Intro and looking for words of strength

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by littlereed, Mar 17, 2014.

  1. littlereed

    littlereed New Member

    I am new to this forum but feel I can relate to so many of your struggles and stories. I am dealing with an adult son who is an addict. It has been this way for over three years now. He has had his brushes with the law, been in and out of rehab but unfortunately continues down the road of destruction. He has lost everything from a good job, his vehicle and his good credit. I am now just looking for advice or perhaps words of 'wisdom' on how to kick out my son. He only recently moved back home week ago and I had placed some very stringent and strict rules for him. He did great for only four days and then 'disappeared for 3 1/2 days'. I thought the worst...just waiting for law enforcement to call or show up at my door. I know that he needs to go and suffer the consequences of his drug addiction and am just wondering how some of you got to the point of kicking out your adult child (he graduated from high school over three years ago). I know that by allowing him to live here is not helping him, and know that he needs to go. I cannot do it any more and I actually am afraid at times of him and some of the 'friends' who stop by for him. I however will have no problem calling 911 if it comes to that point and I have told him this. I am just wondering how some of you did it. I know I have to do it quickly, get my house key from him, do it when he is not 'high' (only a few brief windows for this). Did you just tell him to pack up a bag, give him a number to call when he is ready for help, and give him the address of the local homeless shelter? Unfortunately I live in a state where the weather is still dipping below freezing for at least another month and this is the only reason I allowed him back this past week but warned him that if he violated the rules he himself agreed to, he would have to go. I know I am rambling on, but hope for some advice and that someone can decipher my rambling post. Thank you for being able to vent and to reach out to others who 'have been there' and continue to be there.
  2. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Hi Little, I have to go exercise in a few minutes but wanted to write you briefly. I will write more later.

    Welcome and I am glad you are here, but sorry for the reason. I can so relate. I'm sure you are reading a lot on this site. Keep on reading as much as you have time for and then some. It will help you form your mind around what you are starting to get ready to do.

    Specifically, to answer your question, my son lived here several times and I kicked him out several times. Usually I would have a written contract---one page, very simple. The last time he lived here, we sat down in the living room in the afternoon, went over the contract, which had about six rules on it. I said, this is it. You will do this or you will leave. He tore it up in front of me, packed his bags and left. That was the last time he lived here.

    My son has never been violent with me, and only you can decide about that factor. If that is an issue, you will need to take different steps, ie have a friend there, change the locks, get a security system, perhaps get a restraining order at some point.

    It sounds like you have already said what the rules are and he didn't go by them. If that is the case, I would say just that, and you need to pack your bags and leave within the next two hours. Get his key. Tell him where the homeless shelter is---take him there if that is a good idea for you. Tell him to call you once a week at an appointed time and you wish him all of the best and you love him.

    The weather is the weather. My son lived on the street this winter from Dec. 20 til January 9. He survived just fine. That used to give me pause, but no more. He has to figure it out. He can figure out how to get drugs and steal and all of the other things---he will have to figure this out too.

    If it makes YOU feel better, buy him a sleeping bag and hand it to him when you drop him off at the shelter. I have learned that I have to do what I can live with---that is not about him but about me.

    Start making things more about you. You are just as important as he is.

    I am sorry that you are in this situation with your precious son, who I am sure you love with all of your heart. You are at a good starting place, though, I can hear it. You are about to start YOUR OWN LIFE. That is a good thing.

    Start reading, studying and working on YOU. Read this site. Go to an Al-Anon meeting. Write a gratitude list---take five minutes and do it every day. It will transform your mind.

    Blessings and hugs and prayers for you this morning. Keep coming back. We care here. We get it. And always, take what you like here, and leave the rest. Only you know your own situation.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi, there. So sorry for your hurting mommy heart and that you had to come here. I have to go to work soon, but thought I'd pipe in. COM gave you good advice. I think Nar-Anon and Al-Anon meetings are EXTREMELY helpful...I would try them for a few months and see if they are good for you. They help us through the hard parts, like telling our adult children that they have to leave. I agree that if your son is aggressive toward you to have a strong man with you when you tell him what you plan to do. If he is an immediate danger to you and your other loved ones at home, I would try to make him leave ASAP. If not, you can give him a month or so to find a place to live, to agree to go to a rehab, etc. Most of them choose homelessness over following basic home rules and rehab, and they tend to really learn how to survive out there.

