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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 610166" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>I don't know that I would say a false persona, Recovering. I think those functioning beneath a false persona come across as wrapped in cotton, kind of. They don't seem to experience empathy. They very much see only themselves, functioning in a world they don't really see. As this process continues for me, I may be able to look back and see those characteristics in myself. For right now though, I think that for both you and me, our interactions in the world have been very much things of clear and conscious choice. I see good things and bad things pretty sharply. I think you do, too. The difference, for you and me, seems to have been a sincere belief that, given the chance, given the outspoken support of someone who believes in us, anyone can change, can make a different choice, can see a better way to be INSIDE, where it matters. </p><p></p><p>I think we have both tried to live our lives from that belief system. That is very different than being "too nice."</p><p></p><p>I think we have made that choice because we have both experienced, too many times, the destructive power of negative words spoken in anger. </p><p></p><p>I think we both may have learned to be afraid of our anger because of these experiences. And yet, appropriate anger is a legitimate and healthy thing.</p><p>And that may be what we are taking a look at, now. Freeing ourselves from a kind of self-imposed bondage come of having been raised by people who were, and who remained, all their lives, way out there, on the sanity/rage spectrum. I think part of what we may both be learning now is that it was not anger, but rage that we were afraid of. There are people who find legitimacy in rage. And those were the kinds of people who taught us about anger. Here is a secret: Given that we were sane, even as little girls, we chose against rage. But we were little girls and so, we didn't know the difference between anger and rage. What we taught ourselves was that anger automatically flares into rage, because that is what we saw. That is what we are relearning, now.</p><p></p><p>Anger tells us we need clarification.</p><p></p><p>Anger is like, "What do you mean?" (Asking for clarification.) Rage is like, "Who do you think you are!" Rage is a kind of insanity. Anger is a legitimate indication that clarification is required. </p><p></p><p>I wholeheartedly agree that, whatever it is that is happening now, I feel...I don't know. That my perceptions are valid, that I can trust them and myself, that I am not automatically going to assume the other guy's interpretation is valid. I am surprised at the anger I've been carrying, surprised at the immediacy of it. In so many instances, it is right not to give in to anger. But there are times when it is appropriate. Those are the times when, looking back, I still feel that immediacy of anger. I realize now that all I ever had to do to confront the issue was to ask for clarification. Not fly into a rage. Not be treated to the other guy's scary, I'm-out-of-control-and-you-better-look-out rage. </p><p></p><p>So simple.</p><p></p><p>I have been afraid of my own anger, have been afraid of expressing, of even hinting, that I might be angry, because I thought anger and rage were synonymous. </p><p></p><p>I think that is the difference between someone living through a false persona, and someone, like you and like me, who sees the situation with sometimes excruciating clarity.</p><p></p><p>****************</p><p></p><p>I agree that our daughters have been instrumental in re-traumatizing us to the point of looking at these things, now. I think we may have reached these conclusions long since, may never have had to revisit any of this at all, had these things not happened, with our daughters. The only real meaning I have been able to take from everything that has happened is that, after all, I love her. </p><p></p><p>Boy, do I.</p><p></p><p></p><p>On the overnight success after 60 years, Recovering...our lives have been creations of our own making. We have been functioning, choosing, growing, courageous women, working and celebrating our lives mostly at a disadvantage of one kind or another, all of our lives. There is, as you know, a genetic component to mental illness. We have been creating our lives against that backdrop, Recovering. And yet, in both of us, there is a depth of compassion, a generosity of spirit, an almost innocent celebration in the glory of whatever we had left. We haven't been wrong, Recovering. We have lived by our choices. We are choosing again, right now, just as we always have, to grow, and to be as strong and as conflict-free as we are able to perceive it is possible to be.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 610166, member: 1721"] I don't know that I would say a false persona, Recovering. I think those functioning beneath a false persona come across as wrapped in cotton, kind of. They don't seem to experience empathy. They very much see only themselves, functioning in a world they don't really see. As this process continues for me, I may be able to look back and see those characteristics in myself. For right now though, I think that for both you and me, our interactions in the world have been very much things of clear and conscious choice. I see good things and bad things pretty sharply. I think you do, too. The difference, for you and me, seems to have been a sincere belief that, given the chance, given the outspoken support of someone who believes in us, anyone can change, can make a different choice, can see a better way to be INSIDE, where it matters. I think we have both tried to live our lives from that belief system. That is very different than being "too nice." I think we have made that choice because we have both experienced, too many times, the destructive power of negative words spoken in anger. I think we both may have learned to be afraid of our anger because of these experiences. And yet, appropriate anger is a legitimate and healthy thing. And that may be what we are taking a look at, now. Freeing ourselves from a kind of self-imposed bondage come of having been raised by people who were, and who remained, all their lives, way out there, on the sanity/rage spectrum. I think part of what we may both be learning now is that it was not anger, but rage that we were afraid of. There are people who find legitimacy in rage. And those were the kinds of people who taught us about anger. Here is a secret: Given that we were sane, even as little girls, we chose against rage. But we were little girls and so, we didn't know the difference between anger and rage. What we taught ourselves was that anger automatically flares into rage, because that is what we saw. That is what we are relearning, now. Anger tells us we need clarification. Anger is like, "What do you mean?" (Asking for clarification.) Rage is like, "Who do you think you are!" Rage is a kind of insanity. Anger is a legitimate indication that clarification is required. I wholeheartedly agree that, whatever it is that is happening now, I feel...I don't know. That my perceptions are valid, that I can trust them and myself, that I am not automatically going to assume the other guy's interpretation is valid. I am surprised at the anger I've been carrying, surprised at the immediacy of it. In so many instances, it is right not to give in to anger. But there are times when it is appropriate. Those are the times when, looking back, I still feel that immediacy of anger. I realize now that all I ever had to do to confront the issue was to ask for clarification. Not fly into a rage. Not be treated to the other guy's scary, I'm-out-of-control-and-you-better-look-out rage. So simple. I have been afraid of my own anger, have been afraid of expressing, of even hinting, that I might be angry, because I thought anger and rage were synonymous. I think that is the difference between someone living through a false persona, and someone, like you and like me, who sees the situation with sometimes excruciating clarity. **************** I agree that our daughters have been instrumental in re-traumatizing us to the point of looking at these things, now. I think we may have reached these conclusions long since, may never have had to revisit any of this at all, had these things not happened, with our daughters. The only real meaning I have been able to take from everything that has happened is that, after all, I love her. Boy, do I. On the overnight success after 60 years, Recovering...our lives have been creations of our own making. We have been functioning, choosing, growing, courageous women, working and celebrating our lives mostly at a disadvantage of one kind or another, all of our lives. There is, as you know, a genetic component to mental illness. We have been creating our lives against that backdrop, Recovering. And yet, in both of us, there is a depth of compassion, a generosity of spirit, an almost innocent celebration in the glory of whatever we had left. We haven't been wrong, Recovering. We have lived by our choices. We are choosing again, right now, just as we always have, to grow, and to be as strong and as conflict-free as we are able to perceive it is possible to be. :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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