Intro/16 y.o. with- odd

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by onmyknees, Nov 7, 2007.

  1. onmyknees

    onmyknees New Member

    Just found this site. I'm very encouraged reading your posts, not so much that their is a "solution" to this problem, but that their are others who might understand.

    My husband and I have 3 kiddos, oldest is 16 daughter and is an absolute mystery to me and husband. I can't even begin to tell you all what we've been through in the last 3 or 4 yrs. She was a very quiet sweet obedient child until about age 12. Lots of sneaking, lying, etc. She was diagnosis as add (inattentive) and odd at age 14. She's compliant with- teachers/other adults and most peers. I don't really get that with her diagnosis??? Anyway, we are in the trenches here and unable to discipline her. I'm really not making excuses, it's impossible!! It has gotten to the point of us calling in the police when we tell her no. That would happen every day if we didn't give in. She's been in short term inpatient and is in counseling and on add medication concerta, antidepressant, and birth control (Never Ever thought I would go there...but dr. recommended it to help with- pms mood swings). She has lost everything we've tried to give her because she simply can't handle anything. Internet access was a nightmare (bad pictures, language etc...), car gone...skipping school, basically she has a bed and food and clothes. It's beginning to ruin our family. We have a great 13 y.o. son that obeys very well, but is starting to ask why he can't do such and such, since daughter can. I refuse to argue with her with the other kids around and it's come to that if we try to discipline her. I refuse to make our home a warzone. Bless you if you've read this far! I'm just looking for someone who's in my shoes and need to talk. I've always lead a good life, I think I've been a good mom, I don't understand how this came to be.

    Thanks
     
  2. Anna1345

    Anna1345 New Member

    {{{HUGS}}}} Welcome! I know how hard this must be for you. I fear I am not far behind with Michael. I have no words of wisdom, just some hugs!

    I do know what does work with my difficult child is to really be consistent. He will not go anywhere. I am one of those that believes in no privacy until you are paying your own rent. I have been known to take doors off of hinges too. I search everything in front of him and while he is gone. He knows I will do it to. In my heart I trust nothing he says. I assume everything is a scheme to get something over on me -- I guess it is a protective measure on my part however it has on 3 occasions prevented him from doing some questionable things.

    If she is going to be so defiant as to getting violent and the like, then call the cops. And if you need to do it every time, then do it. The idea is you stay completely non confrontational with her even if that means saying nothing. Just block her from leaving the house with your body until the cops come. Doing this 5 or 6 times she will learn very quickly that you are not playing. In addition, it will show your other children that you will not stoop to her screaming and raging level. Hang in there!
     
  3. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    :flower:
    Just wanted to welcome you!

    It is a hard journey, but this is such a soft place to land.

    Keep posting, and we will keep listening.
     
  4. jamrobmic

    jamrobmic New Member

    Your daughter's story is similar to my son's-he was pretty well-behaved up to about the age of 8-9, wasn't too bad until the age of 15, and then it was like someone flipped a switch. His behavior became out of control almost overnight. He was diagnosis ADD/ODD at 15, and you can see by my signature where we went from there. We couldn't discipline him at all, either (like you, we ended up calling the police more than once), and we finally ended up putting him in the juvenile justice system, thinking that would make him straighten up. It didn't. If it helps any, the years from 15-17 were the absolute worst for us, but it got slowly better after that. He's still difficult and can be oppositional, but nothing like those middle teen years. I really feel for you being in the middle of it.

    Anyway, welcome you to our little world :smile:
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This is a tough question, but my daughter was just like yours--a real sweetie until she turned twelve. She may have had undiagnosed ADHD, but the real problem was she'd started using drugs and drinking. Are you positive she's not? I couldn't imagine that my daughter would. She had always been loudly vocal about even smoking cigarettes. Dummy that I was, I didn't realize she was doing drugs until she was busted for pot and then I believed it was only pot. Not that pot is a GOOD thing.
    She went from a good, although sensitive child to a raving maniac with moodswings, crying spells, etc. And she also was "good" around others. I'm throwing that out here because it was the last thing that prudish little me thought of when my daughter suddenly seemed to turn into The Rebel Without a Cause. Please make sure your daughter is clean. A drug test may insult her, but it could also save both of you grief. When changes happen very suddenly like hers did, I think we all need to look at possible drug use. My daughter, who is now clean, told me, "Never trust a druggie. They always lie."
     
  6. lynnp

    lynnp New Member

    I understand your bewilderment. It's hard to let go of the parent you thought you always were and would become. This place is packed with folks who have worked incredibly hard to redefine what parenting means. YOu'll find lots of support here. Good luck.
     
  7. onmyknees

    onmyknees New Member

    Thanks so much for all the wise words and comfort.

    Midwestmom, I do know she is clean, she has had 2 seperate tests when she went into inpatient treatment for attemp. suicide (another way of trying to get her way by trying to drink cleaning stuff etc.). And more recently, she got a job at a local grocer and they tested her and that came back clean. (She starts Sunday...we'll see how long that lasts...crossing my fingers). She has however, admitted to her therapist that she has tried marijuana twice, so I'm not going to ignore the fact that she needs to be tested in the future. She does smoke cigarettes, and I'm on a mission right now to find out who's supplying her.

