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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 608916" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Cedar, my first reaction to your post is geez, some of us mom's are so incredibly hard on ourselves...........our own personal parental expectations of perfection seem to cause so much stress. Made me think of that fantasy mom you speak about, you know the one who isn't as invested in her kids successes or failures being a reflection of her parenting skill so she is more neutral or even tempered or accepting when the kids mess up. </p><p></p><p>Stress......... continuous, unrelenting, pounding stress.................trying to live up to an idea of parenting that we can't fulfill.............meeting that failure over and over again................after awhile there is so much stress within our bodies and minds that we can no longer distinguish between something like a normal everyday solvable issue and a crisis in the making. Yup, I've lived in that world pretty much my whole life...........and it sounds as if you Cedar have lived in that for most of yours as well. From a childhood without safety to kids who are challenging.............and all the life in between ............and a well put together internal universe based on control, perfection and unrealistic expectations...............as we age all those self images get harder and harder to hold together.</p><p></p><p>Our culture has a hard view of mothers too. In the eyes of many, we are responsible for our kids shooting people, abusing drugs, not fulfilling their potential, marrying the wrong person, not getting the best job..........and conversely, we take bows when they are accepted at Yale, become Doctors or movie stars, accept the awards and succeed in making money and attaining the American Dream. It's no wonder we place the mantel of responsibility on ourselves. Not all of us of course, but those of us with a fractured view of mothering............one which wasn't modeled to us by healthy parents.............what a recipe for needing to control ourselves and life.</p><p></p><p>For me, given my history and the level of stress I've had to deal with, I see much of this as an 'inside job' now. Certainly exacerbated by my family members, but after awhile it just is who I became...................and <em>only I can change it.</em>.......holding that vigil against failure is just too exhausting...........life is way too short............ I do a lot to create peace, calm & serenity and teach myself how to have different responses to all of it............I have the power to change that............all the blow ups around me may continue but I just decided I'm not going to react that way anymore............the toll is too great...........</p><p></p><p>The turning point for me came one night when I attended a support group at a local hospital.........for caretakers.........I had never been before, there were probably about 20 people there, all ages............I started talking and spontaneously I began crying............not just your run of the mill crying.............sobbing..............and I couldn't stop..............I went on talking and sobbing for an hour.............when the group ended people were so compassionate, obviously I had "lost it" and they were all so sympathetic. I went out to my car and continued crying. I put my head on the steering wheel and realized for the first time in my entire life, I had just lost control of my emotions, my well put together, perfect, 'nothing leaking out of the lines' persona had just cracked. I sat in that parking lot for a very, very long time as I came to understand just how stressed I was, just how off the charts my life had become with all the self induced expectations and real life expectations.............it had all become too much. I was embarrassed by my "public display"................and oh so in awe of how hard it had become to just hold on..........so tightly.</p><p></p><p>I wish I could say that the **** broke and it all changed in that moment, but that wasn't exactly the case. It's been a process of change over a long time. I made little and big changes, sought out help, attempted to scrutinize the places where I was trying so desperately to be in control of all of it.............and I am still doing that, 20 years after that event in the hospital. And, it's gotten so much better. But that was a turning point for sure. I had never lost my composure or my control like that before ...........</p><p></p><p>We weren't designed as humans to tolerate the kind of unrelenting stress that many of us deal with. We were designed to build that adrenalin and then when the crisis subsides to go back to a state of peace. Like animals do. But humans hold onto the fear of the past and our fear of that drama returning so we stay stressed awaiting that tiger to attack. Good Lord. Throw a couple of difficult child's in the mix and holy moly, what the heck happened to serenity?</p><p></p><p>I can only respond from my own experience and for me I've taken a hard look at that stress in my life and I've done much to bring my body, mind and spirit back into balance. Unrelenting stress can cause depression, heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, lowered immune system.....on and on. What I've noticed is that as the inside of me calms down, learns about DEEP relaxation, gets to some kind of balance point, those intense emotional responses are lessened if not eliminated completely. </p><p></p><p>For about 20 years I've been going to the same acupuncturist. She has become a friend. She always tells me that in our culture, people believe that resting, sleeping and doing nothing for awhile combats stress. However, it doesn't. If you are involved in a high stress lifestyle for whatever reason, it takes more then naps and down time to stop the body's long term reaction to stress, it takes serious training in deep relaxation which for me, was a learning experience which took some time. I had been in that high anxiety for a long time, I wasn't getting off at the next stop..........now when I go for my acupuncture appointment, I can drop down into that place MOST of the time, even now, sometimes I just can't get there...........it's been a real eye opener for me. We don't even know the damage we're doing to ourselves............until often it's too late..........</p><p></p><p>Cedar, I believe it's control. Trying to keep it all in control, although so human and so ordinary, is the very thing that creates so much stress. And, just look at all you've been through with your kids..............all these years of so much stress and so much beating yourself up to be a better parent...........when all along you did the very best you could have, if you had known better you would have done better. Isn't that all any of us can do?</p><p></p><p>I read your posts and I see myself all over the place. It's an interesting mirror you present to me. </p><p></p><p>I completely believe we can "learn a different emotional response." I do believe we can "do this without succumbing to the emotional thing." I believe we can respond not only appropriately, but calmly and unattached to the outcome, from our hearts, with strong boundaries and clear intent, with kindness and compassion as well as wisdom and love. I also believe that by you really seeing your own dramatic emotional response, you have the power to change that now. In understanding how those responses don't help, you can choose to respond in a totally different way.</p><p></p><p>Through all of your trials and heartaches Cedar, your willingness to change and be open and take a different stance is admirable and courageous. It's no easy task to make these kind of shifts in our perceptions............(we humans do tend to hold on so tight)..................good job...........I really do believe you and your husband will have many more of those light and airy evenings on the patio, listening to Dean, dancing and feeling that lightness of being that letting go brings............