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Introducing myself and my family
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 616678" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Ok, ok, ok.</p><p></p><p>Questions: Has your first son been exposed to extreme chaos and maybe abuse and caregiver swapping in his first three years? That can reap havoc with a developing brain.</p><p></p><p>Has your son ever received a complete evaluation, say, by a neuropsychologist. I'm talking about very in-depth and 6-10 hours. I'm not talking about therapists...they are not trained to extensively test and diagnose.Legally, they are not allowed to, although sometimes they try. They do not have that sort of training. Neither does a counselor or even some regular psychologists. Hasn't your own therapist told you this is a good idea?</p><p></p><p>Do you feel your son has a disorder or do you think he is just a bad kid? Seems like, and I could be wrong, that you are blaming your kid for his behavior entirely. I'm not sure myself, and this is just my opinion, that his perception of life and behavior is NOT NOT NOT his fault. He could have some inherited mental illness or a form of autism, which causes strange "differently wired" behavior. Has he ever gotten interventions to help him function/cope better?</p><p></p><p>Your other son was born into stability with two loving parents. He also is dealing with 50% of his genes different from your first son. His behavior has little to do with your first son's other than to show t hat children who are born into stability often have less problems than those who aren't. Also, your second son does not have to see another parent, which can be very confusing to a child.</p><p></p><p>Your son is very young to be getting drunk. Has he gotten any help for this? This can lead to worse drug abuse. My daughter smoked pot at age twelve and ended up on psychodelics, cocaine and meth. She quit...but it was not easy. You need to utilize outside services. Your son's behavior, on every level, is not something you can handle on your own. Nor can simple once a week therapy change it.</p><p></p><p>Your husband's dislike certainly has always shown to your son. That is not a good situation. After all, he chose to marry you and the child came with the marriage. He is the adult. He's the one who has to be better. Or he should...taking care of your son's needs should in my opinion come before taking care of your husband being annoyed.</p><p></p><p>The only solutions I can see revolve around getting your son the best help. Fortunately, your husband is a great provider and able to pay for such things. First of all, family therapy would probably help all of you, including your husband who you say is not even a good father to his own children. He certainly has not been an adequate stepfather to your first son, whom he choose to live with when he married you.</p><p></p><p>Secondly, I recommend a neuropsychologist evaluation for your oldest son. He has suffered long enough with issues he did not necessarily cause and in my opinion can not completely control. If he gets no help, expect him to become involved in criminal activity and while the onus is on him when he is 18, for now it is not understandable that you would not get him high level help since you can afford it. If he has not harmed or sexually abused your younger children, he should be getting love and help in his own home for now. If he has, he still needs help, although maybe outside of your home. Hav eyou looked into psychiatric boarding schools? They are pricey, but if you can afford it, I hear they often help.</p><p></p><p>You may want to tell us more about your son's early years so we can have a kind of overview of what may be going on. Of course we are not professionals, but most of us have been around the block and can take educated guesses which may or may not be right. Either way, he needs professional evaluating and professional assistance and, by the way, he should have an IEP at school if he is struggling there.</p><p></p><p>I hope you can find some good help this child. He may have serious issues, but he needs you as much or even more than your second son and he does not need his stepfather's disdain. by the way, my own son, who is 36, just went through a custody battle. If your husband thinks that he will automatically get full custody of your sons and be able to keep them away from you then he has never met our court system. He's in for a big surprise. No court will remove a mother from her kids and most likely you'd split the time. Your old addiction is NOT a factor in determining who gets custody. It is all about NOW and the BEST interests of the child, which strongly supports both parents being involved in the child's life and in the legal decisions. Don't let this husband scare you. Not saying you should leave him, but if he leaves the house, t hat's a big mistake already on his part. If he makes a lot more than you, he may have to pay for your lawyer and good money to you for child custody. He sounds like he may be a bully...I am not a fan of them.</p><p></p><p>If you want to add more about his early years, please do so!!! Hugs for your hurting mommy heart <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> Welcome to the board.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 616678, member: 1550"] Ok, ok, ok. Questions: Has your first son been exposed to extreme chaos and maybe abuse and caregiver swapping in his first three years? That can reap havoc with a developing brain. Has your son ever received a complete evaluation, say, by a neuropsychologist. I'm talking about very in-depth and 6-10 hours. I'm not talking about therapists...they are not trained to extensively test and diagnose.Legally, they are not allowed to, although sometimes they try. They do not have that sort of training. Neither does a counselor or even some regular psychologists. Hasn't your own therapist told you this is a good idea? Do you feel your son has a disorder or do you think he is just a bad kid? Seems like, and I could be wrong, that you are blaming your kid for his behavior entirely. I'm not sure myself, and this is just my opinion, that his perception of life and behavior is NOT NOT NOT his fault. He could have some inherited mental illness or a form of autism, which causes strange "differently wired" behavior. Has he ever gotten interventions to help him function/cope better? Your other son was born into stability with two loving parents. He also is dealing with 50% of his genes different from your first son. His behavior has little to do with your first son's other than to show t hat children who are born into stability often have less problems than those who aren't. Also, your second son does not have to see another parent, which can be very confusing to a child. Your son is very young to be getting drunk. Has he gotten any help for this? This can lead to worse drug abuse. My daughter smoked pot at age twelve and ended up on psychodelics, cocaine and meth. She quit...but it was not easy. You need to utilize outside services. Your son's behavior, on every level, is not something you can handle on your own. Nor can simple once a week therapy change it. Your husband's dislike certainly has always shown to your son. That is not a good situation. After all, he chose to marry you and the child came with the marriage. He is the adult. He's the one who has to be better. Or he should...taking care of your son's needs should in my opinion come before taking care of your husband being annoyed. The only solutions I can see revolve around getting your son the best help. Fortunately, your husband is a great provider and able to pay for such things. First of all, family therapy would probably help all of you, including your husband who you say is not even a good father to his own children. He certainly has not been an adequate stepfather to your first son, whom he choose to live with when he married you. Secondly, I recommend a neuropsychologist evaluation for your oldest son. He has suffered long enough with issues he did not necessarily cause and in my opinion can not completely control. If he gets no help, expect him to become involved in criminal activity and while the onus is on him when he is 18, for now it is not understandable that you would not get him high level help since you can afford it. If he has not harmed or sexually abused your younger children, he should be getting love and help in his own home for now. If he has, he still needs help, although maybe outside of your home. Hav eyou looked into psychiatric boarding schools? They are pricey, but if you can afford it, I hear they often help. You may want to tell us more about your son's early years so we can have a kind of overview of what may be going on. Of course we are not professionals, but most of us have been around the block and can take educated guesses which may or may not be right. Either way, he needs professional evaluating and professional assistance and, by the way, he should have an IEP at school if he is struggling there. I hope you can find some good help this child. He may have serious issues, but he needs you as much or even more than your second son and he does not need his stepfather's disdain. by the way, my own son, who is 36, just went through a custody battle. If your husband thinks that he will automatically get full custody of your sons and be able to keep them away from you then he has never met our court system. He's in for a big surprise. No court will remove a mother from her kids and most likely you'd split the time. Your old addiction is NOT a factor in determining who gets custody. It is all about NOW and the BEST interests of the child, which strongly supports both parents being involved in the child's life and in the legal decisions. Don't let this husband scare you. Not saying you should leave him, but if he leaves the house, t hat's a big mistake already on his part. If he makes a lot more than you, he may have to pay for your lawyer and good money to you for child custody. He sounds like he may be a bully...I am not a fan of them. If you want to add more about his early years, please do so!!! Hugs for your hurting mommy heart :) Welcome to the board. [/QUOTE]
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