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<blockquote data-quote="greenrene" data-source="post: 611010" data-attributes="member: 9177"><p>My mother is undiagnosed, but she has many narcissistic, borderline, and bipolar traits. I've never felt any real sort of bond with her; in fact, I have always felt repelled. There was some physical abuse (I remember being shaken and hit), but the mental/emotional was way worse.</p><p></p><p>I never saw myself being a mother. In fact, I was secretly terrified throughout my first pregnancy - would I be able to bond with my child? Would I be able to love my child and give them what I never had? As soon as he was born and in my arms, all that fear just faded - he had my heart, and I loved him more than I ever thought I could love anyone. I was feeling such enormous joy and love for that sweet baby boy, and at the same time I was feeling intense grief - I was a baby like that once, how could my mom NOT love me like that? I grieved for the relationship that I'd always wanted and needed but would never have. It was a very intense, emotional time, made moreso by the fact that my grandmother (maternal) died when my son was just 5 days old.</p><p></p><p>Although having my own children has been a healing force for me, there is much that I feel is still unresolved. Raising difficult child has, I fear, stunted me and set me back quite a bit in my personal growth. And with that, I have to go - my newest little one is waking up...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="greenrene, post: 611010, member: 9177"] My mother is undiagnosed, but she has many narcissistic, borderline, and bipolar traits. I've never felt any real sort of bond with her; in fact, I have always felt repelled. There was some physical abuse (I remember being shaken and hit), but the mental/emotional was way worse. I never saw myself being a mother. In fact, I was secretly terrified throughout my first pregnancy - would I be able to bond with my child? Would I be able to love my child and give them what I never had? As soon as he was born and in my arms, all that fear just faded - he had my heart, and I loved him more than I ever thought I could love anyone. I was feeling such enormous joy and love for that sweet baby boy, and at the same time I was feeling intense grief - I was a baby like that once, how could my mom NOT love me like that? I grieved for the relationship that I'd always wanted and needed but would never have. It was a very intense, emotional time, made moreso by the fact that my grandmother (maternal) died when my son was just 5 days old. Although having my own children has been a healing force for me, there is much that I feel is still unresolved. Raising difficult child has, I fear, stunted me and set me back quite a bit in my personal growth. And with that, I have to go - my newest little one is waking up... [/QUOTE]
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