him to raise $500. Your main aim is to prevent him succeeding. It is not fair or kind to deliberately set your son up for failure. It also means that he will not learn his lesson, he will only fail in being pierced because he fails to raise the money. He won't learn anything about the good or bad about choosing or not choosing to have piercings. He also won't learn anything positive about respect for authority." Constructive argument is an art and a gift. Once you can do it between you and husband, then you are equipped to teach your children. It is one of the best gifts you can give them. Marg [/QUOTE]
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