    If you do tell him to leave, hand him a list of homeless shelters, where to go for food stamps and maybe disability, and all of the places that are open all night, such as some laundromats, some Walmarts, 24 hr. Walgreens, anything. Usually our kids couch surf and get very good at it.

    Until he leaves and, if he leaves but comes back for short intervals, I would forbid him to have any "friends" in the house. I remember the thugs my daughter used to bring home. Finally we banned them. A lot of them ended up in jail, some for major issues. Don't let any of your son's pals in your house and if your son steals from you, hits you or is in any way dangerous, sadly it is wise not to let him in either. Do you have others at home with you?

    The best thing you can do is to start working on yourself and having your own good life in spite of having a dysfunctional child. We are all trying to do that here. You are not your son and he is not you.

    I have to go. You try to find some peace and serenity out of this day:
    "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
    The courage to change the things I an,
    And the wisdom to know the difference."
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  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I so sympathize with you and understand. My son was only 18 when he was flagrantly disobeying all of our very simple rules (nothing you would not expect from anyone you live with). We told him he had two weeks to start obeying our rules or he would have to leave. He then threatened me.... at which point I left the room, cried my eyes out and went and talked to the police. They agreed to just come at noon and tell him he had to leave. I knew if I called 911 he would disappear, and then come back later, and I wanted him here when they came. So they came, told him he had to leave, waited while he picked up some stuff and they dropped him off in the center of town. They put him in his place when he started to give me lip. It was absolutely awful but needed to be done. I think one thing that helped me do it was we had a 15 year old daughter and I couldnt let it go on for her sake. That was 4.5 years ago. Since then he came back once for a few weeks until we told him he had to leave again.... he has been in many treatments places and has been homeless for 4 months in the middle of winter. He was across the country in Denver at that time and I did get him a sleeping bag and boots... and he survived. Ihave no idea how and there is lots he has not told me.

    Through all of this we have maintained contact..... although at times not much contact.

    And now he has been in a long term treatment place ordered by the court for 5 months. He is doing much better and I am now sleeping better at night. Thankfully this time the treatment is local and so we do see him once a week which I think helps all of us.

    It is very hard. I highly recommend a good parents support group of some kind. We found a good parents alanon group that has been hugely helpful to me. It was important for me to focus on taking care of myself and the rest of my family... and to get to the point where I was not going to let what was going on with him ruin my life.


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  5. Addictsmom

    Addictsmom New Member

    Hey LR......I can relate to you as I'm sure most of the mothers on this forum can. I had to call 911 on my difficult child over 2 weeks ago. He became violent, not hitting me, but enough unpredictable behavior that I felt frightened. Even though I have been on this ride for more years than I like to think of, it was devastating to me. He stayed in jail 2 weeks and has been in a hotel for a few days. He let me know that he had gone back to AA and had picked up another white chip....but that is his responsibility, not mine. I decided to go to a therapist and take care of me. This last episode was it for me. I finally am done. You will have to reach that decision.....when you have had enough and realize you have a right to a happy, peaceful life. I would suggest Alanon where you will find support and meet people who understand what you are going through because they have been through the same thing. Hugs to you.
  6. littlereed

    littlereed New Member

    Thank you all so much for replying. I truly feel blessed and a bit at ease that I have this outlet and knowing there who understand. I would never wish this life on is truly heartbreaking. I will check in tomorrow and let you know how this heart just aches but you are all so right, I have to think of me as well. It is slowly killing me and things need to change. Thank you all

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  7. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

  8. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    LR, so sorry you are going through this. I have had difficult child move home several times, always with clear rules agreed upon beforehand. The last time, after the rules were broken several times and we got arguments about him not understanding the parameters, we wrote everything down and had him sign it. He was "busted" for the last time on a Wednesday night and we told him to be out Friday morning, so he could make some arrangements. But we weren't really anticipating any violence or theft, etc. I don't know what your situation is. The night before he left, I left a piece of paper with numbers/addresses for homeless shelters, soup kitchen, rehab, etc. (That was a very surreal moment for me, gathering all those numbers.) I didn't get his key or call the police, though I did change the locks after he left.

