Interesting Take on What Creates Healthy Family

Discussion in 'Family of Origin' started by Scent of Cedar *, Sep 12, 2015.

  1. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I wish I had read this article before I became a mother.

    The article compares the values taught between families determined to create joyful homes and those determined, from the beginning, to develop strength of character.

    The comparison used in this article was sports; was the culture of bravery and wins and losses and self determination a strong sports orientation provides, as opposed to those families (like mine was) where the emphasis was on self esteem.

    I wanted my kids never to have that core shame in them that I fight so hard to define and eradicate in my own life.

    Huh.

    It would follow that any challenging activity, sincerely undertaken, would have the same effect of establishing a family culture of bravery and self efficacy and self value.

    Because of the way I grew up, I was determined to create a happy, well-run home for my husband and children. Home was the emphasis; happy was the emphasis. I swear you guys, I worked like a dog to make home a safe, happy place for all of us. You could have blown me right over with a feather when trouble came and I could not find a way to address it.

    This article, the value systems espoused in it ~ this is where I may have made a difference for my kids.

    When I think about it, detachment parenting is about facing what is real about what the kids are choosing and requiring that the kids see it, too.

    It is not too late to do that.

    Here is the article.

    http://www.parentleadership.com/signs.html

    Cedar
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh, Cedar, we tend to give our kids what we wanted so badly, if we have caring hearts at all. Other elements contribute to our our kid's development besides us. There are movies, school, activities, peers...the older they get the more there are peers.

    I feel I have been both a success and a failure as a mother and I can no longer blame myself. With the skills I was given, at least, if anything, I was too nice. One day I was in one bedroom and my son Goneboy was in the next room talking on those old fashion phones we used to have :) He was saying to the person he was talking to, non-verbatim, "My mother is TOO nice. She is nice, but TOO nice." He did not sound like he thought it was bad, but he did sound as if I should be lowering the boom more often. Still, clearly he was not upset. Oh, if he only remembered himself saying that...lol.

    I failed Goneboy and in some ways Bart. I did not want Bart to hear th e words my mother used for me. When he got into problems, I talked to him, was kind, and always stuck up for him, especially when he got into a mess in school behavior. He was always so smart that academics was never an issue; behavior sometimes was. So I interceded for him too much perhaps and that may be why he still has trouble handling his own problems, even at age 37. I feel Princess got caught in the divorce and maybe I should have waited longer, but, when it came down to things, I do feel I did he right things for Princess so I do not feel I failed her. She can handle herself with poise and independence and her self-esteem has climbed and she has so many skills. She is a phenomenal, involved, loving, patient mother to my precious granddaughter..I'd say moreso than most mothers are. Better than I was. And I tell her that all the time to validate her and she told me she appreciates hearing it, as does her SO who has become a great father.

    I feel I did my best parenting when I had my husband to help me with Jumper and Sonic. Without a doubt, they had th e very best childhoods.

    With Bart, my first, I was over involved emotionally in his life. I really was lucky that I read a book that described me to me so I stopped it while he was still young. After that I let all of my kids, Bart included, lead their own lives without getting overly involved in their lives, with a few slip ups. The result is that Princess, Sonic, and Jumper take care of their own issues. Yes, Sonic too. Bart comes to me. But I try to help him think of his own solutions.

    Paretning is hard. But at least they all think I loved them. Well, I don't know what Goneboy thinks now.l I know he thought so when he was under 18 and no more.

    We had little to work with and only dysfunctional relations or no relatives to help love our kids. WE did the best we could. Cedar, remember how well your sweet daughter, whom I just adore, is doing and that your son is learning to do things himself. Better late than never. We are proof of that.

    Copa, I am so darn proud of your son.

    We all need to validate ourselvs when something we try works out.

    We have to remember where we started and where we are now.
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2015
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