) is gettGFG wants to move out

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearts and roses, Aug 28, 2007.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    difficult child's friend (a guy her age) is getting an apt in about a month and told difficult child she could live with him for about $100/month. WTH?

    difficult child is only 17, I just plunked out $1000 for her to take a couple of classes at community college and she doesn't have a job.

    Last week, she raised it in a counseling session and we didn't have time to discuss, which was fine with me because I don't want to "discuss". It's ludicrous at this time. I do not think she will run away before she turns 18 in October, but what else can I do at that point other than point out to her the reasons why it's a bad decision?

    Incidentally, her car is in MY name, registered and insured by H and me. If she leaves, shouldn't I transfer the car to her name and tell her to get herself some insurance? I feel like I'm being harder on her, but I'm not really. We pay for easy child's insurance bill, but her car and registration are in her name and she's attending school full time and doing very well. on the other hand, we had to convince difficult child to take 2 measly classes at comm coll and she barely graduated. Also, easy child worked full time summers before starting college and saved some of her own money to live off of during the school year. difficult child hasn't worked one day all summer. She has no money - she totally flew through the $1000 she had in savings this summer buying beer and cigarettes and driving all over creation.

    So here are the reasons its a bad idea:

    1 - She will lose her health ins & auto ins.
    2 - She has no job.
    3 - She is supposed to start two classes next week.
    4 - She is not 18 until October

    She is not in a position to live independently just yet. Perhaps by January, but not now. How will she pay for her insurance, gas, repairs, food, etc.? I moved into my own apt at 18 when my parents retured 3000 miles away, but by that time I was very independent already. I worked full time, paid for my own auto ins and gas, food, clothes, etc. BUT I didn't have an RX bill every month either. Hmmm.

    So, all you very experienced parents of teens who only live at your homes intermittently - am I being fair? Should I fight her tooth and nail over this or when she's 18, should I help her pack?
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Don't fight tooth and nail to get her to stay.
    Don't pack for her, either.

    Your only real angle is that you paid for her classes, and I would tell her that if she drops out of those classes that you just shelled out a grand for, she will owe you for them. As far as your reasons why she should not move out...you can do nothing to stop her. She will have to learn on her own.

    Her car...did SHE pay for it? If so, then definitely get it out of your name. And take if off your insurance.

    If she did NOT pay for it, take the car away from her. Tell her that the car is for her to go to and from school and work while she is living responsibly under your roof, no arguments.

    This is detaching, and it bites the big one. You have to let her go. You can't stop her. And the harder you fight, the farther she will run.

  3. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Very well put. I agree.
  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    BBK - thank you. It is her car, she bought it, we just pay for the insurance. Up until now she pays for all her gas as well. It's a really old beater - it runs well enough, has decent tires. H fixed the muffler issue, poured another $500 into it and it will need periodic oil changes, but that's it. Initially, the goal was go to school, work part time and after the holidays I would help her get into something newer along with the money she saves up. Now it looks like that plan is out the window.

    I've been practicing my detaching and most of the time, I do okay. It is hard and it does bite, but it's the reality of the situation. I mostly am concerned about the health coverage issue. She really needs her medications and without coverage, I know she can't afford them...who am I kidding? That's probably the first thing she will stop doing is taking her medications. Although she can logically see the need for them, I know in her little dinosaur brain she's thinking it's something we've forced her to do. Whatever.

    I plan on attending some Alanon meetings when we return from our vaca because I know I will need help in this area.

    Thanks again.
  5. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think you are still responsible for her until she is 18. You can be held accountable still. I would want her close by just for that risk alone.
  6. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    busywend - yes, you're correct.

    I plan on telling her that she can't move out until she is over 18 and finished with at least this first semester of college. If at that point, she feels she can handle independent living, then go for it, but I will not be footing any bills for her. At least when she turns 18, I can transfer ownership of her car to her and register it in her name, help her get her own policy.

    So, by January, we may be empty nesters. Hmmm. Not sure how I feel about that yet.
  7. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Honetly, I wouldn't stop her. At least she's let you know this is going to happen. by the way -- Don't be surprised if the young man has no idea she is moving in with him. It might be he mentioned he is getting the apartment and she decided she is moving in with him. That's what happened with my daughter. Her roommates were very surprised when they had a new roomie. Each time. And each time it lasted no more than 2 months.

