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Interesting Emotional Response
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 610339" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>You've given me some interesting things to think about and examine, Recovering. </p><p></p><p>Especially the power/authenticity piece.</p><p></p><p>I have to think about this for a little while, now.</p><p></p><p>Annie O? The initial conversation was about anxiety responses. That is how we got into taking a look at what is operating under the response. Negative or inappropriate belief systems learned in dysfunctional family systems sometimes come roaring back when we are under the kind of long-term stress our difficult children bring on. Allowing the feelings to surface so they can be examined often takes away the emotional charge they carried. We can understand, by looking back at childhood situations in which we taught ourselves terrible things about who we were, that it was the parent who was wrong. Often, even as adults, it is impossible to see ourselves as other than wrong or bad, and this is where a good therapist comes in. </p><p></p><p>They witness for us until we can witness for ourselves.</p><p></p><p>Anyway, there is an emotional release when that happens. Because we are seeing for ourselves, rather than through the parent's eyes, we see ourselves with compassion rather than disgust ~ or whatever other emotion the parent was reflecting into the child during the abusive episode. Along with the guilt of having disappointed the parent and the fear of abandonment, the child incorporates the parent's reflected belief that the child is whatever bad thing the parent feels about himself. Then, we seal the whole thing in ice, so that we can function, at all. We go out into the world without being able to access our feelings or memories around the areas where we have been traumatized, Sometimes, we have been hurt so many times that mostly, we are frozen inside. </p><p></p><p>That is why Recovering posted that we are fortunate to have been given the opportunity to have another look at those old woundings.</p><p></p><p>When this stuff first thaws out though, it is as toxic as it was when we sealed it away in the first place. Thus, that stupid anxiety response.</p><p></p><p>Recovering? I am the oldest, too. </p><p></p><p>You are right Annie, about letting go of control and perfection. If I could do that, I would make it through what happens with my kids in better shape, for sure. That is what Recovering meant, when she posted that parents abused in their own childhoods have a tougher time coping with troubled kids. And that is what was happening to me just lately ~ except that the reaction was over a Homecoming dress. It was really crazy, and so, I decided to post about it, just in case I am not the only one this global anxiety thing happens to.</p><p></p><p>Whether we have had difficult childhoods or not, difficult child kids create traumatic episodes for the parent, over time. Again and again, there is such shock and shame and disbelief and disappointment. As the difficult child child continues to slide, those traumas come front and center for us ~ along with our own conflicted emotions about what happened with the difficult child, last time ~ at the same time as we are trying to deal with whatever the new terrible, hopeful, or disappointing thing is. So, I think all parents of difficult children go through this to some degree.</p><p></p><p>And you are right. If we could just let it go....</p><p></p><p>It's so hard to do that. </p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 610339, member: 1721"] You've given me some interesting things to think about and examine, Recovering. Especially the power/authenticity piece. I have to think about this for a little while, now. Annie O? The initial conversation was about anxiety responses. That is how we got into taking a look at what is operating under the response. Negative or inappropriate belief systems learned in dysfunctional family systems sometimes come roaring back when we are under the kind of long-term stress our difficult children bring on. Allowing the feelings to surface so they can be examined often takes away the emotional charge they carried. We can understand, by looking back at childhood situations in which we taught ourselves terrible things about who we were, that it was the parent who was wrong. Often, even as adults, it is impossible to see ourselves as other than wrong or bad, and this is where a good therapist comes in. They witness for us until we can witness for ourselves. Anyway, there is an emotional release when that happens. Because we are seeing for ourselves, rather than through the parent's eyes, we see ourselves with compassion rather than disgust ~ or whatever other emotion the parent was reflecting into the child during the abusive episode. Along with the guilt of having disappointed the parent and the fear of abandonment, the child incorporates the parent's reflected belief that the child is whatever bad thing the parent feels about himself. Then, we seal the whole thing in ice, so that we can function, at all. We go out into the world without being able to access our feelings or memories around the areas where we have been traumatized, Sometimes, we have been hurt so many times that mostly, we are frozen inside. That is why Recovering posted that we are fortunate to have been given the opportunity to have another look at those old woundings. When this stuff first thaws out though, it is as toxic as it was when we sealed it away in the first place. Thus, that stupid anxiety response. Recovering? I am the oldest, too. You are right Annie, about letting go of control and perfection. If I could do that, I would make it through what happens with my kids in better shape, for sure. That is what Recovering meant, when she posted that parents abused in their own childhoods have a tougher time coping with troubled kids. And that is what was happening to me just lately ~ except that the reaction was over a Homecoming dress. It was really crazy, and so, I decided to post about it, just in case I am not the only one this global anxiety thing happens to. Whether we have had difficult childhoods or not, difficult child kids create traumatic episodes for the parent, over time. Again and again, there is such shock and shame and disbelief and disappointment. As the difficult child child continues to slide, those traumas come front and center for us ~ along with our own conflicted emotions about what happened with the difficult child, last time ~ at the same time as we are trying to deal with whatever the new terrible, hopeful, or disappointing thing is. So, I think all parents of difficult children go through this to some degree. And you are right. If we could just let it go.... It's so hard to do that. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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