    I guess I'm just in shock at how brazin (sp?) she is about her behavior. See's nothing out of the ordinary about smoking in our garage or telling her dad and I to F.O. This is just beyond me. She's been kicked out of one school for threatening a student and almost out of her current school for guess what...the same dang thing. Never Never Learns!! Anyway, I could go on and on and on...it feels like I'm bracing for a crisis constantly.

    I'm hoping I can be of help to you all somehow too! Maybe I'll be an expert by the time she straightens out.



    Thanks Again!
     
  8. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Hi and welcome. I imagine you're going to see that your daughter is like many of ours! Your daughter certainly sounds a lot like my daughter and mine just turned 18. Nothing is truly resolved, but some things are better and some are not.

    Personally, I would not bother fighting the battle over cigarettes. Just let her know that she needs to do it outdoors and pick up her bu.tts and put them in the trash. I fought that battle with my daughter and at some point realized that in the big picture, it wasn't worth the fight - there were so many other issues going on that needed my attention and energy moreso, so I gave up. It actually lessened the amount my difficult child smoked, believe it or not and I think it's because I made it such a non-issue (there was nothing to pi.ss me off about it anymore, so she slowed way down).

    I would continue with the random drug testing. Hopefully her doctors will be able to get a good grasp on what's going on. I was never very interested in the official diagnosis, but rather way more interested in the treatment that helped. There is no cure-all, but there are many combinations of medications and therapy that can help. Try and focus on that.

    My difficult child was initially diagnosed with tourette (which is a true diagnosis), ADHD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), then that was changed to include ODD, Depression. Then NOT depression, but Bipolar. Then NOT bipolar, but Post traumatic stress syndrome. Then not PTSD...I mean, it just continually changes. My official diagnosis for my difficult child is:

    pita, confused, oppositional, depressed, but most of all DIFFICULT. So no matter which diagnosis she recieves, in my opinion, it's the treatment and care she recieves that is most important.

    This is a great place for you to be - hugs and best wishes! Keep strong. :warrior:
     
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry you are having such a tough time. I am glad you found us though. There will be lots of people and advice and ideas. Please know that you can take what you want and leave the rest with no insult to any of us.

    We KNOW that not every idea works for a child or family. been there done that, and it was not a fun ride!

    As for your daughter, first get her in to a neurologist for an evaluation. It should include a SLEEP DEPRIVED EEG. This may show seizures that you would never otherwise know about. My daughter was tested as a routine thing and surprised ALL of us by having a form of epilepsy.

    Seizures can do all sorts of strange things with behavior.

    If she will cooperate, a neuropsychologist evaluation or multidisciplinary evaluation would be very helpful.

    Regardless of HER actions, the info on http://www.loveandlogic.com may be very helpful in figuring out a parenting style that works for your family. They have a lot of info and free stuff on the website, and some of the 1 day seminars for parents and teachers are less expensive than some doctor visits. The books and cds and tapes are great. They do have items specially aimed at parents of teens.

    One thing I like is that one of the doctors is the son of one of the founders. he was RAISED with this, and it seems to be very effective. It might be worth looking at the website and/or the books at the bookstore.

    Hugs,

    Susie
     
  10. Mary A.

    Mary A. New Member

    I just saw your post...and a reflection of my life with my 13-year-old ODD son. I had the police at my house three times one day recently. The good ones tell him to mind his mother. The bad ones think I'm beating him and starving him to death because that's what he tells them...and they believe him.

    I'm currently researching parent abuse because I have to know my legal rights. I'm really tired of being accused of abusing him every time I have to say no to him or get him to do something that he doesn't want to do--basic chores, school work, change his clothes--and he starts screaming child abuse. Because the police are mandatory reporters, they have to take his allegations seriously. It's not funny anymore.

    Have you found anything that works other than giving in to the terrorism?

    Mary A.
     
  11. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    Welcome onmyknees -

    I've been where you are. I know how scary and frustrating this is. I really do.

    Why do some kids remain compliant and others go haywire upon adolescence? The million dollar question.

    Have you ever read the book called "Saving Ophelia" by Mary Pipher? It really helped me to understand some of the forces bearing down on my daughter when she hit adolescence. I highly recommend it.
     
  12. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Mood swings, suicide attempt, ability to comply with expectations outside the home, no problems until age 12.....

    ADHD (inattentive), particularly in girls, can and often does slip through undetected early on. ODD usually presents prior to age 12. Puberty kicking in can certainly cause unexpected problems. But I can't tell you how many times I've seen an ADHD/ODD diagnosis turn out to be bipolar disorder -- sometimes with co-existing ADHD and sometimes not.

    If there is any family history of mood disorders, depression, bipolar, etc., there's a possibility the real underlying problem hasn't yet been identified or appropriately treated.

    Antidepressants and ADHD medications taken by an individual with bipolar disorder can cause problems. So, if you've seen further destabilization in your daughter after taking these type medications, it's something you'd want to bring to the psychiatrist's attention.

    You might also want to consider getting a copy of "The Bipolar Child" and see if anything rings a bell for you.

    Welcome to the site. :smile:
     
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