    How good of a roommate she is will also be a huge factor. Where will the $100 come from if she has no job? How will she pay for her share of food? Will she leave messes everywhere or is she good about cleaning up after herself? If she's the only girl living there, the odds are she will be expected to be the one to clean after everyone.

    When mine left home, everyone had lost their jobs in her first two forays into the real world. Everyone was evicted from the first apartment. The second apartment was saved because one boy's grandmother paid for things until at least one of them got a job and supported the other three. Last I heard, he still has the apartment but all new roomies.

    Now, I was nasty when my daughter decided to move out. She could take her personal property. However, if she hadn't paid for it or it wasn't a gift for birthday or the holidays from someone other than me, it stayed at home. If I paid for it, no matter what the reason, it stayed as collateral for money owed me. You can also use the collateral issue as a way to stop her from taking any big ticket items you're afraid will get lost, stolen or damaged. She pays for the $1000, she gets her stuff.

    I agree she should be responsible for repaying you for the college fees unless she takes the classes and gives you copies of her transcripts as proof.

    As to her car, personally escort her to DMV and make that her signature is on the title so that it is hers. I wouldn't tell her this but I would keep her on my insurance. I would still insist she get her own insurance. Again, the odds are that she will simply drive without insurance because she won't be able to afford it. I say keep her on yours for three reasons -- she'll be under 21 (and amazingly parents are frequently held responsibile even with kids living on their own), the odds are she will still show your home as her residence on everything but job applications and she'll probably come home pretty quickly.

    You're not going to be able to stop her, not even until October. You don't have to condone it. You don't have to approve it. You're more or less stuck accepting it.

  8. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    meowbunny, I like the idea about the ins - it sure will save a lot of paperwork off and on again over the course of time. I will do that.

    I was thinking about what items I would let her take with her. I really do not think I will let her take her bed or dresser. We only bought them about a year ago and they were not overly expensive but they did cost us some money and they are nice. I consider both of them mine, as it's my house and I'd like all the rooms to be furnished. I would let her take the futon in her sister's room since no one uses it or sleeps in it anyway. I've wanted to get a new bed for that room anyhow. She could find a dresser at a yard sale, in my opinion; why should I give her mine, right?

    I think the friend actually offered her to stay with him (because difficult child loves to tell anyone who will listen how hard it is for her at home and how much her parents are beasts). Again, I stopped caring what she had people believing about us a long time ago, so that means nothing to me. Ironically, any friend who actually gets to know us, really like us a lot and I can see them wondering why difficult child gives us such a bad rap - lol!

    More than having to clean up after others, which is a JOKE since she is a #1 slob, is I worry about her feeling like she owes this young man something...if you know what I mean...ew. Though I really don't see anything coming of this any time soon. She's a lot of hot air most of the time - trying to get a rise out of me I'm sure. But I am not biting (at least to her!).

    Thanks for your comments. This is what I need to hear.
  9. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I like telling her until she is 18 she stays.
  10. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I pretty much think you can.
  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I predict she will not last long regardless. This difficult child loves her solitude, sleeping and quiet time. After a lot of stimulation or activity and not enough restfulness, she tends to meltdown and overload. She loves going in her room, having her own space, and drawing or listening to music softly and napping. She will lay in bed until I leave for work and then quietly get up, go grab a coffee and a dog and then chill while she wakes up. Haha - I doubt very much an apt with a young man will be as tranquil. Of course, I hope I am totally and completely wrong and it all works out great!
  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I would let her pack her own bags, and offer her no support whatsoever. Falling down is the best way to learn to stand on your own. Otherwise, you are in for a huge fight. And not fighting her over it is the best way to get her to come to you for help (instead of some busybody idiot) when she figures out it's not what she thought it would be.

    If she's not in school and she's not working, it's only a matter of time before she figures a way out of your house, anyway. I'd cancel the classes and get a refund.

  13. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I think you should go to Alanon~ :smile: