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Parent Emeritus
Interesting take on why adult children think it's ok to cut off parents
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 654065" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Cedar...I feel judged, but wrongly judged. Sorry, but I'm not what you think I am, abusive Scapegoater <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/felttip/meh.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":meh:" title="meh :meh:" data-shortname=":meh:" /> You don't know me, certainly not my heart.</p><p></p><p>Funny thing, that's what my sister says. "I'm not that way!" Then she does it to others. Anyway, I don't feel useless like they want me to feel; like I used to feel. Honestly, in my 20's I used to tell people, "Oh, my mom was a good mom, I was just a terrible kid." This is no exaggeration. My best friend from that day remembers (I just spoke with her the other day. She is great at putting things into perspective). She remembers how shocked she was when I first told her that one. I really believed it too. The kid was "bad" not the mother.</p><p></p><p>But I don't buy what they are selling anymore. It's maddening that they think this, but it is false. I know this for a fact in the forefront of my mind. I think it has to do with the fact that if I was like they say, I would not have a husband of almost twenty years who is happy with me and kids who like to be with me and ask to be with me. I can honestly say my kids like to be with me and ask to be with me. Since my being seen as "bad" is basically a family of origin issue, I kind of think it's them. They were brought up to think so and they know me a lot less than those who live with me now. FOO tends to see you in spurts, with long gaps in between. Also, people tend to remember the bad more than the good, at least people in my FOO. They do not see the nice things you do on a day-to-day basis. And they tend to make up negative excuses for the good things you do. Example:</p><p></p><p>Mother: You only adopted kids to get the MONEY from the STATE.</p><p></p><p>It doesn't matter that adopting overseas nets you no money and in fact costs you money and that private adoption is the same. We did get a small subsidy for Sonic, and it got larger when his diagnosis changed, but it was hardly a fortune or why we adopted him and we have not dumped him now that he is twenty and we are no longer getting a subsidy. If you are the scapegoat, anything you do that is good will be demeaned. And you will get no respect either. Heck, two people in my family have made obviously racist comments to me about blacks in general even though they are aware I have two beloved, VERY beloved, and very special black and part black children.</p><p></p><p>Your abusers have no boundaries regarding disrespect. When I called both out on them, one backed off and never mentioned it again. The other one said it was not a racist comment. Of course not. If you say it, it has to be good.</p><p></p><p>So why do we care when people like this cut us off? Maybe, in my case, it is only because they got the last word? They got to choose? It certainly is not that they are missed. And if given a chance, which is very likely, I wll never reconnect. Enough is enough. I like peace, not drama.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 654065, member: 1550"] Cedar...I feel judged, but wrongly judged. Sorry, but I'm not what you think I am, abusive Scapegoater :meh: You don't know me, certainly not my heart. Funny thing, that's what my sister says. "I'm not that way!" Then she does it to others. Anyway, I don't feel useless like they want me to feel; like I used to feel. Honestly, in my 20's I used to tell people, "Oh, my mom was a good mom, I was just a terrible kid." This is no exaggeration. My best friend from that day remembers (I just spoke with her the other day. She is great at putting things into perspective). She remembers how shocked she was when I first told her that one. I really believed it too. The kid was "bad" not the mother. But I don't buy what they are selling anymore. It's maddening that they think this, but it is false. I know this for a fact in the forefront of my mind. I think it has to do with the fact that if I was like they say, I would not have a husband of almost twenty years who is happy with me and kids who like to be with me and ask to be with me. I can honestly say my kids like to be with me and ask to be with me. Since my being seen as "bad" is basically a family of origin issue, I kind of think it's them. They were brought up to think so and they know me a lot less than those who live with me now. FOO tends to see you in spurts, with long gaps in between. Also, people tend to remember the bad more than the good, at least people in my FOO. They do not see the nice things you do on a day-to-day basis. And they tend to make up negative excuses for the good things you do. Example: Mother: You only adopted kids to get the MONEY from the STATE. It doesn't matter that adopting overseas nets you no money and in fact costs you money and that private adoption is the same. We did get a small subsidy for Sonic, and it got larger when his diagnosis changed, but it was hardly a fortune or why we adopted him and we have not dumped him now that he is twenty and we are no longer getting a subsidy. If you are the scapegoat, anything you do that is good will be demeaned. And you will get no respect either. Heck, two people in my family have made obviously racist comments to me about blacks in general even though they are aware I have two beloved, VERY beloved, and very special black and part black children. Your abusers have no boundaries regarding disrespect. When I called both out on them, one backed off and never mentioned it again. The other one said it was not a racist comment. Of course not. If you say it, it has to be good. So why do we care when people like this cut us off? Maybe, in my case, it is only because they got the last word? They got to choose? It certainly is not that they are missed. And if given a chance, which is very likely, I wll never reconnect. Enough is enough. I like peace, not drama. [/QUOTE]
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Interesting take on why adult children think it's ok to cut off parents
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