Introduction: I'm not alone

[mjhawks]

I think you should start to document these types of things she says. Obviously she is pulling one over the therapists - and you need to show the documentation that you keep with the therapist.
my battle cry would be: OUT you go, away from where you can harm your sister or me!

You and I think a lot a like. I have actually changed her therapists, 4 times. Demanded psychiatric evaluations with psychologists. And I have demanded that she be removed from my home. All of this has lead to where we are today. The in-home therapist she has now is awesome. Ex military and you can't pull the wool over her eyes. She actually has a doctorate in her field. The way it was explained to me is: There is a ladder system that these kids have to climb before they will be placed in residential. DQ is on the last rung before she is out with in-home therapy. If this doesn't change her behavior, which it isn't, the therapist will recommend that she be removed.

I started keeping a log of violent and threatening behavior in Jan. I learned that in my divorce. You can't just say "She was mean, or hurt me, or broke things." It's crazy, but they want dates and details.

And when she really gets going, I voice record her with my cell phone. I have let the therapist listen to it. My mom actually used some of that audio to prove our case to the rest of the family at Christmas, when they all thought we were just being mean to her, by being so restrictive.

 

[Bunny]

I know that some people don't agree with me when I have said this in the past, but I truly believe that my Difficult Child could control his behavior at home if he wanted to. They do behave differently at home because we're parents and they know that parents are supposed to love their kids no matter what. Teachers don't have to do that. The other kids at school don't have to do that. Parents are a completely different animal, but I think that you telling your daughter that if she continues to behave the way she does she will not have you was important. You can only take being used as a punching bag for so long.

 

[DawnMM]

I was where you are now just two months ago. I think I was finally able to get in home services because when I called for help I told them I had already chosen the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for my son and I was literally crying out for help. Also, when CPS was called on us we happened to get a great worker and she pushed things along for us. We only had the in home services for two months and then an opening came up at the place I had chosen for my son. We were also told we had to do the full eight months before anyone would agree to send him away. Things were so bad here that we went ahead and sent him before we had funding. I was willing to sell my home to pay for his Residential Treatment Center (RTC). The place I choose was willing to take him for a lot less money than most places.

I guess my point is, start finding a place for her now. Some of them have waiting lists and it is hard to find a good match for your child. My son had no criminal charges and no drug use so that eliminated a lot of places. I had to find a place that specialized in kids with severe emotional problems. If you find the perfect place and an opening comes up for her the therapists may be willing to approve it a bit early. In my case the in home workers would not authorize the Residential Treatment Center (RTC), but since I was pretty sure the adoption subsidy would pay for the school (which they later did) sent him anyway. Knowing there was a place willing to take my son made dealing with him easier.

What you are dealing with right now is so hard. You seem to be hanging in there as hard as it is. I am glad you told your daughter she isn't going to still have you if her behaviors don't change. I was pretty mean about telling my son I wanted him gone and then I had to modify that when he actually left so he would know he would have a home to come back to when/if he improves. I hope this gets better for you soon.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I know that some people don't agree with me when I have said this in the past, but I truly believe that my Difficult Child could control his behavior at home if he wanted to.

That is the crux of the problem though, they don't want to! I wondered about this for a long time with our son until I was taking him to pick up some stuff. He was ranting on about the fact that we refused to give his friend a ride and that no one else would call him back. We wouldn't do it partly because we knew he just wanted the friend to move in with him. Anyway, he was ranting away in the car when his phone rang. He answered the phone and in the most pleasant tone of voice "Hey Dude! Whats up?".

The tirades they throw around us are about control and manipulation. Its all about getting their way.

 

[greenrene]

I just wanted to chime in and say that although our circumstances are obviously different, I can really relate to a lot that you are going through.

My stepdaughter (17) just finished 7 weeks at a wilderness program and is going to start at a residential treatment center next week. It's been years and years and YEARS of hell with her. I also totally get the extended family thinking that we're just being mean - I was the scapegoat for her behavior for YEARS. I was blamed, even by my husband, and it was truly horrible.

She's home for a week while we get everything squared away for the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) - my hope is that she'll be so happy to be using a real toilet and sleeping in a real bed that she'll honeymoon through the week and then be gone for a LONG time.

Welcome to the boards. I truly don't know where I'd be without the support here.

 

[FlowerGarden]

Right before my son went to residential, I wound up getting a small recording device that would fit in my pocket. When my son got defiant, I'd just casually put my hands in my pocket and turn it on. I did it because I was afraid of him talking his way out of being sent to residential. I didn't have to use it because he became so defiant that we had to call the police one more time before he was admitted.

 

[Confused]

Im all for those devices FlowerGarden! I believe it helps our kids by letting the doctors see or hear it and they can help diagnose them better!

Hope your doing ok mjhawks!

 

[Lioness]

I was trying to remember which one was "formally sociopath". Thats the one my ex-arse was diagnosed with right before I left him. (He refused to medicate.)

I believe that DQ will be diagnosed a sociopath. Not psychopath. Although she evaluates people based on what they can do for her. I think that's more narcissistic. A sense of entitlement that the world revolves around her.

Oh MJ, I do feel for you. My eldest daughter was impossible from aged 12 onwards when her father left after having an affair. She was his princess and he neglected her in every way once he left. She reacted badly and behaved much like your daughter. She was never cruel to animals, but loved animals more than humans. She hated me. Swore at me, hit me, smashed up my bedroom. She once even threw me through a glass table. She always lied, and boasted that she could cry on cue, which she can. She would steal money, clothes, watch and even my car keys once. I am ashamed to say that she took up so much of my time, that my other two children who were very well behaved were always last in line as she took up so much of my time. I tried to get her a psychologist, but she would refuse to go. I didn't have enough money to get someone to come to us. She blamed me for her father leaving, and saw everything as black or white with no gray area. I was bad her father was good. As the years have gone on, we got on a bit better very superficially. Once she had a baby she was much kinder towards me and my heart soared as I thought maybe now she understood what it was like to be a mother. Recently she has regressed back to lying, being nasty to me, and using the baby in her game playing. She blows hot and cold, uses me when she needs a baby sitter. I realise now that she has border line personality disorder, and wish I knew this at a younger age and insisted on getting her help. She is now an adult, and it is out of my hands. I still suffer today at her hands, and slowly I am trying to pull back and save something for myself. At present I am going into a downward spiral as she carries on with her recent drama queen tactics. She plays a great victim. Please try very hard to get your daughter help NOW. Your younger daughter needs you, somehow you must make time to take her out of the situation. i.e. Take her out on her own, even if its for an ice cream cone. Spend time with her, having fun. She may be a good girl and not complain, but she needs you too. Thank the Lord for the gift of your younger daughter. I did this at times with my other two, tried really hard to do things on my own with them as the eldest daughter was so draining on the family. Sundays, were the worst days of the week as I found that was the day she was particularly bored and would create trouble for the sake of it. I wish you love and luck, stay strong.

 

[Lioness]

That is the crux of the problem though, they don't want to! I wondered about this for a long time with our son until I was taking him to pick up some stuff. He was ranting on about the fact that we refused to give his friend a ride and that no one else would call him back. We wouldn't do it partly because we knew he just wanted the friend to move in with him. Anyway, he was ranting away in the car when his phone rang. He answered the phone and in the most pleasant tone of voice "Hey Dude! Whats up?".
Just read your reply and my BDP daughter drama queen does exactly the same thing. She can be hateful and mean to me one minute and her phone will ring and she will speak in a pleasant sweet little voice to whoever is on the line! She has done this for years, she is a great manipulator and actress. She is 28 years old now and still does this to today.
The tirades they throw around us are about control and manipulation. Its all about getting their way.

 

[HMBgal]

DMDD is Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder, a new diagnosis added to the latest DSM manual as of 2013. It got added to my grandson's alphabet soup diagnoses of ADHD and Anxiety Disorder. It is a controversial diagnosis that is trying to find a diagnostic home for kids that might previously diagnosed with child bi-polar, but that don't seem to grow up into bi-polar people. For my grandson, it was attempting to explain that near constant irritability and feeling like he was going to blow up any minute over any little thing. When this one got added, it changed the medications, too. Although he doesn't have the cruelty thing that your daughter seems to be displaying. Does she hurt animals? Has she physically hurt her younger sister?

 

[BusynMember]

I was told that this is also going to be the new label for adult borderlinevpetsonalitybdisorder because borderline doesnt fit the symptoms. Emotional dysregulation does. It is not the same as bipolar.

by the way, this is a very old thread. Youd get more answers posting a new thread.

 

[HMBgal]

Thank you for your insight! I am new to this forum and to forums in general.
HMBgal- do you feel that the diagnosis was helpful to your grandson?

Too soon to tell conclusively. It seems to cover the additional "something else" that we weren't quite able to grasp. ADHD: yes, but something else. Anxiety: very much so, but that didn't quite catch it, either. I'm unsure of the constant irritability in this diagnosis because I was putting that down to anxiety and always kind of being half (or fully) in trouble with school, his father's house, his mother's house, my house. So, I don't know. They added Abilify, 2.5 mg, to the Intuniv (stimulants seemed to be feeding into his anxiety, so we took that out). The Abilify has kicked his butt as far as fatigue goes, but I have to say, things that would have been a crisis of temper, property damage, social disaster, and major school problems has been better. There are more regulated days than dysregulated ones. I feel like this boy is a moving target and we just take it day by day. He does seem to have cycles of relative ease with himself and his world with cycles of lots of things being hard for him (and hence, all of us). We don't see the extremes highs and lows of classic bi-polar and there isn't any bi-polar that we know of anywhere in his family tree, but he is exactly like his father in looks and temperament and is so much like him that it's startling. And his father has trouble in his life, too, and always has. I feel that there is genetics at play here.