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 608916, member: 13542"] Cedar, my first reaction to your post is geez, some of us mom's are so incredibly hard on ourselves...........our own personal parental expectations of perfection seem to cause so much stress. Made me think of that fantasy mom you speak about, you know the one who isn't as invested in her kids successes or failures being a reflection of her parenting skill so she is more neutral or even tempered or accepting when the kids mess up. Stress......... continuous, unrelenting, pounding stress.................trying to live up to an idea of parenting that we can't fulfill.............meeting that failure over and over again................after awhile there is so much stress within our bodies and minds that we can no longer distinguish between something like a normal everyday solvable issue and a crisis in the making. Yup, I've lived in that world pretty much my whole life...........and it sounds as if you Cedar have lived in that for most of yours as well. From a childhood without safety to kids who are challenging.............and all the life in between ............and a well put together internal universe based on control, perfection and unrealistic expectations...............as we age all those self images get harder and harder to hold together. Our culture has a hard view of mothers too. In the eyes of many, we are responsible for our kids shooting people, abusing drugs, not fulfilling their potential, marrying the wrong person, not getting the best job..........and conversely, we take bows when they are accepted at Yale, become Doctors or movie stars, accept the awards and succeed in making money and attaining the American Dream. It's no wonder we place the mantel of responsibility on ourselves. Not all of us of course, but those of us with a fractured view of mothering............one which wasn't modeled to us by healthy parents.............what a recipe for needing to control ourselves and life. For me, given my history and the level of stress I've had to deal with, I see much of this as an 'inside job' now. Certainly exacerbated by my family members, but after awhile it just is who I became...................and [I]only I can change it.[/I].......holding that vigil against failure is just too exhausting...........life is way too short............ I do a lot to create peace, calm & serenity and teach myself how to have different responses to all of it............I have the power to change that............all the blow ups around me may continue but I just decided I'm not going to react that way anymore............the toll is too great........... The turning point for me came one night when I attended a support group at a local hospital.........for caretakers.........I had never been before, there were probably about 20 people there, all ages............I started talking and spontaneously I began crying............not just your run of the mill crying.............sobbing..............and I couldn't stop..............I went on talking and sobbing for an hour.............when the group ended people were so compassionate, obviously I had "lost it" and they were all so sympathetic. I went out to my car and continued crying. I put my head on the steering wheel and realized for the first time in my entire life, I had just lost control of my emotions, my well put together, perfect, 'nothing leaking out of the lines' persona had just cracked. I sat in that parking lot for a very, very long time as I came to understand just how stressed I was, just how off the charts my life had become with all the self induced expectations and real life expectations.............it had all become too much. I was embarrassed by my "public display"................and oh so in awe of how hard it had become to just hold on..........so tightly. I wish I could say that the **** broke and it all changed in that moment, but that wasn't exactly the case. It's been a process of change over a long time. I made little and big changes, sought out help, attempted to scrutinize the places where I was trying so desperately to be in control of all of it.............and I am still doing that, 20 years after that event in the hospital. And, it's gotten so much better. But that was a turning point for sure. I had never lost my composure or my control like that before ........... We weren't designed as humans to tolerate the kind of unrelenting stress that many of us deal with. We were designed to build that adrenalin and then when the crisis subsides to go back to a state of peace. Like animals do. But humans hold onto the fear of the past and our fear of that drama returning so we stay stressed awaiting that tiger to attack. Good Lord. Throw a couple of difficult child's in the mix and holy moly, what the heck happened to serenity? I can only respond from my own experience and for me I've taken a hard look at that stress in my life and I've done much to bring my body, mind and spirit back into balance. Unrelenting stress can cause depression, heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, lowered immune system.....on and on. What I've noticed is that as the inside of me calms down, learns about DEEP relaxation, gets to some kind of balance point, those intense emotional responses are lessened if not eliminated completely. For about 20 years I've been going to the same acupuncturist. She has become a friend. She always tells me that in our culture, people believe that resting, sleeping and doing nothing for awhile combats stress. However, it doesn't. If you are involved in a high stress lifestyle for whatever reason, it takes more then naps and down time to stop the body's long term reaction to stress, it takes serious training in deep relaxation which for me, was a learning experience which took some time. I had been in that high anxiety for a long time, I wasn't getting off at the next stop..........now when I go for my acupuncture appointment, I can drop down into that place MOST of the time, even now, sometimes I just can't get there...........it's been a real eye opener for me. We don't even know the damage we're doing to ourselves............until often it's too late.......... Cedar, I believe it's control. Trying to keep it all in control, although so human and so ordinary, is the very thing that creates so much stress. And, just look at all you've been through with your kids..............all these years of so much stress and so much beating yourself up to be a better parent...........when all along you did the very best you could have, if you had known better you would have done better. Isn't that all any of us can do? I read your posts and I see myself all over the place. It's an interesting mirror you present to me. I completely believe we can "learn a different emotional response." I do believe we can "do this without succumbing to the emotional thing." I believe we can respond not only appropriately, but calmly and unattached to the outcome, from our hearts, with strong boundaries and clear intent, with kindness and compassion as well as wisdom and love. I also believe that by you really seeing your own dramatic emotional response, you have the power to change that now. In understanding how those responses don't help, you can choose to respond in a totally different way. Through all of your trials and heartaches Cedar, your willingness to change and be open and take a different stance is admirable and courageous. It's no easy task to make these kind of shifts in our perceptions............(we humans do tend to hold on so tight)..................good job...........I really do believe you and your husband will have many more of those light and airy evenings on the patio, listening to Dean, dancing and feeling that lightness of being that letting go brings............ [/QUOTE]
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