    Not to be a cynic, but it seems like difficult children have plenty of places to go/couches to crash on when they have been kicked out of their parents' houses. They aren't necessarily places we would LIKE them to be, but that is what they have chosen, and you just hope they will look around and see their future and decide to change it.

    As hard as it was to tell him to leave, in my experience it was the only way to start to get any sanity back. It's bad enough to watch them self-destruct, you don't need to be sitting in the front row or handing them props while they do it.
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  9. KimW

    KimW New Member

    Hi. I am new to this site. I stumbled upon it in desperation and think this might be just what I need. I'm not sure how to start talking with people but this looked like the best option.

    I am the mother of a 21 year old daughter who has had problems since birth (ADHD but neurological, not chemical so not treatable, recent mental illness escalating) and have dealt with extreme impulsivity and no regard to rules or consequences. We have battled her whole life and a month ago I had just had enough. After several occurrences of having to call the police to remove her from my home while she is in the midst of manic episodes, threatening to kill herself to get her way,etc.. and not being able to follow basic rules of adulthood (get a job...any job, be respectful to the people you live with...list goes on) i got to my breaking point and kicked her out. She has no place to go and as far as i know is living on the streets or possibly shelters. I have not heard from her in 2 weeks but see some facebook activity now and then. I am just to a point now that I am perpetually SAD. I try to keep busy because if I think too long I start crying. I am a very devout Christian and have faith that God is going to work this out in His time but it still hurts so stinking bad. I don't really know anyone who has the same problem so am hoping to connect with a few folks out there and develop a support system during this season.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there.

    It may help if you make your own thread. You may get more of a response as others think they have already answered this poster's questions.

    Is your daughter refusing to get treatment? Does she take substances?

    Have you tried to get her on disability so she'll at least have a check if she's out there (although she will have to find somewhere to get the check...P.O. Box or into a bank account).

    Do you think she may have a personality disorder such as borderline personality disorder? That often goes along with a mood disorder and is very hard to live with.

    Your daughter is the one who has to take control of her mental illness. I'm sure you've tried to help her. There are services out there to help her too if she is disabled or mentally ill, but she has to get them. If she is a danger to you or creates mass chaos and refuses treatment, it is hard to have her still at home. We don't blame you for your decision.

    Do you have anyone else in the house with you who you can lean on during this difficult time? A SO? Another adult child? Do you have close family or friends? I suggest contacted The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill to get real life support if you are suffering a lot. They are an excellent organization!
  11. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Hi Kim, I'm sorry you have to be here. Your situation sounds heartbreaking, of course you are sad. I am pretty new here myself and have found such wonderful support here. Do you think substance use is at the root of your daughter's problems? I am wondering if your post might be better seen on another board (maybe parents emeritus since she is 21?) but I am not sure how to move it. Moderators? Also, I read a book called "Setting Boundaries with Adult Children" by Allison Bottke that you might like?
  12. KimW

    KimW New Member

    Thank you for the feedback MidwestMom and Albatross. I am not sure how to create a new thread but will take some time later to look into it.

    So far, she does not have a substance abuse problem. She has been prescribed Prozac and Abilify but was not taking regularly at home and it wasn't helping much. We tried to apply for disability but were denied and now I can't get her to go and reapply since the situation has escalated. Everything I try to do to help has been met with resistance and I can't seem to talk to her logically any more. I have given her the numbers etc to MHMR and am hoping that she will find someone now that will be able to direct her where she needs to go.

    It just helps to know I am not alone, that there are mothers who love their children with all their heart but have run out of options. Thank you all.
  13. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Kim, at the top go to "Parents Support Forums," then "Parents Emeritus," then "Post New Thread."

    That is very frustrating, that she will not take her medication. Sometimes to someone with bipolar disorder the "high" of a manic episode is so intoxicating that the "low" is worth tolerating, rather than taking medication that smooths things out. My own difficult child will put many other things in his body to "adjust" his mood but does not trust anything that is prescribed for him.

    I think NAMI is a great place to start too, to get some support for YOU.